Bro Gary Hawkins 12: IT BIBLE

[Idlewild]

I’m a newcomer to the delights of Gary. Is he sufficiently off grid not to be able to claim the financial relief being made available or do we think he’ll apply for it and just keep quiet about it? Or maybe suggest others donate theirs to a bible preachin’ pastor?

[thoughtful]

Another video. The King James Bahble is full of good stuff.

He was reading 2 Kings, chapter 4, about the "Shootamite" woman (that would be Shunamite). He stumbles over what verse he wants out of that long story, finally finds it, and it is "It is well."

So he does five minutes of rattling around about "it is well." Now he's saying it is well even if you don't get to go to church (as long as you are saved, of course). I guess he's resigned to the fact that they are going to do some sort of online service tomorrow, but that he is still going to get housed and fed and possibly some money.

So, it is well.

He seems to have settled on referring to our current situation as "Creenatahm" (Corona time). I can just imagine him, and the rest of the assholes like him, telling stories about "Creenatahm" for another century.

Then he switches to "you can trust God and Jesus" (but not the government). God is not worried about this creenavahris, He's worried about whether we are saved and are saving others.

He actually says, "Don't stay home," (then does his stupid-person-voice imitation of someone saying that the gov'ment says to stay home) "Go out down the streets, see if you can wave somebody down and say 'Hey! I'd like to tell you about Jesus.'" Followed by his usual litany of things we should tell people about Jesus, heaven and hell (as they run screaming, I imagine!). 

He wants to "know that you know that you know you're saved."

He stumbles into talking about women with the "wrong attitude", and says: "This here may help you in that you're havin' to stay home and COOK! Maybe some women'll learn how to cook, and quit depending on MACDonils and Hardees  and all these restaurants."

Hey, Gary - ? Go learn to cook, yourself - preferably some green vegetables. I already know how.

He brags that he's not going to starve, because he's got a good cook, and friends who  "has got groceries for us." Then he says that, if he didn't have friends to give him food, God would provide. 

He doesn't explain how. I suspect other people, who have worked for their money, would still be involved somehow.

He talks about how Jesus raised Lazarus, saying "Lazarus, come forth. Get the smell off ya."

God may have sent the vahris to get people's attention. God could cut off the water, just to get our attention.

He starts talking about how God wants us to live a slower-paced life, gets distracted talking about how quick his drive was getting to Texas, then gets back to it.

Maybe missing some church services will make you appreciate it more, and pray for your "pasture."

The rest is more of the same, and his old themes, and he gives out his phone number, so you can call him for more. ?

Edited March 28, 2020 by thoughtful
riffle

[scoutsadie]

On 3/27/2020 at 11:04 AM, Conundrum said:

God forbid he stay home like he should because he wouldn't be able to collect the "love offerings."

I thought they were homeless (except for the RV) and they bounced around to places owed by various congregations - ?

Edited March 28, 2020 by scoutsadie

[thoughtful]

I could not resist illustrating Bro Gary's stirring retelling of the story of Lazarus. In his own words:

Spoiler

HAYMAYUN!

 

[Ozlsn]

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He actually says, "Don't stay home," (then does his stupid-person-voice imitation of someone saying that the gov'ment says to stay home) "Go out down the streets, see if you can wave somebody down and say 'Hey! I'd like to tell you about Jesus.'" Followed by his usual litany of things we should tell people about Jesus, heaven and hell (as they run screaming, I imagine!). 

So long, long ago, way back when, this actually happened to me. Someone flagged me down when I was riding my bike home from a long day at work to witness to me.

I was polite, but really not receptive.

If they'd wanted to tell me how to fix the work problem I was having I would have been a lot more open to listening. Or that my back light had gone out (the battery was getting low). But yeah, I really wasn't in the mood for being evangelised to. 

If someone tried it now I would be even less so, even if they were 1.5m away from me.

[thoughtful]

33 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

So long, long ago, way back when, this actually happened to me

It happened to me a lot when I was living in various cities, while I was walking.

As weird as that always was, I would find it even weirder to actually have someone who looked like they needed help or wanted to tell me something practical (like, as you said, a light on my vehicle wasn't working) flag me down while I was riding a bike or driving, and then bait-and-switch and start talking religion.

The only good thing about it would be the ability to zoom away more quickly when I said "bye" (before they could finish a sentence) than I could on foot!

 

[thoughtful]

Well, it seems that Gary was not scheduled to preach tomorrow, at wherever the hell he was staying in Ennis. So he moved on, to Coldspring, about 2.5 hours away.

Jest keep a-draggin' those little Creena vahrises with ya, Gary - I'm sure the people of Texas really need them. Enjoy your fish and sides - who's feeding you now, and do they have enough loaves and fishes for everyone?

Edited March 29, 2020 by thoughtful

[grandmadugger]

So I snooped on Gary’s page. He shared a post asking for prayers for the person’s mom. Checked that person out. Her dad was put into a coma so his body can fight the virus. He’s a moron to dismiss the virus when he’s sharing people’s prayer requests about the virus! 

[thoughtful]

Tune in at 10:00 AM this morning, ante meridiem, before noon, aurora, in the foreday.

That's Texas time, which, fascinatingly, is not the same as North Carolina time. Did y'all know that?

[AmazonGrace]

When he says singing he is using the term loosely.

[wallysmommy]

Spare your ears.  Don't watch the live stream of their church this morning.  

[Xan]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Tune in at 10:00 AM this morning, ante meridiem, before noon, aurora, in the foreday.

That's Texas time, which, fascinatingly, is not the same as North Carolina time. Did y'all know that?

I listened to about as much as I can stand.  He's been doing this for EIGHT YEARS??  He hasn't had a real job for that long and has been sponging off of people the whole time.  I don't know about anyone else but I'd give him money to shut up.  That "shouty" preaching gets on my last nerve.

 

[Idlewild]

I tried to watch some of his latest video but gave up. I missed the beginning- he’s clearly mad about something ( mad angry as opposed to just insane) but I’m not sure what- something to do with videos and ‘pastures’.

He is definitely annoyed about people going to Walmart instead of church. 

[Antipatriarch]

On 3/28/2020 at 2:46 PM, thoughtful said:

I could not resist illustrating Bro Gary's stirring retelling of the story of Lazarus.

With Lazarus still that tightly bound in his graveclothes, I'm picturing how he got to the opening... was it like Tim Conway walking in his "old man" skits on Carol Burnett? dink dink dink dink dink dink dink dink dink dink

[AmazonGrace]

He has some trouble reading his Bible verse there.

[griffin]

He and Becky are in quarantation! But it's only temporal. He is praying dillajelly

[thoughtful]

Gary has been busy! I've been trying to listen to his lives, but they keep stalling and crashing. I guess even the Internet thinks Gary is too stupid to listen to. I'll give it a try again.

On 3/30, he mumbles and stumbles through some of Matthew chap. 6 (God provides - it's the one with the lilies of the field who neither toil nor spin).

At this point, he still doesn't seem to register the idea that not gathering in large groups is a life-saving necessity.

He says people who were arguing against going to church were people who never even went to church, and mocks them for saying that the warnings were just to protect people from getting "the flu."

He boasts that he hasn't missed a service since all of this began, and says people tell him he's lucky. He says it ain't luck, it's the grace of God.

He talks about a pastor he saw yesterday who was all upset, needing to make some decisions just to please the government, to please the city. "Hard times."

 Gary warns us "It's more to this thing than this cronavahris. It's more in the gov'ment sayin' than any body even knows. I've read some things, I've seen some things, it's more."

Gary, is this conspiracy theory shit, or just your inability to use conjunctions and articles?

Gary complains that you can get your dog groomed ("I don' even know if a dawg can git it"), or go through the drive-through. He says he's heard about people licking taco shells at Taco Bell. They've closed the schools down, but not the daycares.

He's just throwing out whatever he can think of to blame anything other than church. He seems to think nobody's getting it at church.

He actually complains that people are going to work, or to the pharmacy to get their medication but won't go to church. Some of them have to go, you asshole.

He's worried that "hard" preachers will lose congregants because people are church-shopping on Facebook. He eventually says something about staying in touch with parishioners, even if you can't have church together. He praises people who are going out to help those who are shut in.

And then he adds that it's a great time to talk to people about Jesus, since more are likely to be receptive due to the cronavahris.

Someone commented:

Edited April 3, 2020 by thoughtful
riffle

[thoughtful]

Another one on 3/30 (Gary, do you ever do anything other than yammer on Facebook?).

Gary's asking for prayer requests. He asks for prayers for Gary Lutrick. He wants to pray for your situation, if it be "physical, spiritual, mental or physical."

Gary, I know someone who never thinks before he speaks, and just lets words fall out of his mouth. Could you pray for him?

He asks them to pray for people who can't visit someone in a nursing home, for people who have never homeschooled before, for pastors who need to make difficult decisions, for law officers, nurses, doctors, truck drivers.

He says he knows 4-5 preachers who have "got it" now.

Pray for the unsaved, he asks, then reads out someone's prayer request, followed by a good loud snotty snort.

"Pray that the Lord's will be done durin' this Creenavahris." Darn, I thought he'd learned how to pronounce it.

He hopes it will lead to great revival. He says that it we come out of this and the preachers don't do more for God, then "I say we're in the last days of the Latter-Day Saints church."

WTF, Gary - when did you become a Mormon?

I swear, he just lets whatever words have wandered into his mind fall right out of his mouth. It's like  jazz scat-singing.

 

Edited April 3, 2020 by thoughtful
riffle

[Pecansforeveryone]

There's definitely a lot of "scat" in the crudest sense of the word coming out of of bro Gary mouths. 

[thoughtful]

3/31 - this is a good day to know Jesus. Do you know Jesus?

Gary's back in Ennis. They had breakfast and fellowship with two other couples.  Great social distancing, Gary and Becky.

He starts reading from Hebrews 10:19-25, which begins:

Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest  . . .

Mr. Stream-of-consciousness, however, reads:

"Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holocaust . . . "

This passage is about not forsaking the commitment to meet together (what a surprise).

He says he's going to tell you how to cope with these hard times, when people are afraid they will be fined or arrested for having church.

"You gotta be saved in order to cope in these last days. See, if your father is the Devil, Then he's not gonna comfort you in any shape or form. That's just the way it is. But if God's your father, God's your Heavenly Father, he's your comforter,  because John said that he would sin the comforter."

That may be my favorite Gary-ism since "Creenavahris" - I think it belongs in the Gary lexicon right behind the classic "It Bible."

Lots of sing-song repetitive preaching shit ensues - draw nigh to God, decrease and let Jesus increase,  these are the last days, all you need is prayer, etc.

He says the government check is not going to keep you copin', you gotta draw nigh to God. Nigh, of course, is pronounced "nahh," and he uses it several thousand times (OK, I'm exaggerating).

I am in shock! Gary pronounces Phillippians correctly - not once, but three times!

He actually said something useful - people need to work together and help one another. Then he does a riff of mispronunciations of pandemic, coronavirus ("or whatever ya wanna call it") and some other words. Gary, you came so close.

He yells about Independent Baptist "pastures" being too independent (did you hear that, John Shrader?).  Someone comments about a "foolish statement" and Gary gets defensive and says he's going to PM that guy later.  Then he goes back to ranting about not being too independent, gets interrupted when he notices that the man says he meant someone that Gary quoted was foolish, not Gary. All is forgiven. Gary doesn't notice the irony of his getting huffy with a fellow believer in the middle of his rant about making peace and working together.

Lots of incoherent ranting about "pastures" not bashing each other and fighting ensues. Seems a bit odd from the guy who has been ranting for weeks about people who don't have the courage to have church, and how they are going to lose their flock.

Gary's gonna have a mansion in Heaven, y'all.

The best thing in this video was the distant train whistle that could be heard now and then. Very poignant, and much more moving than Gary's word salad.

Edited April 3, 2020 by thoughtful
yet another riffle

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, Pecansforeveryone said:

There's definitely a lot of "scat" in the crudest sense of the word coming out of of bro Gary mouths. 

I knew I was providing a straight line for someone -- glad to see it put to good use!

 

After his rant, Gary posted about the aforementioned breakfast:

Get the menu our there?

I figure the unavailable content is a picture of the weens. I wonder if his making the picture private or deleting it was accidental, or done at the request of disgusted brethren everywhere.

In any case, let us be thankful.

[thoughtful]

Another prayer request session, on 3/31. Gary begins with a lovely prelude of burping, tooth sucking, and talking about what time it is in various time zones - his classic riff.

Gary wants us to pray that this will all be worked out in time for the tent revival he's supposed to have next week, and he can't figure out why the government doesn't think church is essential. He does his usual rant about how church is just as important as food.

"I ain't blamin' God, but He allowed it to happen!"

He went through a drive-through yesterday, and gave the woman waiting on him a pamphlet. Hope it was sterilized, Gary.

He is so eloquent in asking for prayers "I seen today another one's wife died of this mess."

Someone asks where he's preaching this Sunday, and he says someone is meeting with a local official to find out if they can do the tent revival, or need to just have a service indoors.

He asks again for prayers for truck drivers who are bringin' us "our toilet papers that are floodin' all the shelves, and our waters."

He asks for prayers for Becky. Why?

Spoiler

He wants us to pray that she will be able to get White Lily self-rising flour, and at Becky's urging, says maybe somebody could send them some from North Carolina. His biscuits won't be light without that flour.

Sorry if I scared anyone about Becky's health. She just needs flour.  ?

He says God could just lift up this cronavahrus like he did the Red Sea, and let us walk through.

They are leaving (after Sunday? It's not clear) to drive to Florida, and will need to put extra miles on the truck, because "I ain't - I AIN'T  - gonna go through Louisiana." He's heard that Louisiana "has got it pretty bad." He says "If you live in Louisiana, stay there!" Belatedly, he says "Get better!"

After some more rambling, he says to pray "if the Lord's gonna tarry his coming through 2020, that people will wake up and vote Republican all the way." He says "if we go the other way, this little bit of comminism you seein' now ain't gonna be nothin'" "You'll be havin' underground church, if the Democrats get in, is all ah'm gonna tell ya." "You won't be havin' church - you'll be in jail, you'll be in prison."

It's a good thing I take the word "laptop" literally. If I actually had a desk, I'd end up with brain damage so bad, I'd talk like Gary.

Pray for Jonathan the Filipino (yes, that's how he describes him!), over in Cold Springs.

Gary thanks God that his kids didn't have to go to public schools, then rattles on for another few minutes. He ends with an actual prayer (hey, what an idea!), full of tooth sucking and inarticulate rambling.

 

[Idlewild]

Thank you for the summaries- he is incredibly difficult to listen to- the belching, slurping and inability to pronounce the most basic words, plus saying random ‘amen’ all the time. Plus it’s that bewildered expression when he makes some pronouncements- usually about people going shopping. 

I shall try and stay tuned to see if the tent revival goes ahead. Why are they so keen on tents? 

[Dysfundamental]

12 hours ago, thoughtful said:

3/31 - this is a good day to know Jesus. Do you know Jesus?

If you knew Jesus

Like I know Jesus,

Oh! Oh! Oh, what a Lord

[EyesOpen]

This guy... Rufus bless indeed!