Erin & Chad 5: I’m Thoroughly Defrauded by Chad’s Attire

[kiwi]

Our then 3yr old son outted our name of choice for his second sister. Then i had my bitchy sister in law call us our for naming her something “trendy” (which her name isnt at all, its actually quite old fashioned).

Bloody laughed out loud when they had their next baby four years later, they named her one of the top ten “trendy” baby names and also gave her a middle name of Elsa (was right in the boom of frozen). We still laugh about it (other sister in law and I).

We name our kids names that can be yelled in a playground, you can imagine them going to a job interview without having to correct pronunciation or spelling, being elderly and not having to explain that their mom and dad liked the Kardashians and in return they ended up being called Dash or North. Failing that, our kids have classic long line family middle names that they can “fall back on” if they think their first names aren’t cutting it [emoji12]

I am forever spelling my name, correcting pronunciation, saying no no im not XYZ im ABC. My boss has a similar sounding name (think John, Johnny, Jonathon, Joanne, Jo), so when I answer the phone and say ABC speaking they automatically say “oh hi XYZ” and i have to correct them.

[VelociRapture]

13 hours ago, RosyDaisy said:

The women in my family can't keep a secret. They announce a pregnancy before the stick dries, the sex seconds after finding out, and the name as soon as they decide. It is also customary in my family for sisters or maternal aunts of the mother to be to host the baby shower. We don't do gender reveal parties. As I said we can't keep a secret.

We found out the sex both times. I figure I’m sharing my body with a tiny stranger and I find it nice to have a bit of extra information about who they are. I couldn’t keep the sex a secret either time because I was too excited to actually hit the point where we could know. I accidentally told the entire family both times even though my Grandma wanted to be surprised (sorry Grandma!) Everyone was still really excited when our daughter arrived because they were just relieved she got here safely.

My sister and BIL waited until the birth to find out with their first son and it was kind of fun for everyone to guess. They chose to find out during the anatomy scan with their second son though because my sister had PPD with her first and they wanted to do everything possible to prevent that from happening again. Medication to preemptively treat PPD, finding out the sex, and limiting visitors in the Hospital to just grandparents helped her a great deal. She thankfully wound up not experiencing another bout of PPD because they were so proactive about it and she had a much easier time adjusting to life with a new baby because of it. 

I personally like keeping the name a secret though. It’s nice being able to refer to our baby by their name, but it’s also nice to have it be something just my husband and I share with each other too. We use a nickname around everyone else - our daughter was known as “Bean” and our son is currently whatever type of pasta we think sounds funniest. 

9 hours ago, JordynDarby5 said:

I agree if you chose to use a name already being used you don't get tell that person to go by a nickname. You either find one for your kid or accept that there's going to be confusion. 

I can completely understand on the flip out too. That probably would be the only time I'd  change from my favorite name if it was the name of stillborn or deceased child. 

I want to name my son for my maternal grandfather, “Joseph.”* He also commonly goes by Joe, which is the name my brother picked when he legally changed his name. My uncle (grandpa’s oldest son) is also named “Joseph”, but goes by JJ. Husband and I figure we can always just use a different and related nickname for our son (like Joey or Little J) or one that’s completely unrelated to his name, but based off personality. Making one of them pick a new nickname for themselves never would have occurred to us because it just seems so rude. 

*Not their names, but something like that. The name we’re leaning towards is actually a longer name than grandpa’s is, which we like since it honors him (and my uncle and brother), but still allows our son to have his own identity and offers a ton more potential nicknames. 

ETA: Both our kids will have family names for first and middle names actually. Our daughter’s first name was the middle name of my favorite great-aunt and is a form of the middle name I share with my mom though, so no one else has her first name at the moment.

Edited July 29, 2019 by VelociRapture

[Flossie]

I was unable to find out the sex of any of my children in advance, though it wasn't for lack of trying.  With the first, I had an early ultrasound to date the pregnancy and to see if it was an ectopic pregnancy.  I had a second ultrasound farther along, but the baby wasn't interested in flashing her privates.  We all figured it out when she was born.

With my second, I didn't go to the doctor until I was farther along, for a couple of reasons, and it was stupid, but thankfully we still had a healthy baby.  So that first ultrasound was around five months, and the baby wouldn't cooperate.  I had another ultrasound at about seven months, but the baby wasn't in the mood to share.  Baby didn't want any part of it and would barely present enough for the tech to get the necessary measurements to check on her heart, lungs, spine, etc.

The third time I was in my thirties, and I was considered high risk because of problems I'd had in the earlier pregnancies and my state of health at the time.  I had several ultrasounds, and the baby was always in sleep mode during them.  She'd be awake and kicking until I got to the exam room, and then it was nap time.  After the test when I was driving away, she'd wake up and kick the shit out of me on the way home.

[feministxtian]

I only knew in advance with my youngest...and dude he was PROUD to show off the goods. The tech chased him around to get the measurements (he was hyperactive from the womb**) but once she got down to where the goods were he happily spread those little legs out W I D E to show off! 

***he was officially diagnosed with ADHD by the time he was 4. He ticked off ALL the boxes for behaviors, etc. He still has some issues even now at 29 but he's worked hard to develop coping skills. 

[FaithAndReason]

19 hours ago, bal maiden said:

This is what my narcissistic mother did with my decision to share the sex of my children when I was pregnant. Hate to break it to you, but your brother and SIL having kids is not about you or what you want. Their decision to share their joy/excitement and want to reveal the gender trumps your with for 'a surprise'. 

Ok well it was five years ago and they were one and done. But yes it makes me a narcissist. They aren’t people who have these ridiculous gender reveal parties and performances. They asked if I wanted to know and I said no, I’d rather wait and be surprised. They live 1200 miles away. It’s not like we are seeing each other every day and they are on zero social media. So unless they specifically texted me the sex, I would have had nearly no chance of accidentally finding out. Sorry for sharing my story. I just like happy surprises. But you’ve straightened me out. 

Oh and be sure to tell the person above whose grandmother wanted to be surprised that the grandma was a narcissist, too. ?

Edited July 30, 2019 by FaithAndReason

[VelociRapture]

7 hours ago, FaithAndReason said:

Ok well it was five years ago and they were one and done. But yes it makes me a narcissist. They aren’t people who have these ridiculous gender reveal parties and performances. They asked if I wanted to know and I said no, I’d rather wait and be surprised. They live 1200 miles away. It’s not like we are seeing each other every day and they are on zero social media. So unless they specifically texted me the sex, I would have had nearly no chance of accidentally finding out. Sorry for sharing my story. I just like happy surprises. But you’ve straightened me out. 

Oh and be sure to tell the person above whose grandmother wanted to be surprised that the grandma was a narcissist, too. ?

Just stepping in really briefly because I’m the poster you’re referencing and I honestly want no part of this if it’s going to turn into some sort of fight:

My Grandma requested not to be told. If she had thrown a massive tantrum over it or held a grudge over finding out early then I’d definitely feel differently*, but she was fine finding out when I messed up both times. It was honestly no big deal for any of us. So no, Grandma was not selfish or rude or a narcissist or anything like that.

*And because apparently I need a Disclaimer for everything, I’m not implying anything about anyone in this thread with this.

That said:

Spoiler

 

[VineHeart137]

On 7/28/2019 at 2:33 PM, FaithAndReason said:

IMHO it’s  so anti-climactic to get to the delivery and after all that work, and it’s “here’s your daughter Sally that you’ve already known about for five months”. I need surprise revealed at the end. Unpopular and not trendy but that’s what I prefer. 

To each their own, I can see the appeal of waiting until birth to find out the sex, but I just have to say that the births of my daughters were not "anti-climactic" in the least just because I knew they both had vaginas beforehand. But I've never thought the sex made a huge difference either way. I'm pretty sure my births were just as joyous and momentous as anyone who waited to find out the sex! ?

[nvmbr02]

I found out the sex ahead of time with three pregnancies and did not with one. I can't say the surprise of my finding out my son was a boy at birth made the birth any more or less exciting. It just seems like him being a boy was such a small thing and probably the least important part of the process. 

I certainly can not speak for everyone. But for ME finding out ahead of time was more exciting.  It still wasn't this big huge thing, but it was like another mile stone hit or something.

My mother in law chose not to find out with any of our pregnancies and I think we did a good job of keeping in a surprise for her. We just asked people not to tell her. If we slipped up with gendered pronouns once in awhile we just tried to slip the other one in somewhere to keep her guessing, I guess it sort of became a game for us. I know she did not know our oldest was a girl when she was born, she had knitted her a "boy" sweater and blanket set since she was convinced she was a boy. I am less sure of how successful we were with the others, but it wasn't a huge thing either way. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

I never found out the sex until birth and it pissed so many people off. And I laughed. Like I said, I’m an asshole when pregnant. 

[melon]

I had ultrasounds with two of my three sons,because they were big,or large for their gestational age.I had big ass babies.

On the first ultrasound,I was 4 months along.The tech let me look.I saw a foot....lol.With the other one,I saw his head and heart.

My grandmother asked..not only how much weight I should gain,but if they knew the sex of my child.I said No,we will find out,later.But I knew in my heart what sex each one of them was before they were born,

 

[just_ordinary]

I don’t get why anyone should be offended either way.... if someone thinks it adds to the birth experience good for you. 

Now, sharing the name seems a whole lot optimistic to me. It’s hard to back from it if you want to (you know when your pick gets popular because the next serial killer has the same name or maybe you just change your mind or your child doesn’t look at all like a „Dahlia Sovereign Gracie“).

[LSUlover]

On 7/28/2019 at 5:55 AM, catlady said:

Most people I know announce the sex and first name* before birth; even the parents who don’t want to know the sex will share their picks for boy and girl names.  Only rarely will someone not announce a name, and that’s because they want to curb others’ opinions/complaining, as @Ticklish said above. 

*it may just be regional, but around here middle names in general are not announced and are not used in daily  life. Even among my friends, I don’t know offhand what everyone’s middle name is.  

It may be regional for sure.  I am in the south and I am 50 years old and my Mamaw still calls me by my first and middle name when I am in "trouble". LOl

[OyToTheVey]

It's also cultural. As a Jew, I would never actually name a baby in utero. We think of names but never actually address it as such.

[CaptainFunderpants]

11 hours ago, nvmbr02 said:

I found out the sex ahead of time with three pregnancies and did not with one. I can't say the surprise of my finding out my son was a boy at birth made the birth any more or less exciting. It just seems like him being a boy was such a small thing and probably the least important part of the process. 

I certainly can not speak for everyone. But for ME finding out ahead of time was more exciting.  It still wasn't this big huge thing, but it was like another mile stone hit or something.

 

I really like this perspective. I always kind of figured I'd be a "wait until birth" person, but you've made a great argument that you actually get more excited anticipation by finding out, and that birth is too wild unto itself to truly appreciate the information at the time.

@nvmbr02 you have officially changed my view on this subject matter.

That said: I don't care what anyone else does and no judgment either way.

[lexiloumarie]

20 hours ago, OyToTheVey said:

It's also cultural. As a Jew, I would never actually name a baby in utero. We think of names but never actually address it as such.

I had a hard time getting much ready even - it felt like breaking some major taboo. I have a cousin who is frum who does absolutely nothing more than basically get her car seat ready and I'd have been a neurotic mess not having a crib ready, etc. But she's had so many babies, I think her house is permanently ready for another baby at this point. 

[rebeccawriter01]

22 hours ago, OyToTheVey said:

It's also cultural. As a Jew, I would never actually name a baby in utero. We think of names but never actually address it as such.

There are also some cultures (Russian for example) where there is a lot of fear and superstition about preparing for a baby and bringing items into the home too soon. A good friend of mine is from Moscow. She and her husband (also Russian) wanted nothing to do with baby showers and the like. They did not buy cribs, toys, clothes, etc. In their case, as she went into labor and went to the hospital, the grandparents both converged on their home and decorated the nursery for them to bring the baby home to later. I had stopped by to bring her parents and his parents dinner. They were waiting to hear if it was a boy or girl to decide which bedding and clothes to buy while they did the assembly work on the furniture. 

[OyToTheVey]

19 hours ago, rebeccawriter01 said:

There are also some cultures (Russian for example) where there is a lot of fear and superstition about preparing for a baby and bringing items into the home too soon. A good friend of mine is from Moscow. She and her husband (also Russian) wanted nothing to do with baby showers and the like. They did not buy cribs, toys, clothes, etc. In their case, as she went into labor and went to the hospital, the grandparents both converged on their home and decorated the nursery for them to bring the baby home to later. I had stopped by to bring her parents and his parents dinner. They were waiting to hear if it was a boy or girl to decide which bedding and clothes to buy while they did the assembly work on the furniture. 

I can attest to this. I'm a Russian Jew lol only recently very Americanized women started having baby showers but none of the items come into the house. It gets separated into grandparents houses and brought over during the hospital stay. A lot of times Dad will go and pick up preordered stuff from Buy Buy Baby or Target. 

[catlady]

42 minutes ago, OyToTheVey said:

I can attest to this. I'm a Russian Jew lol only recently very Americanized women started having baby showers but none of the items come into the house. It gets separated into grandparents houses and brought over during the hospital stay. A lot of times Dad will go and pick up preordered stuff from Buy Buy Baby or Target. 

i had a coworker several years ago whose background was the same as yours; she once said that when her first baby was born and before she was released from the hospital, her husband went home to assemble the crib; they didn't set up anything else in the nursery until after she and the baby got home.

[justmy2cents]

47 minutes ago, OyToTheVey said:

I can attest to this. I'm a Russian Jew lol only recently very Americanized women started having baby showers but none of the items come into the house. It gets separated into grandparents houses and brought over during the hospital stay. A lot of times Dad will go and pick up preordered stuff from Buy Buy Baby or Target. 

I’m from the same background as you. My sister ordered furniture for the baby room when she was pregnant that wasn’t scheduled to arrive till after her due date. She got a message that it was in the warehouse ready to be delivered. She told them not until the baby’s born. They threatened to return it to the factory but luckily my nephew made his appearance 10 days early. Talk about superstitious. 

[allthegoodnamesrgone]

My sister knew the sex and name of her kids early and didn't share the 1st one for awhile but shared the 2nd one right away.  I didn't find out the sex of my kids until my 3rd trimester, didn't get u/s but had bleeding and found out #1 was a boy by accident because he was spreed eagle for the u/s LOL. and we found out with number because of bleeding again and I just wanted to know.  We had names picked but told everyone they were subject to change once we saw the baby and didn't think it fit or just changed out mind.  Both of our kids were 2 days old before we officially named them because we wanted to make sure that was the name, we went back and fourth between 2 names for our son, our daughter was easier because there was really only one name we both loved, but we still waited to make it final.  We just had to make sure our choices were the best ones for us, so we told everyone don't get attached or too upset because all names were subject to change.

[crancraz]

Because of my two mid second trimester pregnancy losses, I was not comfortable having any baby things in the house or having showers. When my baby was born (just a month ago!), my husband went out the next day and purchased a bassinet and car seat, diapers and clothes. He took our older daughters with him and it was a super fun experience for them to be involved in picking things out.

But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go to another baby shower again, even for someone else. I just have too much firsthand experience with how babies can die in utero with no warning or known reason (both myself and several friends) and it feels too superstitious to celebrate before they are born alive. The devastation of dismantling a nursery is just too much.

[nausicaa]

4 hours ago, justmy2cents said:

I’m from the same background as you. My sister ordered furniture for the baby room when she was pregnant that wasn’t scheduled to arrive till after her due date. 

That makes a bit more sense. As a total Type A planner who is super particular about design, I keep wondering how women who are like me and from these cultures deal with rushing everything last minute and having other people pick out their baby's clothes and nursery items. 

[VelociRapture]

We had stuff ready before my daughter was born. I was an anxious mess during my pregnancy and focusing on the “fun” stuff helped me relax a bit. Turned out to be a good thing since she was six weeks early. We were so focused on her being in NICU during her week there and we were kind of in a shocked daze when she was discharged. It was nice not having to worry about where she would sleep or whether we had diapers ready - we just got to focus on getting settled as a new family. The only stuff we didn’t have ready that we needed were preemie sized clothing, formula, and we didn’t have her car seat installed because we didn’t think she’d be born so early. My husband installed her seat a day or two after I was discharged, he got formula for her, and my mom took care of the clothes easily by running to Once Upon a Child for us though. She also got us preemie sized bottle nipples too, which was a huge help. 

I’m almost 24 weeks pregnant right now and we have nothing ready. That’s because we’re trying to sell our condo and move though. If we were settled into a three bedroom place then I would have already started getting his nursery ready and started transitioning my daughter to a toddler bed. I feel pretty unprepared right now, but it’s (mostly) fine because at least we kind of know what to expect this time.

[JermajestyDuggar]

Erin redecorated the children’s room. There is a bunk bed for Carson and Brooklyn and a crib for Everly. I honestly am wondering if she’s planning to stay in this tiny house forever. I’m sure she’s planning on putting the baby in their bedroom. But what happens when the baby grows out of the bassinet? She can’t put babies in a bunk bed. Will she force Chad to build a triple bunk bed?

[OyToTheVey]

Didn’t she just redecorate their room? I think she’s just doing projects to show off Chads skills. Or she’s nesting hardcore all the time.