Lori Alexander 58: A Family Holiday on the Toilet

[ViolaSebastian]

Say what you will about women working outside the home, at least I can spend my free time however I choose. As long as it stays in the realm of legal, my bosses dgaf. My buddy Trey seems to think a husband gets ultimate say in even her leisure time activities. That’s not a husband-wife relationship, that’s master-slave. Disgusting. 

ETA: It’s hysterical that he thinks it’s cheaper to buy fabric and sewing supplies than to buy a product outright. I haven’t found that true for at least 20 years  

 

[smittykins]

Trey must think "free time" is sinful.  Yeah, yeah, idle hands and all that. 

[wallysmommy]

9 hours ago, Kailash said:

There is no one size fits all approach for marriage. Lori cannot (will not) understand that. Saying every married couple should share a bank account makes as much sense as sharing a sleeping bag. Sometimes you want to share, sometimes you don’t or can’t. Good marriages change and evolve. Do what works for you and yours. Ignore Lori. She’s miserable. All her advice isn’t helping anyone, least of all herself.

From the outside looking at her marriage based on her posts, and Ken's two-cents worth, she has no business offering marriage advice on a cookie-cutter, Cleaveresque marriage.  She has a husband who has evidently traveled for business for years, leaving her home with the kids, and now alone so she basically now is single, living on Ken's money.  She makes it look like a great ordeal to take care of her grandchildren on rare occasions.  "Look what a good grandmother I am.  I took care of the grandchildren for 20 minutes in the last month.  We had so much fun together."

Does she know what it is like to truly live with a spouse 24/7, particularly one who is ill and you are the full-time caretaker as he declines into cancer and dementia.  To see the strong, healthy man you married now wearing a diaper and not able to walk from the bed to a chair?  To have no sleep because when your husband gets up numerous times during the night, there is a great chance he will fall and injure himself. 

She wasn't a SAHM.  She was a nanny and housekeeper supervisor, lying on the couch "in pain."  She would have a brigade of caretakers if anything happened to Ken, or she would put him in assisted living.  She has no empathy or compassion for anyone except herself.  

[EowynW]

What was the Rockefeller post? 

[klein_roeschen]

1 hour ago, ViolaSebastian said:

Say what you will about women working outside the home, at least I can spend my free time however I choose. As long as it stays in the realm of legal, my bosses dgaf. My buddy Trey seems to think a husband gets ultimate say in even her leisure time activities. That’s not a husband-wife relationship, that’s master-slave. Disgusting. 

ETA: It’s hysterical that he thinks it’s cheaper to buy fabric and sewing supplies than to buy a product outright. I haven’t found that true for at least 20 years  

 

Great, more wisdom from the godly husband. What did he do think how many spare time a homeschooling and submissive SAHM of many children will have? If their version of godly woman will have 2 peacefull minutes to pee in private, she can count herself lucky. And I second that with making clothes themselve is cheaper. He is so clueless about such things, it hurts. And his stupidy hurts his wife.

[louisa05]

We have a joint savings account that we consider "ours". We each have our own checking account where our paychecks go. He makes more and pays the mortgage, insurance (homeowners is in the mortgage, plus life and vehicles), gas for the cars (goes on our only joint credit card), and car expenses. I pay for groceries, electric, garbage, cable and internet, and incidental things and sometimes pay off big unexpected bills (the new furnace we got a year ago). Gas and water depends on who has what left each month. We each pay for our own cell account (both pay as you go) and our own medical bills if they are not huge. We each buy our own clothes, shoes, toothpaste, shampoo, etc... We buy gifts for our own side of the family. If I buy something for one of his parents--ordered something online last night for his dad--he pays me back and vice versa. 

Our reasons for separate checking: 1--We both had jobs with direct deposit payroll when we got married--it's a pain in the ass to change all that. 2--We used different banks and neither of us really wanted to switch. 3--Being single well into our 30s and doing what we wanted with our money, neither of us wanted to have to start answering to the other. Or, as he puts it, "I don't want to explain all the stupid stuff I buy to you.". ? Obviously, a key piece of that is that we are both responsible with our money and able to budget so that the bills are paid and there is money in savings. 4--I think it would be annoying to have to keep track of two people spending money with debit cards. With smartphone banking apps, it might be easier, but ten years ago, that wasn't an option and this is how we do things now. 

And here's the thing: we have literally never fought about money. I think keeping a good portion of it separate helps with that. 

@Maggie Mae There was a period when my dad was sick and I was only working 4-5 days a month where I had very little money. At that time, my only household bill responsibility was groceries fortunately. Mr. 05 would sometimes tell me to put something I wanted or needed on our joint credit card and he would pay for it, but I had a very hard time doing that. Like you, I was used to making my own money and didn't like feeling dependent. I was more apt to put it on my own card and struggle to pay it off. He actually hauled me to the Oakley outlet once to get sunglasses I needed so he could pay for them and I would have them. My optometrist had chewed me out for wearing cheap drugstore sunglasses with my retinal condition (side note: cheap big box and drugstore sunglasses do not always have the UV rating they say they do and are not always polarized even if they say they are). Mr. O5 had told me to go pick out a pair at Oakley and put them on that card and I didn't do it for a month. He was frustrated with me and kept telling me that separate accounts don't mean that it isn't all "our money" and he's not going to have what he needs while I don't just because he makes more. 

 

[ViolaSebastian]

RE: her latest post, I also find it’s interesting that neither Lori nor Trey grasp that a person can be busy AND lonely. Being super busy isn’t going to stop most people’s innate need for connection and interaction. When you have just young kids, that becomes a need for interaction with other adults. 

I once read an article that I’ll try to find that posits that divorce rates rose because of the breakdown of an extended support system, which forced people to rely on their spouses to fulfill every possible emotional and social need. When I lived in a rural place and just saw my now ex-spouse, for the most part, he was miserable because he spent all day with other people and wanted quiet and to be left alone, whereas I needed someone to talk to so that I didn’t feel so isolated. If I’d been given a chance to go to say, ladies Bible study, it would have put less pressure on both of us. 

[louisa05]

On the topic of having another name or beneficiaries on bank accounts, don't forget to have another name down as an account manager or authorized person on accounts like utilities, cable, cell phone, etc...Most of those for my parents were in dad's name and making any changes has been extremely difficult since he died. Plus since my mother is legally blind, sometimes I need to handle an account issue for her and without my name on the account as an authorized person, customer service can be extremely difficult (I've been accused of identity theft twice now and one customer service phone person was threatening to report me to authorities for it--never mind I was trying to cut her service which would have lowered her bill and they couldn't explain to me how that would be a scam that would benefit me).

Having been through this with her, I have double checked all of our accounts. Some will not put two names on anything, but will let you add an authorized person who can also make decisions. 

[ladyicantxplain]

All of this financial talk is very important.  During the height of our fundie days and during the peak of the financial abuse years (borne out of the fundie beginnings), we had one bank account with his name on it, and I signed my paychecks over to him (endorsed them over) so he could deposit them.  The idea was that he would dole out whatever I needed after this by way of giving me a credit card, also on HIS sole account, but with my name on it as account user.  Problem was, there was never any CREDIT on the credit card after one point, because he was drinking away my paychecks all day while he was unemployed, instead of paying the bills.

This system does NOT work (making The Little Missus completely financially dependent upon her husband by removing even her name from checking accounts, savings, assets, etc.)  If anything at all happens to the man, the woman finds herself back in Bible times trying to dig out of the pit of financial ruin.  I know; my husband was found almost dead from a critical injury and I had to pick my way through piles of junk mail to try to find out what we had, while he was in the hospital intubated!  Didn't know anything; couldn't pay anyone without him...it was insane.

Trey can go rub one off in the shower.  What a vile excuse for manhood.

 

[ViolaSebastian]

@ladyicantxplain, my husband did that as well. My paycheques were direct-deposited into a joint account that I technically had access to, but with no bank card and limited access to transportation, I effectively didn’t. I did have access to a credit card in his name, but he would use it as a means to track exactly what I was spending and where I was spending it. It was another way he could control me—I couldn’t rent a motel room, for example, and if I would have left and purchased gas somewhere, he could track me using that. 

[ADoyle90815]

People are having fun with the flow chart thing, one being the Facebook page for the blogger MommyGyver.

Quote

 

[ViolaSebastian]

Whoever did that doodle needs a Noble prize. That is the best. 

[feministxtian]

@louisa05 you and I sound a lot alike. I'm used to being independent and taking care of my own business. My X used to berate me for what I spent on groceries and there was no $ for incidentals for me or the kids. He was a full-blown controlling ass. 

Mr. Xtian and I have never fought about money. EVER. We joke that we don't have enough to fight over (which is now untrue). I handle the bill paying, and tell him what bills "he" paid (which account I took the money out of). I pay most of the rent, my car payment, the cell phone bill. He pays the car insurance and utilities and a part of the rent. It works for us. Oh, I pay for the netflix and hulu. I also have a couple of other things but they're for me so they're not counted as bills but incidentals. Everything else is just whoever. 

We've mostly banked at the same credit unions over the years, When we were in VA, we both banked at the credit union attached to where I worked. When we moved out west, it became a royal pain in the butt because there were no branches of that credit union outside the local area where we lived. So, we moved everything over to a credit union that is associated with the military and has branches literally all over the world. 

Now our accounts are "joint" but are still his and mine. The biggest advantage to having them both be joint is being able to access both accounts from one bill pay screen. It just made life easier and at this "season of life", I'm ALL about making things easier. 

I still have incredible anxiety over money...I mean, like panic attack level anxiety. I quite possibly always will, too many years of not enough money. 

[louisa05]

16 minutes ago, feministxtian said:

 

I still have incredible anxiety over money...I mean, like panic attack level anxiety. I quite possibly always will, too many years of not enough money. 

I do, too. My first few years out of college, I could not make ends meet and barely ate. 

Mr. 05 is actually in charge of bill paying. He hands me the ones I need to pay when it is time. I'm terrible with that. Everything was on automatic payment when I lived alone. 

His checking account still doesn't have my name on it, just because it never got done. This thread reminds me, once again, that we need to get that done. I changed to a new bank a few years ago, so his got put on mine then. Our checking accounts are at separate banks and our savings is at a third one. 

 

[sleepy_doggos]

I just want to remark, amongst all this extremely informative financial talk, that I am wearing leggings today. My ass and crotch are uncovered. 90% of the women at this coffee shop are wearing something similar. Everyone is minding their own business and no one is harassing or being harassed.
Suck it, Lori.

[Sarah92]

I think it's easy for Trey to say this crap because he doesn't have to do it. That stuff is time consuming and often more expensive. Why sew a dress when I can buy one at similar costs without the labor? I crochet and really there isn't much cost difference between buying a hat and buying yarn to make it. I mean yes I can use a thing of yarn for multiple things but that takes a lot of time. 

Thos "good old days" were back breaking work constantly and kids had shorter adolescence and were expected to handle things at younger years (including marriage). 

Why should a woman have to ask her husband what to do with her free time? Is she not allowed to rest like her husband does after he comes home from work? Is she a child?  Oh and now she has to remain isolated away from other women because of... Idk gossip? That's incredibly unhealthy. Humans literally need socialization to remain healthy. Those who come to my office with little social support are often much worse off, and I do mean that I see this often. 

Trey wins the Bullshiticus award today for writing something that is complete bullshit. 

[feministxtian]

I win the lazy wife award today. We went grocery shopping and Mr. Xtian is putting away the groceries! I mean, I could do it, but then I'd spend the rest of the day horizontal and wanting to kill the bitch that caused this. And, because Mr. Xtian doesn't want that to happen, he's putting away the groceries. Smith's had chuck roasts on BOGO today so I bought a couple of them and plan a pot roast here shortly. OM NOM NOM. 

[wallysmommy]

Well, well, well...Lori's index finger must be sore from all the deleting today.  The flowchart post went from over 1,800 comments to around 980.  

So, Trey, if your little woman doesn't do things that you like, do you discipline her with a back hand to the mouth in the name of the Holy Spirit?  

[delphinium65]

1 hour ago, Sarah92 said:

 Oh and now she has to remain isolated away from other women because of... 

Abuser tactics. Isolate your victim, make it harder for her to escape, or to even realize she has the option. 

[Hane]

That stupid fucking Trey post has always made me livid. Okay, dudebro: scare me up some fabric that’s wide enough to make sheets with. I’ll wait.

I enjoy sewing. Back in the ‘70s, I made almost all my own clothes, and lots for my mom, sisters, and daughter, and saved lots of money that way. Today? Doing that would cost a mint. Premade clothes cost far less than fabric, patterns, and notions. Nowadays I only make things that I can’t buy, or when I want to make something unique.

[Sarah92]

I think the only crafty thing I really save a lot of money on, as opposed to just buying it, is doing my own paintings and the embroidered canvases that I do. Both would cost more if I was paying an artist. One can make cool art work pretty for cheap if they feel like it. But those aren't essentials like food or clothes which can cost more to make by hand/grow. 

Conclusion: Trey is an abuser who is out of touch with reality.

[Alisamer]

I'm amazed at the number of people, not just Trey the douchenozzle, who seem to think making things is always cheaper than buying them. I just bought a really nice wool sweater at the thrift shop for $3.50. I'm currently knitting a wool sweater for myself, and I've got well over $60 just in the yarn, and it's definitely not perfect. And I've been working on it well over a month and am not even half done. People are always saying about my hand knit stuff "oh you should sell that!" Until I tell them the scarf they're admiring cost $30 for yarn and took a month to make, and the socks cost around $12 for the yarn and took over 40 hours to make. I prefer the hand made stuff but it's definitely not a cost savings over the $5 stuff you can buy at the store.

Sewing and knitting and such are good skills to know if the apocalypse comes, but they aren't going to save anyone money right now. Fabric is expensive, good yarn is expensive, and it takes way more time than people think it does. 

Make sheets? Really? The only fabric I've seen that wide is the specialty upholstery and curtain fabric, and maybe some tulle and such for dance costumes. 

Trey is dumb. So is Lori. 

[SongRed7]

7 hours ago, sleepy_doggos said:

just want to remark, amongst all this extremely informative financial talk, that I am wearing leggings today.

Same!  I was Christmas shopping all day— In leggings. No one even noticed.. nothing bad happened! 

6 hours ago, Sarah92 said:

Why should a woman have to ask her husband what to do with her free time? Is she not allowed to rest like her husband does after he comes home from work? Is she a child?  Oh and now she has to remain isolated away from other women

More and more like the handmaids tale. Women are slaves/possessions/no rights whatsoever. truly Scary stuff

[feministxtian]

The pot roast, according to "the boss"  was excellent!!! It even managed to fill him up! 

Good little wifey...LOL

[SuperNova]

13 hours ago, ViolaSebastian said:

It’s hysterical that he thinks it’s cheaper to buy fabric and sewing supplies than to buy a product outright. I haven’t found that true for at least 20 years

The 70's were really the last great decade of the home sewist. With the 80's came Reaganomics, consumerism, the rise of the shopping mall, and fast fashion. Why sew something when you can buy it ready made for the same price? Home sewn became equated to being too poor to buy off the rack. I remember being embarrassed on picture day because my dress was homemade. It was 1986 and I can recall kids laughing and teachers commenting that home sewn is "so much better" despite the fact that I was the only kid wearing something sewn at home. And yes, we were the poorest kids attending the best schools in our city.

In 2018, sewing is a hobby and a luxury and the fabric prices reflect that. The only time sewing is actually cheaper (if you don't count the time spent) is when you make bespoke clothing but honestly, how many people are having garments hand made to their specifications any more? Maybe a McCalls quik-sew pattern was fine for our mothers but most sewing communities that I belong to are looking for something unique and special and that translates to money and time. The last article of clothing I made took 60+ hours from drafting phase to completion and cost $100.00 in sale fabric. If I paid myself minimum wage, that's $660.00 labor bringing my basic cost to $760.00 not including other trim and supplies. I made some new jammie pants last night and it costed me $15.00 in supplies. I could've bought them cheaper at Target and saved an hour.

Trey is a moron.