Lori Alexander 58: A Family Holiday on the Toilet

[TeddyBonkers]

2 hours ago, SongRed7 said:

 

Something is seriously wrong with her. Next she'll be building a bomb shelter in her backyard filing it with Jim Baker's emergency food buckets:  https://store.jimbakkershow.com/product-category/food/entrees/buckets/

 

Since Lori's book isn't going to be a NYT bestseller (or a Lifeway bestseller for that matter), perhaps she can get in on a niche market of organic emergency slop.

I mean, we've ALL seen the pictures of her soup- if that isn't "I would have to be starving to eat that" I don't know what is.

[ViolaSebastian]

23 hours ago, Sarah92 said:

Lori just likes to find new ways to harp on people doesn't she? Whether someone changes their last name or not is none of her fucking business. My degrees that I worked my ass off for are in my name so I wouldn't mind keeping it especially if I go for a doctorate degree.

This is the reason that I changed my name back to my maiden name after my divorce, even though it was a huge pain the ass. I'll be damned if I was going to look at my degrees and see my ex-husbands name. 

[Briefly]

3 hours ago, NotQuiteMotY said:

Hm. I think the only things that don't have both names on it are the car my husband bought well before we got married and maybe the internet provider. I should check on that last one... And it is both names, since I never changed mine. So am I good because we have joint accounts or awful because I still have the name I was born with, Lori? Inquiring minds and all.

We are both on everything.  We have two checking accounts, one is household expenses (utilities, groceries, mortgage, etc.) and we refer to that one as mine.  The second one is for our business and we refer to that one as his.  They are both ours, but it got confusing when we discussed the accounts so we named them his and mine.  The cars are titled in both our names. We are both on the fund which we've set up for our retirement.  We are both on the deed t the house, but at the moment the mortgage is in my name only because when we refinanced a little over a year ago, our business had not been in existence long enough but I make enough $$ at my job to be able to qualify for the new mortgage by myself.  I told Mr, Briefly that he's better behave or I will evict him!

Even when we were flirting with fundamentalism, I was always in charge of bill paying.  When we were separated several years ago (we actually got divorced and then back together and remarried), he realized that he was not anywhere near as organized as he needed to be to keep the rent paid on time, etc., and that is was in his/my/our/society's best interest if I was always in charge of our finances.

[SongRed7]

And it looks like the “Rockefeller Foundation” post is gone. I wonder who tipped her off? I’d love to see the look in her face when she had to take it down

[feministxtian]

I'm in charge of bill paying here too. Mr. Xtian is horrible about budgeting and the like, where I'm very meticulous about it. He asks me how much money he can spend...and usually has a bit of a snit when I tell him that I'm taking "his" money to pay bills. See, before his cranio-rectal inversion, he would think "his" money was "his" and since I was working and making decent money he could basically withdraw cash out of his bank account and stash it to blow when he wanted to blow it. In the meantime, i'm trying to figure out the bills. He's all like "well, you just got paid, what do you mean you're broke?" type of shit. After he got his shit straight, I told him that I was going to pay the bills with both "his" money and "my" money and I'd let him know what was left over when I was done. So, now, he's more aware of shit but he still doesn't pay the bills...I do. 

[Sarah92]

I think I've learned more about married life from y'all than I ever will from Lori... Besides maybe what not to do from her. I've never thought much about joint account and things like that but this is all very important info I should store away for the future just in case. 

 

Also imagine hating women so much you'd rather believe some man paid for them to fight for their rights so he can help destroy the family unit as opposed to women having very valid reasons to fight for their rights. 

[Koala]

46 minutes ago, SongRed7 said:

And it looks like the “Rockefeller Foundation” post is gone. I wonder who tipped her off? I’d love to see the look in her face when she had to take it down

She put it back up 3 mins ago.  Weird. 

[Loveday]

15 minutes ago, Koala said:

She put it back up 3 mins ago.  Weird. 

It's not showing up at all for me now. I've refreshed the page and even logged out and back in to FB, but it's gone at my end. Very odd.

[SongRed7]

32 minutes ago, Loveday said:

49 minutes ago, Koala said:

 

It's not showing up at all for me now. I've refreshed the page and even logged out and back in to FB, but it's gone at my end.

It’s gone for me too.  She’s really losing  it.  Someone needs to take her internet connection away, right @Ken

[Maggie Mae]

We aren't married, but even if we were, my money is my money and his money is his money. We split bills equally. He tells me how much and I venmo it to him. He pays more because I have student loans. We both cook and eat our own food and share our food with each other. We don't really "do" dinner. 

I can't imagine living in someone's house and not contributing in any meaningful fashion. How do these people stand it? I know some of you are SAHW/SAHM, but I just can't imagine going to Nordstrom and spending his money on clothing for me. It's just not a lifestyle I understand at all. 

[Koala]

Yep...she deleted it again.  I swear she is cracking up.

[Loveday]

13 minutes ago, Maggie Mae said:

We aren't married, but even if we were, my money is my money and his money is his money. We split bills equally. He tells me how much and I venmo it to him. He pays more because I have student loans. We both cook and eat our own food and share our food with each other. We don't really "do" dinner. 

I can't imagine living in someone's house and not contributing in any meaningful fashion. How do these people stand it? I know some of you are SAHW/SAHM, but I just can't imagine going to Nordstrom and spending his money on clothing for me. It's just not a lifestyle I understand at all. 

 

I'm a SAHW/SAHM (kids are grown now), and in our marriage it's not 'his' money, it's'our' money, because what I do at home plus helping his parents and my mom over the years in dealing with their issues as they get older--dementia/Alzheimer's and a host of physical ailments which means they require help all the time; I have many weeks where I'm busy with them nearly every single day for a good 5-6 hours or more each day--is of as much value as his paid work is.  I consider that contributing in a very meaningful fashion.

Of course, I don't shop at Nordstrom. LOL. I'm one of those extreme couponers/deep discount hunters who also shops at thrift stores for nearly everything besides food and household products. I don't waste a penny if I can possibly help it, believe me. I'm not 'spending his money,' though, I'm spending ours. He looks at it in the same way. If he didn't, we'd have had words long ago, and we might not still be married today.

[Maggie Mae]

33 minutes ago, Loveday said:

I'm a SAHW/SAHM (kids are grown now), and in our marriage it's not 'his' money, it's'our' money, because what I do at home plus helping his parents and my mom over the years in dealing with their issues as they get older--dementia/Alzheimer's and a host of physical ailments which means they require help all the time; I have many weeks where I'm busy with them nearly every single day for a good 5-6 hours or more each day--is of as much value as his paid work is.  I consider that contributing in a very meaningful fashion.

Of course, I don't shop at Nordstrom. LOL. I'm one of those extreme couponers/deep discount hunters who also shops at thrift stores for nearly everything besides food and household products. I don't waste a penny if I can possibly help it, believe me. I'm not 'spending his money,' though, I'm spending ours. He looks at it in the same way. If he didn't, we'd have had words long ago, and we might not still be married today.

I didn't mean to be insulting. It's just a dynamic that doesn't work for me. I'd feel like I'd have to live in poverty, and wear borrowed clothing or get a part time job before I spent any money on something that couldn't be shared.  Even my grandmother, who would be 99 or 100, had she not died a few years ago, went to work retail as soon as she could (last kid in school, 1950s) mostly so she could have nicer things. 
 

I personally would never feel comfortable doing any of that, either. My mom does the elder care for her dad, after doing it for my dad, and working in a LTC facility after retiring from respiratory therapy, and I absolutely can not deal with any of that. I don't have the mental capacity, patience, or drive. Maybe I'm selfish, don't care.  She made most of the money for the house and still had to ask for permission to buy shit for herself, so i'm not about to play that game. I also have zero interest in buying clothing or picking out meals for another grown adult. Our dynamic works for us, but I realize it's unusual. 

[Loveday]

1 minute ago, Maggie Mae said:

I didn't mean to be insulting. It's just a dynamic that doesn't work for me. I'd feel like I'd have to live in poverty, and wear borrowed clothing or get a part time job before I spent any money on something that couldn't be shared.  Even my grandmother, who would be 99 or 100, had she not died a few years ago, went to work retail as soon as she could (last kid in school, 1950s) mostly so she could have nicer things. 
 

I personally would never feel comfortable doing any of that, either. My mom does the elder care for her dad, after doing it for my dad, and working in a LTC facility after retiring from respiratory therapy, and I absolutely can not deal with any of that. I don't have the mental capacity, patience, or drive. Maybe I'm selfish, don't care.  She made most of the money for the house and still had to ask for permission to buy shit for herself, so i'm not about to play that game. I also have zero interest in buying clothing or picking out meals for another grown adult. Our dynamic works for us, but I realize it's unusual. 

I didn't take it as insulting. Just wanted to explain how things work for me and my husband in our marriage. 

As for the elder care...I don't actually have the patience or drive either, to be honest. But someone has to do it, and as I'm the only one for my mom, all of her care falls on me by default. There just is no one else, and she's who I spend most of my time with as there are other family members who help with my FIL (MIL very recently passed, but FIL has started down the dementia road himself now). I'm glad to help my mom, I love her very much and we're extremely close, but there are many times I wish I could just walk away. And then I feel HORRIBLE for wishing that, especially as she's so appreciative and does her best to not 'be a burden,' as she sometimes puts it. I really fight to make sure I don't show my impatience, but I don't know how successful at it I am. 

[feministxtian]

Now that I'm working again, I have NO problem spending money on myself. However, it seems like every time I go shopping I'll find something I know Mr. Xtian would like or could use and buy it for him. I don't have to do it, I know that but I just do. I know it makes him feel good that I thought of him, so what the hell!!! 

When I wasn't working I wouldn't even ask him for gas money for my car, and felt guilty as shit for "not pulling my weight". I know that's fucked up thinking, but well...

[Maggie Mae]

14 minutes ago, feministxtian said:

Now that I'm working again, I have NO problem spending money on myself. However, it seems like every time I go shopping I'll find something I know Mr. Xtian would like or could use and buy it for him. I don't have to do it, I know that but I just do. I know it makes him feel good that I thought of him, so what the hell!!! 

Interestingly enough, I used to do that, and still do sometimes, but I think that mr maggie mae doesn't really like it when I do that. I think he feels obligated to like it or guilty about it. I love him. 

 

16 minutes ago, Loveday said:

I didn't take it as insulting. Just wanted to explain how things work for me and my husband in our marriage. 

As for the elder care...I don't actually have the patience or drive either, to be honest. But someone has to do it, and as I'm the only one for my mom, all of her care falls on me by default. There just is no one else, and she's who I spend most of my time with as there are other family members who help with my FIL (MIL very recently passed, but FIL has started down the dementia road himself now). I'm glad to help my mom, I love her very much and we're extremely close, but there are many times I wish I could just walk away. And then I feel HORRIBLE for wishing that, especially as she's so appreciative and does her best to not 'be a burden,' as she sometimes puts it. I really fight to make sure I don't show my impatience, but I don't know how successful at it I am. 

I'm so worried about what will happen next. My mom helped my dad until he died, and I wasn't really there -- I live 4000 miles away. Then she immediately (against all advice) moved in with my grandpa, who is 98 as of September, and started taking care of him. (She has many siblings who also can help but aren't) I have no siblings that would be obligated to her. She's going to be 70 in the spring. She probably doesn't want to move here. I do not want to move back. I just want some time to get some savings together before another semi-expected but unwanted expense comes up. I also want my mom to have the ability to do what she wants without any obligations for once. I don't want her to be sick and in pain and me not be there, but I also just don't want to .. . be there. Not because I don't like her, but because my life is here. And I really don't have much patience for sick people. My dad sucked all of that out of me, growing up. 

All that to say: Your feelings are normal! dementia is really really hard. People here are always there to listen if you need to talk. 

[Kailash]

There is no one size fits all approach for marriage. Lori cannot (will not) understand that. Saying every married couple should share a bank account makes as much sense as sharing a sleeping bag. Sometimes you want to share, sometimes you don’t or can’t. Good marriages change and evolve. Do what works for you and yours. Ignore Lori. She’s miserable. All her advice isn’t helping anyone, least of all herself.

[Hisey]

2 hours ago, Maggie Mae said:

How do these people stand it? I know some of you are SAHW/SAHM, but I just can't imagine going to Nordstrom and spending his money on clothing for me. It's just not a lifestyle I understand at all. 

You're assuming SAHMs have no money of their own. That's an incorrect assumption. Some do.

I came into our marriage with savings, earned more when we were DINKs and have made some good retirement investments. I consider this money "ours" but I earned it. It's helped give our family the freedom to have me at home (though I never shop at pricey places like Nordstroms. I also never buy hubby's clothes, and we plan meals together).

I know several SAHMs who were formerly well-paid professionals. All have sources of passive income (writing income, rents from commercial property, dividends) that give them the freedom to stay at home. One inherited money after a parent died.

Maybe that's why you don't understand the lifestyle. Because you can't know what's going on in people's lives. Some women are good at cooking, some are good at the financial markets. You really can't tell who is who unless you ask them, and why does it matter?

 

[feministxtian]

1 hour ago, Kailash said:

There is no one size fits all approach for marriage. Lori cannot (will not) understand that. Saying every married couple should share a bank account makes as much sense as sharing a sleeping bag. Sometimes you want to share, sometimes you don’t or can’t. Good marriages change and evolve. Do what works for you and yours. Ignore Lori. She’s miserable. All her advice isn’t helping anyone, least of all herself.

Exactly! Marriages are as individual as fingerprints (well in a 2-some). What works for me & Mr. Xtian won't work for anybody else in some cases. We also have a sort of weird set up anyway where I work full time and he works part time and gets SSDI. Every couple needs to do what works for them. We can all give tips and advice, but the truth is, just because something works for one couple, doesn't mean it will work for EVERY couple. Also, marriages (should) grow and change over the years. You're not the same person and it's not the same relationship 1 year, 5 years, 20 years into that relationship. Hell, managing to get to 20 years without killing each other is an achievement! Being able to grow and adapt as circumstances and life changes happen, I think, is a good indicator of a healthy relationship. 

Now, if the damn dishes don't get done tomorrow I'm going to flip my shit. I can't do the dishes b/c I end up in bed for the rest of the day (pain) but damn...ya know? 

[klein_roeschen]

11 hours ago, Maggie Mae said:

I'm a little confused by this. Is this like a german version of the sovereign citizen "thing" ? 

Ah, didn't know what they where called in english, thanks. Yes, they are our brand of crazy sovereign citizen. Some of them declared themselfes king of germany or parts of germany.

 

[TeddyBonkers]

6 hours ago, Maggie Mae said:

I didn't mean to be insulting. It's just a dynamic that doesn't work for me. I'd feel like I'd have to live in poverty, and wear borrowed clothing or get a part time job before I spent any money on something that couldn't be shared.  Even my grandmother, who would be 99 or 100, had she not died a few years ago, went to work retail as soon as she could (last kid in school, 1950s) mostly so she could have nicer things. 

Echoing what others have said, there isn't a rule book for marriage. What works for me may not work for you because we are different. As long as each of us is safe, happy, and loved, that's what's important (IMO).

I do the SAHM thing, but I'm looking for work I can do at home because Mr. Bonkers' work hours are insane and I'd prefer to be available for the kids when they come home from school, have sick days, or want me to go on a field trip. I also do a lot of volunteer work, and a job would interfere with that. Do we NEED the money? no, but I want to build up our savings accounts. I do 'make' my own money; I collect VA disability, but it's a fraction of what my husband makes.

I do 99% of the household chores for the simple fact that Mr. Bonkers is not around to do them. I don't feel like it's "earning my keep", it's one of my ways of contributing to our partnership. I also handle the finances, which are shared. Am I going to go out and buy a pair of Loubuiton heels? No, but if it's time for the kids to get new winter coats I don't need to beg for money either. Of course, I'm a pretty frugal person. Mr. Bonkers and I had a spirited discussion about turning the heat up to 72 last night. (he won.)

Lori would say I'm going to hell, I'm sure-sending my kids to public school, volunteering outside of the house, loving my husband, but she can sit on a cactus and spin.

[danvillebelle]

I am a SAHM.  Sometimes I struggle with spending on myself, but a lot of times over the years I have spent too much.  I'm trying to be more minimalist this year so that has helped.

But my wonderful husband insists that what he earns is our money, and if I need or want something (within reason) I should get it.  ❤️

I am not able to work at this time due to my anxiety.  But I am about to start donating plasma regularly, and it will help me feel a little better about spending on myself (while helping others at the same time).

[Loveday]

8 hours ago, Maggie Mae said:

Interestingly enough, I used to do that, and still do sometimes, but I think that mr maggie mae doesn't really like it when I do that. I think he feels obligated to like it or guilty about it. I love him. 

 

I'm so worried about what will happen next. My mom helped my dad until he died, and I wasn't really there -- I live 4000 miles away. Then she immediately (against all advice) moved in with my grandpa, who is 98 as of September, and started taking care of him. (She has many siblings who also can help but aren't) I have no siblings that would be obligated to her. She's going to be 70 in the spring. She probably doesn't want to move here. I do not want to move back. I just want some time to get some savings together before another semi-expected but unwanted expense comes up. I also want my mom to have the ability to do what she wants without any obligations for once. I don't want her to be sick and in pain and me not be there, but I also just don't want to .. . be there. Not because I don't like her, but because my life is here. And I really don't have much patience for sick people. My dad sucked all of that out of me, growing up. 

All that to say: Your feelings are normal! dementia is really really hard. People here are always there to listen if you need to talk. 

Thank you. I don't talk too much here about my situation (I hope! LOL), but it's good to know there's always someone around to help, isn't it, even if it is only to listen (sometimes that's all we need!) as the hard things come up in our lives. 

[AuntKrazy]

@Loveday

My MIL passed away earlier this year after a prolonged battle with Alzheimer's, and my own father has beginning stages now. I know the feeling you expressed.

We will be praying for you.

[Loveday]

3 minutes ago, AuntKrazy said:

@Loveday

My MIL passed away earlier this year after a prolonged battle with Alzheimer's, and my own father has beginning stages now. I know the feeling you expressed.

We will be praying for you.

I'm so sorry. It's one of the hardest things we can ever go through, isn't it?    My thoughts and prayers for you as well.