Seewalds 34: No News Yet

[karen77]

On 7/13/2018 at 6:25 AM, Meggo said:

My son is 5 and is in pullups at night. He can USUALLY hold his pee if he falls asleep for a nap - but has woken up dry maybe twice in his whole life. So... we wait. He'll get there eventually.

 

This is us too... I'm hoping it ends soon though, tired of the overnight diapers.

On 7/13/2018 at 1:11 PM, justoneoftwo said:

No one knows this!  Its so clever and yet people are not told!  

My new mom advice is to get two or three crib sheets and water proof mattress pads and then layer the crip, WP pad, sheet, WP pad, sheet, etc. Then, when you have issues in the middle of the night, you just whip off a layer of sheet and pad and all is clean and you don't have to make the crib up in the  middle of the night, which is a PITA.  Someone told me this and it was genius, so I pass it on.

[karen77]

oh the onesie thing, I heard about it going down near the end of kid 2.... mind blowing, BUT we rarely had poop-plosions, thank you cloth diapers!!

 

Didn't know about the juice box wings until just now, so thanks!

[justoneoftwo]

34 minutes ago, karen77 said:

oh the onesie thing, I heard about it going down near the end of kid 2.... mind blowing, BUT we rarely had poop-plosions, thank you cloth diapers!!

 

Didn't know about the juice box wings until just now, so thanks!

are cloth diapers better for explosions?  My mom seemed to think the disposables had been majorly improved since I was a baby.  We didn't have many issues either, just when sizes needed to be changed.

[Kailash]

@StraightOuttaArkansas My advice is to definitely get him into therapy as soon as possible.  I’m sure he has issues he doesn’t even know he has with regards to all of this. It probably affects nearly every aspect of his life, which you may or may not be aware of. I also agree with the poster who said to talk to his doctor. As far as him lying to you about the underwear, I would barely mention it. Something along the lines of “I found your hidden underwear. I’m sorry you felt like you had to lie.” He’s obviously ashamed, and it’s not his fault. I’d find a good stain remover and let him know where it is and how to use it. Even if he just pre treats them and you finish washing and drying. My advice is to treat this like any other medical condition, because that’s what it is. Avoid placing blame, just deal with it matter of factly. And be discreet! 

Some therapy for you may be a good idea too.  Carrying around that load of mommy guilt isn’t doing anyone in your family any good. 

I hope something I’ve said helps. The FJ community is an amazing place for parental support. I’m glad you shared about this and hope that your son’s health improves. 

[Mama Mia]

@StraightOuttaArkansas - I mean this in the most respectful way possible - I’m just curious - I’ve never heard boys/ men’s underwear refered to as “panties” before. Is that the common term in your area ? 

In addition to therapy, probiotics, forgiving yourself, and all the other good suggestions you’ve received - I would just have him start washing his own clothes. He’s old enough, and it sounds like maybe he needs a bit of autonomy ? 

Just a thought, I don’t have experience in this particular area ( other than having a couple kids / grandkids who didn’t stay dry at night / had frequent accidents until 6 ish ) - But  some of my kids did better with self-care issues once I kind of backed out of the process, and it was up to them to take on the responsibility. 

[SapphireSlytherin]

I'm from Arkansas and never called men's underwear "panties," so I was wondering the same.

[Ais]

Not a judgement on anyone, except me maybe lol - I hate the word "panties", it gives me the creeps for reasons I'll never understand, like nails on a blackboard.

[SorenaJ]

In the UK men's underwear is called pants, women's knickers. Haven't heard men's underwear referred to as panties. 

[Thorns]

@StraightOuttaArkansas I would also recommend therapy, and really aggressive treatment of his constipation! That will help his  muscle controll and reflexes come back, slowly but surely. And I presume celiac disease and all the medical conditions have been tested for? "Functional" constipation is so hard for those affected, I really feel for you and your son!

[Ais]

@StraightOuttaArkansas apologies for getting hung up on one word, I went back and reread your post. I have 2 teenage sons who are 18 and 19 so technically grown men now. Like you I've been lucky to miss the usual teenage issues so far but despite that I still found it easier to parent a 1 year old and a newborn than two almost adults.

There is something about teenage boys, secrecy seems to be their default setting, especially over what seems like trivial things to their mums.

You said that you feel like you approached things the wrong way with him as a child. Have you discussed this with him? I made mistakes with my own sons regarding discipline when they were younger, holding them to impossible standards. Since I realised that I have talked to them about it, explained why I did it and that I know I was wrong, and I apologised. It won't change the fact that it happened but i felt it was important that they knew. I wish there was more I could say to help, just know that you aren't alone and neither is he. I would definitely look at further therapy for him, both in terms of counselling and a physical check up. In the meantime the only thing I can suggest is to show him how to use the washing machine. He may feel less self conscious about the soiled underwear if he can launder it himself and no one else sees it x

[CarrotCake]

I always get confused by words for underwear in English. The difference between the UK and the USA and the fact that we call pantyhoses 'panties' in Dutch.

We just call it 'underpants', both for men and women.

[nvmbr02]

13 hours ago, justoneoftwo said:

are cloth diapers better for explosions?  My mom seemed to think the disposables had been majorly improved since I was a baby.  We didn't have many issues either, just when sizes needed to be changed.

I did disposables with my oldest and for the first 18 or so months with my second and then I switched to cloth. I did find for the most part cloth held the explosions in better than the disposables did, at least on my kids. My youngest was the only one we used cloth on in the newborn stage but she never had any poop explosions. With my other two we had a few each. Of course, there could have been other factors as to why or we could have just gotten lucky with the youngest. She was born 2009 so not recently, but not in the early days of disposable diapers either. 

We had switched to cloth with my son because of chronic diaper rash. I suspect he was allergic to something in the diapers but I don't know for sure. The rashes did clear up when we switched though. My oldest didn't have too many difficulties with disposable diapers, except when Pampers switched to the mesh liner, it really irritated her skin. We ended up just switched brands though a problem solved.

I do have to say. I do NOT miss the diaper days. 

[VeryNikeSeamstress]

1 hour ago, Ais said:

Not a judgement on anyone, except me maybe lol - I hate the word "panties", it gives me the creeps for reasons I'll never understand, like nails on a blackboard.

Have you watched 'The Mortified Guide' on Netflix? In one woman's memoir of an early sexual experience she remembers the guy saying "Mmmm panties." Creepy!

[StraightOuttaArkansas]

@Melissa1977 We have been to doctors in two countries now, sadly. So far they seem to think it is just that and nothing can be done other than take Macrogol (a laxative) for the rest of his life. Though this last one did put in a referral to  see a specialist, but we are in the UK and that could take forever to get into, same with the therapist, but we will get him on the list.  Yoga is an excellent idea for the meantime, I hadn't thought about that. I would love to do that together with him. As far probiotics, we eat a lot of yogurt, but he is lactose intolerant so that limits which ones he can have and I don't know about finding supplements here? I will have to look that up. Thank you for the suggestions!

@Kailash Yes!! I wondered already if it were impacting other bits of his life. It is so hard to know with teenagers and he has always been such a quiet one anyway. He is very introverted naturally and I hate to think this has caused him to miss out on anything. As far as the undies, we did have the arrangement (and it worked for a while) that he rinses them in out and lets me know and I take care of the washing/drying. I don't know what happened all of a sudden that changed into the hiding thing. We try not to discuss beyond if we smell him asking him to please go and check if he needs a change (hence the nearly 40 pairs or so of panties he owns). We do stress to him that it is a medical problem and he needs to be open with us so we can keep a log of what is going on (the doctor suggested this in preparation for seeing a specialist). We don't treat it any different than how we remind him to take a lactose pill if he is having ice cream or chocolate/letting him know dinner has has cheese hidden in it, that kind of thing. I probably do need therapy too, mom guilt is just the worst, but we are likely moving again soon (bummer), but will be in one place for a while this time so perhaps I can start there, important is to get DS into talk to someone first. Thank you for suggestions!

@Mama Mia No I don't think it is, I was a single mom for the first 9 years of his life and I just  called his what called mine being just the two us. I never really thought about it. My mom did it too. I actually have no idea what word he uses. I find the autonomy thought very interesting. I think I will give that try, he could really use a bit more responsibility. I am a SAHM right now so I feel totally guilty whenever I farm out any chore except the trash, but the reasoning behind that is good. He could do the socks and unders (<--sometime I use that word too now) and his uniforms since those are simple to sort and need to be done every week. Thanks!!                                                                                                                                                    

[StraightOuttaArkansas]

@SapphireSlytherin Oh cool that you are from AR, I feel like outside of that place you never meet anyone from there! And no, see the explanation above about word choice.
 

@Thorns I am curious as to what "aggressive treatment" would be? None of the doctors seem to be interested in anything other than having him take a laxative continuously for the rest of his life. I don't think that is a good answer unless nothing else can be done. I also have no knowledge that he has been tested for anything (despite asking). He has had a blood draw done by his previous doctor and nothing was found, but I don't understand enough about what the possibilities are to even know what they were looking for with a blood test and honestly that doctor, while lovely as general children doctor (this was in Germany so a a bit different structure) was not the best at bigger problems and flat out refused to refer him anywhere making it difficult with the insurance. We were moving soon anyway at that point so we just did what was asked of us and got him as soon as we could here. We are still waiting (3 months now) to be contacted with a time and date for the specialist appointment, but we did get confirmation that we are on the list (which seems important on the NHS? I still don't quite understand how all that works).

 

2 hours ago, Ais said:

*snip*

You said that you feel like you approached things the wrong way with him as a child. Have you discussed this with him? I made mistakes with my own sons regarding discipline when they were younger, holding them to impossible standards. Since I realised that I have talked to them about it, explained why I did it and that I know I was wrong, and I apologised. It won't change the fact that it happened but i felt it was important that they knew. I wish there was more I could say to help, just know that you aren't alone and neither is he. I would definitely look at further therapy for him, both in terms of counselling and a physical check up. In the meantime the only thing I can suggest is to show him how to use the washing machine. He may feel less self conscious about the soiled underwear if he can launder it himself and no one else sees it x

I have talked to him several times and apologized. Especially regarding this matter and how I handled it at the beginning. We have often discussed how my upbringing influenced my early years of parenting and how I have actively tried to parent better and differently. I ask him at least once a year if he has any problems or find things unfair about how I parent and that while I am the one in charge and my decision is final, as he gets older I would like his input about when he feels things should be done differently. That worked nicely when we were going through the "screen time battle" and a fair compromise was found taking his feelings into considerations and what general guidelines were for his age and restrictions on websites, time limits, ect. That one was simpler because he would talk about it. This issue though he really does take the secrecy to the next level. We stopped checking his unders every night and just asking how the day went regarding that then backed off to once a week and it was always the same answer (it's fine, I didn't need to change) which know now was a lie. We are definitely going to draw up a washing schedule plan with him. It may be that he needs a concrete way to take ownership of the issue.

 

2 hours ago, VeryNikeSeamstress said:

Have you watched 'The Mortified Guide' on Netflix? In one woman's memoir of an early sexual experience she remembers the guy saying "Mmmm panties." Creepy!

Yeah this word is now ruined for me. I suppose that is for the best since I have two boys Is "unders" good? Any creepy thing that go with that one?

[DillyDally]

2 hours ago, CarrotCake said:

I always get confused by words for underwear in English. The difference between the UK and the USA and the fact that we call pantyhoses 'panties' in Dutch.

We just call it 'underpants', both for men and women.

Among other terms, we use the word "Slip" for underwear in German (for men and women). So you'll understand why I was very confused the first time I read about those modesty slips some fundie maidens wear underneath their skirts. 

[Ais]

@StraightOuttaArkansas it sounds like you're doing everything you possibly can at the minute. One thing I learned recently with a loved one on an NHS referral is that even if the GP sends it off as an urgent referral it is triaged again at the hospital and maybe be downgraded to routine. We were told to go back to the GP with each repeat flare up rather than self managing at home and ask them to contact the hospital with the new info to make sure the hospital's history was as accurate as possible. We were also advised to contact the consultants secretary and make them aware that we were available at short notice if there was a cancellation. So many appointments are lost due to cancellation that they're usually glad to get somebody in.

Teenage boys are another species! I am the oldest of 5 girls raised by a single mum and I was a single mum myself for 7 years from when they were 3 & 4, I was genuinely unprepared for the differences between boys and girls! I definitely carried a lot of my own childhoods baggage into how I parented them when they were younger, sadly. In the years since I've had counselling and talked about it a lot with them and others, most importantly my own mother before she died. I now have a son aged 7 and I find my parenting style has changed a lot, a case of when you know better you do better I suppose although I have miles to go yet. 

Mom guilt is a killer, when I was a working mum I felt guilty about being away from them and as a stay at home mum I feel guilty if I ask them to do the tiniest of chores. We're working on that this summer as I'm going back to school in September. Oh, we call them boxers in my house, although that's probably just as unusual as panties or anything else, isn't language amazing?

TLDR; I have no doubt that you are doing an amazing job for your son xx

[JesSky03]

16 hours ago, justoneoftwo said:

are cloth diapers better for explosions?  My mom seemed to think the disposables had been majorly improved since I was a baby.  We didn't have many issues either, just when sizes needed to be changed.

We do cloth and they almost always contain the poopsplosions! My son is EBF and he only goes 1-2 times a week so its alottt at once. The cloth absorbs more of the liquid poo so it doesn't pool like it does in a sposie. It also contains the smell better. My husband said he thought he heard the baby poop so I grabbed him for a sniff test but I couldn't tell so I did a peak test and oh boy, it was a big one.

I feel a little special for having figured out the onesie trick on my own now lol. I only discovered it though because of my son's big head. I was trying to put a tshirt over his head and it got stuck like halfway around his face. He's screaming and wiggling and I'm flustered and apologizing over and over. After that I decided he would only wear things I could slip up over his waist and that's when it clicked that the shoulders on onsies were made for just that. 

[SapphireSlytherin]

@StraightOuttaArkansas - yeah, Arkansas for sure! The flatland side, though.

 

As for what to call them, my great-grandmother called kids' underwear "step-ins" - lol

[CarrotCake]

46 minutes ago, DillyDally said:

Among other terms, we use the word "Slip" for underwear in German (for men and women). So you'll understand why I was very confused the first time I read about those modesty slips some fundie maidens wear underneath their skirts. 

Oh we use that word as well but it is a bit oldfashioned.

If I think of that word I only think of old people underwear 

[Karma]

Lol, this 51year old used to wear slips every day under skirts which might possibly be see through with light behind them.  No Lady Diana pictures for me! They were also good to increase the number of wears before washing or dry cleaning.  These days I’m pants only (fat thighs), so no slips in my underwear drawer.

[scoutsadie]

I think that, here in the US, the term "panties" is used most often for women's lower underwear (bottoms, not tops), and the word has a feminine connotation. Men's underwear tends to be more commonly called "underwear," "drawers" or depending on the style, "boxers," "briefs," or "boxer briefs."

YMMV, of course - as I said, I think those are just some of the more widely used terms nationwide.

12 minutes ago, Karma said:

Lol, this 51year old used to wear slips every day under skirts which might possibly be see through with light behind them.  No Lady Diana pictures for me! 

Yep, that is what I think many Americans of our generation (I'm Gen X, too) and older would call a "slip" - and likewise, it's been probably 20 years since I've worn one (my skirts/dresses are generally heavy-enough fabric so as not to require a slip).

[just_ordinary]

3 hours ago, StraightOuttaArkansas said:

As far as the undies, we did have the arrangement (and it worked for a while) that he rinses them in out and lets me know and I take care of the washing/drying. I don't know what happened all of a sudden that changed into the hiding thing. We try not to discuss beyond if we smell him asking him to please go and check if he needs a change (hence the nearly 40 pairs or so of panties he owns). We do stress to him that it is a medical problem and he needs to be open with us so we can keep a log of what is going on (the doctor suggested this in preparation for seeing a specialist). We don't treat it any different than how we remind him to take a lactose pill if he is having ice cream or chocolate/letting him know dinner has has cheese hidden in it, that kind of thing. I probably do need therapy too, mom guilt is just the worst, but we are likely moving again soon (bummer), but will be in one place for a while this time so perhaps I can start there, important is to get DS into talk to someone first. Thank you for suggestions!                                                                                                                        

Well, you said he is 14 didn’t you? I would be mortified to tell my parents about that and have them seeing it no matter if it is a medical condition or not. And he is going to be a young adult soon so I would guess that only makes it worse. Imagine being an adult and still discussing stuff like this with your mum and have her wash your underwear. I think the poster who suggested letting him wash his own clothes (all- as it wouldn’t single out the underwear) is right. You could still tell him that he should talk to you (or his doctor) when he feels that it gets worse.

[SapphireSlytherin]

I wore slips all the time, back in the day. I'm 51, too. lol

Now, no slips.

[Greendoor]

3 hours ago, StraightOuttaArkansas said:

snipped as long original:

 I ask him at least once a year if he has any problems or find things unfair about how I parent and that while I am the one in charge and my decision is final, as he gets older I would like his input about when he feels things should be done differently. That worked nicely when we were going through the "screen time battle" and a fair compromise was found taking his feelings into considerations and what general guidelines were for his age and restrictions on websites, time limits, ect. 

I was a single parent too, one son, from birth to now when he is 21.  When he was 13 I put him in charge of his life.  I was there to consult and give advice, but I did not make decisions around him.  He chose his clothes, courses, bedtime, hobbies, screen time and everything in between.  I think if you try to control kids they unconsciencously resist.  If you give him his life to control, likely he won't stray too far to fast, I think you might find that worth while.  At 13 my son cooked once a week and did his own laundry.  This is not a child you have, it's a young man.  Try seeing him that way; it may be nice for both of you.

Good luck to you, and your family what ever you choose.