Lori Alexander 48: The Complaining of the Shrew

[Lgirlrocks]

Sorry Lori but asking my BF to help out when he’s home or reminding him to do something isn’t mothering. He can be forgetful sometimes like most humans. He’s also not good at knowing where I need help around the house unless I tell him or he can plainly see it. He’s a grown up and it’s his house too so he should help. 

[Briefly]

10 hours ago, polecat said:

This fills me with absolute horror. I'm obsessive about my kids' teeth. When I was 9, I had a dental trauma that left me with avulsed and luxated teeth. It was a serious dental emergency -- as in, must have treatment within an hour or the teeth will all be lost. My parents, bless 'em, took me straight to the ER, not realizing I needed to be at the dentist, but they did all they could to help me. 

They did NOT leave me to suffer or "pry" or "poke" at my dislocated teeth, nor did they try to shove the avulsed one back in. They sought care. 

And PSA:

If your child knocks out a tooth, do NOT scrub it or pick it up by the root. Only touch the crown and gently rinse away any dirt or debris. If you can, GENTLY insert the tooth back into its socket. If it won't go, do NOT force it. Place it in either milk or saliva (not tap water!), and go to the dentist immediately. Don't stop. Don't pass go. Just get to the dentist. 

I looked up what avulsed and luxated means because I had not heard the phrases before.  That sound terrible, I'm glad that your parents got you treatment, unlike the parents who just let their daughter get her own tooth out.

We have only had dental insurance once and it did not cover that much, but at the time we didn't need a lot of work.  My teeth have been decalcifying pretty much from the time I first got teeth, my mother's were the same way and she got dentures in her 30's.  My brother and sister have the same issues, I got dentures in my 40's although I have a full upper and a lower partial. My teeth that remain are still decalcifying and I probably am going to wind up getting them out and getting a full denture on the bottom, but because the issue is the loss of calcium it can also mean bone loss so the dentist wanted me to put that off as long as I could.  She's retired now and I have not been back in a while, but I need to figure out the finances to afford it soon.  I might look into dental schools in the area and see if they are taking patients.

[Frog99]

Dental schools can be a good resource- it sometimes takes longer and requires extra steps because of the teaching involved. 

There is also the mission of mercy- they only go to a few states but there might be similar programs out there that do other areas. I don’t think you have to be a resident of the state where they run the clinic. They have come to our area and they turned the civic center into a massive dental office. The biggest room is divided off and dentists from all around volunteer their services- from routine cleanings to extractions to some orthodontia. Nurses not on shift at local hospitals and other care facilities also volunteer.  Patients come in the day before for assessment and screening but they also do walk-ins the day of- I’ve heard that people line up almost overnight. I’ve also heard that it’s an amazing experience to volunteer. 

I think it’s outrageous that dental care is minimally covered. It has an impact on physical health, it has an impact on one's ability to eat, and it has an emotional impact- it can be hard to hide when eating, smiling, talking and laughing. 

Link to mission of mercy: https://www.amissionofmercy.org/maryland-pennsylvania/dental/ 

[AlwaysDiscerning]

TTW 2.0 is back!!!!!!!!!

Here is what happened

 

"Basically she thinks she is a celebrity that I'm impersonating. All I had to do is point out the other transformed wife page was on  Facebook before hers was and she basically informed the woman she was stealing her name. I think Facebook is now investigating Lori's page. Lol. Love it."

https://www.facebook.com/Transformedwife/

[Koala]

A celebrity.... 

Thank you...I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time.  

A celebrity, though...  I can just picture her going to the whole foods in dark sunglasses and a big ol' hat.  "No pictures today, please.  Too many have been leaked online, already..."

To the cashier- "Hi, I'm Lori Alexander, from The Transformed Wife...but you already knew that.  I went VIRAL you know."

As for Lori stealing the other Transformed Wife's name- totally not surprised.  Her book is basically a poorly written CTBHH 2.0.  And the name?  The Power of a Transformed Wife.  Yeah, no.  The Power of a Praying Wife was published in 1997, nearly 20 years before The Power of a Transformed Wife was even a twinkle in Lori's eye.

 

[Koala]

Today's post is a list of reasons to stay with your abuser.  Because angels.

Quote

my grandma: she is a saint, who married a monster. Nobody caused this sweet lady more unnecessary pain than my grandfather. Grandpa was an alcoholic, an abuser, a philanderer

Saint= staying with an abuser, who causes you a lot of "unnecessary pain"

Quote

she married him because he said if she didn’t, he would kill himself

Off to a great start...  Marry the guy who's threatening suicide if you refuse.  Makes perfect sense.

Quote

The terror that my grandfather caused, not just my grandma, but also my dad, uncle, and aunts, was something out of a horror movie

So now we have Saint Grandma (who has willingly married and reproduced with a mad man), allowing her children to be terrorized- like something "out of a horror movie".  

Why?

Quote

she had a dream that Grandpa died and went to hell. After that, she completely removed the word “divorce” from her mind. She said she knew that God wanted her to stay, and that He had a greater purpose for her pain.

A salvation complex.  She bought the lie that another's salvation depended on her- a lie that Lori pushes frequently.  

She allowed her children to be terrorized, because she thought God had a purpose for HER and HER pain.  But what about THEIR pain?  What about the terror THEY were put through?  Yeah, nothing about that.

What do you think it did to them, to see this play out in their homes:

Quote

Grandpa said, “I’ll kill you before you go to church!” He went in the other room, got a gun, came back and pointed it at her. She told me that she prayed to God, “I’m ready if you want me to come home. I don’t want to go, but I’m ready.” Grandpa lowered the gun, and said, “I’m not gonna kill you today, but I’m gonna kill you tomorrow.” 

Then, she sees an angel-

Quote

The story I’ve heard a hundred times is, “I looked up–it was the brightest thing I’ve ever seen! It was transparent and it covered the entire wall! It was beautiful!” Frightened, Grandma gasped out loud, “No Lord, not now!” thinking, in her own words, “The angel had come to take me home”—and just like that—it disappeared.

Now, when people claim to hear from God, Lori tells them flat out that it's not true.  But an angel in the kitchen?  Sure!  Why not?  

(How this has to do with the abusive husband, I have no clue...)

Quote

 I want to see angels too, don’t you?

And there it is- If you want to be a saint/save your husband from hell/see angels, you must endure "horror movie" levels of abuse.   And that is Lori's message.  

"Sure, go ahead and leave your abuser.  But know that when you do, they are going to hell, and it's all your fault!"

[EowynW]

I stumbled over this today and thought it might be useful to anyone here who eats healthy on a budget. This is the kind of stuff Lori should be sharing too. 

http://whole9life.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/whole9-seasonal-produce-2012.pdf

[Alisamer]

6 minutes ago, Koala said:

Off to a great start...  Marry the guy who's threatening suicide if you refuse.  Makes perfect sense.

I've got to say, I am sympathetic when people are genuinely suicidal. But I once had a guy threaten suicide in a similar manner as she's describing, and I called his bluff. I called him a coward and told him to go ahead, if he wanted to kill himself over something that stupid, but go somewhere else to do it because I wanted my security deposit back. I'd still be here and I still wasn't doing what he wanted. It was manipulation, pure and simple, and he had no right to do that to me. He and I are still friends today, many years later.

If somebody threatened suicide if I refused to marry him, I'd tell him to go ahead. 

I know if someone is genuinely suicidal, those things are the wrong thing to say. But when someone is threatening suicide as a way to force someone else to do something? That's not suicide, that's emotional abuse and manipulation, and I'll have no part of that. 

Lori is slipping farther and farther off her rocker every day.

[Koala]

I have nothing but sympathy for abuse victims, but when you allow your children to be abused because you have a savior complex, then that sympathy tapers off right quickly.  The idea that those kids were harmed so that their mom could "save" their dad from hell, is just crazy.  

It's weird...they never say how it ended, but I can promise you that those kids carry the pain to this day.  It doesn't go away...it eats at you.  And for what?  I just can't...nope.  

Moms protect their kids.  I'd have happily let him roast in hell, before my kids spent a single day living in that kind of home.

[delphinium65]

36 minutes ago, Koala said:

Saint= staying with an abuser.... 

She allowed her children to be terrorized...

If you want to be a saint/save your husband from hell/see angels, you must endure "horror movie" levels of abuse.  

Sounds like a 'Christian' book I read years ago, Light From Heaven, don't recall the author (maybe someone else here will?).  It tells the story of a family with an abusive father, a 'saint' mother (I think her name was Annie?) who tolerated his abuse, and allowed him to abuse the children because Bible.  If I recall correctly, at least once the mother's brother suspected something was wrong, but the mother refused to ever do or say anything that would soil her husband's precious reputation.     

[Koala]

Lori says:

Quote

Many wives fail to take an eternal view of their husband’s soul when married to a difficult man or even a man who isn’t so difficult. 

Yeah, that's not a wife's job.  Show me where in the Bible it says that a woman enduring abuse will save her husband from hell?   Her husband's soul is not her responsibility.

Then there's this reader:

Quote

I grew up in an abusive family and married an abusive man. I stay because I have no other place to go. I can’t afford to support myself and my child on my own

Yet,  she's not seeing angels...she's suffering.  And her child is suffering.  And Lori?  She doesn't give a damn.  Why should she?  SHE is the one who hits in her family.  

Another reader says:

Quote

It would be interesting to know if the children are okay or did their lives as adults bare horrible scars from this abuse.

Lori:

Quote

Matt wrote this in the article, "And now, that’s been passed on to later generations. She didn’t run from the devil, she fought him head on, and she has a legacy for it."

Yep.  The kids lived through "horror story" levels of abuse, but they're totally fine with it.  No big deal at all.

[Hisey]

I tried not to read the whole post (too triggering), but basically, I think a sociopath like that is going to hell whether or not his wife stays around to be his punching bag.

It's not like evil men get a free pass into heaven if they have a wife that sticks around. Hell, if that were the case, most evil men in the past who were married would've made it into heaven, because their wives lacked the resources or social support to leave.

Wow, check out the comment from the battered woman who writes in to the comments. Lori expresses no empathy for her, and gives her a wishy-washy cover-my-ass answer.

The woman says she's being abused, Lori! She could be dead tomorrow. Chances are good he's abusing those kids, too. Even if he isn't, it's horribly traumatic for children to witness abuse (speaking from experience here).

How about asking her to write to you privately? How about rousing your readers to start a Go Fund Me? THIS is a reason to go viral, hon. 

Instead of just expressing bland sympathies, do something! A person is asking for help. Jeez, she expresses more sympathy ("It's tragic" "So sad") for the subhuman basement-dwelling misogynists who can't find a woman submissive enough to marry.

[Sarah92]

The thing people never tell these women is.... You can lose your children if you stay. I'm a mandated reporter. If I think child abuse is going on then I have to report it. It doesn't matter to me if the mother is a "Saint" suffering through abuse to make her husband more "godly". That excuse isn't going to work with DCFS. Now I have the utmost compassion for women being abused and the emotional and psychological damage that comes with that but children need to be protected. Abusers tend to escalate not stop. 

Also what made her feel obligated to marry a man who threatened suicide? He wasn't her husband. And this is why I dislike a lot of comps is because it teaches women they can't say no and that they're aren't responsible for a man's emotions. 

[polecat]

13 hours ago, AlwaysDiscerning said:

TTW 2.0 is back!!!!!!!!!

Here is what happened

 

"Basically she thinks she is a celebrity that I'm impersonating. All I had to do is point out the other transformed wife page was on  Facebook before hers was and she basically informed the woman she was stealing her name. I think Facebook is now investigating Lori's page. Lol. Love it."

https://www.facebook.com/Transformedwife/

She seriously accused the First Transformed Wife of being an imposter who was stealing her name? 

Gawd, Lori.

 

1 hour ago, Koala said:

Today's post is a list of reasons to stay with your abuser.  Because angels.

Saint= staying with an abuser, who causes you a lot of "unnecessary pain"

Off to a great start...  Marry the guy who's threatening suicide if you refuse.  Makes perfect sense.

So now we have Saint Grandma (who has willingly married and reproduced with a mad man), allowing her children to be terrorized- like something "out of a horror movie".  

Why?

A salvation complex.  She bought the lie that another's salvation depended on her- a lie that Lori pushes frequently.  

She allowed her children to be terrorized, because she thought God had a purpose for HER and HER pain.  But what about THEIR pain?  What about the terror THEY were put through?  Yeah, nothing about that.

What do you think it did to them, to see this play out in their homes:

Then, she sees an angel-

Now, when people claim to hear from God, Lori tells them flat out that it's not true.  But an angel in the kitchen?  Sure!  Why not?  

(How this has to do with the abusive husband, I have no clue...)

And there it is- If you want to be a saint/save your husband from hell/see angels, you must endure "horror movie" levels of abuse.   And that is Lori's message.  

"Sure, go ahead and leave your abuser.  But know that when you do, they are going to hell, and it's all your fault!"

This is utterly infuriating. All of it. She needs to be muzzled.

[dairyfreelife]

I believe one of the signs of an abuser is threatening suicide if you don't do what they want. Seriously, if someone does this, GET OUT! Don't marry the person who does this, leave. 

She is seriously going to get someone killed with her advice. He was pointing a gun at her, threatening to kill her, and you are saying she should stay because she's responsible for his salvation despite zero Biblical evidence to back up this claim. For the trillionth time, the verse you continually quote never states that a wife is responsible for a husband's salvation. It it saying that by her actions she can win an unbelieving husband to become Christian. Because actions speak louder than words. Nowhere does it say women should stay with abusive men or they are responsible for his salvation. No one should EVER stay with an abusive spouse/partner for any reason. End of. 

On a better note, I made homemade cup noodles the other day and froze some because it's going to be really hot the next couple days (around 100F/38C) and I'm not cooking jack. Not sure looks better than Lori's, but tastes great. 

Spoiler

 

[Koala]

2 hours ago, Sarah92 said:

I'm a mandated reporter. If I think child abuse is going on then I have to report it. It doesn't matter to me if the mother is a "Saint" suffering through abuse to make her husband more "godly". That excuse isn't going to work with DCFS.

Amen to that.  If you think letting your husband terrorize your kids= godly, then you don't deserve to keep them.  

My mother was married 4 times.  Husband #3 was very quick to hit/threaten/insult.  Husband #4 liked to remind me that I was on my way out the door, and that he thought I was a complete bitch (<---yeah, that one was a Methodist minister).  

It taught me to loathe myself.  I literally thought I was worthless, and it caused a lot of problems for me as a young teen.  I figured that if my mom didn't do anything to stop what was happening to me, then obviously I wasn't deserving of her protection.

My mom never made the connection- she seemed to think there was just something wrong with me, and her divorces were my fault.  Never once occurred to her that she (and the series of losers she dated/married) had totally fucked me up.  I was in my thirties before I was willing to admit that I'd been abused.  They had so effectively gas-lighted me, that I honestly thought I made her do the things she did.  Pure craziness, and I am still embarrassed to admit that I was so stupid.   

[polecat]

49 minutes ago, Koala said:

Amen to that.  If you think letting your husband terrorize your kids= godly, then you don't deserve to keep them.  

My mother was married 4 times.  Husband #3 was very quick to hit/threaten/insult.  Husband #4 liked to remind me that I was on my way out the door, and that he thought I was a complete bitch (<---yeah, that one was a Methodist minister).  

It taught me to loathe myself.  I literally thought I was worthless, and it caused a lot of problems for me as a young teen.  I figured that if my mom didn't do anything to stop what was happening to me, then obviously I wasn't deserving of her protection.

My mom never made the connection- she seemed to think there was just something wrong with me, and her divorces were my fault.  Never once occurred to her that she (and the series of losers she dated/married) had totally fucked me up.  I was in my thirties before I was willing to admit that I'd been abused.  They had so effectively gas-lighted me, that I honestly thought I made her do the things she did.  Pure craziness, and I am still embarrassed to admit that I was so stupid.   

You were never stupid. Gaslighting is an almost-critical part of the abuse, and it's natural for you to trust your mother and the other adults who were so closely connected in your life. You weren't stupid; you were innocent.

[Imrlgoddess]

16 minutes ago, Koala said:

Pure craziness, and I am still embarrassed to admit that I was so stupid.

  You weren't stupid, they were just very very good at being awful.  Every time I see a time when a mama chose a mate over her children to the point of harm, I think of the book Bastard, Out of Carolina.  Some people are simply weak willed enough to lie to themselves & perpetuate awful situations.  

One thing I've never understood is how suffering at some unnecessary & deliberate level equates righteousness or piety?  Buddha says suffering is inevitable, we simply must choose our level.  He never said suffering excessively & needlessly was the prescription.  Some portion of life is going to suck no matter what we do...why make it worse than it needs to be?  

It's real easy for someone like Lori to talk about suffering, all her issues have literally been first world problems.  She has no idea what it means to go without or be oppressed in such a way that you lose yourself.  

[Frog99]

Lori gave the poster who acknowledged she’s in an abusive marriage the link to her post about angry men. Angry and abusive are not the same thing. Her privileged self is clueless. 

I also found the FB page for the guy who wrote the post-  he starts his posts off with “Christian...” or “Unbeliever...” Annoying. 

I reported the blog post for violence. I don’t know if it will result in anything but I felt like I needed to do something. 

[Momto2Princesses]

1 hour ago, Frog99 said:

I reported the blog post for violence. I don’t know if it will result in anything but I felt like I needed to do something. 

I reported it as well. Hopefully enough people will and FB may do something about it. Lori is a dangerous individual.

[Hisey]

39 minutes ago, Momto2Princesses said:

I reported it as well. Hopefully enough people will and FB may do something about it. Lori is a dangerous individual.

I think we should all report it. I usually try to keep a low profile, but I will make an exception. Someone could die if they followed the advice in that post. God forbid, an abused wife might decide to stay and wait around for an angel to appear.

[Hane]

Tonight’s dinner:  a meatball grinder from the new Italian restaurant two doors down from my house, because I’m freaking exhausted. Maybe some bagged salad. 

[PhoenixRising]

3 hours ago, dairyfreelife said:

I believe one of the signs of an abuser is threatening suicide if you don't do what they want. Seriously, if someone does this, GET OUT! Don't marry the person who does this, leave. 

It absolutely is emotional abuse and coercion via blackmail.  My father did this to my mother repeatedly throughout their 23 year marriage, and threatened my siblings and I the same way throughout most of my childhood. My mother had been conditioned to normalize abuse during her childhood, and was therefore vulnerable to his superficial charm and abusive ways. They got married, because she became pregnant.  His abuse wasn't always overt (according to my mother). By the time that I was a preschooler, they realized that he had an undiagnosed mental illness. She said that she had vowed before God, to stay with him in sickness and in health, and that his mental illness was the in sickness part. Every time she separated from him and considered leaving, he threatened to commit suicide or to ensure that no one else would ever have my mother and my siblings and I. He threatened to commit suicide on the day that my mother, brother, and I left him for good when I was 19 years old.  Although we were all afraid that he would go through with it that time-- he didn't. 

Leaving him was only possible with a ton of secrecy, a couple of undisclosed locations, and a ton of help from my coworkers. He called all of my friends. their families, and my acquaintances to tell them what an evil person I was, and to demand that they put him in touch with me.  He continued to stalk and harrass my mother, siblings and I for years. He showed up at my workplace repeatedly to tell me that parents' separation and (eventual) divorce were my fault, and that if I gave my mother permission to go back to him-- she would. He still believes that to this day (according to various family members), even knowing that my mother has remarried. 

My high school boyfriend did the same thing throughout our relationship, as well as after I broke up with him. I had tried to break up with him multiple times during high school, only for him to try to gaslight me and threaten to commit suicide.  I stayed because I cared about him and believed that I was in the wrong.  We had been dating for almost three years, when he said that if I did not agree to marry him he would have no reason to live and would commit suicide.  I eventually broke up with him, and said that I couldn't stay in a relationship with him any more. He didn't commit suicide, but  I hated myself for saying what I said when I broke up with him. I wasn't capable of giving him the kind of help that he truly needed. The situation wasn't fair to either one of us.  

Staying did not help the abuser in either situation.  It did, however, cause lasting complex-trauma.

For anyone who is in this situation--  A person in the U.S. can call the police and request a 24-72 hour emergency psychiatric evaluation, for a person who is is a danger to themselves and others as proven by clear and convincing evidence. It isn't a guarantee that the person will be taken in for a psychiatric evaluation, but when someone is threatening to commit suicide it is best to make the call.  If they already have a psychiatrist, a therapist, or another qualified doctor that can be reached immediately, then calling that person may be more appropriate. Expertise is necessary, and therefore making the call to get these professionals involved is the most loving/caring thing that you can do. Keeping yourself and your children (if you have any) safe is your first priority.  

[PhoenixRising]

4 hours ago, Koala said:

Amen to that.  If you think letting your husband terrorize your kids= godly, then you don't deserve to keep them.  

My mother was married 4 times.  Husband #3 was very quick to hit/threaten/insult.  Husband #4 liked to remind me that I was on my way out the door, and that he thought I was a complete bitch (<---yeah, that one was a Methodist minister).  

It taught me to loathe myself.  I literally thought I was worthless, and it caused a lot of problems for me as a young teen.  I figured that if my mom didn't do anything to stop what was happening to me, then obviously I wasn't deserving of her protection.

My mom never made the connection- she seemed to think there was just something wrong with me, and her divorces were my fault.  Never once occurred to her that she (and the series of losers she dated/married) had totally fucked me up.  I was in my thirties before I was willing to admit that I'd been abused.  They had so effectively gas-lighted me, that I honestly thought I made her do the things she did.  Pure craziness, and I am still embarrassed to admit that I was so stupid.   

You weren't stupid and you didn't deserve such abuse. I understand feeling embarrassed, because people have a tendency to convey that we should be ashamed of our histories of being abused. People in my life regularly ask me why I didn't leave sooner, why I let my brother be victimized, if I've spoken to my parents recently, while also saying that that I should try to understand how much I've hurt my parents by not having contact with them. I have people in my life who are Christians, who have let me know that I am going to H*** for dishonoring my parents. I have relatives who make it known that they think that I am making it all up or exaggerating.

We can reject the shame that they try to push on us.  We know what we experienced and are still coping with. We know what they did was wrong. We are worthy of having a life that we are proud of. We can trust ourselves. We are worthy of love. Our parents weren't capable of being the parents that we needed and deserved. It was not our fault. 

 

[Briefly]

33 minutes ago, PhoenixRising said:

You weren't stupid and you didn't deserve such abuse. I understand feeling embarrassed, because people have a tendency to convey that we should be ashamed of our histories of being abused. People in my life regularly ask me why I didn't leave sooner, why I let my brother be victimized, if I've spoken to my parents recently, while also saying that that I should try to understand how much I've hurt my parents by not having contact with them. I have people in my life who are Christians, who have let me know that I am going to H*** for dishonoring my parents. I have relatives who make it known that they think that I am making it all up or exaggerating.

We can reject the shame that they try to push on us.  We know what we experienced and are still coping with. We know what they did was wrong. We are worthy of having a life that we are proud of. We can trust ourselves. We are worthy of love. Our parents weren't capable of being the parents that we needed and deserved. It was not our fault. 

 

I am so sorry you had to go through that and that you have been treated that way by others.  It wasn't right. You did what you were able to do at the time, it's very easy for people to say "why didn't you leave?" when they have not been in that situation. I have not been, but I have a very good friend who was verbally abused by her husband for years and she believed that she had to honor her marriage vows and stay. Until she finally got fed up and left.  She did get back together with him because her adult daughter made her feel so guilty for leaving and making Dad feel so sad, my friend was simply not able to cope with her daughter making her feel guilty.  She went back to her husband and he was a lot better, but then their daughter was diagnosed with cancer and eventually died at age 26. Her 3 children were in my friend's care because the daughter's husband basically left after the daughter/his wife died.  I suspected at the time that my friend's husband was starting to verbally abuse her again, although I never was certain.  Then he died and she admitted to me that he had also been physically abusive before they separated.  She finally realized that it was never her fault, but she had to come to that conclusion on her own to be able to leave and then to heal.  She was not responsible for her husband's actions and you were not responsible for your parent's actions - if they are dishonored, it's their fault and not yours.  Please ignore those relatives that try to convince you that you made it up!