Jinjer: Throwing Shade since April 9, 2017

[SapphireSlytherin]

1 minute ago, ThunderRolls said:

I'm used to seeing that done with the ceremony being small and then having a dinner/reception later on that is open to more people. 

My friend's son and his wife did this. They had an afternoon wedding with cake/punch at the church hall for everyone who attended the wedding. Later that day, they had a reception for a select few that included dinner and dancing.

[JDuggs]

5 minutes ago, SapphireSlytherin said:

My friend's son and his wife did this. They had an afternoon wedding with cake/punch at the church hall for everyone who attended the wedding. Later that day, they had a reception for a select few that included dinner and dancing.

This still sounds like a gift grab. Just limit your guests to what you can afford. The hosts need to be upfront with their guests that they're having a two-tiered reception, so the guests who are invited to the cake and punch only have the option to decline if they choose. Which I would definitely choose!

[Snarkylark]

Yeah, I can't remember if our invitations said cake reception at ?:00 or how we worded it but it was obvious that there was no dinner for those that were invited later. Hate to do it but some people want to come to the wedding and not inviting them at least to the ceremony would have offended them. They have the option to not show to the ceremony or the cake reception or even come and don't bring a gift. No one would know. lol It's nice to see all the different ways that people do things. My daughter will be getting married in a year or two. 

[ThunderRolls]

6 minutes ago, JDuggs said:

This still sounds like a gift grab. Just limit your guests to what you can afford. The hosts need to be upfront with their guests that they're having a two-tiered reception, so the guests who are invited to the cake and punch only have the option to decline if they choose. Which I would definitely choose!

This is pretty much what people should do. Like my earlier post, I would have preferred not to have been invited at all than to get to the reception to realize I was only good for a gift. IMO, that's more insulting than not making the invite list at all. It's understandable that people are on a budget and you can only invite so many - I think most people can relate to that. 

[SapphireSlytherin]

14 minutes ago, JDuggs said:

The hosts need to be upfront with their guests that they're having a two-tiered reception, so the guests who are invited to the cake and punch only have the option to decline if they choose. Which I would definitely choose!

Yeah, what I didn't say in my post is that the couple did NOT tell anyone about the two-tiered reception, so there were a LOT of hurt feelings.

[luxfilia]

I am glad I don't get my feelings hurt about weddings. I don't care whether I'm invited to just part of it, or NONE of it.  It helps that I used to assist a wedding photographer, and got pretty tired of all the hoopla before lots of my friends were getting married.

I had a not-so-close friend (we would occasionally meet up maybe once every few months if there was something we both wanted to do, but never shared any big life moments or exchanged gifts). Before I was even engaged, we had a long talk about how we hated being expected to attend our friends' weddings. She told me explicitly that she would never mind if she wasn't invited to my wedding. I told her explicitly that I would hold her to that.

Later on I got engaged and decided to have a small wedding. I have 11 first cousins just on my side, three siblings with spouses and kids, and so on. We limited our guest list to 75 people and had a brunch wedding. I even left out some of my own family members. The aforementioned distant friend, who I hadn't spent quality time with in at least a year, found out she wasn't invited and threw a huge fit. She told her whole family, describing it as if I'd slapped her in the face. I tried to talk to her about it gently and even ended up sending her an invitation, but she has never spoken to me again. PHEW. Weddings just bring out the worst in some people.

[JDuggs]

As long as we're on the topic of weddings, I just received a save the date for the wedding of a very good friend's daughter. I know all about the daughter from her mother, but I haven't seen the bride in over ten years. She is having a formal wedding in the poshest hotel of our large city. If I was going by the "cover your plate" rule, I'm guessing it would be about $200/person for me and my spouse. I also would need to purchase a formal dress since I don't have one and my husband would probably need to replace his 20 year old suit. So now the cash outlay to attend this wedding would be about $700 if I felt compelled to give a $400 gift. We could afford it, but I'm pretty frugal. I'm currently not working and the bride and groom each earn more than my husband. They don't need the money and they want to have a lavish wedding. I personally would rather save my friend the cost of us not attending, but I'm sure she'd say that she would want us  to come. I think if it was in a more typical reception hall (not "formal") I would want to attend, no question. So what are the expectations? Give a more modest gift not in line with the party thrown? Be generous even though that's not how I would typically spend my money? Don't go? 

 

[marmalade]

On 7/4/2017 at 9:53 AM, JoyJoy said:

Or start the season with Joe and Kendra courting, Joe asking to Mr Caldwell permission to marry Kendra, and then Joy's wedding where they got engaged. The next episode can be the wedding planning/wedding. 

They're showing Joe asking Pastor/ Mechanic Caldwell for Kendra's hand in next week's episode, as well as Joy's marriage proposal.

[itqitc]

19 minutes ago, JDuggs said:

As long as we're on the topic of weddings, I just received a save the date for the wedding of a very good friend's daughter. I know all about the daughter from her mother, but I haven't seen the bride in over ten years. She is having a formal wedding in the poshest hotel of our large city. If I was going by the "cover your plate" rule, I'm guessing it would be about $200/person for me and my spouse. I also would need to purchase a formal dress since I don't have one and my husband would probably need to replace his 20 year old suit. So now the cash outlay to attend this wedding would be about $700 if I felt compelled to give a $400 gift. We could afford it, but I'm pretty frugal. I'm currently not working and the bride and groom each earn more than my husband. They don't need the money and they want to have a lavish wedding. I personally would rather save my friend the cost of us not attending, but I'm sure she'd say that she would want us  to come. I think if it was in a more typical reception hall (not "formal") I would want to attend, no question. So what are the expectations? Give a more modest gift not in line with the party thrown? Be generous even though that's not how I would typically spend my money? Don't go? 

 

I would give a modest gift, but I also I don't agree with the cover the cost of the plate rule.  

[justoneoftwo]

25 minutes ago, JDuggs said:

As long as we're on the topic of weddings, I just received a save the date for the wedding of a very good friend's daughter. I know all about the daughter from her mother, but I haven't seen the bride in over ten years. She is having a formal wedding in the poshest hotel of our large city. If I was going by the "cover your plate" rule, I'm guessing it would be about $200/person for me and my spouse. I also would need to purchase a formal dress since I don't have one and my husband would probably need to replace his 20 year old suit. So now the cash outlay to attend this wedding would be about $700 if I felt compelled to give a $400 gift. We could afford it, but I'm pretty frugal. I'm currently not working and the bride and groom each earn more than my husband. They don't need the money and they want to have a lavish wedding. I personally would rather save my friend the cost of us not attending, but I'm sure she'd say that she would want us  to come. I think if it was in a more typical reception hall (not "formal") I would want to attend, no question. So what are the expectations? Give a more modest gift not in line with the party thrown? Be generous even though that's not how I would typically spend my money? Don't go? 

 

I've never worried about covering the plate.  Give something meaningful or off the registry in the price you want.  They invited you, not to get a gift but because they wanted you to come.  

Also if you don't want to go (it sounds like you might not) don't go.  An invitation is not a summons.  

[SapphireSlytherin]

26 minutes ago, JDuggs said:

I think if it was in a more typical reception hall (not "formal") I would want to attend, no question. So what are the expectations? Give a more modest gift not in line with the party thrown? Be generous even though that's not how I would typically spend my money? Don't go? 

She's your good friend's daughter, so you should go. Don't spend more than you're comfortable spending on a gift; perhaps something useful from their registry? And/or a check or gift card? Your presence there will be worth more than a gift to the bride's mom. She likely won't remember what you gave/didn't give after a couple of years, anyway.

[backyard sylph]

I had never heard of that "cover the plate" thing before reading about it here, but I haven't been to any real lavish weddings. I like to come up with a somewhat creative (not to say wacky or eccentric) gift I know they'll enjoy if there isn't a registry. If anyone were to invite me expecting more, they clearly don't know me well. I rarely have much cash, and I guess I must make my mere presence delightful enough to earn my dinner. ;-)

[ItsMeY'all]

I had a sorority sister from Boston that was horrified when none of the rest of us had heard about "cover the plate." She came back from a 2pm wedding shocked that the reception was "just at the church and only had cake and punch! No meal, no dj, no alcohol, and barely lasted an hour!"  We laughed and asked why anyone would provide a meal at 3pm.  Now a 5-7 pm wedding you never know. If it has the RSVP I generally assume a bit more food. 

Other than this site that was the only place I'd ever heard of it.  I thouht maybe it was just that I grew up in the south and midwest but between all of our grad school friends from across the country and us personally living in many other areas it doesn't seem to be he norm...again just my experience.  Seems more common to view the reception as just a party being thrown to celebrate the marriage. At a birthday or graduation party you often don't have a full, sit down, cover the plate meal and it seems people often treat a reception as just a slightly bigger/fancier version of such. But...sometimes it is more.  Knowing the region, couple, invitation, venue, time of day, etc are your clues. We really just wanted people there to celebrate with us, whether they brougt a gift or not didn't matter. 

I wanted a candlelight service...in July...in the south so it had to be later in the day. Our parents, minister, planner, and everyone else told me an 8pm service was not to be done so I found an east facing chapel and got married at 7:45pm (the latest people seemed okay with). Since it wasn't like it was Manhatten and most people in our area eat supper before 7pm we were pretty sure no one would expect a full meal.  Still, the invitation specified there would be a dessert reception following in the church's hall. We had a big coffee and tea bar, cookie bar with like ten kinds of cookies, chocolate and plain cheesecakes with choice of toppings, pies, tarts, ice cream bar, fruit, wedding and grooms cakes. Reading these threads have made me wonder if we pissed anyone off. Oh well, most people seemed to have a good time and we did warn them...

[SapphireSlytherin]

4 minutes ago, ItsMeY'all said:

I found an east facing chapel and got married at 7:45pm (the latest people seemed okay with). Since it wasn't like it was Manhatten and most people in our area eat supper before 7pm we were pretty sure no one would expect a full meal.  Still, the invitation specified there would be a dessert reception following in the church's hall. We had a big coffee and tea bar, cookie bar with like ten kinds of cookies, chocolate and plain cheesecakes with choice of toppings, pies, tarts, ice cream bar, fruit, wedding and grooms cakes. Reading these threads have made me wonder if we pissed anyone off. Oh well, most people seemed to have a good time and we did warn them...

For my first wedding, my parents were broke and I was 22. They were seriously on the verge of bankruptcy (oblivious me had no clue). I wanted a 6pm wedding, but my mother forced it to 7:30pm. She said people would expect a dinner if it was held any earlier in the day. We had two cakes, punch, chip/dip, nuts, mints, lemonade. It was held in a church hall - no alcohol allowed.

For my second wedding, DH and I tried to elope, but ended up with a tiny wedding (us, my daughter, my parents, my grandmother, and my aunt). On our one-year anniversary we renewed our vows. My in-laws came over from England and we had about 100 people for a Sunday afternoon ceremony and reception. Again:  cake, punch, coffee, tea, cookies, fruit. 

Do I give one half of a shit if I pissed anyone off? No. For my first wedding I had no idea what was "proper" even though I was raised in the South. For my second wedding (renewal vows), it was more like a party with our friends.

The only wedding reception I'd ever been to with dinner/dancing was my cousin's - they lived in Cincinnati, so I thought it was just a Cincinnati thing. lol

[JemimaPuddle-Duck]

Your wedding sounds wonderful @ItsMeY'all

[PreciousPantsofDoom]

@JDuggs, if you decide against attending the wedding, perhaps you could make your excuses for the wedding /reception, but wangle an invite to a shower and give a more modest gift to show your regard/support for the couple. 

[sawasdee]

When my BFF got married, there was a sitdown meal for 120 - all the marquee could hold - and then an 'afters' party with a further 80 or so guests.  That was basically the rest of the village! . The marquee was cleared for dancing, and there was seating in the adjacent pub. People understood the logistics, and 'afters' guests were certainly not expected to provide a gift. The 'afters' was a way of including everyone.

[ItsMeY'all]

47 minutes ago, SapphireSlytherin said:

Do I give one half of a shit if I pissed anyone off? No. For my first wedding I had no idea what was "proper" even though I was raised in the South. For my second wedding (renewal vows), it was more like a party with our friends.

I think both these seem very proper and appropriate! I'm a Southern raised Okie and it seems like as long as you offered cake, punch, nuts, and mints you were "following the rules."It is a celebration, not a fundraiser. Now if you'd had it earlier you at least have to have hors d'oeuvres in addition to the above (which it seems like you kind of did anyway), at least according to all my mom's annoying Junior League friends.  We had a fancy assed planner from Dallas as our planner (family friend who offered her services and discounts as a gift!) that seems to be pretty in the know (or I would hope so based on some of the weddings she has done...she had to know protocol) who seemed to think we did more than we needed to so what do I know. It does seem to be very regional. Unless it was black tie, black tie optional, or flat out asked beef or chicken on an RSVP card no one expected a massive buffet or sit down spread. Those "fancy" receptions did happen, but I'm 99% sure none of them expected more than the guest's presence. Anyway, it always seems like the invitations pretty much always said "cake and punch to follow in the fellowship hall," "please join us after the service in the reception hall for heavy hors d'oeuvres," included directions to and a timeline for the "cocktail hour, dinner, dancing," or something like that.  You know basically what you are in for.

I sure hope the friends that had the three day and multiple ceremonys and receptions thing out of town or the friend that had the week long thing in Indonesia didn't expect a cover the plate type of gift because those families spent enough to purchase a house on those weddings. I'm not spending thousands on their gifts on top of travel.  Wait, my husband just reminded me that Indonesia's invitation specifically said "your presence here to celebrate with us is more gift than we could have ever dreamed of asking for" and the other wedding said "no gifts but if you feel you must please donate to one of these charities." I've been to many weddings where I know they have spent $1000 plus per guest, but they all seem to understand that when you are paying thousands just to go on vacation to be at their wedding they shouldn't expect a massive gift. 

Forgot to include that we did have cheese as well but not Duggar style cheese.  I think that was the most expensive part of the reception. My dad's favorite way to finish a meal is cheese either with figs, dates, or drizzled with honey and he insisted if it was a dessert reception his would be included. Jeremy would have been proud.

[louisa05]

48 minutes ago, ItsMeY'all said:

 At a birthday or graduation party you often don't have a full, sit down, cover the plate meal and it seems people often treat a reception as just a slightly bigger/fancier version of such. But...sometimes it is more.  Knowing the region, couple, invitation, venue, time of day, etc are your clues. We really just wanted people there to celebrate with us, whether they brougt a gift or not didn't matter. 

I have been to many graduation parties with a full buffet. The last few years I was teaching full time, it was like it had become a competition to have the biggest, best party. I've been to two with dances, a few with floral centerpieces, many with expensive catering...cake, mints and punch is definitely not considered enough around here anymore. When I threw my nephew's, I did cupcakes along with chips and queso, veggies, hot spinach dip, cheese plate, and fresh fruit. That was pretty modest compared to a lot of his classmates. 

I

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wanted a candlelight service...in July...in the south so it had to be later in the day. Our parents, minister, planner, and everyone else told me an 8pm service was not to be done so I found an east facing chapel and got married at 7:45pm (the latest people seemed okay with). Since it wasn't like it was Manhatten and most people in our area eat supper before 7pm we were pretty sure no one would expect a full meal.  Still, the invitation specified there would be a dessert reception following in the church's hall. We had a big coffee and tea bar, cookie bar with like ten kinds of cookies, chocolate and plain cheesecakes with choice of toppings, pies, tarts, ice cream bar, fruit, wedding and grooms cakes. Reading these threads have made me wonder if we pissed anyone off. Oh well, most people seemed to have a good time and we did warn them...

If the wedding was that late and the invites designated a dessert reception, then you were fine. It is the 4 p.m. wedding with reception food served at nearly 7 where you are in starving your guests territory if it is only dessert. Most people are not going to eat dinner at 3 p.m. before going to a wedding and if you serve your non-dinner food at nearly 7, now you are keeping them there until 8 p.m. at least with no meal. Not cool. 

If you have an afternoon wedding and just serve dessert and wrap things up by dinner time, you are fine, too. I was in one wedding and attended another that were early afternoon with cocktail style receptions--cake and appetizers. By 5 p.m., everyone was out of there to eat dinner elsewhere. Not a problem. 

I was in the wedding party for a 4 p.m. ceremony, serve cake only at nearly 7 p.m. and they had us there by 11 a.m (for no logical reason) with not a bite to eat. So we were at the damn church, on our feet half the day, and had no food from breakfast until nearly 7 p.m. We were fucking starved when we got out of there and went straight to the nearest fast food place in full wedding attire. We saw other wedding guests there as well. If your wedding party and guests are rushing to a burger joint as fast as they can get there when they leave...

I was absolutely obsessed with feeding our guests. That was the only thing I really cared about as far as the reception. I had left way too many weddings hungry in my life. We even made sure to bring in lunch for the wedding party between pictures and the ceremony. 

[Jana814]

I live in northern New Jersery. All the wedding that I have been to have been a sit down meal. 

[Greendoor]

Married at 7:30 pm.  Mom and I did the food, reception at her house.  Appetizers, fruit and cake.  Champagne, coffee and tea. 

 

 

 

[PennySycamore]

As long as you don't have the classes divided at the reception (the two receptions thing), stage an obvious gift grab, have a fist fight break out among the bridesmaids after the ceremony, or have the groomsmen wearing camouflage t-shirts with the sleeves cut off, then I think your wedding is classy enough.  Those last two scenarios happened at a wedding my husband officiated.  He was appalled!

(I'll add having a birthday cake for someone accused of sexual misconduct with teenage girls is TACKY beyond belief.  I'm looking at you, Bateses!)

[ItsMeY'all]

I guess I'm not surprised about the graduation stuff.  I did graduate a long time ago and times sure have changed. Plus lifestyles change.  We just had bbq and sides there for family visiting from out of town and most of my friends did something similar.  Seems like my siblings both did TexMex. And then of course the required cake and punch. I hate cake and always managed to convince mom to make me a key lime pie as well, but she required cake at all these events. All of my friends were also graduating so our parties would have overlapped and it would have been a waste to do much more. There was too much other stuff going on the few weeks leading up to graduation so no one would have had a party then.  The days after graduation everyone had already moved on to something else.  But again, I'm old. And we didn't have IG, FB, and Pinterest to show off/compare on.

 I'm sure some of this is regional and logistics. My parents still find it strange that our DFW family throw such big childrens birthday parties. I pointed out that our niece lives 20 minutes from her school. If the friend lives 20 minutes away the other direction they are looking at driving 40 minutes minimum (if REALLY good traffic) each way to get to a seven year old's two hour birthday party. You aren't just going to drop them off.  Of course they are offering food, drinks, and activities for the parents and siblings of her little friends. It isn't like when I was little in a town of 45,000 and half of my friends lived within a mile and could just ride their bikes over. My parents agreed but still "think it is ridiculous." 

Most of the people at our wedding were from in town.  I can't think of any from out of town that weren't family and they were all doing meals with other family in the area the day of because they expected us to be busy with wedding stuff.  Everyone from out of town was invited to the rehersal dinner though.

[kacarlton]

I wanted a candlelight service...in July...in the south so it had to be later in the day. Our parents, minister, planner, and everyone else told me an 8pm service was not to be done so I found an east facing chapel and got married at 7:45pm (the latest people seemed okay with). Since it wasn't like it was Manhatten and most people in our area eat supper before 7pm we were pretty sure no one would expect a full meal.  Still, the invitation specified there would be a dessert reception following in the church's hall. We had a big coffee and tea bar, cookie bar with like ten kinds of cookies, chocolate and plain cheesecakes with choice of toppings, pies, tarts, ice cream bar, fruit, wedding and grooms cakes. Reading these threads have made me wonder if we pissed anyone off. Oh well, most people seemed to have a good time and we did warn them...

That sounds lovely.

[ItsMeY'all]

Hubby just informed me that he thinks cake and punch receptions are the best and ours was too long.  Okay, good to know all these years later.  He says they are long enough to show the couple you are happy for them, celebrate them, and still not blow a whole Saturday night/miss watching the OU game. Dad always groaned about black tie or dinner weddings as well but dad's theory was that if you stayed for the meal you also had to stay through cake which meant, according to him, "having to sit through all that dad/daughter, mother/son, first dance married crap that only the family cares about just to get to the dessert." He would try to convince mom to just go to the wedding and skip the reception because he always found them boring. Drove mom nuts. He always caved but ended up spending receptions at the golf grill downstairs watching tv (in our town the country club was the onky nin church place to do a dinner reception). The men in my family are total party poopers!