Jinjer: Throwing Shade since April 9, 2017

[candygirl200413]

My cousins just had back-to-back weddings in two different cities which was done so that our many relatives from eastern africa could attend. Both are doctors, had a open bar, plated dinners and it was an amazing time because it was just a family reunion. It did border on the lavish side but I didn't think of it as a problem and just a wonderful experience. So I think depending on the couple I thought they were totally justified in how much they spent because its what they wanted.

[MadeItOut]

10 hours ago, ThunderRolls said:

Oh my - now I'm wondering if people will hate our wedding?

We were clear on invites and we have a trilingual facebook  group to support folks since we're "doing it odd".

Thing is, we don't want to do any of the traditions relating to fertility (confetti, tiered cake etc) & since we have folks coming in from all over Europe, we don't want to loose time having staged photos etc (our photographer incidentally is wonderful and total understands). especially very recently having lost his mum, so families' photos would be weird.

We also have an established home and didn't want anyone to worry re gifts. Spending time is way better anyhow, so what we have said is, anyone who feels comfortable to do so (a lot of the folks coming are entertainers too) might like to prepare a turn towards the entertainment, then for others, we asked them to bring a game idea to share. We're also putting on croquet, boules, a paddling pool and a jigsaw table. For favours, we've made a donation to the greatest little charity in the world and have little cards to give that say so (foodstuffs,cosmetics etc wouldn't work for those flying).

I'm just hoping now that no-one feels too let down.

 

[LacyMay]

9 hours ago, JDuggs said:

As long as we're on the topic of weddings, I just received a save the date for the wedding of a very good friend's daughter. I know all about the daughter from her mother, but I haven't seen the bride in over ten years. She is having a formal wedding in the poshest hotel of our large city. If I was going by the "cover your plate" rule, I'm guessing it would be about $200/person for me and my spouse. I also would need to purchase a formal dress since I don't have one and my husband would probably need to replace his 20 year old suit. So now the cash outlay to attend this wedding would be about $700 if I felt compelled to give a $400 gift. We could afford it, but I'm pretty frugal. I'm currently not working and the bride and groom each earn more than my husband. They don't need the money and they want to have a lavish wedding. I personally would rather save my friend the cost of us not attending, but I'm sure she'd say that she would want us  to come. I think if it was in a more typical reception hall (not "formal") I would want to attend, no question. So what are the expectations? Give a more modest gift not in line with the party thrown? Be generous even though that's not how I would typically spend my money? Don't go? 

 

I think the cover your plate rule is ridiculous, when Mr. May And I were married in Dec we had a number of family and friends come from away who we didn't really expect gifts from (in our mind them being there was our gift) also we found for the most part it evened out. I certainly would hate to think of someone not coming because they felt their gift wasn't up to par. For us we wanted to share our day with those who were closest to us or had had a large part to play in our lives. 

 

 

On B-Lists and receptions.... 

We had an invitation A and B list where we sent our first round of priority invites and once the No responses came back we sent out the rest. Mr. May has a large family  (7 aunts and uncles on his moms side 4 on his dad's) and his parents wanted all of them and their adult children invited. We knew most of them would say no but still wanted to be cognizant of how many invites were floating around. It helped that for the most part these invites were all mailed to other provinces so we didn't have people who knew each other getting invites at other times. 

 

I think everyone who was invited to the ceremony was invited to the reception however we were both very involved in our church and there was a good chance that we had people come to the ceremony that didn't receive invitations to either (we were just honored that they wanted to share in the ceremony) 

 

I did have a number of ladies at my shower that weren't invited to the wedding but that was because I did the typical church shower where every lady at the church was invited (some who I had never met before) my mom lived a 6 hour flight away and couldn't be at my shower though so seeing how many people took time to be there really meant a lot. 

[Jinder Roles]

If you're inviting everyone to the ceremony and only a select few to the reception, then have an hors devours/cake & punch reception hour first and then very discreetly have a your dinner reception afterwards. 

The idea of inviting guests to the reception after dinner has been served is so rude IMO. They get no meal and have to stay in the vicinity. I'd be so pissed if I found out about that. Then again, in my neck of the woods, having a cash bar is seen as tacky. 

I understand that sometimes people can't afford a lavish wedding and etiquette rules vary by class and region. Work within your budget and try to execute with grace.

[Snarkylark]

7 minutes ago, Jinder Roles said:

If you're inviting everyone to the ceremony and only a select few to the reception, then have an hors devours/cake & punch reception hour first and then very discreetly have a your dinner reception afterwards. 

The idea of inviting guests to the reception after dinner has been served is so rude IMO. They get no meal and have to stay in the vicinity. I'd be so pissed if I found out about that. Then again, in my neck of the woods, having a cash bar is seen as tacky. 

I understand that sometimes people can't afford a lavish wedding and etiquette rules vary by class and region. Work within your budget and try to execute with grace.

How would you go about asking guests to leave so dinner can be served?

[Jinder Roles]

2 minutes ago, Snarkylark said:

How would you go about asking guests to leave so dinner can be served?

I wouldn't say it outright. Maybe have the dinner and hors devours served in a different location? If that's not possible then I'd time it so that there was something in between cocktails and dinner. Just so people get the hint that it's time to leave. And I'd specify on invitations to guests not invited to dinner that it was a cocktail hour only reception. 

[Lurky]

It's standard practice in the UK to have 2 or 3 tiers of guests:  those who come to the actual wedding, those who come to the dinner, if you're having one, with the speeches, photos etc, and those who come to the reception.  This is traditionally because our wedding venues are too small to hold everyone, though with when you can marry widened in the last 2 decades, it's different now, but also because the sit-down dinners/wedding buffets are expensive!

I have never even blinked if invited to the reception only.  That's the dancing, cake cutting (so cake, champagne and maybe a buffet provided) and it's so you can invite, I dunno, people you work with, friends you haven't seen in ages, lots of people you like, without bankrupting yourself. 

BUT here's the thing - EVERY time we talk weddings on FJ, USA people get outraged at what's common practice is other areas/communities of the USA.  It happens every time, and I'm amazed, because there's so obviously *not* a single book of USA etiquette, it's clearly regionally and culturally specific, and what has some FJers up in arms is just normal to people who have lived elsewhere.  I love the convos, because it's fascinating to see how different people do it, but it's weird to me that people are still surprised the USA is a vast and diverse place!

ETA It's not seen as a gift grab either - it's seen as a way of celebrating with as many people as possible on this great day.  Sometimes people might be invited to the service + reception, because the dinner is for family/closest friends only, but that can be fun too - a chance to catch up with your old school/uni/work friends before being more generally social at the reception later.

[jozina]

In Australia rather than the UK but totally agree Lurky! We invited people who we wanted to our wedding or those who we thought others would enjoy socialising with (eg cousins who we may not have particularly wanted but who we liked well enough and we knew would enjoy seeing). No registry, couldn't have begin to care what we did or didn't get and can't remember what most people got us. We had a big flash reception because we wanted to and of what I can remember I doubt anyone "covered their plate" but jeepers I doubt any of them were thinking of it either. I'd hate to get a wedding invite and think someone was just inviting me as a gift grab but that doesn't seem widespread here.

[backyard sylph]

55 minutes ago, jozina said:

In Australia rather than the UK but totally agree Lurky! We invited people who we wanted to our wedding or those who we thought others would enjoy socialising with (eg cousins who we may not have particularly wanted but who we liked well enough and we knew would enjoy seeing). No registry, couldn't have begin to care what we did or didn't get and can't remember what most people got us. We had a big flash reception because we wanted to and of what I can remember I doubt anyone "covered their plate" but jeepers I doubt any of them were thinking of it either. I'd hate to get a wedding invite and think someone was just inviting me as a gift grab but that doesn't seem widespread here.

Well, that's how it's always been for me, I mean, among people I knew in places I've lived; I haven't put on a lot of weddings or anything. I really don't think there's all that much difference other than the following: some specific religious traditions, time of day being partly dictated by tradition in geographical location and partly by whether you can afford to serve dinner to a few or many, or if you're quite posh or have posh parents paying for a huge crowd and all the amenities I've only ever seen on TV.

I still think that if two different groups are being feted, based on what I've read here, the intimate one should be before the wedding, and the reception should be for everyone you invited to celebrate with you. And you'll have a registry if it suits your needs, or not. That's everyday ordinary most people, but of course in life there will always be a few who are tacky or tasteless.

[Kangaroo]

In my experience, here generally if your invited to the ceremony it's also an invitation for the reception. If you can only seat 100 people, then you only invite 100 people.

The only exception I've noticed has been for very traditional religious ceremonies. For example my friends had an open invitation for any members of the church congregation to attend the ceremony. Drinks and snacks were provided after, and then everyone headed off. 

There's usually a large gap between the ceremony and reception (Ceremony is at lunch, Reception at Dinner at a completely different venue) where the bridal party goes out for photos and people make there way to the reception.

I haven't come across a wedding, religious or not, where the ceremony and reception were at the exact same location. A few weddings in a garden then food inside, but nothing like what I've seen on TV (I.e. Four Weddings) where it's all contained in the one space.

I did work with a girl that had a very big 800 person, invite anyone and everyone you know, Indian wedding. She said there was no expectations for anything except delicious food and lots of dancing!

[Jana814]

Many of the Jewish weddings I have been to the ceremony and reception were in the same place. I've been to the Catholic weddings of 2 college friends who's ceremonies were in the churches they were raised in (with the schools they attended were across the street.) 

[OyToTheVey]

10 hours ago, Jana814 said:

I live in northern New Jersery. All the wedding that I have been to have been a sit down meal. 

Brooklyn here. Try not feeding people at any party. It's just not done. Most weddings are night time weddings anyway. 

[Jana814]

3 minutes ago, OyToTheVey said:

Brooklyn here. Try not feeding people at any party. It's just not done. Most weddings are night time weddings anyway. 

I was at a wedding on Long Island in November of 2015. The reception started at 2 in the afternoon. Their was a full meal, dancing and it was over by 7pm. 

[OyToTheVey]

3 minutes ago, Jana814 said:

I was at a wedding on Long Island in November of 2015. The reception started at 2 in the afternoon. Their was a full meal, dancing and it was over by 7pm. 

I just think regionally North East we expect to be fed at all times. 10 am bris? Bring on the bagels and lox spread. 2 pm kid party? Where's the pizza and fries. Wedding? There better be a cocktail hour and a dinner lol  and all of this better have booze

I've never even heard of cake and punch church weddings until I read it here. Learn something new everyday!

[ladybug15]

5 minutes ago, OyToTheVey said:

I just think regionally North East we expect to be fed at all times. 10 am bris? Bring on the bagels and lox spread. 2 pm kid party? Where's the pizza and fries. Wedding? There better be a cocktail hour and a dinner lol  and all of this better have booze

I've never even heard of cake and punch church weddings until I read it here. Learn something new everyday!

the booze part and food. I am Polish, we would be outcasts for having beer and wine only, punch forget it. You have to have traditional vodka:) But even though we had a wedding in Long Island, we only had 50 people and managed to close within $13,000 for everything for the wedding, including a bbq at our house for 30+ people the day after, and all the clothes.

[Jana814]

13 minutes ago, OyToTheVey said:

 

I've never even heard of cake and punch church weddings until I read it here. Learn something new everyday!

Neither have I. 

[OyToTheVey]

38 minutes ago, ladybug15 said:

the booze part and food. I am Polish, we would be outcasts for having beer and wine only, punch forget it. You have to have traditional vodka:) But even though we had a wedding in Long Island, we only had 50 people and managed to close within $13,000 for everything for the wedding, including a bbq at our house for 30+ people the day after, and all the clothes.

Russian here! The badmouthing that would happen if booze and food  was limited oy. We went to a wedding once that took like 2 hours between the appetizer and the main course and it's still talked about as the worst wedding we've ever been to. The next day party is kinda a requirement too. 

[Bad Wolf]

Married before the internet and registries. We got 2 orange (it was the 70s)  crock pots. I gave one to my MIL and the other crapped out after 36 years.

[PreciousPantsofDoom]

This regional difference thing is interesting.  I've been to 20+ weddings.  Most of them on the West Coast of Canada, plus one in the Seattle area and one in the UK. Every single one included a full meal.  Some were sit down, some were buffet. Most meals were either catered in a marqee or held in a hotel or restaurant.  One was in a community hall with all the food provided by various church ladies (OMG was the food ever good at that one, even if the venue was basically paper covered tables in a gym) Most receptions were in the evening ( starting about 5 or 6 and dancing after until whenever) A few were lunch time things.  Which I never think are as festive, but I'm not the boss of them.  Most included full bar, a few gave you 1 or 2 drinks free, but you paid if you wanted more.  Nobody was tacky enough to do a cash bar only.  A couple had no booze for religious reasons-although they were both fun wEddings any way, if I recall.  

Most had a time gap between the ceremony and the reception  (usually for the wedding party to get the photos done.) Most also had the reception at a different location from the ceremony (even if it was just moving inside from a garden ceremony or something) Only one had the ceremony right inside the restaurant immediately before lunch was served. On Halloween.(who the hell picks Halloween for their wedding date? ) Wedding sizes varied between a very small 2 dozen, to about 400 for the Chinese weddings I've been to, as well as the Hindi one. Average was around 125 people though.  Usually everyone invited to the ceremony comes to the reception, but it's certainly not uncommon at a church wedding to see a few extra people come to the church ceremony, usually church ladies who know the bride or groom who just love a wedding. They don't expect to be fed. 

I have seen other church ceremonies (baptisms/first communions/ confirmations etc) where there was a cake reception at the church open to anyone, then a meal somewhere else for just the immediate family and a few guests.  Never seen that for a wedding. Never even hear d of it until reading about it on FJ.

Now what is this thing about serving mints at a cake reception?  Really?  I don't know why this seems so odd to me, but it does !  Are there just bowls of mints scattered around. The wrapped hard ones? The thin chocolate wafer ones with a mint center? Mint imperials like my Grandma always had in her purse?  And do people really stand around eating them, or is it just good etiquette to have them out even though nobody ever eats them? 

[Quiver Full of Kittens]

All of this has been really interesting. Soon to be Mr. Kittens and I are getting married at the end of the month and found ourselves really aware of trying to make everything as easy as we could on our guests. We both are transplanted over a thousand miles away from our respective hometowns. We wanted to invite our whole families but were aware of the cost on our guests and didn't want to appear to be having gift grab from people who couldn't attend. We ended up planning a small wedding, but having the nicest reception we could afford. We figure the least we could do after they made a cross county trip was to show them a very good time.  There is no expectation of "paying for their plate." If anything, they've done more than that through airfare and hotel and taking time off work to share in our day.

[Carm_88]

I've never been to a wedding that didn't have a full sit down meal either! However, it really does depend on where you are. 

[NotQuiteMotY]

11 hours ago, ItsMeY'all said:

Hubby just informed me that he thinks cake and punch receptions are the best and ours was too long.  

Honestly, I think the description of your wedding and reception sounds lovely. As far as etiquette goes, it's fine: you didn't have a meal, but you didn't schedule it at a mealtime, and you probably had enough food for everyone to have a good amount, which is really the main thing. Plus, it was on the invite so if anyone didn't eat dinner first it would be their own darn fault. 

Most of the weddings I've been to have been sit-down, plated dinners, most with an open bar, but they were also usually late afternoon, so the reception hit right at dinnertime.

[SapphireSlytherin]

15 minutes ago, PreciousPantsofDoom said:

I have seen other church ceremonies (baptisms/first communions/ confirmations etc) where there was a cake reception at the church open to anyone, then a meal somewhere else for just the immediate family and a few guests.  Never seen that for a wedding. Never even hear d of it until reading about it on FJ.

FJ is good for broadening horizons, isn't it?

Pretty sure I clearly stated why my first wedding had a cake/punch reception. My parents were dirt poor and about to lose everything they owned, but they still gave me a beautiful wedding, with as much reception as they could afford.

My second wedding (vow renewal) was an afternoon party-type event - started at 2, over at 4. Hardly any reason to feed 100 people, especially as most had gone to the Country Club or a restaurant for lunch after the morning church service.

Question for those who are shocked/dismayed/stunned/grossed-out by cake/punch receptions:  If that's the BEST the couple/family can afford for their guests, should they not have a wedding and reception at all? Should they just elope? Or should they celebrate their day with non-judgmental friends and family?

[Gobbles]

5 minutes ago, SapphireSlytherin said:

Question for those who are shocked/dismayed/stunned/grossed-out by cake/punch receptions:  If that's the BEST the couple/family can afford for their guests, should they not have a wedding and reception at all? Should they just elope? Or should they celebrate their day with non-judgmental friends and family?

In Germany people like that would usually only do a civil wedding (no expensive dress needed) with like 20 people or so and go to a restaurant afterwards. But the weddings I attended included rather expensive gifts, so you can finance quite a lot with the gifts you get if you want. (Money as a gift is totally normal and expected, at least where I live.) So the restaurant would be free, because the guests mostly paid for it. Some wait a few months for the church wedding. Either way, the civil thing is important. No idea if you can only marry in church in the US? Is there no need to sign a contract?

[Exposedknees]

41 minutes ago, PreciousPantsofDoom said:

Now what is this thing about serving mints at a cake reception?

It's a southern thing. They're soft mints, my grandmother made them with cream cheese. And Yes they've always been at  "Cake and Punch" receptions I've been to. They match the wedding colors. Southern ladies make them for teas as well and are fiercely protective of recipes.