Jana's Future 3 - Baking and Real Estate

[SassyPants]

The only way that we'd know if she waited long is if we knew what was the average age of first time fundie brides.

Personally, I don't have enough effs to give to do the research. It seems for every Joy, there is a Sarah Maxwell. Jana will not be a Joy. She might be a Sarah.

[luxfilia]

1 hour ago, singsingsing said:

She's only 27. She hasn't really waited that long. 

Tell that to a lot of the people in my world (Tennessee). I waited until right before I turned 27, and most of my peers had gotten married years before. I got lots of marriage comments over the years. I googled it, and:

"In three states -- Arkansas, Utah and Oklahoma -- women married the youngest, at an average age of 24. For men in those states, the average age was 26. " (http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/wayoflife/10/20/marriage.timing.location/index.html?_s=PM:LIVING)

And that's not just fundies. 

[melon]

My mother did not get married until she was 27.

My oldest son is 36,he stays so busy with work,he doesn't date.He had a romance in high school,dated one girl for 4 years,it did not end well.He has not dated very much since then.He says he wants to have a wife and kids,but suffers from low self-esteem.

I have another son,he is 33..son to be 34.He got out of a one-sided relationship with a narcissist...she is awful.I am not a violent person but I could slap her.They met in middle school and I think he loved her,even then.They lost contact,then reconnected through facebook, 3 years ago.Long story short,she was using him( think walking ATM) until someone"better came along.He could help her with her bills but she would not let him move in.He loves her little boys,and they love him.He loves(he is not over her) her as we should,faults and all.My son is far from perfect,but he will make a good husband and father.My son had dated,just not much and never seriously...he is trusting,gullible and hopelessly naive...for a guy.No,he does not look like a male stripper,Channing Tatum,a biker ,or a Brazilian singer.I understand that you don't always feel the same or maybe do not feel an attraction...do you let it go on for two and a half years?????Do you keep this man  a secret,an option,a backup plan??Do you hurt him,use him and disappoint him over and over???I was frustrated by his inability to see through her.How could she pretend to love him?I was furious and outraged by the awful way she treated him.She is a walking contradiction.She can't keep a job.She has a long history of failed relationships.She blocked me,my oldest son( who did not care...he cannot stand her says she's garbage..has been since high school,and she blocked my son,and he continued to see her for another 6 months.She said we did not need to see her life on Facebook,but her page is public..she is so full of herself.She would not like to know what people say when they see it...lol.Tacky,tease,whore,barfly...etc....not flattering.She has this fake image she wants to maintain...she wants everyone to think she is good hearted and nice to everybody....she isn't..my son cut off contact in NOvember.she had said he could move in..then last minute backed out by text,as she had done 6 times before.She is 35 this month.He wasted so much time and money on her,and for what?A river of debt,a heartache,and a shattered self esteem.It was not for me to decide,but I really did not want him moving in....she emotionally abused him,verbally abused him....what next? I did not have a good feeling.I know I sound like some smothering mother hen,he is a grown man but still my child.I fully expected her to dump him for someone else(he is 22 to her 35)....I was mad because she hurt my son and made him feel unwanted.I still feel so sad for him,and I am still mad at her.ANd I have managed to stay out of the other boys love lives..but this was different and so hard to watch.

[AnnaRuk09]

1 hour ago, singsingsing said:

She's only 27. She hasn't really waited that long. 

No not really, but taking into account their belief system and the fact that her younger sisters married at 19 (Joy, although nothing is official), 21 (Jessa), 22 (Jinger), 23 (Jill) while Jana, 27, hasn't been in a courtship and is still waiting for the one, makes her wait seem "long."  If I was Jana, I'd feel really lonely and sad thinking that day might not happen

[singsingsing]

Just now, AnnaRuk09 said:

No not really, but taking into account their belief system and the fact that her younger sisters married at 19 (Joy, although nothing is official), 21 (Jessa), 22 (Jinger), 23 (Jill) while Jana, 27, hasn't been in a courtship and is still waiting for the one, makes her wait seem "long."  

Yeah, I think the fact that all of her younger sisters (of the first grouping of sisters) have found their match makes it seem even longer. If a couple of the older ones were still single as well it wouldn't be so glaring.

[SassyPants]

1 hour ago, melon said:

My mother did not get married until she was 27.

My oldest son is 36,he stays so busy with work,he doesn't date.He had a romance in high school,dated one girl for 4 years,it did not end well.He has not dated very much since then.He says he wants to have a wife and kids,but suffers from low self-esteem.

I have another son,he is 33..son to be 34.He got out of a one-sided relationship with a narcissist...she is awful.I am not a violent person but I could slap her.They met in middle school and I think he loved her,even then.They lost contact,then reconnected through facebook, 3 years ago.Long story short,she was using him( think walking ATM) until someone"better came along.He could help her with her bills but she would not let him move in.He loves her little boys,and they love him.He loves(he is not over her) her as we should,faults and all.My son is far from perfect,but he will make a good husband and father.My son had dated,just not much and never seriously...he is trusting,gullible and hopelessly naive...for a guy.No,he does not look like a male stripper,Channing Tatum,a biker ,or a Brazilian singer.I understand that you don't always feel the same or maybe do not feel an attraction...do you let it go on for two and a half years?????Do you keep this man  a secret,an option,a backup plan??Do you hurt him,use him and disappoint him over and over???I was frustrated by his inability to see through her.How could she pretend to love him?I was furious and outraged by the awful way she treated him.She is a walking contradiction.She can't keep a job.She has a long history of failed relationships.She blocked me,my oldest son( who did not care...he cannot stand her says she's garbage..has been since high school,and she blocked my son,and he continued to see her for another 6 months.She said we did not need to see her life on Facebook,but her page is public..she is so full of herself.She would not like to know what people say when they see it...lol.Tacky,tease,whore,barfly...etc....not flattering.She has this fake image she wants to maintain...she wants everyone to think she is good hearted and nice to everybody....she isn't..my son cut off contact in NOvember.she had said he could move in..then last minute backed out by text,as she had done 6 times before.She is 35 this month.He wasted so much time and money on her,and for what?A river of debt,a heartache,and a shattered self esteem.It was not for me to decide,but I really did not want him moving in....she emotionally abused him,verbally abused him....what next? I did not have a good feeling.I know I sound like some smothering mother hen,he is a grown man but still my child.I fully expected her to dump him for someone else(he is 22 to her 35)....I was mad because she hurt my son and made him feel unwanted.I still feel so sad for him,and I am still mad at her.ANd I have managed to stay out of the other boys love lives..but this was different and so hard to watch.

My son will be 27 in August.  He's had 2 long term relationship, both broken off. He is the nicest person in the world.I think he is turned off to dating. Today he left for New Zealand. He'd love to emmigrate.

[roddma]

I am married but used to fret at the idea of being single. There's nothing wrong with choosing to be single or not by choice single. I look back at the teen years and think how silly we act over the opposite gender. The primary focus should be education. Nothing says you must marry, or have  a partner. Marriage and dating is wonderful , but it's a choice, not an obligation.  And i think more people re now realizing that.

Jana and JD are both 27. Reading the words from Jana is heartbreaking. Jana you are grown No one can legally hold you back from living your own life.

 

[melon]

My son is going on dating sites,now.

Not having much luck.

He talked to one...they talked about comedians...she said Jeff Foxworthy was "filth".My son says I think she like the Duggars.religious.

I know most of us face,heartache.

I just was angry how this twat led him on with empty promises,lies etc.Accepting a ring,talk of having a baby..looking at homes...telling him what he wanted to hear.Pretending to love him.

He is better off.He dodged a bullet.She has serious issues.

I sent her a nasty message in NOvember,telling her off...under a fake account,since she has us all blocked since April.She knew it was me.Told me to mind my own business,well,touche.....but my son is my business.She insulted me and my son.Called me immature....I said Pot calling the kettle black.Said there must be something wrong with my son..cause he never dated.Wrong,he had just not seriously..until her.Said he can't get a girl because of me..I should not have said anything,but I was furious ,I had enough.I figured she would eventually dump him for another ,she did it before..it didn't las t 2 weeks,and then my son was back on....he was on an emotional roller coaster for the last year and a half.Her boy toy will get tired of her...he is 22 ,she 's 35....thye have about 3 things in common...drinking ,fishing ,sex.

I am bitter.And I know I need to let it go.

I know it is wrong,but I hope she get what she deserves times ten.....she does have bad luck.

[singsingsing]

28 minutes ago, melon said:

I sent her a nasty message in NOvember,telling her off...under a fake account,since she has us all blocked since April.She knew it was me.Told me to mind my own business,well,touche.....but my son is my business.She insulted me and my son.Called me immature....I said Pot calling the kettle black.Said there must be something wrong with my son..cause he never dated.Wrong,he had just not seriously..until her.Said he can't get a girl because of me..I should not have said anything,but I was furious ,I had enough.I figured she would eventually dump him for another ,she did it before..it didn't las t 2 weeks,and then my son was back on....he was on an emotional roller coaster for the last year and a half.Her boy toy will get tired of her...he is 22 ,she 's 35....thye have about 3 things in common...drinking ,fishing ,sex.

I am bitter.And I know I need to let it go.

Wow. Yes, you do need to let it go. It is immature to create a fake account and send nasty messages to your son's ex-girlfriend. You're an adult. I'm assuming your son is an adult. His love life is his business. If you think he's physically or financially in danger, talk to him, or if you're really concerned that he's in imminent danger, report it to the police, but otherwise let him live his own life and learn from his mistakes.

[melon]

Yes,you are right Singsing.I was wrong to do that..send a nasty message and it was immature,that is true.I told him I did it.

I have had no contact with her since,and neither has my son.

I don't know why this affected me so deeply.Having lost a child,maybe.I did manage to stay out of my other boys love lives.

[Chickenbutt]

@melonWhen my son discovered his ex wife was cheating on him for the second time he was heartbroken. I was furious. And you know what I was furious about? I was so angry because she made ME helpless. When my son was young and he was hurt, I could clean and bandage his scrapped knees and kiss his owies. I could tell him all the platitudes when he got his heart broken by a teenage breakup. But this time was different. None of my words, hugs, cuddles, platitudes was enough to heal his pain. I felt helpless. I am not the helpless kind of person and the ex was making me helpless. I could only sit back and watch my son crying, self blaming, raging, etc and I COULD DO NOTHING TO HEAL HIM. That is the worst feeling a parent can have and she did that! I will never forgive her for putting me in a place that left me helpless to help my child. All I can say to you is identify your own feelings, deal with them and do the best you can to heal your son.

Fast forward 6 years....my son is happy, healthy and in a great relationship.

[melon]

Yes,Chickenbutt!That is how I feel about it and towards her.Finally! Some sympathy.

I felt so helpless.I could not save him.I tried to warn him....to no avail.

I worked with him...he currently lives with us.I saw him hurt,disappointed..over and over....as an empath,I felt his hurt,his pain.

This is the child that is most like me,he is like the male version,of me!He has his faults,we all do.He accepted her many faults.Forgave her over and over for the wrongs she did to him.

Others warned me...my oldest son,and husband said J had to learn.My husband was baffled,and said our son was stupid..no,foolish for trusting her..but he was inexperienced with women,she knew very well how he always felt about her.

I have heard it,all,Chickenbutt,Mother Hen,Overbearing,Smothering etc.I don't deny it.I have lost a child.

I am trying to deal with this,He is handling it much better than I am.

Thanks for your support,Chickenbutt.

I am so happy to hear your son is in a great relationship.

I hope,one day,my son will meet someone.Someone who will love him just as much as her loves her.

[Chickenbutt]

@melonWhen my son's marriage fell apart, Mr. Butt and I did all we could for our son. But some things we couldn't help him with. He just had to find his own way. We tried. We provided moral support, childcare, financial support, anything we could, so he could focus on his emotional health.

In case I sounded like I didn't care about what my son was going thru during the cheating reveal, Mr. Butt and I decided that we would each talk to the ex DIL and tell her how her actions impacted us. It was up to my son to talk to her about his feelings. We were not going to speak for him. That's how I came to tell her how her actions impacted me. How her cheating made me feel. How her betrayal made me feel. Mr. Butt had his own private conversation with her. I, to this day, have no idea what he said to her. It gave us an opportunity to have our say without our son having to listen to, or know, how devastated we were. My last parting shot at my ex DIL is not my finest moment but I told her that she made me feel helpless and in return I was going to destroy her. My son is now raising their children clear across the country from her and she gets visitation. I am helping raise her children, instilling in them our values and morals. We did everything in our power to get the best attorney for our son to assure he would get custody and permission to move the kids across the country, and it worked. She hurt my son, I have her children. I know that sounds brutal and revenge-like and anyone can judge me all they want. We did the right thing.

I wish the best for you and your son. Remember, you cannot undo what has been done. You have the right to your feelings. Be supportive of your son. You can't make his decisions for him. Be there when he needs you and try not to alienate him when he makes decisions you don't agree with. I know exactly how you feel. We love our kids and only want the best for them despite their self sabotaging behavior. Kids are such a PIA...lol.

ETA: If you would like to continue this conversation, I think we should move it to a more appropriate thread or you can PM me. Sorry to have hijacked the thread.

[HermioneSparrow]

I wish someone would have defended me like you all did it with your kids. Being heartbroken is not easy, i've been there humiliated and alone. Nowadays i'm fine being single most of the time but sometimes sucks and I feel insecure about myself so I understand Jana, at least I live in the secular world where it's okay to be single. Can you imagine the pressure and sadness she must feel? 

[Carm_88]

4 hours ago, HermioneSparrow said:

I wish someone would have defended me like you all did it with your kids. Being heartbroken is not easy, i've been there humiliated and alone. Nowadays i'm fine being single most of the time but sometimes sucks and I feel insecure about myself so I understand Jana, at least I live in the secular world where it's okay to be single. Can you imagine the pressure and sadness she must feel? 

No, I struggle sometimes being single and I live in the secular world. Sometimes, it seems like I am getting a hard time, so I can't imagine how Jana feels. I am only comparing to a few friends but most of Jana's friends and sisters are married. Why not her? I know it's because Prince Charming hasn't come along but she must be getting frustrated.

[LawsonBatesEgo]

I'm an atheist from a irreligious family and was single from age 26-28 and it was a HUGE struggle because even in the non fundie world, there is still an expectation that around that age, as a woman, you'll be looking for someone to settle down with. I don't know if I struggled with it in the sense that I was miserable, but I was so sick of hearing everyone say stuff like 'you're being too picky!' and 'have you tried [dating website here/social activity here]' and just the assumption I must be miserable because I was single. 

I wasn't overwhelmingly miserable. I mean, I was like 'it would be nice to meet the right person, but like, I'm not sitting in my room crying every night because I haven't yet'. I hated people assuming I was miserable and desperate iykwim. Believe it or not, a woman in her late 20s can be single and not miserable. 

I met Mr LBE last year when I was 29 when, ironically, I wasn't actively looking for a relationship. We got paired together on a project for University in what was his last subject to finish off his degree. I thought he was really cute and fun to work with, but probably a tad too young (he was 23/24 when we met), but luckily for me, he wasn't bothered I was older and thought I was funny/pretty. 

People now say stuff like "ohhhh, you got someone just before you turned 30, clever girl" and I'm just like "ok?" I wasn't aware that 30 was some cut off where women can't start new relationships once they are passed it, or whether their lives are OMG OVER if they are not with someone on their 30th birthday. 

It's so stupid. 

Like, it's nice to have Mr LBE in my life and he makes me happy, but I don't NEED him to be happy or to complete my life in the sense that if I happened to be paired to work with someone else and didn't meet him, I'd be happy in other ways and still have a meaningful life. 

[Carm_88]

1 hour ago, LawsonBatesEgo said:

People now say stuff like "ohhhh, you got someone just before you turned 30, clever girl" and I'm just like "ok?" I wasn't aware that 30 was some cut off where women can't start new relationships once they are passed it, or whether their lives are OMG OVER if they are not with someone on their 30th birthday. 

At least your cutoff date is 30! My aunt made a few cutting remarks when her daughter became engaged, said that if she wasn't getting married by 27 then she wouldn't. Um thanks? 

[seraaa]

On 3/11/2017 at 10:44 PM, seraaa said:

 

12 minutes ago, Carm_88 said:

At least your cutoff date is 30! My aunt made a few cutting remarks when her daughter became engaged, said that if she wasn't getting married by 27 then she wouldn't. Um thanks? 

Ugh, I hate that so much. Way to let us know that we only have worth as long we're young and pretty!

Sometimes I think about all the time I have lost to being socially anxious and want to despair, before moving into rage that we're sold this narrative that our lives are past their sell-by date once we hit 30.

(*Like, sorry for being a sub-par human who finds socialising difficult sometimes, guess I'll never be happy or successful!* Is what I jestingly don't troll people by saying whenever this comes up)

[HermioneSparrow]

Believe it or not in the secular world a lot of people side eye us single folks, a friend was telling me last week that I should get out more and be more extroverted.. and my aunt was texting me to see if I was okay and dropped her usual "so are you dating?", and the list goes on, so I feel some pressure... Like it's easy for me to be less shy and insecure. I do know I need to go out a little more but not because i'm desperate (i'm NOT) but because I need to meet people and have more friends to hang out. I moved out of my country six months ago and I have like two friends here. Anyway, back to Jana.. it's hard to be single and shy when everyone around you is married/dating/whatever even if you're okay with your status, the pressure exists so I imagine she's frustrated especially in a culture where she's taught being a wife and mother should be her only goal. At least for us there's a lot of fulfilling things to do and achieve and it's not like being married with kids is for everyone, in my case I'm not ready for that yet.

[LawsonBatesEgo]

32 minutes ago, seraaa said:

Ugh, I hate that so much. Way to let us know that we only have worth as long we're young and pretty!

Sometimes I think about all the time I have lost to being socially anxious and want to despair, before moving into rage that we're sold this narrative that our lives are past their sell-by date once we hit 30.

(*Like, sorry for being a sub-par human who finds socialising difficult sometimes, guess I'll never be happy or successful!* Is what I jestingly don't troll people by saying whenever this comes up)

Ugh, yes! I dreaded turning 30 and I put the blame solely on the way society has pretty much conditioned women to think that turning 30 is when "your life is over". 

Spoiler Alert: it wasn't the end of the world. And it happened in September last year so I'm already halfway to 31. Still waiting for my life to feel meaningless, worthless and pointless......... 

[Shadoewolf]

Its not just when we are older either. My oldest at nearly 17 gets a lot of flak from the girls in her choir for not having a boyfriend. It's not that she doesn't get lonely, Valentine's, Homecoming, etc are tough on her, more than I think she admits. But she's told me, and her classmates, that she has things in her life she wants to do first, and she doesn't need relationship drama getting in the way. I say good for her,  the classmates not so much. 

I also comment frequently to my almost 13 year old daughter that love is great but boys are yucky until she's 25. She once asked me why. I told her it's because she needs to figure out who she is, what she wants in life, and have a chance to pursue her dreams before worrying about making someone else happy. 

I feel sad for Jana because she has such potential and she's stuck in a world that will never let her pursue it fully.

[Jinder Roles]

@Kangaroo...in the same boat as you. 21 and never even been on a date. I used to be indifferent about it but it has been bothering me lately. Just remember that you have a whole life ahead of you and your time will come!  Being single is not a measure of how loveable/good you are - even though it feels like it sometimes. 

Bonus: You sound like you have your life together (which is good for relationships)

 

As for Frank, he seems to have a very successful career post-19KAC - glad he didn't stick around. I'm seeing NatGeo, Esquire, many commercials, a montage of A-list celebrity photographs, Interview Magazine and short films. Very impressive. Too bad Jana didn't run off with him. 

Another question: Does Frank Sun remind anyone of Eugene Lee Yang from Buzzfeed's "The Try Guys"? I would definitely let me fill my quiver. 

 

If/when we get married, he shall be wearing this; 

(still mad he looks better than I do in a wedding dress) 

[seraaa]

Jason got Jana flowers. I can't make out the whole message, but it seems to begin, "I greatly appreciate..."

Sibling camaraderie is the best! 

 

 

 

 

[louisa05]

On 3/18/2017 at 8:04 PM, Carm_88 said:

At least your cutoff date is 30! My aunt made a few cutting remarks when her daughter became engaged, said that if she wasn't getting married by 27 then she wouldn't. Um thanks? 

I was at a bridal shower for a not quite 25 year old bride whose mother spent the entire time making comments about the awkwardness of her being an "older bride". 

And I was bridesmaid for a 28 year old bride who had people telling her in the receiving line what a relief it was that she "finally" found someone. One woman even said, "after all, you're no spring chicken, are you?". 

I'm sure it is not a coincidence that these were both evangelical families. 

[MayMay1123]

1 hour ago, Jinder Roles said:

 

Another question: Does Frank Sun remind anyone of Eugene Lee Yang from Buzzfeed's "The Try Guys"? I would definitely let me fill my quiver. 

 

Sweet Eugene is on my short list of "next husbands"... ::fanning myself::