Kaci Lynn is here - Whitney and Zach's 2nd baby

[Casserole]

17 minutes ago, lizzybee said:

 

Because there is no way in hades I would let her come into the room while I'm giving birth. She stresses me out, she is insane, and I don't have that kind of relationship with her. 

 

 

1. So sorry about the fiasco at your wedding.

2. Have you considered hiring a doula? I know some people think they're silly.. but as long as they aren't the one solely delivering your child, they do serve a good purpose as a support for the birthing process. And that could be a way around letting no one but your husband in since it'd be a "professional" just in case your husband's stomach can't handle it. Just a thought. Best wishes to you!

[lizzybee]

6 minutes ago, Casserole said:

 

1. So sorry about the fiasco at your wedding.

2. Have you considered hiring a doula? I know some people think they're silly.. but as long as they aren't the one solely delivering your child, they do serve a good purpose as a support for the birthing process. And that could be a way around letting no one but your husband in since it'd be a "professional" just in case your husband's stomach can't handle it. Just a thought. Best wishes to you!

I have been thinking about it, to be sure. I am looking at my options (what my insurance pays, what the hospital offers, what they'll allow, etc.). It's a fair point and would make a lot of sense. If it has to come completely out of pocket though, the doulas I've been looking at in my area are a bit expensive for my already stretched baby budget. It would be so awesome to have that though. We're going to definitely do some birthing classes too to see if that will help us both be more prepared. 

[RoseWilder]

5 hours ago, nastyhobbitses said:

I don't understand the whole obsession with EVERYTHING MUST BE COMPLETELY SILENT AROUND MY BABY. Won't a baby get accustomed to noise and learn to sleep through it and not be as frightened of loud noises if they're exposed to noises early on? I don't mean that people should take their baby to a thrash metal concert, but insisting on complete quiet and inconveniencing other people because you want your baby to exist in an anechoic chamber seems counterproductive.

In my cousin's case, her child end up being unable to handle noise of any kind. Now she doesn't like going in public where it's noisy. She gets startled really easily by everything. 

It's funny that so many first time parents are so worried about making things silent because that's not even a possibility if it's your 2nd or 3rd or 4th child. The noise exists, and the baby generally just learns to adjust to it. My nephew, who is 7 weeks old, was a little startled at first by his bigger sister when she would throw a tantrum, but now he's reached a point where he doesn't even react. If he's asleep, he continued sleeping right through it. If he's awake, he turns his head and stares at her, but he doesn't get upset. Most babies adjust really well to the normal noises of a household. 

 

[Pianokeeper]

24 minutes ago, RoseWilder said:

In my cousin's case, her child end up being unable to handle noise of any kind. Now she doesn't like going in public where it's noisy. She gets startled really easily by everything. 

It's funny that so many first time parents are so worried about making things silent because that's not even a possibility if it's your 2nd or 3rd or 4th child. The noise exists, and the baby generally just learns to adjust to it. My nephew, who is 7 weeks old, was a little startled at first by his bigger sister when she would throw a tantrum, but now he's reached a point where he doesn't even react. If he's asleep, he continued sleeping right through it. If he's awake, he turns his head and stares at her, but he doesn't get upset. Most babies adjust really well to the normal noises of a household. 

 

Ha! This sounds like me. I have extremely sensitive hearing (e.g. I hear most lightbulbs, not just the old/wonky ones) and HATE loud noises. I do get startled easily.

I wear ear plugs to the movie theater (hear everything just fine with them in!) and basically just try not to have a breakdown around shrieking children. 

Buuuut... the thing is, I kind of like my super crazy hearing. Yes, I have to have Mr Pianokeeper run interference sometimes and save me from sudden or loud noises, but it's like I have a superpower. Being able to hear things others can't is occasionally useful ("No, there is ABSOLUTELY a train coming to this crossing; take the next street"), frequently fascinating (hearing ants -- not even an army, just a... delegation -- walk across the kitchen counter), and just something I'm really grateful to have, 99% of the time. 

 

Saying that, I'm not advocating sheltering babies to any ridiculous extent, just pointing out that life as a noise-sensitive adult doesn't have to only be misery and suffering. 

[RoseWilder]

2 hours ago, lizzybee said:

Because there is no way in hades I would let her come into the room while I'm giving birth. She stresses me out, she is insane, and I don't have that kind of relationship with her. 

I'm sorry that things have been difficult with your Mother.

At the hospital where my niece and nephew were born, the area where the birthing rooms are at is locked. The hospital issues 2 special name tags to each family and you have to ring a buzzer to get in, then show your name tag. We didn't want to go back there turning the labor and birth, but even if we had wanted to, we wouldn't have been able to just freely come and go because my Brother would have had to come out and give us one of the name tags. Then after the baby was born, the hospital doesn't let anyone go back for 2 hours so the new parents and baby can bond and do skin-to-skin. After that, they were transfered to a different part of the floor for the remainder of the hospital stay. You have to be buzzed in to that area too. So it's very hard for people to just pop in unexpectedly. I know a few people who had difficult family members and they let the  nurses know and the nurses were very helpful in keeping people out.

I don't know what your hospital is like, but you might want to look into it. It's possible they might already have some systems in place that will help you to have a drama-free birth. 

[elliha]

2 hours ago, lizzybee said:

Because there is no way in hades I would let her come into the room while I'm giving birth. She stresses me out, she is insane, and I don't have that kind of relationship with her. 

To keep her out of there I just said no one but my husband. Someone on my bump board pointed out that birthing with you alone might be more than some husbands are able to handle, depending on how your husband deals with you in pain and how strong their stomach is, etc. Not knowing how my husband can handle it, I might have liked my best friend who's had a baby, or my grandmother (dad's side) if she were able, which she isn't anyway, or even my little sister (no relation to my mother) would be nice. Having anyone else in there but not letting her would definitely cause WWIV (wedding was WWIII). But one more crazy fight with my crazy mother is just not going to cut it for the birth of my much longed for and wanted child. So sad I have to go that route, but it'll be worth it for not fighting with my mother when I need to be focusing on the happy moments with my new baby.

KEEP HER OUT!  To be honest, I would even bring a picture and her full name to the hospital and make sure that they call security on her if she would show up anyway. As a mother of two I can say that who is in the room when you give birth is extremely important and being around a toxic person at that point can even make the labor stop or be more painful. My midwife last time (only 3 days ago) was great but the ward was busy and she had to leave a couple of times. Even this little thing made me have trouble concentrating and made me feel very confused and increased the pain several times. Compared that to being with a person who has more or less disrupted your life multiple times. Make sure she is not there any way possible.

Also, discuss things with your husband. Discuss what he is scared of and what you are scared of and what you think might be hard for each of you individually. My husband has not been very active in supporting me either birth but that is kind of what we want. I like having him in the room but I don't want him to comfort me or touch me too much, I kind of only want his presence and some massage sometimes. He was very active when the baby came out this time, he got to help catch it and was the one who carried him over to me. It was very moving to me to have him do this but the point is that there is a way for most couples to do it. As I said above, here in Sweden it is almost always the mother and father of the baby in the room and men do tend to deal with it very well. That doesn't mean that they are never scared or uncomfortable with being in there but I don't think you need to think having two people there is a must. 

[Granwych]

14 hours ago, Casserole said:

My step-sibling did not ban everyone, but instead published a list of rules if you were planning on being within a 10 foot radius of the baby. I don't remember them all (OVER 25 things) but the highlights: Absolutely cannot wear anything scented; no perfumes, deodorants, lotions, etc. Must be wearing 100% organic cotton top if you're going to hold the baby. (Yes, she checked.) No jewelry. Must warm hands prior to touching baby. Must be seated next to her to hold baby. And it went on...... 

Oy.  When wychling and I came home from the hospital, my only set-in-stone rules were a) don't come if you or one of your immediate family is sick  and wash your hands before touching/holding the rug rat.   And at that time I was a working nurse.

Now wychling is a healthy mama with a healthy 4 month old.  She thinks along the lines I do about visiting/holding/playing with grandwych.  Only thing we all did differently was getting TDAP shots.

[Ali]

My husband shaved his beard shortly after our son was born because our pediatrician suggested that may be the cause of some skin irritation. It cleared up shortly after he shaved. That being said, I didn't forbid any men with beards coming near him after that. I would probably ask the man to turn him if I noticed the beard rubbing against his skin.

We have not tried to be quiet after he was born and make normal noise. He seems to be a light sleeper and wake up easily due to noise. Some babies are more sensitive to noise. I sometimes wish I could put earplugs in his ears.

[NewSeasonOfLife]

On 8/1/2016 at 8:02 AM, lizzybee said:

Because there is no way in hades I would let her come into the room while I'm giving birth. She stresses me out, she is insane, and I don't have that kind of relationship with her.

I don't suppose there's any way you could not tell her you're in labor until it's over? Just tell her in advance that you've decided to tell the family once it's done since they wouldn't be allowed in there anyway. Then you could have your friend or whomever else you wanted and just make sure to not mention they were there or not show pictures of them.

And I sympathize. I was in labor with my son, who was born stillborn and who we knew had died at the time, when my mother-in-law showed up. She then announced that she had known I was sick and that I had basically killed my baby. She was removed from the room for the rest of the labor. I'd do anything to prevent anyone else from having any sort of a similar experience, healthy baby or no.

[VelociRapture]

3 hours ago, NewSeasonOfLife said:

I don't suppose there's any way you could not tell her you're in labor until it's over? Just tell her in advance that you've decided to tell the family once it's done since they wouldn't be allowed in there anyway. Then you could have your friend or whomever else you wanted and just make sure to not mention they were there or not show pictures of them.

And I sympathize. I was in labor with my son, who was born stillborn and who we knew had died at the time, when my mother-in-law showed up. She then announced that she had known I was sick and that I had basically killed my baby. She was removed from the room for the rest of the labor. I'd do anything to prevent anyone else from having any sort of a similar experience, healthy baby or no.

.... Can I push your MIL out a closed window? Please? What a hateful bitch!

[CharlieInCharge]

With my labor and delivery it was just my hubby and me. I'm very private and wanted it that way. I'm pretty sure your husband will be fine and if not there are usually nurses to help out. I wish you the best of luck and I hope your delivery is as stress-free as possible!

[raisingthebarre94]

I have been thinking about it, to be sure. I am looking at my options (what my insurance pays, what the hospital offers, what they'll allow, etc.). It's a fair point and would make a lot of sense. If it has to come completely out of pocket though, the doulas I've been looking at in my area are a bit expensive for my already stretched baby budget. It would be so awesome to have that though. We're going to definitely do some birthing classes too to see if that will help us both be more prepared. 

Try posting on local birth or crunchy mom pages to see if there's any doulas doing pro bono certification births. I'm a doula going through certification and I'm doing 3 births free before charging my $500 (which is cheap in my area)

[ladyaudley]

@NewSeasonOfLife how awful! What a horrible woman.

[lizzybee]

Thanks everyone for your awesome advice about my mother.  @NewSeasonOfLife I am so SO sorry for what you must have went through. 

A quick update: yesterday she went nuts on me over how I was planning on doing the gender reveal. It really opened my eyes that even when I'm walking on eggshells and trying to prevent an explosion from her that a. I can't stop an explosion/control her b. that's not my job. 

Someone on my bump board recommended I read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and in the midst of reading it, I've realized that her instability and irrationality and her emotions are not my responsibility. I can't control her, and I can't make her do what's right. I've decided that this is my pregnancy and I'm going to do things the way I see fit, and if my life choices for my life experiences aren't adequate for her need for validation and happiness, it isn't my responsibility to change for her. 

[EmainMacha]

In my previous birth I'm sure that the pressure I felt from family to give birth before they flew back home was partially what led to a long drawn out labour. If they'd actually been just outside the delivery room door it would have been worse. UK hospitals don't tend to have waiting areas in delivery suites and only 2 are allowed in the the delivery room with the expectant mum.

One family member had already strongly suggested I ask for earlier induction so baby would arrive at a more convenient  time (for them). The worst part is I'm so malleable I would have done it but the hubby said hell no!

I've been reading Babycenter DWIL nation recently to help prepare for the next birth. I will grow a spine!

[nastyhobbitses]

On 8/3/2016 at 10:55 PM, EmainMacha said:

In my previous birth I'm sure that the pressure I felt from family to give birth before they flew back home was partially what led to a long drawn out labour. If they'd actually been just outside the delivery room door it would have been worse. UK hospitals don't tend to have waiting areas in delivery suites and only 2 are allowed in the the delivery room with the expectant mum.

One family member had already strongly suggested I ask for earlier induction so baby would arrive at a more convenient  time (for them). The worst part is I'm so malleable I would have done it but the hubby said hell no!

I've been reading Babycenter DWIL nation recently to help prepare for the next birth. I will grow a spine!

What.

"Hey, can you have a potentially dangerous and as of now unnecessary medical procedure because it's more convenient for me?"

How fucking self-centered and entitled do you have to be to have that line of logic go through your brain and past any social filter that says "this statement is a really asshole thing to say"?

[nokidsmom]

Per my name, I have no kids so never had a birth experience myself (long story around that) but I feel for those here who have had toxic people to deal with during their pregnancy / birthing experiences.   I can't wrap my head around that people can be such assholes during a time like this but know from other personal experience that there are those who make everything about them.

@EmainMacha @NewSeasonOfLife I am sorry for both of your situations.

@lizzybee  Keep that nasty woman out of there.  At all costs. 

[twinmama]

On 7/31/2016 at 9:04 PM, Casserole said:

My step-sibling did not ban everyone, but instead published a list of rules if you were planning on being within a 10 foot radius of the baby. I don't remember them all (OVER 25 things) but the highlights: Absolutely cannot wear anything scented; no perfumes, deodorants, lotions, etc. Must be wearing 100% organic cotton top if you're going to hold the baby. (Yes, she checked.) No jewelry. Must warm hands prior to touching baby. Must be seated next to her to hold baby. And it went on...... 

I will LOL but at the same time, having been a preemie mom who wouldn't let anyone who did not get a flu shot and a whooping cough vax, or had had the sniffles in the last week at least, or anyone who didn't use Purell, or anyone under 18 near my babies I can't judge. Just realize those ridiculous rules come from fear. Who doesn't want to protect their brand new baby as much as they can? 

On 8/1/2016 at 10:31 AM, RoseWilder said:

In my cousin's case, her child end up being unable to handle noise of any kind. Now she doesn't like going in public where it's noisy. She gets startled really easily by everything. 

Who knows if that is the reason why though. My 4 year olds hate loud noises, REFUSE to go back to a movie theater because it was too loud the first time. Hate the vacuum and the dust buster. But they spent their first 9 weeks in the NICU, which is crazy loud 24/7 due to alarms. And at home, they go to sleep and it thunders or we have a drunken dinner party with friends, and they sleep right through it. I don't think they've woken up from noise once and we hardly even try to be quiet after they go to bed (in a very small house where their bedroom is near the living space). But are still super sensitive to loud noise while awake.

[RoseWilder]

14 minutes ago, twinmama said:

Who knows if that is the reason why though. My 4 year olds hate loud noises, REFUSE to go back to a movie theater because it was too loud the first time. Hate the vacuum and the dust buster. But they spent their first 9 weeks in the NICU, which is crazy loud 24/7 due to alarms. And at home, they go to sleep and it thunders or we have a drunken dinner party with friends, and they sleep right through it. I don't think they've woken up from noise once and we hardly even try to be quiet after they go to bed (in a very small house where their bedroom is near the living space). But are still super sensitive to loud noise while awake.

To be clear, I wasn't saying in my post that all noise-sensitive children are the fault of the parents. I know some kids are just more sensitive than others, especially children who are premature. Just that in this case, I do think it was the result of how the parents handled it.  She was always fine with noise as a baby, not bothered by it at all, and the parents decided to keep it quiet at all times and then she became unable to handle it. She wasn't born that way. 

[twinmama]

7 minutes ago, RoseWilder said:

 She was always fine with noise as a baby, not bothered by it at all, and the parents decided to keep it quiet at all times and then she became unable to handle it. She wasn't born that way. 

Ah I did not see this part. 

[RoseWilder]

17 minutes ago, twinmama said:

Ah I did not see this part. 

I don't think I was clear about that part in my original post. Sorry for the confusion. 

 

[Adrienne83]

On 8/3/2016 at 5:55 PM, EmainMacha said:

In my previous birth I'm sure that the pressure I felt from family to give birth before they flew back home was partially what led to a long drawn out labour. If they'd actually been just outside the delivery room door it would have been worse. UK hospitals don't tend to have waiting areas in delivery suites and only 2 are allowed in the the delivery room with the expectant mum.

One family member had already strongly suggested I ask for earlier induction so baby would arrive at a more convenient  time (for them). The worst part is I'm so malleable I would have done it but the hubby said hell no!

I've been reading Babycenter DWIL nation recently to help prepare for the next birth. I will grow a spine!

I never would have thought that a fellow FJer would be on DWIL!!!!

[Granwych]

As for the noise bit, my niece was born 10 weeks early and spent over 4 months in the NICU.  To this day she can't take noises, even grandwych's crying.  I've read that now hospitals are trying to keep the noise level down in NICUs.  Grandwych is at a point now (5 months) where sudden loud noises will set him off to crying.

[EmainMacha]

21 hours ago, nastyhobbitses said:

What.

"Hey, can you have a potentially dangerous and as of now unnecessary medical procedure because it's more convenient for me?"

How fucking self-centered and entitled do you have to be to have that line of logic go through your brain and past any social filter that says "this statement is a really asshole thing to say"?

That particular person is a doctor so they 1.couched it in terms of medical concern and 2. got their spouse believing their crap so they started to say it all the time too.

So not happening again.

[Melissa1977]

9 hours ago, twinmama said:

I will LOL but at the same time, having been a preemie mom who wouldn't let anyone who did not get a flu shot and a whooping cough vax, or had had the sniffles in the last week at least, or anyone who didn't use Purell, or anyone under 18 near my babies I can't judge. Just realize those ridiculous rules come from fear. Who doesn't want to protect their brand new baby as much as they can? 

Who knows if that is the reason why though. My 4 year olds hate loud noises, REFUSE to go back to a movie theater because it was too loud the first time. Hate the vacuum and the dust buster. But they spent their first 9 weeks in the NICU, which is crazy loud 24/7 due to alarms. And at home, they go to sleep and it thunders or we have a drunken dinner party with friends, and they sleep right through it. I don't think they've woken up from noise once and we hardly even try to be quiet after they go to bed (in a very small house where their bedroom is near the living space). But are still super sensitive to loud noise while awake.

My eldest is very sound sensitive despite his quiet natural birth followed by living in a quiet but ordinary home (I mean, we are not loud but my home is not a monastery). We avoid very noisy places but you cannot avoid the streets are and also parks are sometimes noisy. He grow up hating birthday parties, music class and even now at 11 years old he is not confortable with Cinema sound. Doctors say it's ok, no problem with him. 

What I think is that children born more or less sensitive no matter what you do. Of course NICU has consequences, but yours had been probably sensitive anyway.

4 hours ago, Granwych said:

As for the noise bit, my niece was born 10 weeks early and spent over 4 months in the NICU.  To this day she can't take noises, even grandwych's crying.  I've read that now hospitals are trying to keep the noise level down in NICUs.  Grandwych is at a point now (5 months) where sudden loud noises will set him off to crying.