All things Razing Ruth

[J'ean Skirt]

Ack. I wrote a long post and it got eaten by the forum monster.

You're a brave, strong, amazing woman. Packing up your stuff and driving across country for a new job? That's some scary stuff. I did it. I was terrified. And, yeah, it was hard to fit into a new city, a new culture and a new job. There was more than a few times I went through "What have I done and how do I undo it?" those first few weeks.

It will get better. You will survive.

Remember all of the things you have done. You escaped an abusive situation, including going to court for yourself. You put yourself through school and got a degree. You handled your relationship with Harris well - my first relationship out of college and failed engagement was not nearly as well handled as you handled the issues with Harris. You rescued your kid sister. You have a niece who is not going to be abused because of YOU. She'd never be where she is without you. You drove across country.

You are an amazing and strong woman. You have done more in the last few years than most people accomplish in their entire lives.

I know your upbringing crippled you, but all of us (particularly women, google 'imposter syndrome') go through those points of struggle where we're just so unsure of what we're doing and think the next challenge is insurmountable. Most of the time those challenges aren't.

I have 10+ years in age on you, and I still find work can be a challenge and a terrifying one at that. Today was one of those, we're transitioning our company (I'm a co-owner) to a larger company and it's going to involve me doing and learning a lot of new things. We had a great meeting with an advisor, but I got out of the meeting and have spent the last few hours freaking out about all the stuff coming down the pike.

Be kind to yourself. Transitions are always hard and you have been hit with more than a few over the last few weeks. And I do include your father's death in that. I know you were mostly estranged from him, but I'm sure there's still a lot of stress related to that, even if you don't know it.

You're brave and strong and amazing. One day, one step at a time. You can do it.

[snarkykitty]

I highly recommend you hook into FreeCycle. It might take you some careful watching the offerings, but you should be able to furnish your apartment completely free through FreeCycle offerings. It might not be stuff you want to keep the rest of your life, but it will be better than sitting on the floor of an empty apartment to get you set up and you can then replace stuff as you find better/can afford it.

We have given away lots of stuff via FreeCycle. I believe I shared this story before, but two years ago right after Christmas, we were getting rid of a bunch of stuff we didn't use anymore, among them was a Christmas tree and ornaments (we had used the tree at our previous home which had cathedral ceilings and was therefore too tall for our current home). A family contacted us about the items, and shared that they had just lost their jobs, their own artificial tree was no longer working, they couldn't afford a Christmas, and would love to have them (along with a portable VCR or CD player (can't remember which) that we were giving away, coincidentally, theirs had just broken as well, they couldn't afford cable, and they had no way to watch movies or anything.

I was so happy that our stuff was well-wanted and that it would help a young family make memories for their young child. I guarantee that you will find plenty of quality items for free or little money, if you just look.

[Carla Bruni]

RUTH! Having just read your last post, I want to jump in and say that what you're feeling is COMPLETELY NORMAL. The technical term for it is "impostor syndrome" and it's actually very common among young women in almost any field - I'm 5 years into my career and I still have days where I'm convinced my boss is going to figure out I just really can't hack it, despite praise and promotions and what have you. Google it if you have the time - it's ridiculously common, even among women with PhDs in astrophysics and other such absurdly brainy pursuits. In fact, the further along women go in their career, the more it can impact them, which is why female CEOs are still such a :pink-shock: sort of situation.

Part of the reason the catty birches are so catty may be because they're covering up their very same insecurities with a "fake it till you make it" kind of attitude. Don't let them get to you!

Please please please don't put yourself down. You've gotten SO far and you've overcome SO much - more than any of those catty birches - you are living, breathing proof that your family was completely wrong. Very few people, especially young women, have the balls to do everything you've done. Keep at it and know you have a giant crowd of cheerleaders here :wink-kitty:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a packed lunch - I walked out the door without mine yesterday and kicked myself in the shins because it was totally better than anything I could buy around the office. My freakin' boss, a big dude who runs a company (!), brings a packed lunch sometimes. You are absolutely NOT obligated to explain your lunch preferences or eating habits to anyone, so just politely decline and leave it at that.

[August]

I wanted to add that budgeting for monthly paychecks is harder. My trick is to have all my bills come out at the beginning of the month so I know exactly how much I have for the rest of the month. It really sucks very badly to discover that the electricity bill which comes out on the 22nd just consumed the food budget for weeks 3 and 4, when you'd just bought new shoes in week 2. In a few months when you're more secure make a habit of keeping $50 stashed in a spice jar or somewhere so that you'll be able to limp through the last week of the month if needed.

If you're not staff are you faculty?

[asinglevoice]

Also, please remember that you've just undergone a HUGE change! Your dad just passed away. You've moved to a totally different state. You just started a new job - all of this change is bound to leave you feeling pretty emotionally raw.

I always, always, always feel down whenever I go through a big change. The environment is new, the people are new, the whole experience is new and it's not what I know/am used to so dammit, this sucks, I hate it, and I just know I made the wrong choice! My mom inevitably always has to talk me down from the ledge and remind me that big changes like moving, starting a new job, whatever - those put us under bigtime emotional/mental duress. It WILL get better. You just have to give yourself a chance to get acclimated! Do not make any more big decisions for at least a week - your main priority now is to get settled.

Also? PB & J is a totally valid lunch choice. I find if I go out to lunch with my colleagues (rare, as I'm a teacher) that I always end up getting a soup and sandwich anyway. Might as well save the $5-7 and make one at home for less than a dollar!

[Dru]

What they said. Starting a new job is always hard and people are often standoffish for a while. It doesn't help when you can't afford the same level of clothing as everyone else. I can remember standing in Marshall Field's crying because I had an interview coming up and couldn't afford anything nice to wear.

Is your attire drastically different from your co-workers? If so, what is most glaringly different about your wardrobe? Once you figure that out you can comb through Goodwill (try the one in Northbrook) and see if you can find something that fits better. PM me if you want a shopping partner.

For hair you can always go with a styled bun. Youtube is a great source for tutorials.

Makeup can be as simple as mascara and lip gloss. Maybe a bit of powder if you get shiny like I do.

If it helps, I've been in my current position for coming up on 15 years and I sometimes feel like I have no idea what im doing. My husband kicks ass at work and feels the same way as well. Like someone already said, it's pretty common.

Forget about the lunch thing. The president and CEO of my company both bring their own lunches to work most days. Your co-workers are being bitches and that has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you.

[clarinetpower]

Bitchy comment about your lunch? "Oh, are you offering to buy? That's SOOOOOOO sweet of you! Thank you! I accept!!!" Or... "Well, I like to maintain a slim figure. I guess not everyone is worried about that."

Bitchy comment about your makeup? "Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't raised around women who had to spackle it on. I can learn, though. Can you offer any tips?"

Bitchy comment about your clothes? "Well, I thought that the woman made the outfit, not the other way around. But I guess if I have to dress a certain way and be sort of, well, superficial to fit in with you, I can learn. Can you offer any tips?"

You don't have to say these to imagine them, and it is NOT a sin. ;) Remember what "turn the other cheek" really meant?

Also, this is harassment. This is NOT right and not fair and not OK. Don't assume they are right; they're not. They are assholes.

I have never started a job anywhere where I didn't feel unqualified, overwhelmed and like a sore thumb the first day. It will get better. You are strong. You don't have to do it all at once. One step at a time, one minute at a time. Get through the next minute, then the next. You'll make it. I know you will. Just keep on keeping on. Show up. Do what you can, learn what you can. Don't give up on yourself. There are enough people on this planet that will happily knock you down. Fuck 'em. Don't budge. You beat your dad, you can beat those pansies.

GAH. I just want to go down there and be all Mean Girls on their asses for you. I'm pissed.

Also, there are also free counseling services until you get your insurance to kick in. Look and ask around a bit. I know I used an outreach service's counseling when I needed it, saved my life.

[clarinetpower]

OK, now that I got that out of my system... ;)

This is the website of a friend of mine, she's now married to a dear friend's dad and she wrote a book that might help you a lot.

http://www.dressingforwork.com/meet-joyce.html

She lived in an abusive marriage, has MS, and was a low income mother, and wrote a book about how changing her wardrobe changed her life, by changing her attitude and how she sees herself. It has a lot of good information in it, and may be helpful to you. If you can't find it, let me know. You can also get in touch with her via her website.

You can get through this, Ruth. We are all pulling for you.

You are not alone.

[VaSportsMom]

Ruth, please stop being so hard on yourself. What you're feeling is perfectly normal. Your parents attempted to hold you back with their teachings but they failed sweetie. You have taken on bigger challenges than a new job and 12 year old coworkers and came out ahead - you're going to kick ass at this too!

Please message one (or more) of the local FJer's and maybe meet up with them. Online friends & support are wonderful things but there is nothing like having a real girlfriend to share a glass of wine or box of ice cream with when you're down. I know you are so careful about protecting your identity but you need a friend right now and you have many wonderful choices here (personally I would choose the member that offered banana bread, lol). If nothing else message some of us and get our phone numbers so you can at least chat or text with someone that knows your story.

[bionicmlle]

OMG I totes agree with all the amazing Jingers' comments above!! I, too, have felt so uncomfortable when starting any new job or even rotated in a new area on my CURRENT job. And I am in leadership at my work! I loved the comment above from CarlaBruni about Imposter Syndrome. I, even after six years at my position, am waiting for someone to figure out I don't know fuck all about my work. (Logically, I know this is not true but our logic and our feelings often don't match up, do they???)

Sounds like you are working with some insecure bitches so kill 'em with kindness. Don't get sucked into it. Mentally, tell them to fuck off a la ClarinetPower. :) (love those, btw, and will start adding to my internal monologue.)

As for counseling services -- I strongly recommend googling a local psychiatry residency program or a psychology training program. I'm not familiar with the University of Illinois system or med schools/uni-hospitals but trainees in psychiatry and psychology are always looking for good therapy candidates and cannot see patients WITH insurance in many cases (insurance requires attending physicians or licensed psychologists/therapists to bill) so they look for patients WITHOUT coverage. Psychiatry residents often do therapy AND medication management at the same time and it may cost you nothing if you let them know about your situation. PM me if you want more info on this type of thing! :)

[splork]

Ruth, everybody's first day of work is a total nightmare. You're walking into a situation where a group of people who have very little choice in the matter are thrown together and often see more of each other than they see their families. Every workplace is an invisible war. There are weird social dynamics and complicated alliances and hatreds that sometimes span decades. Everybody involved knows objectively that most of it is super-silly, but it's hard to stay detached when you're confined all day with people who are crazy or sexist or incompetent or bitchy or farty. I just try go in and enjoy my work and strive to be the best XYZ the world has ever known. (Not that I ever succeed in staying above the fray for long...)

Best of luck.

[Aurora rising]

Dear Ruth, when I started my first job I was sure that the next day my boss will come and fire me because I´m incompetent. I was not raised in a lifestyle like yours, I only have a shitty father. I cannot imagine what you have do go through and it absolutely amazing what you did and how you did it.

Don´t give up, you CAN do it. You are brave, strong and intelligent, you made it so far and I´m sure it will get better.

[SheWoreLemon]

I did a search for free/reduced cost mental health counseling in Chicago. This thread from Metafilter is from 2007, so I looked up the current email addresses of the places they recommend. http://ask.metafilter.com/79272/Where-t ... in-Chicago

If you want to PM me with the zipcode you live in, I can go through these websites and find the locations nearest you--less details for you to stress about when you're feeling overwhelmed.

City of Chicago's Department of Mental Health

http://www.cityofchicago.org/city/en/de ... erapy.html

Illinois Department of Human Services--mental health section

http://www.dhs.state.il.us/page.aspx?item=29728

Psychology Today has a section where you can search for mental health providers by zipcode. Then you have the choice to sort them by price. Each counselor has a bio, so you can get an idea of whether or not you'd be a good fit. At the bottom of the bio, they say whether or not they offer a sliding scale (you pay what you can afford)..

http://www.psychologytoday.com/

Catholic Charities--Holbrook Center. http://www.catholiccharities.net/holbrook

The Family Institute at Northwest University

http://www.yelp.com/biz/the-family-inst ... -chicago-2 and

http://www.family-institute.org/about-us

CJ Jung Institute

http://www.jungchicago.org/

----------------------------------

United States Health Resources and Services Association (HRSA) Federally funded clinics--can get free or sliding scale physical, mental and dental services. http://findahealthcenter.hrsa.gov/Search_HCC.aspx

Chicago Women's Health Center--offers counseling on a sliding scale (minimum $25)

http://chicagowomenshealthcenter.org/se ... counseling

[Peas n carrots]

Living in such a large metro has it's advantages. There are several highly regarded medical schools (off the top of my head...Northwestern, Rush, UIC, Loyola, U of Chicago) and they have many many research studies that are advertised on public transit. When I was a poor student many moons ago, I went through a pretty bad winter where I became estranged from my family (again!), lost my job and was really living on the edge. I was pretty depressed. I got in on a study at Northwestern University that focused mainly on anti-depressants but did provide some counseling on the side. It definitely helped when I was in a bad place. Most of those studies are downtown but Loyola is in Maywood (West Suburban).

http://www.uchospitals.edu/clinical-trials/index.html

http://www.rush.edu/rumc/page-R10021.html

http://bsdocr.bsd.uchicago.edu/

http://www.meddean.luc.edu/medicine/research/clinical-trials

http://chicago.medicine.uic.edu/mstp/clinical___research/

I also have a friend who graduated from Loyola Med School. She isn't there any longer but if you are interested in studies she could probably help connect you to the right people.

[Hane]

Mary Ruth, when I was at AT&T, the Director of my division brought in a bag lunch every day. I'd see him in his office, working through lunch hour, with his Granny Smith apple, sandwich in a Ziploc bag, and granola bar.

Remember this: If they hadn't thought you could do the job, THEY WOULDN'T HAVE HIRED YOU. It's much harder for employers to hire someone they're unsure about and then have to replace, than to leave a job post vacant until the right person comes along.

And YOU ARE THAT RIGHT PERSON.

If you can, log on during lunchtime and have lunch with your pals at Free Jinger!

[Peas n carrots]

I wanted to add that don't feel put off by the catty lunch crowd. I don't like to spend a lot of money on lunch if I don't have to, but it's also good to network with your co-workers too. What I will sometimes do is eat my lunch before I go out or after, and just join them for the conversation. Get a water, and just tell them you had already ate but you would enjoy the company nonetheless. That way you can get the best of both worlds...you don't spend money but you get to know your team.

Also...it's only your first week of work! As others have said I still struggle as a professional woman at times - there are always strange politics in offices and it's hard to figure them out. Just put your head down, work and be a friend to everyone. I think you will thrive here once you get through the first couple months of adjusting to life here. Not to mention, you have a lot going on personally too, so don't beat yourself up! As others mentioned make some friends too...up here there is a plethora of everything, and there is bound to be a group that matches up with your interest(s). Chicago is full of people like you who move up here without knowing a soul and are seeking out friends, so don't be shy and get yourself out there - you are bound to meet people looking to make friends!

[LucySnowe]

Mr. Snowe eats the same thing for lunch every single day - two ham and cheese sandwiches with mayo - and all the ingredients are bought at the store. Because who the hell wants to buy an overpriced sandwich every single day?

You are going through several major life changes - a new job, a move to a new city (involving a TORNADO), and the death of a parent. Any one of those would throw someone off-kilter.

'One day at a time' is a cliche, but in this case it's true. You can get to the end of the day. And then you get to the end of the next one.

Best of luck.

[greentree31]

Hi Ruth, I know that finances and fitting in at work are your top priorities now, but also remember not to become socially isolated. Try to meet some new people outside of work with interests similar to yours who might be potential friends and a support system when you get to know them a little better. Don't know if you like to work with animals or enjoy gardening, but I've found both groups full of kind, generous people who don't give a damn about what you wear or any other externals. I'm sure there are many other groups of people that would love to have another member.

As an introvert, I find it difficult to socialize, and would often rather stay at home and read a book in my free time, but I always feel happy after I work at one of the groups I belong to. I find that getting involved with people who are not judging me on how I look or demanding perfection in my work a relief from the crap I have to endure while at work.

Just take one day at a time, and remember that you are moving closer to a better life.

[hywelis]

Ruth, I'm not very well tonight, but I'm going to come back and post about changing the bad tapes in your head. It's something I did to overcome verbal and emotional abuse, something I read about in a forum for people with toxic relatives. It's closed now or I'd give you the link in a PM.

It's long to explain and it's not easy work but it's so, so liberating.

Hugs.

Hywelis

[Kellbells]

Ruth,

I want to agree with everyone here who posted that we all feel the same way! I've been in the same industry for 10 years. I know the ins and outs and I've been very successful. But when I switched companies last year, I felt and still feel sometimes like a little kid playing office. I felt and still feel unqualified and incompetent...doing the same job I've been very successful at. Heck, when I got an award at my old company, I felt like an imposter because I felt like I was successful only due to circumstance and luck.

It's ok and perfectly normal to feel like this. Everything will feel better in a week or two.

Re lunches: I've taken my lunch almost everyday for years. It makes more sense financially. Plus, I like to wolf down a sandwich and then go sit outside on a bench and read.

Re clothes and makeup: my uniform is cheap black pants and cardigans for the most part. I have a couple pieces of dressy jewelry that I got cheap at a thrift store that dress it up. For suits, I recommend JCPenney. Their Worthington line is well made an on sale, I can get both pieces for less than $60. If you want to know more about makeup, go to any Clinique counter. They'll show you how to do things for free. Seriously, I am sad to admit that I've gotten makeup done for a wedding under the guise of 'let me see your new eye shadow.' Plus, I don't have to buy mascara, eye shadow or lipstick for years from shopping their bonuses.

Chin up! This is small potatoes compared to what you've already been through. YOU GOT THIS!!! :)

[Rowan]

Ruth, those other women couldn't survive 10% of what you have done. DO NOT let them control you and your emotions or undermine your self-respect.

I echo what a lot of others have said. And one of my cousins that lives in Chicago (I have several) is a aestitician (or however you spell it) and massage therapist. What that means is she is AMAZING with makeup and also is with hair too. She's young and struggling despite amazing family support (don't feel like you are the only one and most have so many more advantages). She's also been off-again-on-again with an abusive boyfriend - I'm sure she could learn a lot from you.

If you want, I can see if she is willing to meet up to give you lessons or tips and tricks, whatever. It could do both of you good.

[razingruth]

I just got home and am planning to write more personal responses tomorrow, but for tonight -I am too worn out. Volunteered to stay extra hours today because catty lady #2 was sick.

[Lillybee]

Good for you, Mary/Ruth. I hope that that will be recognized.

[dianapavelovna]

Aww, Ruth. Reading your post from Tuesday made my heart ache. I saw so much of myself in it, and I am fortunate enough to have a loving family who is supportive financially and emotionally. You have gotten lots of great advice in this thread and on the comments on your blog. I hope it'll be helpful. I want to offer two absolutely free and simple techniques that I use a lot when I am anxious about my job or my looks or everything I don't have. First - deep breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth, and hold it for a few seconds in between. Second - repeating a mantra to yourself. My current one is "I am calm, confident, and competent." Both of these things have helped me focus and manage my anxiety and fear to an extent. Maybe one or both could be helpful for you as you navigate this transition and wait to find therapy/psychiatric services. Take heart - you're going to make it!

I hope you won't feel obligated to reply to everyone personally in this thread. I know we all enjoy your posts and hearing how you're doing, but writing lots of replies can be time-consuming and emotionally draining, and you already have plenty on your plate.

Finally, if you would like or need any help like food, assistance with utilities, lower-cost mental health services, etc., check out the agencies funded by the local United Way. That's generally a good place to start to find agencies that work in your area and could be helpful. See uw-mc.org/partners/agency-programs/

[hywelis]

I just got home and am planning to write more personal responses tomorrow, but for tonight -I am too worn out. Volunteered to stay extra hours today because catty lady #2 was sick.

Please do take your own time!

Kudos on volunteering to stay extra hrs., that's what being professional is, not makeup and such nonsense.

Go, Ruth-Mary!

Hywelis