All things Razing Ruth

[TheLurkingFrumper]

Parking sux hard. In the winter, it is hilarious the different objects people use to place dibs on street parking after digging out of snow...I've seen lawn chairs, coat racks, tables, cornhole games etc.

Oh, I have to know! What exactly is a "cornhole game"? Because is sounds highly inappropriate, but effective. I certainly would never interrupt two people playing "cornhole games." :lol:

[Cookie778]

THe game of "Cornhole" is akin to "bean-bag toss" that I knew as a kid.

You have two boards that has a hole in them, and the goal is to throw the bean-bag (or ball) into the hole in the board. How it got the name of "cornhole", that still mystifies me today.

[bionicmlle]

Goddamnit I want a muffin. Thanks a LOT, Jingers. Now I am about to raid the fridge (and/or Pinterest to find a recipe for my browning bananas).

[chaotic life]

I highly recommend you hook into FreeCycle. It might take you some careful watching the offerings, but you should be able to furnish your apartment completely free through FreeCycle offerings. It might not be stuff you want to keep the rest of your life, but it will be better than sitting on the floor of an empty apartment to get you set up and you can then replace stuff as you find better/can afford it.

It's been 16 years since I lived in Chicago, but I think you might find you fit in well into this new life you are entering. Congratulations. I know it's a LOT harder with no educational foundation and not family safety net to find your way in this world. These are standard issues that aged out foster children face. However, you ARE making it. You should be immensely proud of yourself and what you are stayed the course and fought to make of your life. YOU were worth that fight.

[Rowan]

THe game of "Cornhole" is akin to "bean-bag toss" that I knew as a kid.

You have two boards that has a hole in them, and the goal is to throw the bean-bag (or ball) into the hole in the board. How it got the name of "cornhole", that still mystifies me today.

I think because the bags are traditionally filled with dried corn instead of beans. So you try to get the corn bags into the hole in the board. The game is usually accompanied by drinking of course.

[lizziesmom]

I think because the bags are traditionally filled with dried corn instead of beans. So you try to get the corn bags into the hole in the board. The game is usually accompanied by drinking of course.

It's a very popular tailgating game.

[clarinetpower]

I second the freecycle. You can also request things you need, and often you'll get great stuff. Also getting a metra pass or whatever it's called there. My cousin lives in Chicago, and driving/parking is a pain. When we visit, we call ahead, they go outside and find a parking spot and stand in it, on the phone with us, to direct us where to go. If they didn't, it would be gone in minutes. Chicagoans get really good at parallel parking in teeny weeny spots. :)

I am so happy for you, Mary Ruth, and am excited to hear how things go for you. You are going to do great!

[Black Aliss]

What I meant - and maybe wasn't clear about - was the problem when I don't know HOW something will be shipped so I don't know if I should give them my street address or my box. And sometimes websites flat-out refuse to even accept a box address. But in a large area I wouldn't necessarily trust UPS or the like to drop a package with a box address on it at the post office at all - around here, they certainly have the time, but in crazy suburbia? Dunno. It certainly is more secure than dropping a box by the door, even though around here that is not a worry of mine.

I live in an area where the meth-heads routinely rob the mailboxes, so if I'm ordering merchandise or expecting a check I have it sent to my office. I may be lucky that my employer is totally cool with my doing that.

[Lillybee]

Best wishes for your first day at work. Since it is the end of a semester sometimes students just want to get rid of their furniture and give it away.

[Mama Mia]

The craigslist free stuff section in my area always has tons of free couches, dressers, beds, tv's etc..

[Peas n carrots]

Best wishes for your first day at work. Since it is the end of a semester sometimes students just want to get rid of their furniture and give it away.

Dumpster divers can do pretty well in Chicago too....lots of people are too lazy to move their funiture, and they just leave it outside in the alley. However, you are competing with people who drive through the alleys and pick up stuff for a living. Also, you have to be careful of bedbugs...make sure if you get something to clean it down really really well.

I live in a larger building and tons of stuff gets left out in our alley all the time...I can put up a flier in my building to see if anyone who is getting rid of furniture would hold it and I could forward their contact info to you.

[hywelis]

I'm very happy you reached your new home and you're getting settled in. Fingers crossed for you!

Hywelis

[anjulibai]

Hey Ruth, I've been meaning to post this (long time blog reader, used to comment, but can't now for some reason):

Try talking to a bank about getting a short term loan (not a payday loan). If you explain that you just started a job that you had to move across country for and that you don't have anything to start out, but will be paid decently, they may be willing to give you a small loan (say $1000), that you can pay back at about $100-$150 a month.

This will help you in the long term as it will help establish and/or keep up your credit, as long as you make the payments.

A few years ago my financial aid for grad school didn't go through, and I had to take out my tuition from the bank (it was about $2000) and my husband and I were able to pay it off in a year.

Just a thought.

[GodHatesFigs]

Freecycle is a great idea, but bedbugs are enough of a pain that it might be smart to avoid upholstered stuff.

I lived in Chicago for 5 years, and I barely used my car the year I had it there. As you discovered, the parking is a PITA, and public transport is often a much better deal (I did appreciate the car for grocery shopping, though). Also, be sure not to keep anything in sight in your car -- smash and grabs are not uncommon. Also, if you can get a cheap bike, they're great there for neighborhood errands, but buy a good lock, lock up your wheels if they have an easy removal mechanism, and keep the bike inside overnight (I learned from experience and ended up spending a good portion of my first paycheck replacing a bike wheel).

Groceries are expensive in Chicago relative to anywhere else I've lived, and as someone already mentioned, Aldi can be your friend for groceries (IIRC, they stick pretty close to the national pricing, so you might end up paying 1/2 of what you would elsewhere for things like milk, bread, and cereal). My local Aldi also had some leftover garden furniture from a recent promotion, and stuff like that can be a good stopgap until you can get more permanent stuff.

Good luck! I hope that you love your new job and get a chance to enjoy all the opportunities in the city. Chicago Cultural Center is a (free) favorite of mine. Despite all my stories of parking, prices, and property crime, I love Chicago!

[Kellbells]

Catching up and thought I'd give a quick post to say I hope your first day went well!! Good luck, kick butt and take names! :)

[Peas n carrots]

Freecycle is a great idea, but bedbugs are enough of a pain that it might be smart to avoid upholstered stuff.

I lived in Chicago for 5 years, and I barely used my car the year I had it there. As you discovered, the parking is a PITA, and public transport is often a much better deal (I did appreciate the car for grocery shopping, though). Also, be sure not to keep anything in sight in your car -- smash and grabs are not uncommon. Also, if you can get a cheap bike, they're great there for neighborhood errands, but buy a good lock, lock up your wheels if they have an easy removal mechanism, and keep the bike inside overnight (I learned from experience and ended up spending a good portion of my first paycheck replacing a bike wheel).

Groceries are expensive in Chicago relative to anywhere else I've lived, and as someone already mentioned, Aldi can be your friend for groceries (IIRC, they stick pretty close to the national pricing, so you might end up paying 1/2 of what you would elsewhere for things like milk, bread, and cereal). My local Aldi also had some leftover garden furniture from a recent promotion, and stuff like that can be a good stopgap until you can get more permanent stuff.

Good luck! I hope that you love your new job and get a chance to enjoy all the opportunities in the city. Chicago Cultural Center is a (free) favorite of mine. Despite all my stories of parking, prices, and property crime, I love Chicago!

I love your username GodHatesFigs.

Despite the PITA things mentioned I love it here too. In my very biased opinion summers in Chicago are the best. There are lots of freebie or cheap things to do...there is a Facebook group called Free Stuff To Do In Chicago that posts stuff to do. THere are also festivals in Grant Park virtually every weekend, and most of the time they are free. There are also free movies in many of the city parks in the summer, but check in with your 'burb's Parks & Rec department. Some of the Northshore and Inner 'burbs have lots of free/low cost activities as well.

In addition to Aldi a lot of small ethnic grocery stores are less expensive as well. I generally avoid Sunset, Dominick's and Jewel...I find them to be expensive and their produce to be unimpressive. Hispanic grocers tend to have great produce and meats at reasonable prices. You can get good deals at Mariano's Fresh Markets too.

[hywelis]

Ruth, I can't comment on your blog but I really want to send you my support right now.

Your father was not right. He was wrong. The whole "not being able to claim success on your own" is a classic line by emotiional abusers. My father used to spew that bs too. You know what? I'm going to be 40 in September and I'm realizing more and more that no one can "claim success on their own". We all depend on other people to various degrees.

I know things are very scary right now. I wish you didn't have to put up with the whole makeup and hair thing, I wish we lived in a world where we're judged on our performance, not on what we look like. It enrages me that we don't. Try not to mind as much as possible, and keep on being professional, as you are, in the true sense of the word. In how you work and how you perform.

New jobs are scary in the beginning. It will get better.

Hugs if you want them.

Hywelis

[martian]

Mary Ruth needs some cheering up. http://razingruth.blogspot.com/2013/06/what-made-me-believe.html

Ruth, being brave is not about how terrified you feel, it's what you do despite the terror. Nobody who can drive herself across the country alone into an unknown future to seize on the opportunity of fulfilling her dreams can be called a coward. Nobody who has a brush with a tornado, stops just long enough to get roadworthy again, and then gets back on the trail is a child unable to take care of herself.

You were deliberately handicapped as a child which is, so far as I'm concerned, an unspeakable thing for parents to do. You were never intended to take care of yourself - ever. What you have accomplished despite that conditioning is amazing. From what you've written about her, the woman your mother was before your father got finished with her would be proud of you. Maybe even the woman she still is in some secret corner of her heart. Your grandparents, your mother's parents, would be proud, too.

Your father tried his best to carve out a throne in your brain where he could sit forever ruling your life by what he claimed was divine right. Time to overthrow the king.

[uber frau]

Yep, what she said. Especially when you consider the extent to which he intentionally undermined any hint of independent thinking as you were growing up. Your childhood hugely disavantaged you when it came to becoming a productive member of society, but here you are. I had a fundie upbringing thay was nowhere near as harsh as yours (an at very least Ihad a decent education) but I can think of only a small handful of children who have left that faith community, there would be far less if we'd had as poor a start in life as you did.

[ThisOlGirl]

What kind of stuck in 7th grade asshole makes catty remarks about someone eating a PB&J for lunch? Ruth, as long as your boss can see you're doing a good job, try not to worry about those people. You've come so far, there's no reason you can't continue to go as far as you want. Not to sound like a total dork, but I wish I could send you a copy of Oh, The Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss right this very minute just to cheer you up a little (or maybe I'm just all weepy because my oldest is graduating from high school in a few days :lol: ).

[martian]

And another thing, taking a lunch to work is thrifty and sensible. Your catty co-workers can kiss my broke ass. People with manners that obviously bad shouldn't be throwing stones.

And don't worry that you're "not at the level they are", because you don't actually know what level they are. Ten to one some of them are fronting and ought to be joining you in a sensible bag lunch. And frugal is cool now, haven't they heard? Besides, the level of people rude enough to make catty comments about other people's food (or hair! or make-up!) is not one to aspire to.

Yeah, totally what ThisOlGirl says, too! A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S.

[anjulibai]

Hi Ruth, I just wanted to say I'm feeling in a similar way to you about my own life, and I wasn't raised in anyway similarly to you. I'm an only child of divorced parents, and my father is gay.

I think this is a normal emotion to have when your life is in transition. I wish I could say something to make it better, but I wanted you to know that the feeling of being incapable, of being 29 (I'm 29 right now, too) and not feeling like a real adult, is something others share.

Your feelings aren't being your father was right, but because you've been through a great deal of trauma in your life (I have too). That trauma is what holds you back, I think, by making you afraid of the world and of yourself - precisely what it was designed to do.

Don't let it - easier said than done, I am acutely aware, but that's just what you have to do.

Lots of hugs - at the very least remember you aren't alone.

[lilith]

Don't feel bad about a packed lunch, my partner is the most senior person in his office (financial controller) and I pack his lunches every day when I pack my kids.

Professional hair and makeup is a fine balance - I don't know about trends in Chicago, but I've always found natural colours and a nice lipstick to be fine. If your hair isn't styled and is long enough then a bun or a chignon works.

If you have time to check out thrift shops you'll probably be able to find a skirt suit and a pants suit pretty easily that you can rotate tops with. It sucks that women are meant to have expensive and extensive professional wardrobes when men can get away with just a few suits, but its the way it is. A nice pair of heels will make you feel and look more professional.

It's hard fitting into a new workplace, especially at the same time as fitting into a new city, but you can certainly do it. While its more pleasant if you have friendly co workers, you can still succeed without them. You'll be judged on your professional performance and your relationship with your boss, not by your friendships with bitchy co workers.

Can you get a credit card where you pay no interest if you pay it off in full within the months or with a fee free honeymoon period? That could help and also give you the security of knowing that an emergency won't wipe you out.

Good luck!

[August]

Ruth, I agree so much with everything everyone has said. I have some practical tips that may help. (from a 40 year old who is still rolling over the money her parents gave her to buy a car 20 years ago, and still can't pay it back)

I am always terrified my first day at a job. I can guarantee you 50% of your co workers will turn out to be incompetent and 25% will turn out to be lazy.

The hair/makeup/clothes thing is humiliating, but something a LOT of people encounter their first few days at a new job. When I worked retail they told us in training to be sure to wear deodorant because often managers had to tell staff they smelled bad. Seriously. I try to be super dressy the first couple of days then bring it down to the level of that workplace to avoid repeating the time I was told to pay more attention to my hair (I don't think I've even been so embarassed before or since). You can also take notes of what people are wearing when you have an interview. If you're a size 12 or 14 I can send you some clothes. There are lots of youtube videos on makeup.

When you can't afford to go for lunch or drinks or whatever I'd make a self-deprecating comment that makes it seem temporary. Like "I'd love to, but I just moved so I had to pay utility deposits and three months of rent! I am sooo broke" or "Can I take a raincheck until next week?". You could pretend to have food allergies. Claim to have errands to run at lunch time. Say you're on a fitness kick before it gets too hot to walk at lunchtime.

Everyone is broke when they move, even when you earn a ton of money there's moving costs, plus a gap in pay checks. I'll bet those catty bitches were broke straight out of college, too.

I tell you what you should do, stalk each of the FJerites who've posted that they live in Chicago. Read back posts of any of them who have 100+ posts. If they seem legit and appeal to you, PM them and arrange a lunch date in a busy public place. You need friendly faces. You can do this.

[bluelady]

I know it's tough, but try not to be so hard on yourself.

You can absolutely claim your successes on your own. Wanna know why? Because there is no shame in asking for help when you need it. Two years ago, I moved halfway across the country. My SO, my two cats and I had nowhere to live, so we had to move in with my parents for three months. I was 32. My sister and my niece are currently living with my parents because she got a job in our hometown, her house isn't selling in her former town and she can't afford two mortgages. She's 30. So, no, not all 29 year olds have it together. They just look like they do.

I think you're incredibly brave to be doing what you're doing. Just worry about one day at a time. It will get easier.