All things Razing Ruth

[ILoveJellybeans]

Ruth, you are awesome!

[JMarie]

There's nothing wrong with PB&J sandwiches. I'm in my forties and I had one for lunch yesterday! (and now that I'm thinking about it, I might have one today!)

[NoQuiverNoCry]

I was thinking: Ruth Mary needs a mentor. Or maybe several mentors? Collectively, FJ is a goldmine of skill and expertise. What if Ruth were to connect with individual FJ members--people who want to offer their advice--who could help her make choices on specific things? For example, maybe someone could help her with putting work outfits together: Ruth could photograph herself wearing clothes she thinks are good for work, and then receive honest feedback about them. Maybe someone else could help with advice about integrating yourself into an existing office culture, making friends while keeping the work/personal boundaries intact, and heading off the mean girl rubbish.

I guess I'm thinking of a support network of mentors?

[moodygirl86]

Ruth, I usually find that people who look down on you because you don't spend as much as them are usually the same ones who keep moaning about how broke they are. Ignore them, they're a bunch of twats.

[August]

Ruth, I for one don't expect personal responses. You've got so much on your plate. I'm happy for you to have read, maybe got something yseful, and to have the loving support.

[nokidsmom]

There's nothing wrong with PB&J sandwiches. I'm in my forties and I had one for lunch yesterday! (and now that I'm thinking about it, I might have one today!)

That's right! P&J sandwiches were the food of the gods to me as a kid (and I loved them so much I insisted on eating them after a tonsilectomy) and I still have them.

Second the poster that the ones who make a big deal about spending money are the ones who turn out to be broke. Ignore them.

[thoughtful]

I just want to chime in, and with a slightly different perspective.

I know the people who posted about how it never changes, and about Imposter Syndrome, meant to be comforting, to assure you that you aren't alone. I hope it had that effect. I just want to make sure that it doesn't make you think that you will still be going into work with a knot in your stomach for years and years!

I, too, have survived nasty, insecure fellow students in school, then co-workers. How cruel and idiotic people could be absolutely floored me -- I couldn't imagine being like that. I am, by nature, very, very sensitive.

I learned to recognize that my "naivety" about mean, shallow people was actually a great thing -- eventually, some combination of my natural introversion and my upbringing gave me the basis to turn into a person who just shrugs that stuff off.

When I was young, I was astounded that someone would waste their time acting like that, and very hurt by it. As I got older, I remained astounded that someone would waste their time acting like that, :lol: and realized that how silly it was constituted a reason why I shouldn't be hurt by it any more.

The suspicion that they were "on" to something that I didn't understand because of some lack of sophistication on my part melted away, in time. I don't need to be "sophisticated" about nastiness, and shallow judgement of others.

Becoming a good "shmuck-ignorer" is a skill that can be learned. And the other decent people at work will find you.

I was also advised to do something similar to what I imagine Hywelis was talking about, but simpler. When reviewing the day in my head, or talking about it to others, instead of simply focusing on some bad thing that had happened, I thought honestly about how I had handled the bad thing.

Most of the time, I ended up realizing I had done pretty well (or very well), and that that was more important than what someone else had done or said.

Hang in there!

[wtylcf]

I love thoughtful's advice above. I, too, am terribly sensitive, and was chronically bullied as a child. It took so long for me to think of myself as someone who was deserving of respect, who ought to be treated well, and to judge the people who didn't treat me this way as the rude assholes they were. I don't have a lot to add, here, except to echo what others have already said: those people who mean-girled you are at fault, not you. It is terribly mean and judgmental to make a denigrating comment about someone's lunch. It is unkind to look down upon someone who can't afford to go out to eat. This reflects very badly on the people who did these things, NOT on yourself. For that reason, you shouldn't care what they think. They have, so far, proven to be the sort of people who are unkind to strangers, and those are probably not the kinds of people you want to become friends with. I hope there are some kinder co-workers with lovely personalities who you'll get to know in the next few weeks. I'll cross my fingers for you. In the meantime, please try to not feel too bad about yourself. We're all rooting for you.

[lizziesmom]

I was thinking: Ruth Mary needs a mentor. Or maybe several mentors? Collectively, FJ is a goldmine of skill and expertise. What if Ruth were to connect with individual FJ members--people who want to offer their advice--who could help her make choices on specific things? For example, maybe someone could help her with putting work outfits together: Ruth could photograph herself wearing clothes she thinks are good for work, and then receive honest feedback about them. Maybe someone else could help with advice about integrating yourself into an existing office culture, making friends while keeping the work/personal boundaries intact, and heading off the mean girl rubbish.

I guess I'm thinking of a support network of mentors?

I think many of us are willing but Ruth has to be comfortable with the idea.

[lamariposa]

I'm sorry but the lunch comment, wtf. So uncalled for. I'm a teacher and yeah most of us brown bag but my husband has worked in the corporate offices of a cruise line for 15+ years and he has always brown bagged sandwiches, dinner leftovers, take out leftovers etc. He refuses to spend $15 daily for lunch and he isn't by far alone, especially in today's economy.

People like those women aren't worth the aggravation. Chin up, bb.

[lamariposa]

Ruth, I usually find that people who look down on you because you don't spend as much as them are usually the same ones who keep moaning about how broke they are. Ignore them, they're a bunch of twats.

You ain't lie. And they usually are bothered that you have the restraint they clearly don't. Like, it personally bothers them. I've worked with people like this and maybe it's because I'm a cheapskate at heart but I use to get a kick out of how butthurt they'd be when I didn't spend like they did.

[martian]

Anybody have suggestions or contact numbers for emergency mental health care in Chicago or the burbs that Ruth can access?

She's having a rough transition - http://razingruth.blogspot.com/2013/06/hating-this.html.

Ruth, can you call the counselor you were seeing in California to see if they have any professional contacts in the Chicago area they can connect you to? In my experience, therapists can be very willing to help out that way. Maybe you could even do a phone consult or therapy session with your previous therapist.

[Ex 2x2]

Ruth, I'm so sorry it's so rough. It can be so overwhelming to even try to get help when you are feeling so bad. I'm sure you've thought of this, but is there a medical clinic on campus that can see you? The other thing I can think of is if you can scrape enough together for an office visit for a doctor, they'll usually give a discount if you are uninsured, and they would probably be able to give you enough samples to get you through til your insurance starts to cover meds. It might take some calling around, which is hard when you are feeling like you are.

I don't know who you've seen in the past, but if possible, see a psychiatrist. I'm on meds for depression, and I found that even something that common is better treated by a psychiatrist than a general dr. They just have more experience with which meds are best for what.

[daisyfern]

So sorry to see Ruth continuing to struggle. Anxiety and depression can be paralyzing.

[TinyDancer87]

I want to punch all Ruth's co-workers.

Also, Ruth's story reminds me of the beginning of Devil Wears Prada, when Merryl disapproves of Andy's clothes, but then she totally kicks ass at her job! Woo! GO RUTH!

[mrs]

I think it maybe time to get a credit card. You are grown up with a grown up job now that will provide income to pay the balance at the end of the month. :) You will pay no interest when you pay it off each month. Take the step to apply for a card and then go to the doctor. You may even feel better once you have a credit card because you will a monetary safe guard for an emergency. I know I have panic attacks when money is tight but I relax knowing that I have a buffer. Just make sure to set an emergency fund in the future so you have an additional buffer.

Have you updated your car insurance for your new address? The policy may be cheaper and you might receive a check for those days you have been paying for a CA policy instead of IL policy. Idk if it is cheaper but I had a similar experience and received a check. Also, try to have less then the maximum tax deduction taken out of your pay check. So at the end of he year you owe close to nothing or receive a smaller check the if you have the maximum withdrawn. That should free up some additional cash flow once you do get paid.

Ruth you can does this!

[martian]

Something that just occurred to me, Ruth, how well are you eating? From a few things you've said, you seem to be having some food insecurity right now. I know that when I'm not eating properly it has a terrible effect on my mental state, and being more careful about my nutrition is one of the quicker fixes for starting to get back on track. Not being *able* to do much better about my nutrition for whatever reason is a whole other level of added stress, too.

Maybe this is going to come off as trivial, but is it possible a few good meals would help some?

I know a good night's sleep would help. Are over the counter remedies out of the question?

[mrs]

Sorry, I mean with holdings instead of deduction.

[Rowan]

Easier to post here than on the blog, so I hope you see this Ruth -

Mental Health Crisis Intervention........................1-800-248-7475

Suicide Prevention/Crisis Intervention.................1-800-248-7475

from the Mental Health Association of Greater Chicago. Your situation clearly fits for that number.

http://www.mentalhealthchicago.org/info ... is-hotline

You have been through A LOT recently. Don't feel like what is going on right now is a failure or a step back or a sign in any way. I wouldn't be surprised if your brain kind of shut off a lot of things in the need to get yourself to Chicago ASAP and while dealing with everything you had going on during that trip. Now that you are established there, there might have been a big "dump" of everything hitting you and it's overwhelming. But that's ok and it's not abnormal. Just take it day by day or even hour by hour - figure out the things you have to do (pack lunch, shower, go to work, grocery shop) and let the rest fall in place depending on what mental/emotional/energy resources you have remaining. I hope you are able to get the help you need to navigate you through this. :group-hug:

[outrunningzombies]

http://tpoint.org/

They're in Skokie and I don't know where you are but maybe they can help.

I only see one psychiatric ER in Chicagi and it is in a very scary neighborhood. If you feel like you're in crisis, don't be afraid to go to an ER. Go to a big flagship teaching hospital, not a small community one. They'll have more psych resources. Go on your weekend because it will probably take awhile. Don't tell them you're suicidal unless you truly are. Ask to talk to a social worker while you're there; they know a ton about resources.

Above all, take it one day at a time and remember you are strong and courageous.

[Just_Jane]

You've had three of the most stressful event in a persons life all happen in a short amount of time. The death of your father which came with added baggage. Then this move and a new job. Even moving was a huge stressful event. Now you are settling in and it's just all rushing to the surface at once. Don't for a minute think you are a failure or that it's a sign to go back.

The other thing I wanted to say is that when we see people at work or in public we only see their public face. The reality of their life may be a big difference. Someone who looks like they have it all together may in fact go home and cry in the shower because its the only place in their life where they can cry alone. So don't see your struggles as not having what it takes or as a sign that you don't have things together.

Take each day as it comes. If 24 hours is too much take it hour by hour or minute by minute.

[pboreos]

Ruth,

Check to see if there are any hospice services in your area that offer counseling. My father died suddenly last year and my dr referred me to one that offers free counseling to anyone that has had a death in their family for counseling. My father lived several states away from me, so it's not like he had to be a patient of that particular hospice service. I don't live in the biggest area, so there may be something like that in your city and it could help to get you through until the benefits kick in.

[Lillybee]

Hang in there, Mary/Ruth, if I was a praying person I would pray for you but I am wishing you all the best. You are such an amazing person that I am in awe. You will survive and get through all this stress.

[SheWoreLemon]

Hey Ruth-- I'm sorry things are so rough right now. You *are* going to make it through this. I second that you should call your doctor in California--and your counselor too. They'll understand it's an emergency situation and will help you out as much as they can. Remember that you've already impressed some people with your dedication to finding elusive sources--you are doing a kick-ass job at your job!

Stuff I do when I can't sleep and I'm anxious:

1. Eat a snack that's an equal amount of carbs and protein, like bread and some peanut butter or meat. The carbs help you get to sleep, and the protein helps you stay asleep.

1a. Sleep hypnosis for depression video by Jodi Whitely

. She has a whole Youtube channel http://www.youtube.com/user/jodywhiteley?feature=watch

2. Watching these animated classical music pieces help me zone: http://www.youtube.com/user/smalin?feature=watch

3. Find a movie to watch on Youtube: http://www.reddit.com/r/fullmoviesonyoutube/top/

4. This is one-hour of relaxing background music while looking at a candle:

5. Very Best of Enya http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=img8hbAi ... A3E768913A

6. Ballet instruction videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMO3S550 ... A3E768913A

7. I don't know if you know about Hulu.com--you can watch the last 5 episodes of most TV shows for free there.

8. Go to Pandora.com Enter "The Bangles" when it asks for a group, and you get happy 1980's girl band music.

[SheWoreLemon]

Now to mental health resources--you said you're in the suburbs, so I've tried to find places that have a location there. (I know my numbers are all messed up, I went back and ranked them by how close they might be to you).

1. NAMI (National Advocates for the Mentally Ill)-- http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Sectio ... Finder.cfm I used to work for NAMI--they will have a much better list of resources than I can think up. They also can tell you where to find local support groups.

1a. Pboreas mentioned contacting a hospice. Midwest Palliative Care offers free individual and group counseling for grief. This could be a really good resource, since your relationship with your Dad was so complex. (Don't think you can't call because you're also going through job and location change). http://www.carecenter.org/grief-support They might only be able to help if your dad was one of their patients, but it doesn't indicate that on their website.

2. http://www.drparisiandassociates.com/ Recommended by someone on your blog. Offers a sliding scale. Map with locations here: http://drparisiandassociates.com/800-e- ... t-il-60056

7. Chicago Women's Health Center (recommended by someone on your blog). Sliding scale. Map with location is here: http://www.chicagowomenshealthcenter.org/find-us

8. Aunt Martha's, an agency in Chicago that provides psychiatric/counseling services regardless of ability to pay. Their phone number is 1-877-692-8686 (Another blog recommendation).

Link to map for psychiatric services (med management) http://www.auntmarthas.org/Services.asp ... Psychiatry.

Link for therapy services: http://www.auntmarthas.org/Services.asp ... th-Therapy

Link for general counseling (must be a resident of Vermillion County) http://www.auntmarthas.org/Services.asp ... ngServices

2. The Family Institute at Northwest--has locations in Northbrook, LaGrange, Naperville, Evanston and Chicago. Says they try to help everyone, regardless of ability to pay. "Find a Therapist" section here. http://www.family-institute.org/therapy ... aff-search Locations and phone numbers here: http://www.family-institute.org/about-us/locations

1. Holbrook Counseling Center--they're a division of Catholic Community Services (but counseling is completely non-denominational). Fee is based on what you can pay, $20-$120. Locations in the suburbs--. http://www.catholiccharities.net/holbrook/locations/ Call 312-655-7725 to find a therapist.

5. City of Chicago Public Health--link to map of locations. (You might still be eligible even if you live in the suburbs). http://www.cityofchicago.org/city/en/de ... erapy.html

6. Community Health Centers of Chicago To make an appointment or for more information, please call 773.769.0205 or 773.303.3000 Locations: https://www.c4chicago.org/about-us/loca ... ntact-info