"Dear Future Husband" blogger is now depressed

[burntnorton]

The whole letters to a future spouse thing is extremely unhealthy. I read a letters to my future wife blog by a guy who is a nurse, supposed political figure, and all around legend in his own mind. It's scary and sad. He has all these expectations of his future wife, their courtship and life together, and himself that are based on a very immature and inexperienced understanding of life, women, love, parenthood, sex, and just about everything. He has already written his story before he actually lived it and he will either miss out on opportunities for something real because it doesn't fit the narrative, or will find that something that seemed to start out the way he wanted doesn't play out according to his expectations. If he ever gets a wife, she will dissapoint him, he will dissapoint himself, and it will all end in heartbreak. The same will happen to this girl. Trying to force your life to fit a narrative you dreamy up when you were young and dumb is a recipe for disaster.

[AVENues]

I'm going to show this to my daughter to remind her that she should not base her life on waiting for someone else to come to her. She will need to chart her own course, doing something that she likes to do, making friends and having relationships that she initiates. Because if you plan your life around doing nothing other than waiting for Mr. Right, you may have no life at all.

We should send this one to Amy Duggar too. She just posted some crab to "her future husband". Some really depressing crab.

[laura oz]

Somewhere there is an Arndt boy waiting for a wife to drop from the sky. I wish I could introduce them. Maybe they'd be a match?

[nokidsmom]

I think the parents get that, which is why Sarah Maxwell is still in, er Maxhell, and why Duggarlings have not been married off yet. It's the SAHD's that don't get the critical thinking skills that a decent education would give them, get brainwashing instead, and who believe that God will hand them a husband. Very sad.

Bolding mine. Even in non-fundy households, overprotective, sheltering-type parents can be very reluctant to see their kids leave and therefore can be totally fine with them sticking around Mr. / Ms. Right shows up. My folks were examples of this. It's up to the adult child to decide to take the steps necessary to help bring about this possibility by getting out, moving out, meeting people, going places, etc. A brainwashed SAHD is not going to do this.

[nokidsmom]

The whole letters to a future spouse thing is extremely unhealthy. I read a letters to my future wife blog by a guy who is a nurse, supposed political figure, and all around legend in his own mind. It's scary and sad. He has all these expectations of his future wife, their courtship and life together, and himself that are based on a very immature and inexperienced understanding of life, women, love, parenthood, sex, and just about everything. He has already written his story before he actually lived it and he will either miss out on opportunities for something real because it doesn't fit the narrative, or will find that something that seemed to start out the way he wanted doesn't play out according to his expectations. If he ever gets a wife, she will dissapoint him, he will dissapoint himself, and it will all end in heartbreak. The same will happen to this girl. Trying to force your life to fit a narrative you dreamy up when you were young and dumb is a recipe for disaster.

While in college, I knew some fundie-lite types that did this. Both men and women. They had their future spouse / marriage all mapped out, had it all down how it was going to work. They often passed on people who didn't fit their "plan"; after a while it kinda became known who they were and either they had no dating life or they managed to find someone that fit and held on it for dear life.

[rward]

The whole letters to a future spouse thing is extremely unhealthy. I read a letters to my future wife blog by a guy who is a nurse, supposed political figure, and all around legend in his own mind. It's scary and sad. He has all these expectations of his future wife, their courtship and life together, and himself that are based on a very immature and inexperienced understanding of life, women, love, parenthood, sex, and just about everything. He has already written his story before he actually lived it and he will either miss out on opportunities for something real because it doesn't fit the narrative, or will find that something that seemed to start out the way he wanted doesn't play out according to his expectations. If he ever gets a wife, she will dissapoint him, he will dissapoint himself, and it will all end in heartbreak. The same will happen to this girl. Trying to force your life to fit a narrative you dreamy up when you were young and dumb is a recipe for disaster.

My husband and I got along a whole lot better once we dumped all the "supposed tos" and "perfect spouse" and "romantic movie" crap and just dealt with each other and created the life we wanted. I don't think our life together would appeal to most, but it suits us perfectly.

[Jinger Jar]

The whole letters to a future spouse thing is extremely unhealthy. I read a letters to my future wife blog by a guy who is a nurse, supposed political figure, and all around legend in his own mind. It's scary and sad. He has all these expectations of his future wife, their courtship and life together, and himself that are based on a very immature and inexperienced understanding of life, women, love, parenthood, sex, and just about everything. He has already written his story before he actually lived it and he will either miss out on opportunities for something real because it doesn't fit the narrative, or will find that something that seemed to start out the way he wanted doesn't play out according to his expectations. If he ever gets a wife, she will dissapoint him, he will dissapoint himself, and it will all end in heartbreak. The same will happen to this girl. Trying to force your life to fit a narrative you dreamy up when you were young and dumb is a recipe for disaster.

This is pretty much my thinking on the whole 'letters to a future spouse' thing.

[lilah]

I have been crying for about an hour now, off and on. I can’t explain why I feel the way that I feel right now. I cannot explain the shortness of breath. I cannot explain the overwhelming feeling of sadness. I cannot explain the pain in my chest that I am feeling at this very moment.

The reason is that you are depressed. You have been raised to believe your only value in life is to become someone's babyfactory/maid/chef and told this will be the most amazing fufilling awesome thing ever, but the only way you are going to somehow find this guy is by sitting at home twiddling your thumbs and waiting for him to magically darken your doorstep.

[fiery redhead]

The reason is that you are depressed. You have been raised to believe your only value in life is to become someone's babyfactory/maid/chef and told this will be the most amazing fufilling awesome thing ever, but the only way you are going to somehow find this guy is by sitting at home twiddling your thumbs and waiting for him to magically darken your doorstep.

Is anyone familiar with Sarah Mally's book? That chick is afraid of men, I swear. Heck, God did just about drop someone in her doorstep on a couple different occasions, but she knew they were "not the one" and she subtly bragged about literally running and hiding from a perfectly good Christian guy at her church.

This girl's blog is hilarious. This post is all sorts if irony:

[Aurora rising]

This is really depressing and I agree that sometimes one has to ... lower the unrealistic expectations. When I was single I had a list as well, Mr. Rising should be taller than I am, a good dancer, not more than 10 years older with long hair. What did I get? A 16-years-older turkish guy, divorced, 3 kids, cannot dance if his live depends on it and we´ll just not talk about hair. :lol:

Sometimes love comes in the most surprising outfits and if you have your "future husband" already in your head, it´s getting unrealistic.

[mockingbird]

Sarah Malley - while I can understand not being in the right mindset for a relationship... I do tend to think that life isn't always convenient so you might as well give something a try unless you truly know you're not in a good mental place for a relationship/you don't want one at all. Of course I think with her, she is probably afraid of marriage/men underneath it all and running away from that, or maybe she doesn't want the SAHM lifestyle? I wouldn't be surprised growing up in a fundy household - I know I'd be scared going from not touching my spouse at all to having sex with them in one day, for example.

This all reminds me of Sarah Brown and Sky Masterson in Guys and Dolls, and how Sarah has her future husband all planned out (he will NOT be a gambler!) and for Sky, the whole point is in relishing in how spontaneous love is and how he won't know until he knows.

5A1HWEub0hg

[Cleopatra7]

How would she react if some creepy guy knocked on her door one day and told her that god sent him?

I saw a show on ID where this pretty much happened. A devout Mormon woman thought she was having visions or something from God about her future husband/prophet and then this random guy shows up and starts talking about being sent from God. Of course, the whole relationship went downhill quickly since the guy was an evil grifter and forced her to get into stripping and prostitution, all in the name of God of course. Fortunately, she managed to escape, but it shows how easy it is to manipulate someone who things that God is going to send them someone who will make everything better.

[ari_belle]

"Do any of you see arranged marriages as the future solution in the SAHD world?"

Yes. I think we have already seen that happen in most families where patriarchy rules, including fundie families. Usually it's disguised by things like: guy spots girl at church/conference/etc and "prays on it" until god tells him to go for it, then talks to the dad (headship) about it who then introduces the idea to the girl. Or the parents just full on arrange for kids to spend time together knowing that they will obey whatever the parent say, and knowing it's the only member of the opposite sex they are likely to come in close enough contact with to marry.

However we also get the guy-meets-girl the regular way and then it's "spun" to fit the mold of the above, for testimony purposes, and to save face (especially if someone has a premee 7 months after the wedding..hehe). Testimonies are mostly fairy tales and I've enjoyed watching some evolve into more and more elaborate "god did it" types of things.

Like Jessa and Ben? He was a fan who came to their church to creep on Jessa, right? And now the story is that they "met at church." I believe that's how they put it on TV. That wasn't very honest, if you ask me.

[louisa05]

I have a friend who has a very long list of qualifications for her future spouse. She began it in seventh grade and it includes stupid romanticized crap like he must have a strong tenor voice and sing to her.

She is 42 and has never been on a second date.

[Closed Womb]

Is anyone familiar with Sarah Mally's book? That chick is afraid of men, I swear. Heck, God did just about drop someone in her doorstep on a couple different occasions, but she knew they were "not the one" and she subtly bragged about literally running and hiding from a perfectly good Christian guy at her church.

This girl's blog is hilarious. This post is all sorts if irony:

There was a thread on this very post:

viewtopic.php?f=8&t=17312&hilit=+Future+Husband

eta: "this very post" refers to the future husband message that didn't c/p

[ADoyle90815]

I saw a show on ID where this pretty much happened. A devout Mormon woman thought she was having visions or something from God about her future husband/prophet and then this random guy shows up and starts talking about being sent from God. Of course, the whole relationship went downhill quickly since the guy was an evil grifter and forced her to get into stripping and prostitution, all in the name of God of course. Fortunately, she managed to escape, but it shows how easy it is to manipulate someone who things that God is going to send them someone who will make everything better.

I saw that episode, where the woman was manipulated by an evil person because she believed that God would send her husband to her. Something like this could easily happen to a fundie woman, as the thing some creepy guy has to do is convince her and her family that he was sent by God.

[Georgiana]

IMO, one of the saddest things about the Fundie movement is that it teaches girls/women that the only true joys in life are marriage and motherhood. They're almost forced to wait around because nothing else in life is worth going after. But because they wait around, their value in their community depreciates as they get older, making it less and less likely that they'll ever get the life they want.

[keen23]

I just heard this song on the radio the other day, and it totally reminded me of our fundie girls-

roOP29KVaAo

Marie Miller is totally drinking the fundie kool aid.

[nausicaa]

I just heard this song on the radio the other day, and it totally reminded me of our fundie girls-

roOP29KVaAo

Marie Miller is totally drinking the fundie kool aid.

I'm confused by this song. The lyrics seem appropriate to a joke-y, tongue in cheek, country song, except she sings it in an incredibly earnest way (and she does have a nice voice) and the instumentation makes it seem as if it is supposed to be inspirational.

So she trusts the Lord to bring her someone special. Except she doesn't trust him. She wants to dictate all the details. And the details are incredibly superficial. But that superficiality apparently equals true love. What are believing listeners supposed to be taking away from this?

Reason #87 why I don't listen to praise music.

[Rebelwife]

I'm confused by this song. The lyrics seem appropriate to a joke-y, tongue in cheek, country song, except she sings it in an incredibly earnest way (and she does have a nice voice) and the instumentation makes it seem as if it is supposed to be inspirational.

So she trusts the Lord to bring her someone special. Except she doesn't trust him. She wants to dictate all the details. And the details are incredibly superficial. But that superficiality apparently equals true love. What are believing listeners supposed to be taking away from this?

Reason #87 why I don't listen to praise music.

OK, there's a lot of things I don't get about fundies - but I really, really, really don't get that song at all. :think:

[AllisonWndrland]

That song makes me incredibly sad. It is also going to be stuck in my head.

[DGayle]

How much do you want to bet she's envisioned a man so perfect that she's overlooked men who've been interested in her because she had no idea they were interested? She sounds so much like an old friend of mine who thought no man had been interested in her yet because God would bring her her husband and that would be that. Her eyes were closed to a sweet young man who brought her red roses she said were just friendship flowers. She couldn't see this young man trying to court her because she was sure God would send her a good man. I guess she thought there'd be a bright light above him saying "From GOD" or something. That sweet man finally moved on.

[keen23]

OK, there's a lot of things I don't get about fundies - but I really, really, really don't get that song at all. :think:

I totally thought it was a jokey song at first, especially since it was on a top 40 station, but then I looked up Marie Miller, and she's a "Contemporary Christian" artist. Now I think of the song as a Fundie Girl anthem (for those who are allowed to listen to contemporary music that is).

[snuggles911]

I just heard this song on the radio the other day, and it totally reminded me of our fundie girls-

roOP29KVaAo

Marie Miller is totally drinking the fundie kool aid.

Reminds me of "Wait for Me" by Rebecca St. James in which she tells her future husband she is saving herself for him and praying for him to do the same for her.

She ended up waiting another 10 years to get married, but last time I read an update they were very happy and had just had a baby.

[FJSharkJump]

Okay, wait, is Sarah Malley this "dear future husband" blogger?

Also, isn't SM the one with the younger SAHD sister that has the squeaky voice of a manic 13yo even though she is also a grown woman?