Closet Racist, Adoptive Mom, Annoying Narcissist ...

[patsymae]

"I've seen it on adoptive blogs of non-fundies too. Every time these kids exhibit undesirable behavior, it's RAD. Every time these kids defy adoptive mom and dad, it's RAD. Every time these kids exhibit grief over losing their bio families, it's RAD."

Thanks. Why is it a "disorder" to not bond with people who have taken you halfway around the world from everything you have ever known? From a child's perspective, what could possibly be the difference between being kidnapped by people you don't know, removed from everything you do know (including most likely your own language?) and being forced to take on a new identity, or being "adopted" by people you don't know, removed from everything you do know, and being forced to take on a new identity? Because in one case legal papers have not been signed and in the other case they have? THAT determines the effect on the child? If you bond with a kidnapper, you have Stockholm Syndrome. If you don't bond with an adopter, you have RAD.

"Failure", or perhaps "refusal" to bond with non-related strangers isn't a disorder, it's a normal response to trauma.

[France Nolan]

Interesting look at RAD from a psychiatric perspective, including proposed revisions for DSM V (I am SO excited to have to relearn diagnostic codes...): http://www.dsm5.org/Proposed%20Revision ... Review.pdf

[Morton Fan]

I know it's going to come as a shock, but ... "Mama" says it wasn't even good to see Rachel and she had the worst visit ever, and it's all Rachel's fault that she gained 5 pounds. In so many words.

ourjourneyoffaith.net/2013/05/a-looooong-and-haaaaard-weekend.html

ourjourneyoffaith.net/2013/05/discouraged.html

[Cheetah]

I know it's going to come as a shock, but ... "Mama" says it wasn't even good to see Rachel and she had the worst visit ever, and it's all Rachel's fault that she gained 5 pounds. In so many words.

ourjourneyoffaith.net/2013/05/a-looooong-and-haaaaard-weekend.html

ourjourneyoffaith.net/2013/05/discouraged.html

Thanks for bringing this thread back up... I love snarking on her. I'm dying to know what really happened on the trip. It's just so bizarre to me to expect a kid adopted at an older age to completely love all the new rules, restrictions, name, and country, and then when it isn't going well when they are in the midst of adolescence, stick them in a group home 600 miles away.

[Iovershare]

Oh. So. Sad. (smile)

I know at one point she was taking pricy diet pills that she was trying to sell. She can afford those but buying groceries is getting tough! Ugh, she has no self-awareness!

[bionicmlle]

I don't think she is using Xyng anymore.

I thought the the perspective from her husband on the visit was interesting. He felt good and hopeful while she has spiraled and is positively catastrophizing over a weight gain which is probably travel and salt related.

[ari_belle]

as usual, she makes.me.sick.

And if I were her adopted daughter and she put me away, I wouldn't.want.to.see.her.either.

And, if you can't tell, I'm so.tired.of.the.excessive.punctuation.

[NurseNell]

I don't think she is using Xyng anymore.

I thought the the perspective from her husband on the visit was interesting. He felt good and hopeful while she has spiraled and is positively catastrophizing over a weight gain which is probably travel and salt related.

Was she getting her Xyng from MckMama? :cracking-up:

[Dinorah]

This kind of crap makes me burn. On another board I was on, a mom recently adopted 3 girls from Ethiopia and spent about four days posting how she was rubbing coconut oil into their hair "for hours," a "whole jar of oil" and that their hair was still nappy and coarse. Within a few days, she was posting pics of the girls in blonde, straight-haired wigs.

Some people are downright crazy and cruel.

[Iovershare]

I don't think she is using Xyng anymore.

I thought the the perspective from her husband on the visit was interesting. He felt good and hopeful while she has spiraled and is positively catastrophizing over a weight gain which is probably travel and salt related.

It is interesting because she edited the part about their perspectives of the trip!

[Morton Fan]

It is interesting because she edited the part about their perspectives of the trip!

You're right!! Initially she had said Jim said it was "good to see her" but how "Mama" couldn't even agree to that, and that he had been discussing, "when we go back next time ..." but Laurel couldn't even think that there would be a next time. I'm glad she removed it, since it was atrocious. Here was part of it:

"While Jim says, "It was good to see her.",

I can't honestly even say that.

While Jim says, "Next time we visit _______.",

I can't even begin to think of another visit.

Now, don't think that Jim is the "positive one",

and I'm just the "negative and pessimistic one". No.

In another very difficult area of our life,

I am the one always looking for and finding a sliver of hope,

while Jim is the one that can't see any positive in it.

So, I guess it just depends on the day and the situation.

In a nutshell . . .

. . . Rachel clearly did not want us to visit.

(although she had asked us to come)"

[Morton Fan]

And I don't see a single dissenting comment, so methinks "Mama" is heavily moderating.

[Iovershare]

Also, her dirty scale picture skeeves me out!

I know I have posted comments before and she didn't publish them.'

She also had a whole post one day a few years back about where people were reading her blog from and she pointed out how some of them were reading at work and how evil they are for wasting time (this was all based on ip addresses!).

[idonthaveajname]

1) Bad eating one day does not make you gain 5lbs.

2) I can't even with this bitch.

[Cheetah]

You're right!! Initially she had said Jim said it was "good to see her" but how "Mama" couldn't even agree to that, and that he had been discussing, "when we go back next time ..." but Laurel couldn't even think that there would be a next time. I'm glad she removed it, since it was atrocious. Here was part of it:

"While Jim says, "It was good to see her.",

I can't honestly even say that.

While Jim says, "Next time we visit _______.",

I can't even begin to think of another visit.

Now, don't think that Jim is the "positive one",

and I'm just the "negative and pessimistic one". No.

In another very difficult area of our life,

I am the one always looking for and finding a sliver of hope,

while Jim is the one that can't see any positive in it.

So, I guess it just depends on the day and the situation.

In a nutshell . . .

. . . Rachel clearly did not want us to visit.

(although she had asked us to come)"

Wow, I think I missed that part.

Rachel's got to be pissed. I mean, really. If Laurel wants to save that relationship, she's got to be the adult and suffer through Rachel expressing a lot of well-deserved anger at her. And then hope they can come to an understanding about expectations on both sides. It's a positive step that Rachel asked them to come visit, but to expect that she's turned into some compliant adolescent who has no leftover resentment is really unrealistic.

[Morton Fan]

Wow, I think I missed that part.

Rachel's got to be pissed. I mean, really. If Laurel wants to save that relationship, she's got to be the adult and suffer through Rachel expressing a lot of well-deserved anger at her. And then hope they can come to an understanding about expectations on both sides. It's a positive step that Rachel asked them to come visit, but to expect that she's turned into some compliant adolescent who has no leftover resentment is really unrealistic.

I wouldn't be surprised if Rachel asked them to come visit because she thought they would take her home if they did. Maybe Rachel was mad when she realized they were going to make her stay. I can hardly imagine how resentful I would have been in her situation. I used to get mad and hope my mom had a change of heart when she grounded me in my room for an hour when I felt it was unjust.

[ILoveJellybeans]

If I was Rachel, I would be mad at her too. What kind of mother just dumps her kid somewhere and doesnt even bother to come and visit very often.

[Morton Fan]

If I was Rachel, I would be mad at her too. What kind of mother just dumps her kid somewhere and doesnt even bother to come and visit very often.

The kind of mother who says her grandson's presence on a 12-hour road trip was a blessing and a bright spot, but couldn't even say it was good to see her own daughter on the same trip.

ourjourneyoffaith.net/2013/05/a-bright-spot.html

[Iovershare]

It is so awesome. A post yesterday with how to reach someone who wants to "bless her" with a financial gift! She is even willing to drive to get it!

Looks the whole things was maybe a scam (i hope!)

[littlemommy]

Everything about it screamed "scam", except the country claimed was Canada instead of Nigeria.

[Cheetah]

It is so awesome. A post yesterday with how to reach someone who wants to "bless her" with a financial gift! She is even willing to drive to get it!

Looks the whole things was maybe a scam (i hope!)

What kind of person sends money to strangers on the internet just for the heck of it? That's just weird.

[Morton Fan]

What kind of person sends money to strangers on the internet just for the heck of it? That's just weird.

It was creepy how eager "Mama" was to make friends with the person just because they (allegedly) sent her money. And if they were real, they wished to remain anonymous, so I doubt they'd want her to drive up there and meet "Mama" for coffee.

[chaotic life]

I have a child who was once diagnosed with RAD and has since healed. I know from experience that RAD *is* real, and it's hard to deal with. However, I also know that my son was diagnosed via attachment therapy and a Psychiatrist, and the diagnosis is FAR too often overused and self-ascribed in adoption circles, especially those that don't believe in sound therapy services. Mama doesn't even know what DBT is, which is a HUGE red flag to me that NO professional EVER diagnosed that child with RAD.

All that said, the diagnosis of RAD is NOT a diagnosis meant to excuse poor parenting. It is meant as a roadmap and a constant reminder that no matter how personal a child's rejection of your love might feel, IT IS NOT PERSONAL.

The burden on a mother actually working with RAD is to love unconditionally without return of that love. Plain and simple. You love because every child deserves love. You love with the belief and expectation that they will NEVER love you back. You love to show the child that they can have safety and security even in the face of their distrust. You love with the expectation that someday they will realize they are safe because they have been consistently safe since they entered your care.

Mama put her child in a group home that doesn't provide therapy of ANY sort. She doesn't know basic therapy techniques and details NO information that she did any real therapy before throwing this child away. OF COURSE Rachel is going to be angry and conflicted. She has proven she is NOT safe and she does NOT love unconditionally.

When I brought a teenager into my house, it was without any expectation that they would bond and love us. It was with the expectation that we would negotiate social contracts and they would respect the rules of my household. In return, they would receive all of the privileges that being a teenager in my household provides. The child has all of their physical needs met, an abundance of food available (and their own personal fridge to store stuff and help with their food insecurity, possessions, toys, a cell phone, activities, friendships, etc, etc. In return, the child follows our rules, receives all mental health services they need, education, strong advocacy and protection. We also gave the child the promise of security and safety net for when they grow up that they will never be homeless or hungry. If that was all the relationship provided for said teenager or us, then it would be ENOUGH. We could live with a teen whose life had been tossed and turned simply not being attached to us. Living with a rationally minded teenager required mutual respect, not reciprocity and attachment.

As it turns out, providing mutual respect and meeting emotional, physical, educational and medical needs without demands to get something in return goes a LONG way towards making a troubled teen feel safe and want to participate in family life. It's not the same as the children I brought into my home at younger ages and I don't expect that requirement. I'm thrilled that after a lifetime of adults failing them, a teenager could enter my home and accept ANY semblance of family life and attachment.

It INFURIATES me that you take a child who is a teen and had a lifetime of betrayal and you not only throw that child away but you have the nerve to be disappointed that the child doesn't want to be bonded to you!!! When you reject a child, they will respond in kind. Mama should have traveled to see her daughter with NO expectations and NO desire that her daughter give HER anything emotionally. It isn't about Mama. It's about a hurting, betrayed and abandoned CHILD. It's disgusting to see it be about the adoptive mother so much and Mama is one of the worst.

[adayinthelife]

I don't know if any of you read The Blessing of Verity but that Mom wrote a huge Q and A recently where she basically said that no one should be worried about large families adopting because they have to go through so many hoops and different agencies, so don't listen to detractors.

I don't mind that Mom so much but I so disagreed with her because of lunatics like this!

Plus, I think she was referring to a huge family that adopted 5 special needs children from Bulgaria within the last year and our traveling now to pick up three more. I don't care if the government signed off on that, that is insane collector behavior.

My heart breaks for this children who need so much more than these parents want to give. I think a lot of these fundie families get off on the whole "savior" bullshit. But you only "save" a child one. Then have to actually parent them.

[dairyfreelife]

Pork and Beans is back. They put Linzi in respite care in February and have tried to go for another adoption in China. Yes, really. And they were rejected because they put Linzi in respite care and are pissed about it too. They are never allowed to adopt from China again. So now they want a respite care situation to open up for them, though they could not handle Linzi.

porknbeansinchina.blogspot.com