New Low in Parenting Trends: Free Range Kids

[BelieveinScience]

Here are a list of things I have allowed my son to do or have done tha you may judge me for:

He is allowed to ride his bike anywhere except to cross the 6 lane street near our house. But since he is twelve that will probably be going away soon.

Make him wear a bike helmet.

Left him in a hotel room when he was 7 and we were in china to have a drink with my husband at the bar in the lobby.

Make him wear his life jacket when he takes his kayak out.

Left him in a hotel room I Cairo two different times so we could go smoke sheesha in the lobby downstairs.

Let him roam free on 6 different cruises.

Sit in the car when I run into the store.

Stay home by himself.

Go down to the lobby And get breakfast at a hotel in Rome, and places all over the world.

Swim in the Nile even though my tour book said it was a bad idea.

Eat whatever is in the house.

Fly to Washington, dc by himself.

Sit in a row away from his father and I both when we fly from San Francisco to Beijing and when we flew from Newark to Rome.

No one is allowed to swim in our pool without their parents there (we had a near drowning 4 years ago of my best friends daughter.)

He can't swim unless us or his grandparents are out there. But I will go run inside for something OT to use the restroom if he stays in the shallow end (he is a good swimmer, actually swims a mile every day, but why risk it)

But I will say this, my son is well traveled, has lots of experience in hotels and how to get us, he is well behaved, exceptionally. He understands that bad behavior like overeating, over snacking, lying, running or pressing all the buttons in an elevator, those things will make him loose the opportunities he has.

He will be 12 in two weeks and just a week and a half after than will be climbing kilimajaro with us. A mountain that can be dangerous. It is a balance, being safe but also encouraging our children to develop the skills you need as an adult. I know grown women who are scared to go downtown to the courthouse for jury duty without their husbands. I want more for my kid. If you think I am unsafe, oh well. That is your view. If you think I am overproetective, same thing. Of all the things in the world, this is the aspect of my parenting I feel we are perfect at for our kid in our family.

That's basically the type of stuff my parents let me did (minus the swimming in the nile becaue well I've never been out of the US). I think it helped me to be independent. I know my friends/roommates in college like freaked out when I told them I went to the mall in the "big city" by myself (I went to that mall easily 3x a month on my own) and that I went to attractions 2plus hours away on my own. I didn't see the big deal in but meh.

[Rosa]

Sometimes I think people used to be more careless about kids because they had more of them, and because EVERYONE had them so a lot of the parents were not really into parenting. You know?

I used to babysit (early '90s) in a neighborhood where one of the moms would just lock her kids out of the house all day. They could come in at bedtime. THey were always mooching around looking for something to do/eat/place to be. I don't know if she drank, or what. It was a nice suburban neighborhood but most of hte parents worked til 5 so those kids were totally on their own from when the school bus came til at least 5 or 6 pm. She might have been depressed or drunk or whatever, but I kind of figure moms like that were more prevalent in the '50s when there was so much pressure on everyone to have babies and less access to contraception and abortion.

[Maggie Mae]

Just an excuse for laziness? Hardly.

Topics at Free Range Kids have included:

The top five dangers to children according to statistics vs. the top five parental fears about danger to children: these lists do not match in any way, and parents need to educate themselves about the actual dangers.

What drowning looks like and how to prevent it.

Car seat installation dos and don'ts.

Actual crime rates vs. perceived crime rates and how to come down off the paranoia knife-edge.

How to raise children who have the ability to plan their own afternoon and the mental skills needed to assess potential danger.

What self-help and emergency response skills children can and should be taught by their parents.

Lenore Skenazy was branded the World's Worst Mom for sending her son off with a subway map and a sandwich at the same age that kids in her own generation were sent off with a subway map and a sandwich, in a decade when crime rates were higher than they are today. She is shining a light on national paranoia and commercial and meda abetment of same.

This.

[alaeangelorum]

Exactly. I took the train to school every day from when I was thirteen onward - on my own. I then walked to school from the station. Considering we don't have school buses or school districts here, so a lot of kids go to school at some distance from their homes, that's what most people do. There's nothing wrong with a kid over say 10-11 years old taking public transport by themselves. It won't kill them.

I will add a 'me too' to this - London Underground, every day from age 11, with 10 minute walks at each end. And my mum was a SAHM so she could have driven me if she wanted (and did when it rained!). There were loads of people + other schoolkids around.

I also have a feeling I may even have been allowed to walk at least part of the way to primary school when I was 10 on my own. I'm sure I've sat in the car on my own a lot too. I was also once on a forum where everyone seemed to be outrage that a (fictional TV) child had been allowed to light candles on her own (aged 11 or 12)!!!! I'm sure I was allowed to touch matches much earlier in life...

(Basically I think kids can be capable of a lot more than people think...though obviously it does depend on the child)

[freejoytoo]

I do remember feeling surprised when I read Are You There God, It's Me Margaret and Margaret's mother let her take the bus all the way to New York by herself - I was only just allowed to get a bus into town at the age (eleven/twelve).

[alaeangelorum]

And vaguely on-topic: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-18391663

See, even the Prime Minister can forget a kid. So could happen to anyone...

[Funky Chicken]

I will add a 'me too' to this - London Underground, every day from age 11, with 10 minute walks at each end. And my mum was a SAHM so she could have driven me if she wanted (and did when it rained!). There were loads of people + other schoolkids around.

I also have a feeling I may even have been allowed to walk at least part of the way to primary school when I was 10 on my own. I'm sure I've sat in the car on my own a lot too. I was also once on a forum where everyone seemed to be outrage that a (fictional TV) child had been allowed to light candles on her own (aged 11 or 12)!!!! I'm sure I was allowed to touch matches much earlier in life...

(Basically I think kids can be capable of a lot more than people think...though obviously it does depend on the child)

When I was 8, at the beginning of 1978 my parents put me on a plane unaccompanied in Addis Ababa, and I flew from there via a 12? hour stop in Bombay, thence to Perth, Western Australia. Of course the airline staff were great but I think a lot of parents these days would faint dead away hearing this. I had my passport in a calico bag on a string around my neck, with my name and address written in huge letters on the bag!

[2xx1xy1JD]

It is really easy to forget a baby in the car. Many of these situations happen when parents are trading off for daycare dropoff, and one parent is preoccupied or stressed and just forgets that it was his/her morning to drop off. If you have ever got in your car to run errands and found yourself on the way to work you know that you can get preoccupied and forget something. I think that every parent needs to realize that this could happen to anyone. If you think only bad parents do this, you are kidding yourself. I also have visual reminders in the car so that I don't forget the baby, especially if my older kids are somewhere else and it's just me and baby. That is when I am most afraid, because the routine will be different, the older kids gone, and the baby quietly sleeping could be more easily forgotten back there. A healthy amount of paranoia here can save you a lifetime of pain and regret. I love the idea of an alarm, BTW.

Ditto.

People need to fully realize that it's not uncommon, and can happen to anyone - because if they don't think that it could happen to them, they won't take active steps to prevent it. It needs to be automatic for parents to check the back seat every time they leave the car, and to put the purse in the back seat. If there's more than one child, I always made sure to bring in the sleeping baby in the car seat first, because that would be the child who was easiest to forget.

[Rosa]

Hell, in Beverly Cleary's book Henry Huggins, Henry is in THIRD GRADE and he's at the YMCA by himself (this is the first chapter, I think), finds a stray dog, talks to a bunch of strangers, then takes the dog home on the bus by himself. Not only does his mother not have a cell phone, when he uses his last dime to call her on the pay phone her only worry is that he be home in time for supper because she's home without a car and can't come get him.

[frumperlicious]

I'm a pretty free range parent, and I have caught some flack for it, but mostly from people who micro-manage their children to such an extent they must call and ask Mom, at age 10, before they have a cookie at my house. These are not kids with allergies or diabetes, they are just micro managed to such an extent they cannot say yes or no to the offer of a cookie...really.

My oldest DD started taking the bus across Seoul to see her friend as soon as she had enough language skills to say "Help me". My kids cook alone, stay alone, walk to appointments alone, and I do not think that is at all bad. *Could* they get kidnapped, molested and sold into slavery? Sure, but its about 1000% more likely they will die in a car crash and yet we drive every day.

I see her blog as the voice of reason in a world intent on infantilizing children into their 20's. (I can't spell that!). Its about pointing out the fact that kids can, and do, many things, and it is essential to raising them as autonomous people.

[Rosie]

YES! 1000X This! I remember the day that I took deep breath, opened the back door, and released my children. Kids need controlled environments where they can exercise some independence WITHOUT an adult there to tell them what to do. And I would certainly hope that my child would be able to ride a train at 17. I went to college when I was 17. Some of my kids friends cannot walk down the church hallway from one class to another without mom hovering right there to make sure everything is "ok" for the 50 meters between classes. Parents of 9 year olds who have to be right outside the choir room, their kid can't walk up a flight of stairs and meet mom in the lobby. Anything could happen on that flight of stairs surrounded by other kids and parents!!!111!!11!!!

Yes, 1000x this. The message this sends to a kid is, "you are not capable, you need me." This in turn creates a young adult with very limited capacity for navigating day to day life in the world.

Anything a child can do for himself, he should do for himself.

[tacky]

I've never heard the term Free Range Parenting before, but I definitely qualify. So far two of my children have made it to adulthood unscathed and they're appropriately independent and self-sufficient, so it's all good. I get that not everyone would be comfortable with this type of parenting, but it works for us.

[eohiken]

Mr Ohiken is a post secondary instructor. He has to deal with these 'teacup' kids everyday. I used to believe that adolescence was a natural barrier to helplessness, what 16 yo doesn't want to behave as an adult? Apparently, I was very wrong. There's an entire generation of utterly dependent young adults that quite frankly can't even feed themselves even with free money and a lift to the grocery store. Never mind working towards an education. Mr Ohiken has to pre-masticate every iota of information, hold their hands through every step of every project and wrap his critique in cotton wool when grading. It's infantalizing to treat legal adults this way. Plus there is the constant phone calls from parents, poor poor bunny-child is too stressed, please give her an extension.

Needless to say, we are raising our kids to be independent and have an inner sense of responsibility.

[Witsec7]

I've never heard the term Free Range Parenting before, but I definitely qualify. So far two of my children have made it to adulthood unscathed and they're appropriately independent and self-sufficient, so it's all good. I get that not everyone would be comfortable with this type of parenting, but it works for us.

I agree, my DD was a free range hippy kid. She was 10 when I allowed her to roller blade six miles into town. At the farm when she was little she had zones. Water hazzards were off limits, but not very attractive to her without friends. There was a back yard zone with a tire swing. 150 yards off the yard was the tree house about 15 ft up in an old tree. In the front was the BB gun target range and another 150yards from the kitchen was fantasy land where the trucks, sand box and construction of forts took place. The older she got the greater her boundaries were. And in the country, the wonder dog was her constant companion, you just can't beat a black and tan border

collie .

[constantgardener]

I wonder if attitudes are different depending on whether you are being brought up in the city or a rural area. I was spending days wandering around farm tracks with assorted friends and dogs by the time I was 8 or 9 (in the 80's), but I am not sure my mum would have let me wander as freely in a city. I also walked/biked to school and the library etc. by myself then, but I only had to negotiate village streets. By the time I was at senior school I was letting myself in after school, and babysitting for other people at 14. But then I was a sensible lass and I think my mum knew she could trust me. At 16 she let me go to the Glastonbury festival with a load of people I barely knew. She says that I made a convincing case for going and she couldn't find any reason to argue with it!

I was very naive about city life when I went away to college, though - I regularly used to walk home from clubs on my own at 2am, because that's what I would have done at home - in retrospect probably not such a good idea.

I still live in a village now, and I let my kids (6 and 8) play out with their friends. We just have open plan gardens and fields at the back of us and all the kids on the street play out there together - it's really nice. Mine know they are not to go near the road and I can usually hear them shrieking so I know they are nearby! I will pop out to check on them once in a while, or they will pop home for snacks. I am just starting to let my oldest bike down the road to the post box and do little errands for me. And I will admit that I do leave the kids in the car outside the village shop while I go in for milk. I think I am comfortable with all this because everyone knows everyone round here and it's very quiet. I worry more about them falling out of trees than being abducted.

[TXDuck]

I wonder if attitudes are different depending on whether you are being brought up in the city or a rural area.

I don't think so. We're a pretty free-range family and we live in an urban neighborhood. My 10 year old is allowed to bike all over. (She does have to wear a helmet.) Also, there is always someone around in urban situations. While maybe don't walk down sketchy alleys flashing $20's, you won't get abducted right off the sidewalk.

We are very lucky that our little neighborhood is rather "Maybury" when it comes to a sense of community. I can tell the boys I don't know except by sight to stop throwing rocks. My daughter gets reminded to watch for cars when she doesn't stop at stop signs. She knows how to talk to strangers. (Note that's not "don't talk to strangers".) She knows not to leave the neighborhood. (And doesn't want to, most of her friends are in a 6 block radius.) Frankly, I'd keep a closer eye on her in rural areas. Fewer people are around and there are infinitely more physical hazards. (At least in Texas.)

[holothuroidea]

I was left alone way too much. My mom was a single parent and I was an only child. She worked two and sometimes three jobs, and she would often go out with her friends to bars and things. There were many days when I was by myself from the time I came home from school until well after my bedtime, and sometimes mom wouldn't be there when I woke up in the morning.

At about 8 years old I could get myself ready for school and get there on time, cook myself dinner, clean the house, and get myself ready for bed. I knew all the old ladies in my neighborhood who gave the most cash for chores, and I knew how to shop for food and personal care items without wasting money. I was very responsible and very resourceful because I had to be.

I would not wish this upbringing on anyone. Just because a child can do something doesn't mean they should be held responsible for it.

[Witsec7]

I don't think so. We're a pretty free-range family and we live in an urban neighborhood. My 10 year old is allowed to bike all over. (She does have to wear a helmet.) Also, there is always someone around in urban situations. While maybe don't walk down sketchy alleys flashing $20's, you won't get abducted right off the sidewalk.

We are very lucky that our little neighborhood is rather "Maybury" when it comes to a sense of community. I can tell the boys I don't know except by sight to stop throwing rocks. My daughter gets reminded to watch for cars when she doesn't stop at stop signs. She knows how to talk to strangers. (Note that's not "don't talk to strangers".) She knows not to leave the neighborhood. (And doesn't want to, most of her friends are in a 6 block radius.) Frankly, I'd keep a closer eye on her in rural areas. Fewer people are around and there are infinitely more physical hazards. (At least in Texas.)

We moved from the burbs when the DD was turning 6. We had a great neighborhood and wonderful community. Lot's of folks looking after kids playing on the street. I never entertained the 'do not talk to strangers'. Like you it was a matter of how to talk to strangers.

The transition to living in the country and natural hazzards was really a change up for me. That's why we developed the zone defense :D I worked outside of the home so the house hubby did the rural supervision. Each zone was visible from an area of the home and the adult in charge worked in that area to supervise at a distance. When my DD was older there were no off limits on the farm as long as the dog was with her. She grew to love free ranging on 45 acres.

[TXDuck]

I would not wish this upbringing on anyone. Just because a child can do something doesn't mean they should be held responsible for it.

Well, yeah. But free-range parenting isn't no parenting which is closer to what your situation was.

My kids both know how to cook and make sandwiches. Obviously, the 10 year old can do more than the 6 year old. However, they are not responsible for dinner (or really anything other than getting their own snacks). The are responsible and resourceful (for their ages) because they can and should be, not because they have to be. That, ideally, is free range parenting.

[freejoytoo]

I think rural England is safer than rural America in terms of wildlife.

I don't think cities are necessarily more dangerous in terms of strangers. You are more likely to be abused by someone you know.

[Witsec7]

I think rural England is safer than rural America in terms of wildlife.

I don't think cities are necessarily more dangerous in terms of strangers. You are more likely to be abused by someone you know.

Where we lived bears and bobcats were a seasonal problem in late summer, and poachers shooting during the fall. Bull elk in rut could be a problem depending on where you lived. We never experienced any of these hazards since we were careful about trash and payed attention to seasonal risks. A flock of geese were a good early warning if a coyote or anything larger approached. I also kept guinea hens, and they were an excellent alarm system during the day.

[holothuroidea]

Well, yeah. But free-range parenting isn't no parenting which is closer to what your situation was.

My kids both know how to cook and make sandwiches. Obviously, the 10 year old can do more than the 6 year old. However, they are not responsible for dinner (or really anything other than getting their own snacks). The are responsible and resourceful (for their ages) because they can and should be, not because they have to be. That, ideally, is free range parenting.

I agree 100%. If a child can do it and WANTS to do it, then they should, but they should not have to.

My post was triggered by a previous poster saying that if a kid can do something they should. That's not enough, though, they also have to want to do it.

I lean very much on the free range side of the issue, but I also know how easy it can be to take it to extremes that share a fuzzy line with neglect.

[dawbs]

I think numbers of kids also has something to do w/ the amount of freedom.

My parents let my sisters and I wander about w/o supervision a LOT--as long as the 3 of us were together. The knew the strengths and weaknesses of us individually and while I wouldn't have been responsible to wander NYC in the dusk by *myself* at age, 14ish, I was OK to do it w/ my baby-sister and dog...

And I actually think this makes sense--less vulnerable, better alerts, etc.

(that wouldn't be true of ALL groups of kids--my big sis and her BFF together would have made an incredible target and would have egged each other into absolute stupidity--it's the chemistry of the situation :)

I do think some of it changes because so many fewer kids ARE FR...20 years ago, there may have been 30 kids wandering the neighborhood--that's a lot of eyes watching e/o. now, if there are 5...well, it's much easier to isolate a child.

(although I'd think getting more kids wanderig outside is the 'fix' to that :)

[Spider Burps]

The subway or city bus are how NYC kids get to school. It's always been done that way.

I'm wondering how many of the folks who are freaking out at the idea of kids on the subway have ever been in NYC during the morning/afternoon rush. I'd be horrified at the thought of my hypothetical kids crossing the busy streets at 7:00 am or 4:00 pm, but I wouldn't bat an eye at the same hypothetical kids taking the rush hour trains home. At least in the subway stations they're not going to have to avoid any distracted taxi/pedicab drivers. Many kids are also taught to ask the transit cops (or MTA employees) for help if/when they need it, which means there's always have a safe adult not-too-far away.

[freejoytoo]

Where we lived bears and bobcats were a seasonal problem in late summer, and poachers shooting during the fall. Bull elk in rut could be a problem depending on where you lived. We never experienced any of these hazards since we were careful about trash and payed attention to seasonal risks. A flock of geese were a good early warning if a coyote or anything larger approached. I also kept guinea hens, and they were an excellent alarm system during the day.

I can't think of any really dangerous animals in rural parts of Britain, You get badgers but they're nocturnal, and not really dangerous and snakes are INCREDIBLY rare. I don't live in the countryside but I'm struggling to think wildlife which is a threat.

In the summer holidays my sister would take me to the park and be in charge of me all day, when she was about age ten onwards. The park was only around the corner though.