New Low in Parenting Trends: Free Range Kids

[keen23]

I grew up in the burbs- from 2nd grade on, we walked to the bus stop by ourselves when the timer went off (15 minutes after my Dad had left for work usually), we waited for the bus with all the neighborhood kids but not a single adult. After school, we walked in the neighborhood group up the street- it could take up to an hour to cover a 1/4 mile depending on what sidetracked us that day (a hole in the ground, interesting leaves, a rabbit that got hit by a car, etc), and got home in time to watch cartoons before my Mom got home from work. Also, when I got home from school, it was my job to move the horses from the far pen- if they had been put out to graze that day- or, if the weather was bad, take the horses into the barn and curry them- at age 8 or 9 I could do this on my own.

From age 13 on my friends and I were taking the public bus to the T (grew up outside of Boston) and taking the T into the city, just to hang around. We went to the Boston Public Gardens, saw free shows at the Hatch, and did everything, all without getting pregnant or murdered.

I got a license and a car at 16 and a half, and got to drive anywhere my gas budget would allow. I stayed at home during family vacations that I didn't want to go on, took care of the animals, and drove my 14 year old brother around- because he was in some academic day camp thing for super smart kids. I went to Lollapalloza twice before I was 18, and stayed out overnight with friends and boyfriends for those shows and others.

[EmmieJ]

It is a constant back and forth struggle with myself to accomplish two main goals with my son, now age 14:

1. Ensure he is safe; and

2. Help him grow into adulthood, gradually getting used to doing things for himself and by himself.

I want him to learn, through experience, how to deal with a whole variety of life situations. I do not want him going out into the world at age 18 with very little practical experience of being on his own, making his own decisions, identifying possible untrustworthy people, etc. -- all because mommy has taken care of him so well that I've actually disabled him for adulthood.

As to riding his bike alone - he could ride his bike around the block by himself by the time he was 9 or 10, but I stayed outside the whole time. If he didn't pass by in a certain period of time, I'd go looking for him. By the time he was in middle school, he was allowed to catch the city bus to the local Target store, where I would then meet up with him after I got off from work. This meant about half an hour on the bus, and maybe 15 - 20 minutes alone in the store. (The city bus he rode was a route specifically designed for middle and high school kids, it stopped right in front of the school, and I believe most, if not all, the riders were fellow students).

Now in high school, he is allowed to walk home from school with friends. At that time of day, the sidewalks are filled with other students walking homeward bound.

I am definitely a mom who can worry too much, perhaps hover too much. It was hard for me to slowly let go and let him do things on his own. I bit my fingernails to the nub the first ten times I allowed him to walk to the store alone, or catch the bus by himself. But he has to learn how to deal with the "real" world, without his mom's watchful eye. He needs to develop his inner gut feeling, the one that warns him when something (a situation or a person) isn't quite right.

[SquirrelySquirrel]

Reading the stories/opinions about forgetting babies in cars makes me feel so much better! I was a SAHM, with no breaks in routine, and there were a couple of times I almost made it into a store before realizing the baby was still in the car. Made me feel like a total ass! I don't even want to think of how scattered my brain could've been dealing with daycare drop-offs and switching off with my husband and whatnot, being perpetually sleep-deprived because the little demon did not sleep through the night 'til she was almost 2. One time I had her all snugly buckled in the carseat only to turn a sharp corner and have her seat -and her, of course- go plummeting down because I didn't buckle it into the car.

We try to be as free-range as we can be. I agree with those who say that it's kind of difficult in more rural areas. We live on a county road, but people freaking fly by. I don't even like riding my bike on the narrow road, and am pretty nervous when we take her for rides, so we try to hit trails instead. And there aren't any kids anywhere nearby for LittleSquirrel to play with. It's a 10 minute drive to her closest friend's house. Things were a bit easier when we lived in town and she had a friend on the same street, which was a dead-end road with very little traffic, and a few trusted neighbors who were always looking out. When she has friends over now, we do let them roam the woods as much as they like.

[2xx1xy1JD]

I'm 40, and grew up in the burbs.

From grade 1 onward, I walked to school on my own (around 5 min., but there was a semi-busy street to cross). I also remember walking to my friends' houses, and taking our bikes around the neighborhood. I started taking the bus on my own around age 11 - I remember the first time, because my mother drew me a map and then followed the bus the whole way! Around 12, I was taking the subway downtown with a friend. Objectively speaking, the area was scarier then than it is now.

Yes, bad things do happen - but they happen in small towns as well. You need to use some common sense and know the area (drugs, gangs and guns all make a huge difference), but I've always felt more secure in busy downtown areas, and would walk around downtown Toronto after dark without any problem.

As a parent in the burbs, I would feel more comfortable with my child taking public transportation with friends, than getting into a car with a bunch of teens. The latter is FAR more dangerous - I see kids driving too fast on my street, and I know kids that have been killed in crashes caused by stupidity.

I also wish that there was the same sense of moral outrage against parents of young children who buy houses with swimming pools as there is against some of these other scenarios. Statistically speaking, the swimming pool is far more likely to kill a child than a stranger is (my friend's toddler drowned 5 years ago).

[Rosie]

I was left alone way too much. My mom was a single parent and I was an only child. She worked two and sometimes three jobs, and she would often go out with her friends to bars and things. There were many days when I was by myself from the time I came home from school until well after my bedtime, and sometimes mom wouldn't be there when I woke up in the morning.

At about 8 years old I could get myself ready for school and get there on time, cook myself dinner, clean the house, and get myself ready for bed. I knew all the old ladies in my neighborhood who gave the most cash for chores, and I knew how to shop for food and personal care items without wasting money. I was very responsible and very resourceful because I had to be.

I would not wish this upbringing on anyone. Just because a child can do something doesn't mean they should be held responsible for it.

If you are quoting me, that is not what I said. What I said was, if a child can do something for himself, he should do it for himself. I'm referring to household chores, schoolwork, getting to/from school or other places. That's not the same as being responsible for things that are age-inappropriate (including e.g. being left alone for long stretches of time at a young age).

I refer to this guide from time to time (I printed it out awhile ago):

http://www.pepparent.org/pubs/resp_by_age.pdf

I like these resources too:

http://www.choicesfes.com/adlerian_principles.htm

EDITED to add, this next resource is available as a Word document but the link doesn't seem to want to cooperate - if you google "Adlerian principles parenting" it will come up.

http://www.theadolescentownersmanual.com

Excerpt:

Principle #7: Never do for a child what he or she can do for him or her-self.

In doing so, all you do is create a dependent child, and a dependent child is a demanding child. Children become dependent, and therefore irresponsible, only when we fail to give them opportunities to take on responsibility. A lot of parents feel like they are giving when they act for a child; but the reality is that they are effectively limiting the child’s ability to learn and grow as a person. Many adults have a kind of “secret†prejudice against kids. A secret prejudice that is seemingly supported and furthered when a kid starts getting into trouble.

The prejudice is that children, particularly their children, are not capable of acting responsibly…so they do every thing for their kids. In essence, the parent becomes over-responsible. And guess what, over-responsible parents usually produce irresponsible kids. Parents who take on the responsibility of the child by reminding or doing for him or her, encourage the child to be irresponsible. I mean, think about it for a second, If we are always reminding our children to do their homework, clean their room, take a shower, etc., they really don’t need to keep track of this stuff and take responsibility for themselves.

As parents, we have to force ourselves to "mind our own business" and let our children learn from the natural and logical consequences of their behavior. And when we begin to believe that our children can act responsibly, and give them the opportunity to do so, nine times out of ten, they begin to do so. In doing so, they take a significant step toward maturity and, ultimately, adulthood.

[treemom]

I was left alone way too much. My mom was a single parent and I was an only child. She worked two and sometimes three jobs, and she would often go out with her friends to bars and things. There were many days when I was by myself from the time I came home from school until well after my bedtime, and sometimes mom wouldn't be there when I woke up in the morning.

At about 8 years old I could get myself ready for school and get there on time, cook myself dinner, clean the house, and get myself ready for bed. I knew all the old ladies in my neighborhood who gave the most cash for chores, and I knew how to shop for food and personal care items without wasting money. I was very responsible and very resourceful because I had to be.

I would not wish this upbringing on anyone. Just because a child can do something doesn't mean they should be held responsible for it.

There is a big difference between neglect which is what you are describing and encouraging/expecting our children to grow up as they age.

[Rosie]

There is a big difference between neglect which is what you are describing and encouraging/expecting our children to grow up as they age.

Yes, this is what I meant to convey above.

[Someonetocall]

Having read Free Range kids book, I like the fact the movement is about building community for children. As a childless person, I want to live in a world where I can smile at a toddler and not have a parent glare at me, where I can offer to hold a fussy baby on an airplane and not worry that I'll be mistaken for a pervert and most of all a community where I can say to a kid misbehaving in public, "stop!" like I did Friday night when 2 preteens were wrestling at a concert and almost knocked over an older woman.

This. I may be childfree, but that doesn't mean I hate kids. If a toddler or small child is staring at me, I like to smile and ask them a situationally relevant question. I would love to have that sense of community be pervasive so parents felt their kids were safe and children could benefit from many varied interactions with all sorts of people.

[EmmieJ]

Principle #7: Never do for a child what he or she can do for him or her-self.

In doing so, all you do is create a dependent child, and a dependent child is a demanding child. Children become dependent, and therefore irresponsible, only when we fail to give them opportunities to take on responsibility. A lot of parents feel like they are giving when they act for a child; but the reality is that they are effectively limiting the child’s ability to learn and grow as a person. Many adults have a kind of “secret†prejudice against kids. A secret prejudice that is seemingly supported and furthered when a kid starts getting into trouble

I am paying now for not following this principle when my son was younger. I did too much because I preferred the way I did it - and I'm talking about folding my son's clothes and putting them away, fixing him a snack instead of having him get it himself, and a multitude of other chores/activities around the house that me, with my touch of OCD-ness, wanted done a certain way.

Now I am beyond ready for him to be doing more for himself, and I'm paying the price because he would much rather sit on his duff and have mom get him a snack, do the dishes, and clean up after him. So I really flubbed it on that score. This doesn't mean I'm continuing down the same mistaken path - only that getting my son into different habits is a much more difficult process because it's being asked of him during his teen years, when he's already inclined to disagree with me on anything and everything.

I cannot emphasize this enough to anyone reading this with younger children -- I really wish I'd handled this concept differently and had my son do much more for himself, regardless of the mess it might have created, or the extra time needed, etc.

[mockingbird]

I don't have kids and I haven't lived in NYC but I did live in Glasgow, and every afternoon there were tons of kids on the subway after school. I would say the youngest were young teens, but I could see a responsible preteen being successful taking the subway especially if they were familiar with the route - it depends on the kid. For example, I flew all the time with my parents growing up, so I was able to fly alone to visit my grandparents when I was 9. Even though I was supervised (flight attendant has to walk you on and off the plane) I think me being familiar with both airports made my parents feel better about it - I knew who to talk to if something went wrong, where my grandparents would be waiting, etc. and they knew I could behave on a flight. Once I reached the age where you don't need to be supervised (13 or 14?) I flew alone to my grandparents a lot.

I feel like I would definitely lean more towards the free range side, with reasonable safety accommodations (eg always wearing a helmet while riding a bike), because that is how I was raised and I know a ridiculous number of people my own age who cannot do anything for themselves. I just graduated college. I had a friend in college whose mom came every week to pick up her laundry, drove her to her music lessons, etc... when we wanted to do something (before I brought my car out) her parents always had to take us and if they couldn't often she wasn't allowed to go - even though she had her license. She had to call her parents to solve all of her problems and had trouble solving minor conflicts when we were roommates (eg leaving old food in the fridge). I know many other people who are similar and either unable to or are afraid of doing anything by themselves or break out of their comfort zone (eg only willing to get a job in their hometown) - while some of that can be anxiety I definitely think too much parental supervision can hold kids back too; that's what seemed to be going on with my friend. In my town (a suburb) everyone got their license and drove to school starting at 16. I know my mom was very afraid of me driving, but I was allowed to once I got my license - starting with short routes I knew. I also got a job around the same time. I think that really helped boost my confidence and realize what I could do for myself. I definitely think it's important to give your kids room to grow; too much "helicopter parenting" can hold them back.

[Witsec7]

I'm wondering how many of the folks who are freaking out at the idea of kids on the subway have ever been in NYC during the morning/afternoon rush. I'd be horrified at the thought of my hypothetical kids crossing the busy streets at 7:00 am or 4:00 pm, but I wouldn't bat an eye at the same hypothetical kids taking the rush hour trains home. At least in the subway stations they're not going to have to avoid any distracted taxi/pedicab drivers. Many kids are also taught to ask the transit cops (or MTA employees) for help if/when they need it, which means there's always have a safe adult not-too-far away.

My parents were crazy restrictive. I had to wait until I was twelve to take the train to NYC from exit nine to spend the day walking around the city with my bestie. Oh it was a 20 minute bus ride to the station. :lol:

[Spider Burps]

My parents were crazy restrictive. I had to wait until I was twelve to take the train to NYC from exit nine to spend the day walking around the city with my bestie. Oh it was a 20 minute bus ride to the station. :lol:

Didn't anyone tell your parents that NJ Transit kills more kids than peanut butter, peanut butter substitutes, and pacifiers COMBINED?! :lol: :dance:

[Koala]

My niece is 16.5 and her parents still won't let her drive. She is VERY responsible, but they just won't let her. I feel so bad for her. Her mother told me the other day that she was *just* getting to the point of letting her load the dishwasher. I couldn't believe my ears.

[TXDuck]

My niece is 16.5 and her parents still won't let her drive. She is VERY responsible, but they just won't let her. I feel so bad for her. Her mother told me the other day that she was *just* getting to the point of letting her load the dishwasher. I couldn't believe my ears.

What? No, really, what? What is their rationale on this one? That is something kids should learn around 3 or 4. I'm not saying let them juggle steak knives. But really, 16 before they start loading a dishwasher? I just ... my mind, it boogles. Dare I ask about laundry?

[happy atheist]

I am paying now for not following this principle when my son was younger. I did too much because I preferred the way I did it - and I'm talking about folding my son's clothes and putting them away, fixing him a snack instead of having him get it himself, and a multitude of other chores/activities around the house that me, with my touch of OCD-ness, wanted done a certain way.

Now I am beyond ready for him to be doing more for himself, and I'm paying the price because he would much rather sit on his duff and have mom get him a snack, do the dishes, and clean up after him. So I really flubbed it on that score. This doesn't mean I'm continuing down the same mistaken path - only that getting my son into different habits is a much more difficult process because it's being asked of him during his teen years, when he's already inclined to disagree with me on anything and everything.

I cannot emphasize this enough to anyone reading this with younger children -- I really wish I'd handled this concept differently and had my son do much more for himself, regardless of the mess it might have created, or the extra time needed, etc.

For anyone with young kids I would recommend Montessori education. Their whole philosophy is child-led. It's great. In addition to the educational materials, they have the kids serve themselves snack and clean up after themselves. They have child-size pitchers so if there's a spill it's not a disaster. There are kid-size brooms and dustpans, too. I went to a Montessori preschool when I was little, and my sons both went through kindergarten. It taught them a lot of responsibility and introduced many life skills.

[Conuly]

For anyone with young kids I would recommend Montessori education. Their whole philosophy is child-led. It's great. In addition to the educational materials, they have the kids serve themselves snack and clean up after themselves. They have child-size pitchers so if there's a spill it's not a disaster. There are kid-size brooms and dustpans, too. I went to a Montessori preschool when I was little, and my sons both went through kindergarten. It taught them a lot of responsibility and introduced many life skills.

In some areas, there are even public Montessori schools. However, everybody should be aware that as the term Montessori isn't trademarked, anybody can use the name. You should check to see if they're accredited by one of the two accrediting agencies if you're looking into this form of education for your child.

Montessori schools can run all the way up through high school, although it's more typical for them to stop at preschool or the end of elementary instead.

[valsa]

Many kids are also taught to ask the transit cops (or MTA employees) for help if/when they need it, which means there's always have a safe adult not-too-far away.

They can ask but unfortunately MTA employees are not required to help, beyond calling the cops. There was a case a few years ago where a woman was attacked in front of two MTA employees (who did call the cops) Unfortunately, before the police could arrive, she was dragged kicking and screaming past the station agent's booth and raped twice. She sued the MTA but the courts threw out the case.

I think an inflated sense of safety is just as dangerous as an inflated sense of danger.

[happy atheist]

Montessori schools can run all the way up through high school, although it's more typical for them to stop at preschool or the end of elementary instead.

I really wish ours went higher than kindergarten.

Another nice thing with Montessori: they combine age groups. The older kids help teach the younger kids how to use the materials. It's a great way for the older kids to really master the concepts.

[holothuroidea]

If you are quoting me, that is not what I said. What I said was, if a child can do something for himself, he should do it for himself. I'm referring to household chores, schoolwork, getting to/from school or other places. That's not the same as being responsible for things that are age-inappropriate (including e.g. being left alone for long stretches of time at a young age).

I refer to this guide from time to time (I printed it out awhile ago):

http://www.pepparent.org/pubs/resp_by_age.pdf *snip*

I am not quoting you, and there's a reason I didn't quote you in my post. I was just triggered by something you said. I know you didn't mean it in that way, and that's why I didn't quote you.

People here have posted extremes of helicopter parenting and I wanted to share what I know of the extreme on the other end of the spectrum (which was technically not neglectful, but pretty damn close).

I do tend to be more on the free-range side of things, but probably with more reservations than most. I believe in following a child's cues for what they are and are not ready/wanting to do. I didn't read the article you linked to but I bookmarked it and I'll probably get around to it when my kids are asleep.

[Witsec7]

Didn't anyone tell your parents that NJ Transit kills more kids than peanut butter, peanut butter substitutes, and pacifiers COMBINED?! :lol: :dance:

By the time I was 14 I knew where Gerdies Folk City was, we could hear Judy Collins do her rehearsal and sound check and still be home for dinner. :D Brighter Moments.

[Koala]

What? No, really, what? What is their rationale on this one? That is something kids should learn around 3 or 4. I'm not saying let them juggle steak knives. But really, 16 before they start loading a dishwasher? I just ... my mind, it boogles. Dare I ask about laundry?

They are very....different. They have tried to keep her young long past her time. :( It's sad because she is really very capable, and she knows that she is being held back. When her mom said that about the dishwasher my kids just looked at her like :shock: They love to load the dishwasher and they help start laundry. I have had them fold/hang their own clothes for a year now.

[Koala]

For anyone with young kids I would recommend Montessori education. Their whole philosophy is child-led. It's great. In addition to the educational materials, they have the kids serve themselves snack and clean up after themselves. They have child-size pitchers so if there's a spill it's not a disaster. There are kid-size brooms and dustpans, too. I went to a Montessori preschool when I was little, and my sons both went through kindergarten. It taught them a lot of responsibility and introduced many life skills.

Love Montessori.

[Spider Burps]

They can ask but unfortunately MTA employees are not required to help, beyond calling the cops. There was a case a few years ago where a woman was attacked in front of two MTA employees (who did call the cops) Unfortunately, before the police could arrive, she was dragged kicking and screaming past the station agent's booth and raped twice. She sued the MTA but the courts threw out the case.

I think an inflated sense of safety is just as dangerous as an inflated sense of danger.

Whoa, I never said it was SAFE. No where in the world is 100% safe from anything, period. I simply said there was a SAFE ADULT, as in someone who is somewhat accountable, rather than a complete stranger on 8th Avenue. I've seen the MTA employees help kids find their transfers (even to the point of escorting them to said trains and buses) on numerous occasions, though I can't say I've seen that level of helpfulness when adults are involved.

And that woman could've gotten raped on the street, in her home, in her car, on a bus... Sorry, being raped sucks (ask how I know) but it's not 100% avoidable in any given situation (the super could come in my door and rape me this very second and there's not shit I could do other than fight back and call the cops--assuming I got to the phone in time) which is a small part of the reason that it's so horrible and traumatic. I'm pretty sure FJ's had this discussion many a time.

As I said before, you can NEVER assume you are completely safe, no matter where you go, who goes with you, whose job it is to protect you, etc.

[Feberin]

I read the Free Range Kids book and really like the basic idea. Of course I will make my own decisions with how I raise my child and what he is ready for at various ages but we encourage him to be independent. He's only two years old. So there isn't much that he can do on his own. But if we're in the basement and he wants his cup of water I'll allow him to go up and get it. I will go up after him if it takes too long but that's more from fear that he's getting into something messy than anything else. We keep the dangerous stuff (knives, chemicals) out of his reach and he is awesome going up and down steps. At only two there isn't much free range stuff happening because he's too little for it and we don't live in a very safe neighborhood (lots of crime especially drug related) so I will be more overprotective here then I would be if we lived in a safer area. But I know people who live in very nice neighborhoods that won't allow their ten year olds to play outside alone.

[Conuly]

I think an inflated sense of safety is just as dangerous as an inflated sense of danger.

Unfortunately, the two go hand in hand. If you tell your kid that the world is extremely dangerous and everything is dangerous, and prevent them from doing age-appropriate things because of an inflated idea of danger... well, sooner or later they'll leave the home anyway.

And then they'll have to do some of the things that you didn't let them do. And when these kids who haven't been allowed to grow up find out that most of the things they're doing aren't dangerous, are they going to have the knowledge and awareness to work out what really is dangerous compared to what isn't?

My grandmother's mother was fairly overprotective, for her generation. Also a bit of a bitch, but that's beside the point. (She had good reasons for it, and also it seems to be hereditary. Her own mother used to do things like show up at the house and give candy to every child on the block but her own grandson saying "You can't have any because your mother's being mean this week. Small wonder they became totally estranged from each other!) BonneMaman reacted to this, when she had kids, by being (for HER generation!) fairly cavalier about childcare. Letting your kid take the train in NYC at the age of 9? My mother was doing it at 5 and a half, and even in 1955 that was a little bit early.

We keep the dangerous stuff (knives, chemicals) out of his reach and he is awesome going up and down steps

There's this awesome picture I've seen of a toddler - no more than two years old - in some sort of rain forest culture where infants are encourages to do this sort of thing, using a machete to cut a piece of fruit.

The thing is bigger than the baby!

Not that I'm suggesting you give your kids knives anytime soon, but every time knives and kids come into a conversation I feel the need to shoehorn that in there. I wish I knew where the picture was online, I'd post a link.