Patriarchy Gone Wrong

[emmiedahl]

But in the US, there is cash assistance, housing assistance, and food assistance as well. It isn't generous, but she would be living in significantly improved circumstances. I'm not trying to be harsh--it is a horrible, horrible situation, one that she has not really created for herself. But there is immense help available and I get the feeling she is not taking it because of her religious beliefs about government assistance.

She is a victim in this situation, no doubt about that. And now she needs to make a decision that results in her children not being victims. I see the options as: file for divorce today and get on public assistance ASAP, staying with friends or sleeping in the church basement or whatever for the few weeks it takes to be processed OR get a job so she can support them with her husband in the picture. She has said he has income and assets, and she would get her fair share in the divorce settlement. If she truly cannot work, she can get disability payments from the government as well as training for a job she can do with her limited abilities.

I don't mean to come off as unfeeling. I know that perseverance and the like are just as much from nature as nurture. At some point, though, you need to take action, even if your nature goes against it. And the resources are there for her, just waiting to be taken.

[jaelh]

emmie - I know you're not harsh or unfeeling. Here's the thing though - you're saying she has views on taking government assistance. Trust me - she doesn't. She has accessed WIC, has ILP (or whatever the acronym is!) for the younger children for extra learning support, has actively sought out alternate shelter with women's organisations etc.. It really doesn't help she lives in the middle of nowhere. The family won't take her in; the Church won't help; she has no friends - at least IRL, she's so damn isolated.

Her income and assets are her stake in the farm. The farm income pays of the second mortgage - they've been in foreclosure twice (I know, my mind boggles too). Accessing the asset - the farm - is going to be hard. It's there, but it will take time and effort to do so. And she's pursuing this...

Everything you're saying is totally correct: no question. I guess I want you to know that she knows it too. It's taking the leap of faith - esp when you've already done it once and had to return. If she were in a city, I imagine it would be a very different story, there'd be more resources, support services etc.. If you've got an in for how to get the resources - tell me and I'll pass it on to Michele. Because seriously - it's *not* an aversion to taking them that's the problem; it's the accessibility that's the issue.

:) And trust me, I know you're not harsh or unfeeling. I've been participating on the board this is on for years (and years) and I know the story backwards - I suppose I feel a sort of need to defend Michele, or be her advocate or something. She really is quite extraordinary. And I have no doubt will blossom when she's out of the terrible circumstances she's in now.

[Austin]

Austin, I think you make a very important point when you observe that the women in these situation hold a degree of responsibility for their own situations. They do - no question. But what that actually means, I think, is something different from what the word responsibility implies.

My comment wasn't directed towards this particular woman, actually, but rather, to these situations in general. Probably should not have put it in this thread.

[Rosa]

Emmie, I agree 100% that her past unwillingness to divorce (and unwillingness to go ahead and say, fine, we're gonna lose everything but I'll be free) allowed the situation to get as bad as it has. I'm just not sure it's her fault, so much as a general thing in our society.

It's like the people who won't leave their pets in emergencies. Instead of saying, that's stupid, let them keep dying, emergency services changed the rules so you can have pets. It seems like there are a lot of people who won't get divorced until they're half dead, and our social services should be able to cope.

Not taht we fund social services enough to deal with every situation. But we SHOULD.