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Bro Gary Hawkins 20: Setting Up a Tent at the Train Depot


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  A course would likely have class discussions.  I could sign up for Genesis, when god is at peak psychopathy. I’d be a real pest: “If god flooded the whole world, then many little kids would have died. Aren’t kids innocent? No? Wait a minute—some of the women were no doubt pregnant, and we all know a fetus is innocent life, right?” And: “Lot offered his daughters to be raped. Isn’t that kind of bad?” In no time they’d be offering me a rebate just so they wouldn’t have to deal with my texts. They are lucky I’m too cheap to even risk the $30. 

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13 hours ago, Bastet said:

  A course would likely have class discussions.  I could sign up for Genesis, when god is at peak psychopathy. I’d be a real pest: “If god flooded the whole world, then many little kids would have died. Aren’t kids innocent? No? Wait a minute—some of the women were no doubt pregnant, and we all know a fetus is innocent life, right?” And: “Lot offered his daughters to be raped. Isn’t that kind of bad?” In no time they’d be offering me a rebate just so they wouldn’t have to deal with my texts. They are lucky I’m too cheap to even risk the $30. 

I agree totally. I recently re-read the sodom and gomorrah story to make sure I had it right, and the only thing that makes sense about that story is the part the fundies ignore - where it specifically says the sin being punished was lack of hospitality and charity. 

I feel like somewhere some kind of twisting must have happened to the story because the way it reads now it sounds like the entire city (except Lot's family) was comprised of homosexual men, none of whom wanted each other, but who were literally ALL so violently horny they'd try to break in the house to go after the hot guests Lot had visiting him. And somehow Lot thought handing up his virgin daughters to be deflowered would solve the problem. And the part of all this that pissed God off was that the people of the city weren't being properly hospitable, so he decided to destroy the whole place while kicking Lot and his family out into the wilderness, and killing Lot's wife when she understandably looked back in concern to see what was happening to all the people she knew in the world despite Lot being whiny the whole time about having to leave. 

It doesn't make any sense in the slightest when you read it and think about it.

But I suppose if you are Bro Gary and can just barely read and thinking is not a skill you ever use, it's easy to just parrot what some other preacher told you that he was told by someone else.

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Here are some free slogans for you, Gary:

Bro Gary Hawkins, holier than thou and thou and thou and thou

You might try to live holy but Bro will outholy you

Saint Gary, hallowed be thy precious name. 

 

Hi my name is Gary and I am a humblebrag.

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6 hours ago, Alisamer said:

I agree totally. I recently re-read the sodom and gomorrah story to make sure I had it right, and the only thing that makes sense about that story is the part the fundies ignore - where it specifically says the sin being punished was lack of hospitality and charity. 

I feel like somewhere some kind of twisting must have happened to the story because the way it reads now it sounds like the entire city (except Lot's family) was comprised of homosexual men, none of whom wanted each other, but who were literally ALL so violently horny they'd try to break in the house to go after the hot guests Lot had visiting him. And somehow Lot thought handing up his virgin daughters to be deflowered would solve the problem. And the part of all this that pissed God off was that the people of the city weren't being properly hospitable, so he decided to destroy the whole place while kicking Lot and his family out into the wilderness, and killing Lot's wife when she understandably looked back in concern to see what was happening to all the people she knew in the world despite Lot being whiny the whole time about having to leave. 

It doesn't make any sense in the slightest when you read it and think about it.

But I suppose if you are Bro Gary and can just barely read and thinking is not a skill you ever use, it's easy to just parrot what some other preacher told you that he was told by someone else.

In Jewish tradition, Lot and his wife have other children that are left behind. These children would be living on their own.

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Gary has been busy on Facebook, and in the mood to list things.

Spoiler

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Spoiler

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image.png.eb22192f0ce81a7834eb11b51b738aac.png

 

Tomorrow is Gary's 50th birthday. Half a century, frittered away.

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I don't much care whether or not Gary keeps keeping on and why.  I think he added that in because his list was a little thin.  Basically, he could have said that he is a Southern Baptist and believes all that they believe.  That "it's all because of Christ" isn't even a listable item.

The other list is just annoying.  Being politically incorrect is just bragging about being rude and offensive.  The "I respect Constitution" sounded a bit like Phil Hartman's unfrozen cave man lawyer.

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So here's what we know.

1. Gary is for capitalism.

2. Everything Gary does is for Christ.

3. Christ was against capitalism. 

So...?

I mean, Jesus said it was hard for a rich person to get to heaven and he was against the love of money and straight out rude to the money lenders who were just out there doing some sweet capitalism...

 

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7 hours ago, Xan said:

Basically, he could have said that he is a Southern Baptist and believes all that they believe.

:faint:

How dare you! The Southern Baptists are way too liberal for Gary! They have been pulled in by the devil's wiles.

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On 10/5/2022 at 3:49 PM, AmazonGrace said:

What will Gary do to help, besides nothing?

 

On 10/6/2022 at 12:51 AM, thoughtful said:

@AmazonGrace, you cynic - he will pray and pray and pray for her . . . whenever Becky reminds him to do so.

Caring about others is women's business to Gary and his ilk, as is reminding men they need to make a show of it sometimes.

15 hours ago, Xan said:

Basically, he could have said that he is a Southern Baptist and believes all that they believe.  That "it's all because of Christ" isn't even a listable item.

He could also have phrased it as "I believe what I'm told to believe, and never question it" as that would also be accurate.

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Gary is humble at all the birthday wishes:

Spoiler

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But not too humble to lecture everyone. It's all about JESUS, folks - if you love HIM you'll won't go to place that you're not to. If this post bother you can keep strolling.

Spoiler

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Spoiler

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Gary is a tougher person than I... I would not be able to handle substances that I got from my eye

Spoiler

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It's even worse - it's "be careful what you put in from of your eye's. "

I assume he meant "in front of your eyes." The extra apostrophe just makes it more Garyesque, and grotesque. Do we need a new word - grotaryesque?

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Gary is utterly convinced that Jesus will only know you love him if you turn up to Church, not if you actually follow his teachings. Pretty sure someone who missed church because they were helping their neighbour is fine with Christ. Pretty sure someone volunteering with refugees and reading the NIV is fine with Christ. Maybe Gary should try putting a version of the New Testament that he can actually understand in front of his eyes...

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2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

It's even worse - it's "be careful what you put in from of your eye's. "

I assume he meant "in front of your eyes." The extra apostrophe just makes it more Garyesque, and grotesque. Do we need a new word - grotaryesque?

I’ve been spending too much time on news sites recently. I opened the meme without scrolling down and saw “put in” as “Putin.” That added an additional layer of confusion to the usual necessity for a Gary-to-English translator. 

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Gary switching between “him, his, me and I” with no apparent reason or indicators makes it look like Gary thinks he himself is Jesus or God in his posts. 
It honestly screams “narcissist” and not “Christian” to me! 

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13 minutes ago, Mrs Ms said:

It honestly screams “narcissist” and not “Christian” to me! 

As do most of Gary's actions and words, no doubt.

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I think Gary's birthday triggers his anti-Halloween tirades every year.

I think he meant "needed to be said."

Spoiler

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Gary is going home to North Carolina. I'm sure it's because he's concerned about his mother, and wants to help, and . . . oh.

Spoiler

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Seriously Bro Gary is a worse help than JRod, who at least is go-fund-meing and doing makeovers.

Gary is really not that comfortable around illness and death, is he?

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1 minute ago, Ozlsn said:

Gary is really not that comfortable around illness and death, is he?

I like your subtle understatement. 😄

I figure this is probably a coincidence, that they already had a revival planned, but I don't know. I guess his father and the rest of the family will be happy to have Becky and Jacob there, and send Gary off to study his Bible, pass out tracts, and preach, and stay out of the way when others are caring for his mother.

He'll probably make them put up the tent, distracting and exhausting people who should be doing other things.

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Gary or Becky replied to someone asking about his mom. A six day revival at home  with Gary preaching is the last thing I need when I’m in perfect health. Even knowing her belief system, I keep thinking, “His poor mama.”  I know she made her own choices, but this sound like hell without the fire.  
 

If the tent goes up, I think it will be the third time it’s been used in 2022 and I haven’t seen his new lectern once.  
E7467680-A7DF-45B7-A650-DE2ADBF28FAF.thumb.jpeg.c660a3b9c9300a79343e4bd85f4f762a.jpeg

Edited by Joyster
Corrected tent usage
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I haven't listened to a Gary message in a long time - let's find out what he had to say, shall we?

I'm happy to say that Gary preached this morning from one of the kitchen cathedrals, not from the tent. When the video starts, he is telling them to start reading in "verses 26, the bahble says . . . " It took me a while to find out where he was, since this is what he says next:

Spoiler

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Turns out it's Hebrews 9:26-28.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hebrews+9%3A26-40&version=KJV

I have to get a closer look at that tie - it looks like moments in the life of Jesus.

As Gary finishes his post-reading prayer and starts his message, various family members fidget and wander, and we hear the door squeaking. Gary, in the middle of saying "Wonna these days, this appointed tahm, it is ay-ppointed . . ." interrupts himself to ask for water and move the detergent away from his bible:

 

Spoiler

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Asked whether he wants cold water, he says "No, hot water - uh lukewarm."

Then he gets back to the idea that all of us have an appointed time to die, after which we will stand for the judgment. He makes the distinction between the righteous judge of heaven and mortal judges, with this trip through all the words:

"It ain't gonna be a judge 'at's just gonna be able t'say that that that - y'know, equal up, this person can have these chil'ren, this person can have this, or you gitcher license taken away from ya, or get whatever it is that you've been t'court for, you're gonna stand before ah was in Pennsylvania some years ago preachin' up there an' th'gah came to me whenever we was downstairs eating an' he said he had went t'prison, an' was not guilty for anything that he done. Well ahwanna say somethin' to ya - when we stand before Gohhhd - y'everything - He's a righteous judge, what that means is - y'know, you think about it, y'know, most people'll teach yer chil'ren that  y'know Sanna Claus is comin' an' 'at's just in a few days away, an' Christmas tahm Sanna Claus is gonna come an' he's got the leeust an' he knows who's naughty an' he knows who nice an' he knows who's done this he knows who's hated one another an' ohn an' ohn you can go with the different things well ah wanna say somethin' to ya, number one, we should all know that Sanna Claus ain't real."
Jacob: "Amen."
Gary: "But we should know that God is real, an' that He don't needta write a record, He don't need  t'write it down, He w' - He will never haveta take pills or ever haveta get examined or whatever He's ever had altimers or whatever ya wanna call that, He will judge you righteously!"

The captions keep up with him pretty well, but miss one of the Santas, and mistakes the Claus for something else:

Spoiler

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Notice that Gary's references to earthly judges is that they place kids and take away drivers' licenses. I guess the judge who tells 18-year-olds to date women their own age is long forgotten.

Gary says people think they're not going to die, or that they're not going to "stand before a judge God."

Old familiar Garyblab follows - we shouldn't complain about how awful the government is, because "this is the day of the close of the comin' of the part of th'Lord Jesus Chrise comin'."

More later, in the way of the part of the comin' of another post.

Edited by thoughtful
riffles
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From a distance, that tie looks like a Boa Constrictor is trying to crawl up the Bro's body.

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2 hours ago, samurai_sarah said:

From a distance, that tie looks like a Boa Constrictor is trying to crawl up the Bro's body.

I'm sure Gary doesn't know the Shel Silverstein poem, let alone the song. But, if he did, he could sing:

Spoiler

 

 

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