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Political Memes, Comics, and other Shenanigans, Part 35


GreyhoundFan
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Continued from here:

 

 

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"Flat Earth Goalpost"

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Friday 13 is famous for being unlucky, supposedly. They even made a franchise of horror movies about Friday 13 which kinda got away from the date and more about the serial killer. I mean, the murders started on Friday 13 but then it just seemed like Jason, the slasher serial guy with the messed-up face, would kill people on any given day. Not once in any of those movies did he stop before slaying a victim and ask, “What day is this?” and when told it was something like Friday 17, he’d be all like, “Crap. Let me know when it’s Friday 13 and that’s when I’ll put this weed-eater into your skull.” Maybe Jason did have a Friday 13 code but his calendar, since he lived in the woods, was seriously outdated. Maybe his mom, before she got beheaded, made him a custom calendar where every day was Friday13.

Maybe the Qanon fucknuts should make a custom calendar AFTER Trump is reinstated. And then they can point at that date as August 13 and say, “Aha! See? We were right all along.” Only problem with this plan is that Trump will NEVER be reinstated. They can still copy Jason Voorhees though and start wearing a mask…because they’re all ugly. Oops. Sorry. For a second there, I forgot they have a hang-up about masks.

I don’t believe Friday 13 is a bad-luck day. If that was true, wouldn’t that mean bad luck wouldn’t happen on other days? Shitty things happen all throughout the year. If your girlfriend kicks you to the curb because she found out you’re a conspiracy-spreading lunatic who believes Trump will be reinstated as president and she caught you cheating on her with a Trumpy Bear, and she does the kicking on June 4, doesn’t that undercut Friday 13? If you drive your car into a river on April 16, doesn’t that step all over Friday 13’s toes? Friday 13 would lose all enthusiasm for delivering bad luck.

Even though I don’t believe the date is bad luck, I do believe this Friday is going to be very unlucky for a lot of people.

If Donald Trump is reinstated to the presidency, it’s going to be bad luck for everybody who isn’t a racist fascist. But since we don’t reinstate presidents, or appoint them because a bunch of white nationalist goons didn’t get what they want, this Friday is going to be very unlucky for MAGAts. They will have to find another way to save face or back up their bullshit.

That’s what they do anyway. They make a prediction and then make excuses for when it doesn’t pan out.

Out of all the Republicans who predicted Trump would win the election last year, have you heard any of them admit they were wrong? In 2016, I predicted Hillary Clinton would win. I had to eat some crow but I ate it. I admitted I was wrong. Now, all those freaks who predicted Trump would win still claim he won. The thing with political predictions is that everybody is going to be wrong at some point. If anyone ever tells you they’re always right, they’re lying.

After Trump lost the election, MAGAts predicted he would win on January 6, 2021. The idea was that Trump’s white nationalist MAGA terrorists would attack Congress and stop the certification and somehow this would give him the presidency. A lot of people got hurt but it didn’t work.

Then, the date was moved to January 20, the actual date of swearing in a new president. Except Joe Biden was sworn in as the 46th president of the United States of America on that day, probably because he won the election. But Trump goons claimed the military would suddenly intervene and not allow it, and then Trump would come weebling across the stage at the Capitol, be sworn in, and Lady Gaga would start crying. Instead, he was getting one last ride on Air Force One on his way to Florida, being a spoiled whiny ass baby and too chickenshit to attended his predecessor’s inauguration. How would that have looked to his MAGAt base, him just standing there watching his opponent take the oath? But, the MAGAts were wrong. Trump was not sworn in and Lady Gaga was very happy and smiling.

Then, they claimed he’d be reinstated on March 4 (I forgot about this date when I did the cartoon. Shit). Why March 4? That used to be the date for swearing in presidents a very long time ago. The conspiracy theorists believe every president since Ulysses S. Grant has been illegitimate except Trump. You know you suck as a conspiracy theorist when the details you use to support your belief contradicts other details of your belief. Why would Trump be reinstated as president if he was never president to begin with? These are the same idiots who wave American flags with Trump emblazoned across them who protest desecrations of American flags. But, guess what. Trump was not installed or reinstalled as president on March 4.

Then, it was March 20. Why March 20? I don’t know but prices for hotel rooms increase on these dates because Republican fucknuts storm the capital for the Trump reinstatements. Could this just be a scam by the hotel industry? If it is, smart.

Now, the date for Trump’s reinstatement is August 13. In case you’re a Republican and need help reading a calendar, or Jason Voorhees, that’s this Friday. And just in case, I’m going to lock up my weed-eater. This Friday, they believe Donald Trump will rise like the Great Pumpkin and return to the presidency (I had to put that metaphor in here because an editor friend emailed me yesterday and said I should do a Trump Great Pumpkin cartoon for Friday, but I already did that last March).

So, what will happen to President Biden after Trump returns to the White House? It’s not like Biden is just going to give Trump his old room back and go sleep down the hall in the Lincoln Room. There’s a ghost in there. No. Trump is going to round up everyone who is a part of the deep state and send them all to prison without trials. This includes everyone who was ever against him because being against Trump is treason. Those going to prison will be President Biden, First Lady Jill Biden, Vice-President Kamala Harris, the First Dude What’s-his-name, President Obama and Michelle, everyone in the administration unless they went to the Trump website and bought one of those MAGA-loyalty cards, Liz Cheney, Adam Kinzinger, Mitt Romney, people who look like Mitt Romney, everyone at CNN and MSNBC, Mike Pence, every general who wouldn’t go along with the coup including that car insurance general, the KFC colonel because he refuses to give Trump the original recipe, every Democratic member of Congress except those who will be publicly stoned (like Adam Schiff, Nancy Pelosi, and Alexandria Ocasio Cortez), Rosie O’Donnell, Pearl Jam (they went to Obama’s birthday party), and the Pope. Wait. What did the Pope do to get in on this deal? He’s not even a U.S. citizen. How do you commit treason in a nation you are not a citizen of or taken a loyalty oath to. Oh, yeah. This is Qanon logic.

There is no danger any of this is going to happen. The real danger is in people believing it. On January 6, there was no chance Donald Trump was going to reverse the election, even by sending his white nationalist MAGA terrorists to attack the Capitol. But people were still hurt. People still died. People are still committing suicides over it. It fed into the lie that he won the election. And it’s not random unknown lunatics on the dark web using screen names like MAGAchunky47 and Orange_Tennessee_Dildo who believe this shit.

America’s favorite shitty pillow manufacturer is spreading this bullshit. Trump’s former chief-of-staff is enabling the lie by claiming Trump is running a shadow government and meeting with his “cabinet.” Disgraced and Trump-pardoned Michael Flynn has endorsed a Myanmar-style coup. Even Donald Trump is spreading the lie. This is so crazy that even Marjorie Taylor Green doesn’t buy into it, and she believes in Jewish space lasers. Even crazy isn’t buying your crazy.

Fifty three percent of Republicans believe Donald Trump won the election and had it stolen from him. In case you are a Republican, 53 is more than half. But if you buy into the March 4 theory of no legitimate president since Grant, except for Trump, then 53 might be 90. If you believe Donald Trump won the election, you are in a cult. There are no facts that backs up your belief. That’s how cults work.

You would think with crazy beliefs, that it’d just be the fringe of one of the nations two political parties that’d buy into some conspiratorial crap, like Trump won the election. But with the GOP, it’s 53 percent. That’s crazy. So, how crazy are they really? How many believe Trump will be reinstated?

Over 30 percent of Republicans believe Trump will be reinstated. That’s insane.

There is no mechanism to reinstate a president. That is because it’s not something we do. We only elect presidents or install the next in line of succession if a president is removed from office. And that person is only to serve out the elected president’s term until the next election.

If Donald Trump is to return to the White House, it won’t be before January 20, 2025. It won’t be through a coup. It will only be with an election. And good god, if that happens, I will be crying with Lady Gaga.

This is like when Pat Robertson predicts the end of the world and it doesn’t end. He’s done this multiple times. He also predicted Trump would win. What you do on those dates is go about your business. Don’t sell your house and go on a Las Vegas cocaine binge consisting of Russian hookers with tiny bladders. This Friday, just go about your usual routines and don’t do anything crazy…unless that Las Vegas Cocaine Russian hooker thing is your thing. Donald Trump will not be reinstated this Friday. When you wake up Saturday morning, Joe Biden will still be President of the United States of America.

The only question I have now is what’s the next date for Trump’s reinstatement? Where will Qanon move that goalpost next?

 

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Not necessarily political, but I like this one:

 

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This one is also not directly political, but the Rs have made climate change a political topic:

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Covid and DeSantis, then Lindell, then Giuliani, get burned.

Sometimes Colbert and his writers don't quite do it for me, but I think this monologue was a good one. I cued it up after the NYTimes stuff, which was pretty formulaic.

 

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I really like his greeting on this one.

 

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Mike Lindell, Bayeux version!

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"Woof Woof, Meow Meow, Spend Spend"

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Nineteen Senate Republicans joined with Democrats to pass a $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill despite Donald Trump loudly screaming against it.

Typically, Republicans are scared to death of Donald Trump and his cult. This is because Republicans are spineless cowards. But they may not have much to fear this time from the Trump cult over this massive spending bill.

One reason they don’t have to worry so much is that spending on infrastructure is good. How dare you repair bridges, fill potholes, and create jobs in my community. Even Republicans who voted against this will receive infrastructure money in their states. And since they are Republicans, they’ll still take credit for it.

But a better reason Republicans who opposed Trump on this don’t have to fear is because this legislation is nuts-and-bolts stuff. Trump supporters don’t understand gritty details. Half of Republicans in Congress don’t understand gritty details and nuts and bolts of legislation. Do you honestly believe Lauren Boebert is doing math? Do you think Marjorie Taylor Green is shouting through a mail slot about a sewage system in Akron? Matt Gaetz won’t even look at the bill unless you draw a pair of teenage boobies on it.

Trump supporters don’t know this shit. They’re idiots who believe he’s going to be reinstated. They only get fired up over wedge issues and three-syllable chants (“lock her up,” “send them back,” “drain the swamp,” “stop the steal,” and a two syllable one as a bonus, “space force”). They don’t even understand the stuff they do get upset about but those things are much easier to get all sweaty over. They want red meat, not deets.

Republicans are not going to get upset over spending on infrastructure. If you really want them upset over spending, tell them it was for allowing trans to play on female sports teams and use public restrooms. Tell them it was for making Cat in the Hat a crossdresser. Tell them it was to remove Mr. Potato Head’s penis and sticking it in his trunk.

Tell them we’re spending $1.2 trillion to rename the Washington Monument “Black Lives Matter Monument.” Tell them it was for Obama’s birthday party (Pearl Jam and balloons aren’t cheap). Tell them it was to put more broccoli and cauliflower into school lunches. Tell them we spent a trillion bucks on public face masks and mandated sleeveless shirts from the Michelle Obama Collection.

Tell them the $1.2 trillion infrastructure is code for repairing Jewish space lasers. Tell them the money is for straight conversion to make daycare students gay. Tell them it’s for microchips in the coronavirus vaccines to track everybody’s porn consumption. Tell them it’s for creating a chemical to place inside school face masks that’ll turn your children into godless socialists and vegans. Tell them the money is ban cow farts. For some weird reason, the GOP is horny for cow farts. Tell them the $1.2 trillion is to tear down Trump’s racist border wall and build open bridges from El Paso to Caracas. Then, tell them were Caracas is.

Donald Trump was all in favor of infrastructure spending when he was president (sic). But now he’s against it. That would be like him being in opposition to us spending $1.2 trillion to buy Greenland.

Donald Trump doesn’t understand infrastructure. He only understands tax cuts for himself and racist dog whistles. The only reason he’s opposed to this legislation is because it’s a win for President Joe Biden.

Now, this legislation is going to the House where Republicans are even shittier and more cowardice than they are in the Senate.

Cats and dogs didn’t really get married. It was just a one-night stand. Today, they’re back at fighting over other infrastructure spending, like creating more internet for rural America where they’re more likely to believe in shit like Trump winning the election, George Soros-funded caravans, deep-state lizard people, and Jewish space lasers. Come to think of it, maybe we should oppose creating more internet for rural fucknuts.

 

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"Florida Taliban"

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Right-wing extremists are encroaching upon innocent victims and insisting they be controlled by their fundamentalists dogma. These extremists are religious nut jobs who abandoned facts and science a long time ago in favor of cultist beliefs. Their outdated culture is used to oppress women and threatens the lives of millions. For these extreme conservatives, their anti-science cult leaders are the heroes and the villains are scientists, doctors, nurses, and educators. The government is being taken over by these racist fundamentalists who have no tolerance for diversity. Many have given up on the area and the innocent and enlightened are encouraged to take their families and flee for their lives before it’s too late.

Yes, my friends…Florida is a lost cause. I also hear Afghanistan is pretty bad.

The Taliban is on the verge of retaking Afghanistan after losing near-complete control two decades ago. A lot of people are blaming President Joe Biden for this as he evacuated all military personnel. But I think this validates the president pulling our troops out. If the government of Afghanistan can’t maintain control of its country after being propped up by the U.S. military for over two decades, then they never will. the only way for us to keep the Taliban from retaking Afghanistan would be for us to be there forever. If anything, we have wasted two decades and according to the Pentagon’s latest numbers, over $815 billion on the war in that nation. Other institutions have that number over $900 billion.

I feel bad for everyone in Afghanistan who’s not a fundamentalist whack job that bans women from schools and blows up statues, but instead of spending $900 billion on a lost cause in Afghanistan, we could have spent that money at home. We could have given everyone a free college education, healthcare, fixed our infrastructure, brought broadband to Arkansas, or at the very least, had taken everyone to Arby’s at least 12 times. Disclaimer: Cartoonists are notoriously bad at math and I’m just guessing at these figures. But I don’t need to be a mathamawhatchmacallit to know we could have funded a lot of cool shit and still gone to Arby’s with $900 billion.

Not only should we give up on Afghanistan, we should also give up on Florida.

Even without the right-wing fundamentalists taking everything over, Florida’s always been a little messed up. Remember the entire hanging chad thing in 2000 when Florida’s election for president was stolen from Al Gore and given to George W. Bush? And then Bush started two wars with one of them being in…wait for it…Afghanistan. So in a way, our two decades war in Afghanistan is kind of Florida’s fault. Thanks, Florida.

We we had high hopes for Florida. President Obama won it twice. We thought Hillary Clinton would win it in 2016 but surprise, Trump took it. I was like, “Whaaaaaa’at?” Then, we thought Andrew Gillum would win the governorship but instead, Florida gave it to guy who ran commercials showing him teaching his daughter how to build a racist border wall out of Legos. Florida let Rick Scott, Voldemort’s doppelganger, go from being its idiotic and hateful governor to being one of its idiotic and hateful senators. The other Senator is Marco Rubio. One of its congressmen is Matt Gaetz, a right-wing Trump cultist idiot who is under investigation for being a pedophile. Then, Florida voted again for Donald Trump.

The most shocking thing about Florida is that Rand Paul and Ted Cruz aren’t from there.

Now, with the Delta Variant proving it’s a really bad idea not to be vaccinated, Ron DeSantis, the racist Lego guy, is trying to prevent schools from mandating face masks.

Also, Florida is full of flying buzzy stingy things, other creatures that crawl and slither and should be in places like Burma instead of the United States, it’s nearly impossible to go through the day without walking into at least one spider web, backyard swimming pools have a 70/30 human to alligator ratio, it’s really sticky, and if you go to the beach, the sand just gets everywhere.

Florida is so toxic that if Dwayne the Rock Johnson was to film one of his crappy movies where he’s wearing a ridiculous hat while he and his muscles are braving the Florida swamps…they’d probably film it in Atlanta. Seriously, everything is being made in Atlanta now, and that stupid hat on The Rock alone is stopping me from seeing Disney’s “Jungle Cruise.” Besides, I already saw “The Mummy.”

Then there’s Florida Man. Who’s Florida Man? Florida Man is a Floridian who does shit like…

Throwing an alligator through a Wendy’s drive-thru window. This is really messed up because you should never drive without putting a seatbelt on your gator.

When Hurricane Irma was hitting Florida, thousands of Florida Mans went outside…to shoot at the hurricane. Why didn’t they just throw alligators at it?

Florida Man decided that when he left a hospital, he should do so by stealing an ambulance.

Florida Man broke into a jail to hang out with his friends. He was lonely. I kinda expect this to happen a lot after Donald Trump is arrested.

Florida Man robbed a Game Stop while wearing a bag on his head…a transparent bag.

Florida Man paints anti-Hillary messages on Tampa Bay crabs. It was probably Matt Gaetz.

Florida Man stole a car while a monkey was clinging to his chest. No word if there was an alligator in the car.

Florida Man steals peacocks.

Florida Man kills a goat and drinks its blood for a Pagan sacrifice…and then runs for the Senate. Shockingly, it was NOT Rick Scott. Also, Paganism is still behind Trumpism for Florida’s favorite cult.

Florida Man tries to burn down his former lover’s house with pasta sauce…while disguised as a bull. That’s actually smart because the costume will throw investigators off. Bulls are well-known for their dislike of pasta.

Florida Man stole a BMW after failing to purchase it with food stamps.

Florida Man practices karate on swans. The swans won.

Florida Man was kicked out of a Trump rally for wearing a fake penis on his head. Only real penises are allowed on heads at Florida Trump rallies. They did let him back in when they realized it was Eric Trump.

Florida Man gets arrested for riding manatees. “Riding” is a euphemism here and it was Matt Gaetz.

Florida Man steals bees.

At another Wendy’s (or maybe the same Wendy’s), Florida Man climbs to the roof in his underwear to yell at traffic.

Another Florida Man smuggled another alligator, a dead one this time, in his car. Do all Florida cars have a 70/30 human to alligator ratio?

Florida Man keeps a dozen stolen zoo animals in his apartment. No word on how many were alligators.

Florida Man tries to walk out of Walmart with over $170 worth of steak and lobster in his pants. At least they weren’t alligators.

Florida Man beats a drag queen with a tiki torch while dressed as Klansman…then runs for mayor. How do they know he wasn’t a Klansman? Also, I’m predicting he ran as a Republican.

Florida Man breaks into a delivery room where his ex is giving birth and starts a fight with her boyfriend.

Florida Man calls 911 to talk about Hitler. Was the call coming from Mar-a-Lago?

And finally, Florida Man screams from a shitty golf course that he won an election he lost and will eventually be reinstated. Next, he’ll climb on top of a Wendy’s with an alligator to scream at traffic about the stolen election. I’m calling it.

I have two clients in Florida (I had more before the pandemic). One of the editors told me I should move to Florida because I would have a Florida topic every day. I could probably support myself just by syndicating to Florida news outlets. But then I look at Florida…and yeah, no. I would really enjoy cartooning Florida but I don’t think I could deal with living there. I know I don’t want to. Honestly, I could probably maybe handle the lunacy, but I can’t handle that kind of heat anymore. And it’s sticky. I hate sticky almost as much as bulls hate pasta.

Ron DeSantis and his fellow right-wing extremists, his Florida Taliban, are intent on destroying Florida. Maybe it’s time we gave up on Florida. The only question is: Where do we resettle all the refugees?

 

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