Florida Stories 2: The Adventures of Florida Man (and Woman)

[47of74]

Leaving aside for a moment that it's really not a good idea to pleasure oneself at one's apartment complex pool, if one is going to do it in public one shouldn't connect to a bluetooth speaker.

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If you are planning to masturbate while watching a porno on your phone while at your apartment complex’s outdoor pool, do not connect your device to a Bluetooth speaker because amplified moaning will bring unwanted attention.

Florida police were summoned to The Palms of Clearwater development Sunday night after a witness reported seeing a man “pull his pants down” and “begin to masturbate to a pornographic video on his personal cell phone.”

Cops identified the accused masturbator as Christopher Harris, 51, a resident of The Palms, which describes itself as a “Mediterranean Oasis” only minutes from the Clearwater beaches.

Harris, police noted in an arrest affidavit, “also connected the video to a Bluetooth speaker and began playing the video out loud as he masturbated.” Multiple officers responding to a 911 call observed Harris pleasuring himself by the pool (seen below).

 

[47of74]

Florida man even has his own beer now.

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An inebriated Florida Man was drinking a can of “Florida Man” beer when arrested Tuesday night for disorderly intoxication, police report.

Seth Thomas, 39, allegedly was “yelling at traffic while walking in the roadway in front of traffic and refusing to stop” when he was collared by sheriff’s deputies on a street in Seminole, a city in the Tampa Bay area.

Thomas, cops say, was drinking from a can of “Florida Man” at the time of his arrest. The beer, produced by the Tampa-based Cigar City Brewing, is a Double India Pale Ale that is “brewed with a nearly criminal amount of hops and a moderate bitterness that just about matches Florida Man’s general disposition.”

 

[47of74]

Lots of Florida people aren't good at things

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After being caught stealing bicycle accessories from Walmart, a Florida Man reportedly gave police a devastating self-analysis.

“I’m not good at shoplifting,” said Daniel Kaczmar.

The 53-year-old’s spontaneous admission came yesterday following his arrest for swiping a bicycle pump, lock, and inner tube from a Walmart in Largo, a city in the Tampa Bay area.

Police say Kaczmar parked his bike--which had a flat tire--outside the Walmart before entering the store and stashing items worth $35.88 under his t-shirt.

 

[GreyhoundFan]

Florida woman...

[Alisamer]

7 minutes ago, GreyhoundFan said:

Florida woman...

Lordy what an idiot. 

Clearly she's never watched any true crime content. You use the Diet Mountain Dew to hide the antifreeze you're feeding the person, then pretend to be a caring worried friend/spouse/parent/whatever when the cops come looking. And they usually only come looking when it's the second or third victim! (Which makes me wonder how many people have done it just once and gotten away with it...) 

She might have done better to use beer, or a stronger alcohol. At least that has some slight disinfectant qualities...

[GreyhoundFan]

Another Florida woman:

[47of74]

Dubuque is experiencing a Florida women invasion

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Police said two Florida women were involved in a fraudulent check-cashing spree in Dubuque and elsewhere in Iowa.

Christine D. Walsh, 58, of Plantation, Fla., and Sarethya L. Downing, 33, of Fort Lauderdale, Fla., both were arrested at approximately 5:30 p.m. Monday in the 2900 block of Central Avenue. Walsh was arrested on charges of first-degree fraudulent practice-forgery, first-degree theft, ongoing criminal conduct and possession of drug paraphernalia. Downing was arrested on charges of first-degree fraudulent practice-forgery and ongoing criminal conduct.

Court documents state that police responded at 4:17 p.m. Monday to DuTrac Community Credit Union, 3465 Asbury Road, for a report of check fraud.

DuTrac staff reported that an individual later identified as Walsh fraudulently cashed multiple checks between 11:55 a.m. and 4:35 p.m. Monday at multiple DuTrac branches both in Dubuque and outside Dubuque, court documents state.

 

[KnittingOwl]

This might be the most Florida headline ever. 
 

[47of74]

Been down in quiet in Florida recently.  Well this guy decided to fix that.

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When a corrections officer found a “plastic cylinder” containing methamphetamine under his penis, a Florida Man denied ownership of the narcotics and claimed to be “unsure of how the package got in his underwear,” according to an arrest affidavit.

The discovery of drugs in the drawers of Caleb Phillips, 46, came yesterday evening as he “undressed from his civilian clothing and changed into his jail clothing” at the Indian River County Jail.

Phillips was arrested Monday on a warrant charging him with failure to appear in court in connection with a pending 2022 DUI case.

Seen above, Phillips reportedly told a sheriff's deputy that he “did not place the cylinder in his underwear,” but speculated that the meth was somehow “placed there while he was asleep.” Phillips apparently did not identify who purportedly accessed his underwear for the meth delivery.

 

[Father Son Holy Goat]

Florida Man banged on gym windows, screamed vulgar obscenities, exposed himself and challenged gymgoers to fight him with their "fake muscles.”

https://cbs12.com/news/local/michael-jackson-florida-man-exposing-himself-mocking-gymgoers-breach-of-peace-busy-body-gym-fake-muscles-palm-beach-gardens-florida-december-1-2023

 

[mango_fandango]

On 11/28/2023 at 7:14 PM, 47of74 said:

Been down in quiet in Florida recently.  Well this guy decided to fix that.

 

Surely you’d notice someone trying to stick something in your underwear whilst you were asleep? Unless you’re completely dead to the world I guess. 

[47of74]

One Max Alexander Krejckant of Clearwater, Florida was arrested after not paying for a Waffle House tattoo. 

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The 33-year-old Floridian was arrested Saturday after he allegedly refused to pay for a $250 tattoo he received from the Ink Godz shop in St. Petersburg.

Krejckant was reportedly under the influence when he got the Waffle House logo tattooed on his right calf.

While the restaurant chain’s emblem is yellow and black, Krejckant’s tattoo--about five inches wide--was gray and black since he did not want to pay an additional $100 for yellow ink, said Ink Godz owner Neil Marcus.

When it came time to pay for the tattoo, Krejckant (seen at right) “refused all options to satisfy his debts,” cops reported. A police frisk of Krejckant turned up only “six dollars and a driver’s license in his bag and nothing on his person.”

 

[47of74]

Another Florida Man in action.

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A man wearing a shirt declaring “I just got out of prison” was locked up anew Sunday after police responded to a 911 call about a male suspect entering a parked car and stealing a wallet.

Michael Gordon, 46, pleaded no contest yesterday to a misdemeanor obstruction charge and was sentenced to five days in custody and fined $500, Florida court records show.

The criminal count against Gordon stemmed from his refusal to identify himself to deputies probing the reported auto break-in. A portable fingerprint scanner was used to identify Gordon, who told cops to “Call my lawyer.”

Gordon’s shirt accurately reflected his most recent scrape with the law.

 

[Father Son Holy Goat]

Florida man faces charges after driving ‘BOOTY PATROL’ truck
 

https://www.clickorlando.com/news/local/2023/12/07/florida-man-accused-of-impersonating-law-enforcement-after-driving-booty-patrol-truck/

[47of74]

Florida man tried to get into a house.  Using a tool.  A type of tool not found in stores.

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Investigators say Marshall Jones, 40, first showed up outside the victim’s St. Petersburg residence last Friday around 1:30 AM. He was spotted on video trying to open the door.

At the time, according to an arrest affidavit, Jones was wearing a dress and had “what appeared to be an erect penis in his hand at waist level.” After trying to enter the home, Jones “is then seen pressing the erect penis against the door before walking away.

Jones allegedly came back to the property yesterday afternoon, but subsequently fled on foot.

When police later busted Jones (seen at right), he reportedly copped to the attempted burglary on December 15 and returning Tuesday to the home in the city’s historic Roser Park neighborhood.

 

[47of74]

Florida Woman keeps active even during the holidays

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Police charge that a 20-year-old woman “repeatedly” beat her boyfriend with a Christmas tree during a predawn skirmish in the pair’s Florida residence on December 24.

According to a court filing, Miracle Rivera, 20, and the victim, 24, engaged in a “verbal altercation” early Sunday morning in the bedroom of their St. Petersburg home.

Cops say the victim separated himself from Rivera and relocated to the living room around 3:40 AM on Christmas Eve.

Rivera allegedly followed the man into the living room, where he was lying on the couch when Rivera “picked up a Christmas tree and began to strike the victim with it repeatedly.”

 

[47of74]

I guess if police are searching for wanted people in Florida they should look inside the couches

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A wanted woman who police recently discovered hiding inside a hotel couch has been sentenced to serve two years in prison for drug dealing, records show.

Earlier this year, Usher pleaded no contest to a pair of felony counts and was sentenced to 24 months of probation, as well as drug offender conditions that included random testing and a prohibition against consuming alcohol.

In late-October, Usher was accused of violating terms of her probation, and a judge subsequently issued an arrest warrant for her. Usher would later beg not to be violated, since she claimed her life would be in danger if sent to prison (Usher said she had once been a “primary witness” against someone who received a 20-year sentence).

Cops caught up to Usher last month at the Bella Oasis Hotel, which advertises itself as “the best hotel in Homosassa Springs, Florida.” As seen in the above police photo, Usher had actually burrowed into a couch in a bid to hide from sheriff’s deputies.

 

[47of74]

No, Florida Woman, substituting your aunt dog's urine for your own does no work. 

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According to investigators, Jessica Beatty, 42, was subject to random testing as a stipulation of release terms related to her December 28 arrest for possession of drug paraphernalia and driving with a suspended license.

Beatty, a Clearwater, Florida resident, has a lengthy rap sheep with numerous cocaine convictions and related incarceration terms.

When confronted about the phony sample, Beatty reportedly admitted that she “collected urine from her aunt’s dog,” which she “intended to provide during testing.”

The complaint does not indicate what kind of container Beatty used to house the fraudulent sample. Nor does it detail how the ex-con actually “collected” the canine waste (which drug tests can easily differentiate from the human equivalent).

 

[47of74]

Yeah, Florida Woman is at it again.

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A naked woman wielding a sharp-edged vegetable peeler threatened convenience store workers, destroyed a Red Bull display, and masturbated in front of sheriff’s deputies before being taken into custody last night on a variety of criminal charges, according to court records.

Investigators allege that Celia Barrett, 35, caused a drunken disturbance Sunday evening at a RaceTrac in St. Petersburg, Florida.

Upon arriving san clothes at the store, Barrett began yelling about being trespassed from the business the prior day. On Saturday, police warned Barrett that she would be subject to arrest if she returned to RaceTrac.

As detailed in a series of criminal complaints, after Barrett, peeler in hand, showed up at the store around 6:40 pm, she threatened two workers, one of whom told police that Barrett said she would kill him.

I'd say she's approaching peak Florida woman.

[WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?]

On 1/16/2024 at 5:21 AM, 47of74 said:

No, Florida Woman, substituting your aunt dog's urine for your own does not work. 

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(clipped for space and bolded for emphasis)

Beatty, a Clearwater, Florida resident, has a lengthy rap sheep with numerous cocaine convictions and related incarceration terms.

Like this?

Spoiler

Or this?

Spoiler

Or maybe this?

Spoiler

 

Anyway, the sample probably would have been noticed as not being "fresh"  because it wouldn't be the proper temperature. (I'm basing that on the solo time I ever had to take a drug screen before I could get a job. A guy after me had his sample rejected for not being the right temp, most likely because it wasn't his.)

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Nor does it detail how the ex-con actually “collected” the canine waste...

From my small experience working for a veterinarian many years ago, a clean ladle is one way to catch a sample. A clean ladle that will never be used around food again!!

Edited January 29 by WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?
spelling

[47of74]

A Florida "Christian" School is not happy about a mom having an OnlyFans advertisement on her vehicle.

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A mom in central Florida has been banned from dropping her kids off at a private Christian school because of an advertisement for her OnlyFans account on her vehicle.

Michelle Cline says the school is making her park across the street, which forces her kids to cross a busy road, go down a sidewalk, and walk through the parking lot to get to school.

That is, unless she takes the ad for the adult content site off her car.

Cline goes by the name Piper Fawn to promote her adult content. She has a large decal that stretches across her vehicle’s back windshield to promote her OnlyFans account.

I'm guessing some of the staff and/or parents are secretly fans of her account but don't like being reminded of that at every turn.

[47of74]

A couple down in (where else) Florida was caught going at it in front of a Popeye's.

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A couple was arrested Saturday afternoon for having sex on the sidewalk in front of a Popeyes, in plain view of passing motorists, Florida police charge.

Responding to a report of lewd behavior, a sheriff’s deputy located two suspects trysting on a patch of grass across from the Vero Beach restaurant (which is directly adjacent to U.S. Highway 1).

According to arrest reports, the cop spotted Arnold Mackey, 70, “making a thrusting motion while on top of” April White, 44. When confronted by Deputy Eric Brashears around 2 PM, the duo began “adjusting their shorts.”

Mackey, the cop noted, “appeared flustered” and was unable to “fully pull his shorts up which left his penis fully exposed to oncoming traffic.”

Of course there was Alcohol in the mix here.

 

[47of74]

The Florida woman I mentioned on January 26 was ordered to serve 15 months in prison for threatening convenience store employees and getting off in front of cops.

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A Florida Woman has begun serving a prison sentence for a recent naked rampage at a convenience store that included a masturbation session conducted in front of police, records show.

Celia Barrett, 35, pleaded guilty earlier this month to a variety of criminal charges stemming from her unclothed antics at a RaceTrac convenience store in late-January.

Barrett was sentenced to 15 months in state prison after copping to aggravated assault, a felony, and four misdemeanors, including exposure of sexual organs and disorderly intoxication. Following her sentencing, Barrett was transferred on March 20 from the Pinellas County jail to the custody of the Florida Department of Corrections.

Al alleged by police, a drunken Barrett threatened workers at a RaceTrac in St. Petersburg with a sharp-edged vegetable peeler and destroyed merchandise. Also, “The defendant prior to being taken into custody began masturbating in front of deputies, while still inside of the [store],” a cop noted.

Yeah, this could just about be only Florida.

Edited March 30 by 47of74

[47of74]

And the Florida man who refused to pay for a Waffle House tattoo pleaded guilty.

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The guilt was written all over his face leg.

A Florida Man copped today to a theft charge for refusing to pay for a $250 Waffle House tattoo that was inked on his right calf, according to court records.

With not much of a defense available to him, Max Krejckant, 33, pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor charge related to his obtaining of the tattoo from the Ink Godz parlor in St Petersburg in December.

After accepting the plea, Judge Robert Dittmer ordered Krejckant to pay a total of $675 in fines, court costs, and fees.