Florida Stories 2: The Adventures of Florida Man (and Woman)

[47of74]

Florida man had an interesting assortment of stuff in his car

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According to a press release from the sheriff’s office, deputies recognized the driver, Michael Marolla, from “previous encounters” as having a suspended license.

Deputies said when they pulled Marolla over Friday, they found drugs and two firearms inside the truck. Then, in the bed of the pickup, they found an open plastic tub with a baby alligator in it.

The sheriff’s office notified Florida’s Fish and wildlife Conservation Commission about the gator.

 

[Cartmann99]

1 hour ago, 47of74 said:

Then, in the bed of the pickup, they found an open plastic tub with a baby alligator in it.

Five bucks says he was going to attempt to cook it in a turkey fryer.

[47of74]

Florida Man was nabbed for posing as a DEA agent to get some cheeseburgers from Wendys at a discount.

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A Florida Man masqueraded as a Drug Enforcement Administration agent to secure a discount at a Wendy’s restaurant, according to police who yesterday arrested the suspect for impersonating a law enforcement officer.

Investigators say Jesse Stover, 57, had been receiving the half-off discount for more than two years at a Wendy’s in Bunnell, a city about 20 miles north of Daytona Beach.

But yesterday, when Stover (seen above) again sought the discount, a Wendy’s manager asked to see his credentials. Stover, cops say, flashed a badge. When the manager asked to examine the badge, Stover reportedly became argumentative, prompting Wendy’s workers to call 911.

When officers responded to the restaurant, Stover denied claiming to be a cop or a federal agent. A police frisk of the Wendy's regular recovered a gold badge with the words “Concealed Weapon Permit.”

Bastard.  Now I'm having a hankering for a Wendy's cheeseburger.

Edited April 12, 2022 by 47of74

[47of74]

Dude find a plant outside.  Don’t ruin beer.

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Faced with a locked bathroom at a convenience store, a Florida Man decided to instead relieve himself inside the business’s beer cave, ruining $113.36 in merchandise, police report.

According to an arrest report, Clarence Patterson, 61, entered the Hop & Pop store Saturday afternoon and proceeded to the restroom, which was locked. Patterson “then entered the ‘beer cave’ making the appearance he was looking at the merchandise inside.”

Patterson, who lives about two miles from the store in Rockledge, a city 50 miles east of Orlando, then “faced toward the alcohol cases on the shelves,” unzipped his pants, and began urinating.

“There were six cases of beer total that were damaged and could no longer be sold,” a cop reported,

 

[47of74]

Dancing doesn't work

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A Florida Woman suspected of drunk driving performed “multiple ballet and Irish folk dance moves” while undergoing field sobriety tests after rear-ending a vehicle late Wednesday evening, cops report.

Amy Ann Harrington, 38, was arrested on a DUI charge following a crash near her residence in Madeira Beach, a city 10 miles from St. Petersburg. Police allege that Harrington “showed multiple signs of impairment during roadside sobriety tests.”

Harrington smelled of alcohol, had “slurred speech,” and “was unsteady on her feet,” police charge. When asked to perform one-leg stand and walk-and-turn tests, Harrington instead broke out her cross-disciplinary dance moves, according to an arrest affidavit.

 

[Flossie]

On 4/29/2022 at 6:54 PM, 47of74 said:

Dancing doesn't work

 

Aww, reminds me of an old episode of Cops.  A young 20-something was pulled over and the cops put him through his paces, which he failed.  So the cops told him to stay put and turned away to tell the camera they're going to arrest the guy for drunk driving.

Behind them, the guy suddenly tried to do a standing backflip.  I don't know why, and he probably didn't either.  It didn't go well, as the guy landed on his face instead of his feet.  The cops turned back around to see him lying on the ground, groaning, trying to push himself back up and bleeding from a bloody nose.  He still got arrested though.

[47of74]

Florida Man must really be bored these days

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A Florida Man admitted that he was naked and masturbating when he dialed “numerous random phone numbers” and exposed himself to unsuspecting strangers who answered his video call, according to police.

Investigators have charged Adam Smith, 35, with indecent exposure and obscene communication in connection with three illicit video calls made earlier this year.

One victim told cops that they answered a call and “observed a white male, completely nude, squatting in front of the camera while stroking his penis.” A probable cause affidavit notes that while the victim was “shocked,” they “managed to take a screenshot of the defendant.”

The call, cops say, came from a number with an 865 area code, which covers Knoxville, Tennessee and surrounding counties (Smith was born in Knoxville, according to court records). Two other victims reported receiving obscene video calls from a Florida number.

Because he's a repeat offender he was charged with felonies this time. 

[Howl]

On 4/29/2022 at 8:54 PM, 47of74 said:

A Florida Woman suspected of drunk driving performed “multiple ballet and Irish folk dance moves” while undergoing field sobriety tests after rear-ending a vehicle late Wednesday evening, cops report

So...River Dance? 

Edited May 3, 2022 by Howl

[47of74]

Obviously whoever made this has never been to Dubuque, Iowa, Wisconsin, or the Twin Cities. 
 

[47of74]

Florida Man had been quiet lately. Note had been.  Not no more he’s not.

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-In TSG's illustrious 25-year history, we have not previously seen anyone arrested for circumcision rage.  

Until today.

A 28-year-old Florida Man was arrested yesterday for allegedly battering his ex-boyfriend during a predawn confrontation about penises, according to a criminal complaint.

Cops report that Kyle Elias Perez--who shares a St. Petersburg residence with the 37-year-old victim--woke up his ex at 5:15 AM and confronted the victim for “not having any compassion for [Perez’s] desire for uncircumcised penises.”

 

[47of74]

Florida Man in the Gulf Coast city of Dunedin was found with weapons and drugs in his vehicle. 

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The first rule of False Name Club is: You do not claim to be Tyler Durden.

Since the gun and the drugs--heroin, cocaine, methamphetamine, marijuana, and Xanax--appeared to belong to a male passenger, Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office deputies asked the man to identify himself.

In response, the suspect “provided the name ‘Tyler Durden,’” according to an arrest report. Apparently unaware that “Durden” was a character in the 1999 film “Fight Club,” cops ran the handle through a police database and “were unable to locate a subject by that name.”

Using a fingerprint scanner, police subsequently identified the passenger as Todd Michael Burns, 44, whose rap sheet includes numerous drug convictions, as well as convictions for grand theft, disorderly conduct, violating probation, and carrying a concealed weapon.

It's also probably somewhere on the list of Fight Club rules too not to give a fake name to the fuzz.

[47of74]

Florida Woman was arrested for a trailer park fight

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Police busted Christine Terman, 57, on a misdemeanor battery charge following a confrontation late Sunday evening at the Palm Haven Mobile Home Park in St. Petersburg. 

Cops say Terman, seen at right, was mad at victim Lawrence Stenzel due to “his chicken pooping on the back patio.” So, Terman “went inside and got a bucket of pee from her bathroom, walked out on the back patio and threw the full bucket of pee” at Stenzel.

The bucket struck Stenzel in the face, “causing him pain,” noted a sheriff’s deputy who added that, “the victim was wet when we arrived and smelled of urine.”

The arrest report does not indicate why Terman had a bucket of waste at the ready.

Her boyfriend also got arrested for threatening the victim.

They seem nice.

[Howl]

Although the scam fell apart in Colorado Springs, it all began...and ended...in a Florida courtroom: An Army vet bodybuilder scammed the VA out of $245,000 while claiming he couldn’t even lift, bro

Cane?  Check!

Adult diapers? Check 

Lifting massive weights at the gym? Check! 

Brag posting on social media about lifting massive weights at the gym while claiming to be afflicted with occupational and social impairment + deficiencies in work, school, family relations, judgment, thinking or mood, depression, anxiety, sleep loss, severe mobility issues, urinary incontinence, dry eye syndrome, paralysis of his legs, facial droop and erectile dysfunction.   Check! 

Facing up to 10 years for defrauding the VA? CHECK! 

Someone reported the fraud and in June of that year [2021], an undercover agent observed Barton at a Planet Fitness gym. Barton, seemingly unable to resist, began offering advice on getting swole and proceeded to tell the agent he had been lifting for 10 years, could leg press 500 pounds, and was a competitive bodybuilder. Vanity, thy name is… squats?

Barton then described his workout routine and offered a “grueling” training session later that evening. At Flex Gym & Fitness, Barton walked the undercover agent through an intense workout, including leg press repetitions with more than 650 pounds of weight. Barton also felt free enough to let the agent know that, despite using anabolic steroids and performance enhancers, he had no problem achieving an erection, in direct contrast to his disability claim. 

Shortly thereafter, Barton was confronted by agents and admitted to the grift. 

 

 

Edited May 25, 2022 by Howl

[Cartmann99]

11 hours ago, Howl said:

Barton also felt free enough to let the agent know that, despite using anabolic steroids and performance enhancers, he had no problem achieving an erection, in direct contrast to his disability claim. 

If they'd chatted for a few minutes longer, I bet Barton would have tried to show the agent pictures of his junk.

[Howl]

34 minutes ago, Cartmann99 said:

If they'd chatted for a few minutes longer, I bet Barton would have tried to show the agent pictures of his junk.

Or even his *actual junk*  😱

[47of74]

Trying to cleanse his junk?

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A trespassing suspect with “his pants opened and genitals exposed” explained to Florida police that he was “doing a chant and was cleansing himself spiritually” when he was discovered at 2:15 AM on the premises of a closed Mexican restaurant, according to a court filing.

Cops say that Kenneth Grey, 29, tripped a silent alarm after jumping a fence early Monday at the Red Mesa Cantina in St. Petersburg.

When officers arrived at the restaurant, Grey was seated inside a fenced area near the outdoor bar “with his pants opened and genitals exposed.” Grey, seen at right, was detained and subsequently charged with loitering and prowling, a misdemeanor.

 

[47of74]

Is this gonna be Florida Man's new thing, indecent exposure?

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Proving again that Florida Man + Speedo = trouble, a 64-year-old retiree was arrested Tuesday for allegedly exposing himself to a female beachgoer, according to a police report.

Investigators say Charles Hixon was busted Tuesday afternoon for indecent exposure following an incident at Sunset Beach in Tarpon Springs, a Tampa suburb.

Hixon was in the water “about knee deep wearing a Speedo” when he pulled down the front of his swimsuit and exposed his penis, cops allege. Hixon, seen above, was allegedly “holding it in his hand” while staring and grinning at the 28-year-old victim, who was on the beach.

The woman and Hixon “had both made eye contact,” and “the victim described his penis as being large, 7-8 inches and it was similar in color to his body which was tanned,” an officer reported.

 

[47of74]

Meanwhile #FloridaWoman plans on strapping fake bombs to her chest

 

[47of74]

I agree, this Florida man should change his name

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Perhaps a name change is in order for Le'Genius Williams.

The 22-year-old Floridian--who has already served prison time for attempted murder and robbery--is back behind bars on an assortment of felony gun and drug charges following his arrest Monday night.

Police allege that Williams struck his girlfriend in the face with a handgun and then fled the St. Petersburg crime scene in a Chevy driven by another man.

Cops performed a pit maneuver to stop the vehicle and then arrested Williams and the driver. A search of the car uncovered a pair of loaded firearms, as well as cocaine and fentanyl, according to a court filing.

 

[JermajestyDuggar]

44 minutes ago, 47of74 said:

I agree, this Florida man should change his name

 

See I feel like parents can set a child up with a name like that. Most people are not Geniuses. Therefore odds are good that he won’t be a genius. That means that when people meet him and he’s obviously not a genius, those people might tease him or make fun of him. Which could make him much more self conscious and cause trouble in his life. It’s like setting the bar too high for a kid and setting him up to fail. It’s like naming a kid Perfect. It doesn’t seem fair. 

[GreyhoundFan]

[47of74]

1 hour ago, GreyhoundFan said:

Some more background on that story...

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A man is in custody after a bizarre incident during rush hour on Interstate 75 in Sarasota Thursday afternoon, authorities say.

At about 4 p.m., in a rainstorm that had slowed traffic between Fruitville Road and University Parkway, southbound drivers were confronted with a startling sight: A naked man was running along the highway.

The man then climbed on the back of a stopped flatbed semi trailer in the center lane, leaning on the front of the trailer.

Many drivers passing by took photos and video. Many of the images made the rounds on social media.

 

[47of74]

Florida man called 911 with an unusual request

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A “heavily intoxicated” Florida Man was arrested Saturday night for calling 911 to report that his girlfriend “wished to eat Sour Patch Kids” according to police.

An arrest affidavit does not reveal why Joshua Larson, 37, allegedly phoned the police emergency number at 11:45 PM with the candy dispatch.

When asked about the call by a sheriff’s deputy, Larson “smiled and walked away” from cops outside his residence in Madeira Beach, a city 10 miles from St. Petersburg.

Charged with misuse of the 911 system and obstruction, Larson was booked into the county jail, from which he was freed yesterday afternoon on his own recognizance. As part of his release conditions, Larson has been ordered by a judge to not consume alcohol and has been outfitted with an alcohol monitoring device.

 

[47of74]

Florida Man.  Wal-Mart.  Intoxicated.  Scooter.  Full on Florida bingo here.

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A Florida Man is behind bars on DUI charges for allegedly drunk driving a motorized scooter inside a Walmart where he nearly struck shoppers and crashed into shelves and merchandise displays, police report.

Aaron Gregory, 39, was busted around 10 AM Sunday inside a Walmart in Melbourne, a city about 65 miles south of Orlando. Officers were summoned to the store “reference to an intoxicated male on a motorized scooter,” according to an arrest affidavit.

A Walmart security official told cops that Gregory, seen at right, was haphazardly driving a Walmart scooter “down the aisles, running into shelves and displays, and creating a danger for other patrons by almost striking them with the scooter.”

Gregory was reportedly so intoxicated that he was barely able to stand on his own and had to be transported from the store on a stretcher. Gregory’s backpack, which was in the scooter’s basket, contained an open bottle of Smirnoff vodka.

How long til Wally Worlds have to start putting ignition interlocks on their motorized scooters?

[47of74]

And apparently US aliens and Chinese dragons fighting prompted Florida man to steal a pickup to warn the Space Force.

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A Florida man has been arrested after he was accused of stealing a pickup truck and driving to a Space Force base to warn the government about extraterrestrial and mythical creatures.

Corey Johnson, 29, was arrested Friday at Patrick Space Force Base by local deputies after he "attempted to get on base," according to an arrest citation.

Johnson reportedly explained to authorities "he was told by the president" to warn "the government there was US aliens fighting with Chinese dragons."

Johnson allegedly took control of a Ford F-150 several days prior to arriving at Patrick Space Force Base and he didn't know who the owner was, according to local authorities. He was charged with grand theft of a motor vehicle.