Florida Stories 2: The Adventures of Florida Man (and Woman)

[47of74]

Florida Man™ told the fuzz he’s allowed to carry meth. 

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Robert Lawson, 50, was questioned yesterday after he was spotted loitering near a wooded area in Clearwater, cops say. During a “consensual encounter,” Lawson reportedly gave police permission to search him and his bags.

According to the arrest report, the search yielded a small baggie containing “a crystal substance” which tested positive for meth, as well as a “used/uncapped syringe with a brown liquid residue.”

After being read his rights, Lawson, seen above, demanded that Deputy Daniel Maddox call “the FBI and Saint Petersburg Police department because he is allowed to carry methamphetamine,” the report notes.

 

[47of74]

What is it with Florida people and sex toys?

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A dispute over possession of a sex toy turned violent early Saturday and resulted in the arrest of a Florida Woman for battery, according to court records.

Responding to a “domestic violence situation” at a home in St. Lucie County, cops interviewed a male victim who said that he and Chelsea White, 34, were “having a verbal argument over a handbag and a sex toy” he owned.

“As the argument progressed, the victim asked White to return the sex toy to him because he owned it,” police reported. However, “White refused to give the sex toy back to the victim.”

Unable to secure the return of his sex toy, the victim picked up White’s handbag and declared, “I have your bag, give me back my property.” A struggle for control of the handbag followed, with White allegedly kicking and biting the man. The victim, cops say, “punched White to make her stop biting him.”

Police arrested her because they believed her to be the "primary aggressor."

 

[47of74]

Time for another Florida Woman plus Waffle House story

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After being arrested for stealing a wallet that a patron mistakenly left on a Waffle House counter, Kwanita Morton reportedly confessed to the theft and gave cops an explanation for her actions.

“The money was calling to me,” Morton declared.

According to Florida police, the victim paid their Waffle House tab early Monday morning, but “forgot their wallet on the counter.” The wallet contained credit cards and $2286 in cash.

As recorded by a security camera, the 47-year-old Morton “was seen on video looking around, putting her hat on top of the victim’s wallet on the counter.” She then slid the hat and wallet into her hands “with discretion.”

 

[GreyhoundFan]

Florida traveler:

 

[47of74]

Another Florida traveler who went on a crime spree in the midwest.

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A Florida man has been arrested for the robbery of a Des Moines bank on Wednesday.

Javier Rafael Camacho-Cepeda, 22, of Bradenton, Florida was taken into custody around 6 p.m. Wednesday night by the Lake County Minnesota Sheriff’s Office. Camacho-Cepeda has been charged with two counts of Robbery in the 1st Degree. According to police, he was only two hours away from the US-Canadian border.

Right after the robbery, authorities say Camacho-Cepeda pulled a gun on the Uber driver that drove him to the bank and stole the driver’s car, and then headed north on I-35.

Camacho-Cepeda booking the Uber in the first place was a key piece of evidence that helped authorities track his route.

 

[47of74]

We got the Florida Man™ Christmas rush now.  

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Police were dispatched around 8:20 PM Wednesday to the discount store in Clearwater following an alleged battery on the 20-year-old worker.

According to investigators, Genesis Sanchez Canales, the Dollar Tree employee, got into an argument with a female customer over grocery bags. The customer eventually “began to videotape the victim due to the verbal argument,” an arrest affidavit states.

In response to being filmed, Canales called the woman a “Karen.” At this point, cops allege, the customer’s husband “open hand slapped the victim to her left cheek.”

When officers responded to the store, they arrested Jason Allen Dobyns, 41. Since Dobyns has a prior battery conviction, he was charged with a felony for allegedly striking Canales.

 

[47of74]

Florida Man™ decided to go on a crime spree at a Wal-Mart during shop with a cop day. 

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The sheriff’s office wrote on Facebook that the would-be thief, only identified as “Brad,” tried to steal from a Walmart in St. Cloud.

Thing is, Brad decided to conduct his botched heist at the same time the Walmart was holding a Shop With a Cop event where deputies were spending time with some local children, according to the Facebook post.

“The store was full of deputies, almost 40, beside the forensics team, the community services team, the CSOs, the OCSO Majors, and Sheriff Marcos R. Lopez.,” the post said. “Bad idea, Brad.”

 

[47of74]

A Chicago police officer became a temporary Florida Man in a vile manner

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A Chicago cop vacationing in Florida was arrested early yesterday after being caught urinating into an ice machine at a beachside bar, according to police who charged the visiting lawman with battery and disorderly conduct.

According to police, an employee of the Jimmy B’s Beach Bar in St. Petersburg was “attempting to get ice from the ice machine” around 12:30 AM when he discovered Henry Capouch, 30, “‘pissing’ on the ice in the machine.”

When the worker, Richard Klees, told Capouch to stop, the accused urinator cursed Klees and shoved him “a couple times,” according to an arrest affidavit. Capouch subsequently shoved a security guard, cops allege.

Upon arriving at the bar, which is part of the Beachcomber resort, police found Capouch and his girlfriend on the nearby sand. Capouch, cops charge, “was actively resisting” and “not obeying lawful commands while being detained.”

 

[ADoyle90815]

Florida man bitten in arm by alligator while washing hands in a pond - ABC News (go.com)

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A Florida man was bitten in the arm by an alligator Thursday while washing his hands in a pond, according to the City of Sanibel.

Fortunately, the man was able to break free from the alligator and call 911. People on the scene of the attack applied a tourniquet until EMS workers arrived, officials said in a statement.

He sustained a serious injury on his right arm and was transported to the hospital for treatment, according to officials.

 

Edited December 16, 2022 by ADoyle90815

[Howl]

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A Florida man was bitten in the arm by an alligator Thursday while washing his hands in a pond, according to the City of Sanibel...Fortunately, the man was able to break free from the alligator and call 911

Here in Texas we have a lot of things that  bite and sting...but not so many alligators.  HOWEVER, there is family lore that Uncle Blue was bitten on the hand by an alligator in Coleto Creek back in the day, and by back, I mean early turn of the century -- yeah, THAT century.  There are alligators on the Texas coast, but there's not a damn infestation of alligators. 

[47of74]

15 hours ago, ADoyle90815 said:

Florida man bitten in arm by alligator while washing hands in a pond - ABC News (go.com)

When my sister and brother in law lived in Orlando I went down to see them and one day we drove over to NASA and the coast.  (I wanted to burn up some gas since I had pre-paid for a fill up returning the rental).  Anyways we saw a fair number of alligators during the drive.

[Bluebirdbluebell]

Florida Man:

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Husband ‘threw Christmas tree at wife because she asked him to help with dinner’

Here's the link to the article.

'Tis the Damn Season

[Howl]

On 12/16/2022 at 9:51 AM, 47of74 said:

Anyways we saw a fair number of alligators during the drive.

I think I could deal with seeing alligators.  The number and variety of snakes, however *shudders*.   That's another ball o' wax.  Especially the pythons.  Slithering around and swimming.  In the swamps.  THE SWAMPS!  We have a National Swamp! 

Florida teen wins top prize by capturing 28 pythons in annual competition  1,000 people participated in the annual challenge, which removed 231 unwanted pythons from the wild

Heck no, I didn't read this article because is has photos of ginormous ssssssnakes. 

Edited December 29, 2022 by Howl

[Howl]

Perspective: 

 

[47of74]

Florida Woman™ learned that the fuzz can tell the difference between sex toys and glass pipes.

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After jail deputies conducting a strip search spotted what appeared to be a crack pipe “hanging from her vagina,” a Florida Woman claimed that the item was actually a sex toy and not drug paraphernalia, according to an arrest affidavit.

Carmela Ann Manies, 57, was busted yesterday on a warrant charging her with failing to appear in court in connection with an alleged theft last year at a Walmart store.

While Manies was being processed into the Pinellas County jail, a booking officer “observed an anomaly” after the inmate passed through a full-body scanner. During a subsequent strip search, jailers reported, a “glass pipe was protruding from defendant’s vagina.”

Manies removed the pipe from her body, threw it on the ground, and “stepped on it in an effort to destroy evidence,” investigators allege.

 

[47of74]

Florida Woman + Slim Jims equals another Florida Story

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A Florida Woman battered a convenience store clerk with a pair of Slim Jim beef sticks after being accused of shoplifting, police say.

Cops allege that Kacey Breazeale, 40, was confronted Monday afternoon by the female victim at the exit doors to the store, which is adjacent to a Citgo gas station.

Breazeale “pushed the victim to get past” and then struck the 34-year-old clerk “with 2 Slim Jim beef sticks she was stealing,” reported Officer Joshua Kokaisel of the Pinellas Park Police Department.

The clerk was not injured in the Slim Jim attack (and police did not seize the beef sticks as evidence). Seen at right, Breazeale reportedly admitted to the battery after being read her rights.

 

[47of74]

Florida Woman™ Shannon Hunter tried to game the urine sample she was required to give authorities after copping guilty pleas to a couple felonies.  Operative word is tried

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Hunter--who recently copped to possessing painkillers without a prescription and theft counts--apparently knew her urine would prove to be dirty. So she “attempted to use a prescription pill container full of an unknown liquid to pass her urinalysis,” an arrest affidavit notes.

The scheme--which involved Hunter “hiding the pill container inside herself”--was detected by probation officials familiar with the popular container-in-the-vagina gambit. Usually, such a container will hold synthetic urine sourced online or pee provided to the probationer by an acquaintance.

After being read her rights, Hunter, however, admitted that the liquid in her plastic container was just “soda and tap water,” a concoction that would have surely resulted in a failed test. While court records do not identify the soda involved, either Sprite or Mountain Dew would seem like a good bet.

It is unclear why Hunter thought submitting a urine sample containing no urine was a wise choice.

 

[47of74]

Florida Women™ and Florida Man™ got into it during a three way.

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Amid recriminations about a “little dick” and a “stank pussy,” a sexual threesome dissolved into a violent encounter that resulted in the two of the participants--a woman and a man--in handcuffs (but not the fuzzy pink kind).

According to arrest reports, the threesome occurred early Monday at a residence in Marathon in the Florida Keys. The home’s occupants--Steven Lopez, 31, and Angela Vazquez, 20--told police they were in an “open relationship” and had invited Della Draper, 29, over to “have sexual intercourse.”

Lopez said he met Draper while driving for a Marathon taxi service and “gave her his Facebook information.”

Lopez and Vazquez told cops that while the trio was having sex, Draper became “extremely disrespectful,” prompting the couple to request that she leave the residence.

This wasn't Draper's first Florida Woman™ go around either. 

[Howl]

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After jail deputies conducting a strip search spotted what appeared to be a crack pipe “hanging from her vagina,” a Florida Woman claimed that the item was actually a sex toy and not drug paraphernalia, 

Why not both?  Before I show myself out, is it OK to post Ron "Tiny D" DeSantis memes here, especially the White Boots memes?  He IS a Forida Man...also memes of Ms. DeSantis wearing formal Disney Princess gowns with elbow length white gloves when everyone else is in Florida formal attire, i.e., shorts, tank tops and flip flops?

[GreyhoundFan]

Games are not fun in FL:

[thoughtful]

Ordinarily, I figure that Florida doesn't really have more bizarre people behaving like assholes than any other place - it just has become a trope.

However, maybe there is something to it, and this may explain it all:

 

[47of74]

Missouri man became a temporary Florida Man™. 

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After using a butter knife to cause extensive paint damage to a 2023 Nissan, a Missouri man vacationing in Florida copped to the criminal mischief, describing his felonious conduct as a “spring break mistake,” police report.

The defendant, however, is a 52-year-old real estate executive, not a collegian sharing a St. Petersburg hotel room with eight friends.

According to cops, the vehicle’s owners, a married couple, spotted a man standing near their car Thursday evening and “making motions” near the driver’s side. When the duo confronted the man, he “laughed and ran off down the street.”

Upon examining the car, the couple discovered “the entire side of their vehicle had been scratched up and had extensive paint damage,” a criminal complaint states. “Lying next to the car on the floor was a silver butter knife that was used to damage the vehicle.”

 

[GreyhoundFan]

 

[47of74]

Yeah maybe phony vanity plate isn't such a good idea.

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A New Jersey man riding a motorcycle with a phony license plate reading “BENDOVER” led Florida cops on a high-speed chase that ended with the suspect crashing his ride, court records show.

Police say Justine Miranda, 20, was spotted Sunday evening “operating a motorcycle that had the fake New Jersey tag.” When a Clearwater Police Department officer approached Miranda on foot at a red light, the Newark resident “looked over at me and re-started the bike.”

Miranda, seen at right, then allegedly ignored “Stop, Police!” orders and sped “through a steady red light...putting the surrounding drivers in danger,” according to a criminal complaint.

Moments after fleeing from police, Miranda “was involved in a motorcycle crash,” after which he was transported for treatment at a local hospital.

 

[47of74]

Florida Man™ told the Fuzz the red powder they found on him was chili powder from his family.

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After being caught with a bag of heroin, a drug suspect told cops that his family “sent it to him from Guatemala and that he thought it was chili powder,” according to an arrest report.

Police say that Daniel Ascencio Barrera, 34, was pulled over Thursday evening as he drove in Clearwater, Florida. Ascencio Barrera was initially arrested for driving with a permanently revoked license.

During a subsequent search of Ascencio Barrera’s car, cops found a “large clear bag” containing a 29.7 gram mixture that field tested positive for heroin.

After being read his Miranda rights, Ascencio Barrera reportedly “stated that his family sent it to him from Guatemala and that he thought it was chili powder.”

Maybe he would've had better luck if he had told them it was oregano instead.