Florida Stories 2: The Adventures of Florida Man (and Woman)

[Ozlsn]

Naked Florida woman tasered after trashing Out back Steakhouse (NSFW)

Spoiler

 

Well preserved 53 year old.

Edited June 8, 2021 by Ozlsn
Stuffed up the spoiler

[WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?]

9 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

Well preserved 53 year old.

I'm a few years younger. While I'd be happy to have a body more like hers, I think I'll try to be glad I have more mental stability!

[front hugs > duggs]

Yall....I moved to Florida right as the pandemic hit. It's been an............experience.

Love my job, great opportunity (the reason we moved here), but my husband and I have very very very different opinions that central Florida will be where we spend the rest of our lives (we're 30/31). Rufus protect me from that happening.

[47of74]

Florida Woman, Missed You I Have

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A Florida Woman named Booze was arrested for drunk driving after allegedly slamming her car into a Taco Bell sign and then fleeing the scene, cops charge.

Kanisha Booze, 34, was busted late Friday following a crash near her home in St. Petersburg. Booze was charged with DUI involving property damage, leaving the scene of an accident, and driving with a suspended or revoked license.

Booze, seen at right, was released from the county jail Saturday morning after posting $1750 bond on the three misdemeanor counts. Booze, a mother of three, works at the Taco Bell where the crash occurred.

According to an arrest report, Booze struck a tree, the Taco Bell sign, and the eatery’s water meter around 10:20 PM. She was subsequently collared after being spotted speeding through two red lights near the restaurant.

 

[47of74]

Florida Woman isn't the only one trying to smuggle drugs into correctional institutions....

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Shaft Bang Adams, 30, was collared in mid-May for driving with a suspended or revoked license and booked into the Orange County jail on the misdemeanor count.

Adams, an Orlando resident, was familiar with the lockup owing to his 20-plus prior convictions for offenses like domestic assault; battery; possession of a controlled substance; delivery of cocaine; possession of a firearm by a convicted felon; false imprisonment; and possession of drug paraphernalia.

During the jail intake process, Adams was subjected to a strip search during which a correctional officer reported finding “4 crystal rocks white in color inside the ‘penis skin’ of Mr. Adams.” A subsequent field test of the rocks “tested positive for Methamphetamine.”

 

 

[Cartmann99]

3 hours ago, 47of74 said:

During the jail intake process, Adams was subjected to a strip search during which a correctional officer reported finding “4 crystal rocks white in color inside the ‘penis skin’ of Mr. Adams.” A subsequent field test of the rocks “tested positive for Methamphetamine.”

Wouldn't that be uncomfortable?

[47of74]

I don't think paying for school will be a problem for this Florida Man;

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A Florida Man is behind bars for allegedly trying to prey his way through college.

Rafael Woloski, 18, was arrested Friday on felony charges after allegedly trying to burglarize homes in the Vero Beach neighborhood where he lives with his parents.

Woloski, carrying a small knife, was apprehended by cops shortly after a caller dialed 911 to report that a male had entered her home through a broken window around 5:50 PM.

Pictured above, Woloski was collared after police spotted him walking a few blocks from the victim’s residence. During questioning, Woloski reportedly “admitted to committing three burglaries” in the neighborhood, including a break-in at a residence across the street from his family’s home.

 

On 6/23/2021 at 5:20 PM, Cartmann99 said:

Wouldn't that be uncomfortable?

Yeah I'd think so.  I don't know how someone could get something up there even if the person has been snipped.

[47of74]

On 6/10/2021 at 10:13 AM, front hugs > duggs said:

Yall....I moved to Florida right as the pandemic hit. It's been an............experience.

Love my job, great opportunity (the reason we moved here), but my husband and I have very very very different opinions that central Florida will be where we spend the rest of our lives (we're 30/31). Rufus protect me from that happening.

My sister and brother-in-law lasted about 2 years. Once my first niece was born that was enough to get my sister to move from Florida up to Iowa so she’d be just a few hours away.  

[Howl]

On 6/23/2021 at 1:55 PM, 47of74 said:

Florida Woman isn't the only one trying to smuggle drugs into correctional institutions....

Pretty sure that Shaft Bang Adams is NOT his real name. 

 

[47of74]

4 minutes ago, Howl said:

Pretty sure that Shaft Bang Adams is NOT his real name. 

 

At least not the name he was given at birth.  

[47of74]

Florida Man had been quiet lately.  Till now.

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Even by Florida's loose standards, a guy swinging a stolen alligator around by its tail at 3:20 AM in an attempt at “teaching it a lesson” is truly bizarre.

According to police, William Hodge, a 32-year-old fisherman, was arrested early today after officers spotted him trying to fling the purloined alligator atop a building in Daytona Beach Shores.

When Hodge’s attempt to launch the alligator failed, Hodge slammed the reptile to the ground and stomped on it, according to a charging affidavit.

When cops approached Hodge, seen at right, he “raised his hands up as if he were giving up and was taken into custody.” Asked what he was doing when throwing the alligator in the air, Hodge reportedly replied that he was "teaching it a lesson."

 

[47of74]

Florida TV argument turns violent

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During a dispute over whether to watch cartoons or the show “Monk,” a Florida Man struck his roommate at an assisted living facility over the head with his cane, according to cops who arrested the accused assailant on a felony charge.

Investigators say that Glenn Hutchinson, 58, struck the 56-year-old disabled victim during a confrontation Sunday evening at the Midway Manor facility in Clearwater. Both men are residents there due to “a variety of physical conditions,” according to an arrest affidavit.

 

[47of74]

Florida woman did a virtual visit with her boyfriend who is in jail.  And decided to put on a show for him.

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During a video visitation with her jailed boyfriend, a Florida Woman exposed her breasts and masturbated, according to police who arrested her for the alleged lewd display.

According to court records, Danielle Ferrero, 38, traveled Sunday afternoon to the Charlotte County jail for an hour-long virtual visit with inmate Cody Thomas, 25. Ferrero was in the lockup’s Video Visitation Building, while Thomas was elsewhere in the facility.

During their visit, Ferrero and Thomas “frequently talked in a lewd manner speaking of sex, sexual organs and sexual activities,” according to a police report. Ferrero “frequently flaunted and rubbed her breasts, covered, showing the revealing outfit that she was wearing calling her outfit naughty.”

Near the session’s conclusion, Ferrero exposed her breasts to Thomas, “resulting in the visitation to be cancelled by staff at the visitation center.”

And of course she has legal problems of her own beyond just the charges she racked up for the show.

[Howl]

Alabama says "Hold my beer and watch this!"

An Alabama man thought he’d been shot by an intruder. It turns out it was his wife’s boyfriend, secretly living in their house

Also, because Alabama, the wife's boyfriend is also her cousin. 

More Alabama: 

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The sheriff’s office hadn’t uncovered a motive for the wife telling her husband that Amacker [the boyfriend] was an intruder, WKRG reported. Investigators said she was too intoxicated to be interviewed after the shooting, the news outlet reported.

Yet more Alabama: 

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Amacker [the boyfriend] was in jail on charges of attempted murder, possession of a firearm with an altered serial number and possession of a controlled substance.

 

Edited August 24, 2021 by Howl

[47of74]

1 hour ago, Howl said:

Alabama says "Hold my beer and watch this!"

An Alabama man thought he’d been shot by an intruder. It turns out it was his wife’s boyfriend, secretly living in their house

Also, because Alabama, the wife's boyfriend is also her cousin. 

More Alabama: 

Yet more Alabama: 

 

Gonna hop right out on the old very well worn limb here and guess that none of the parties involved are vaccinated and have no intent of doing so.  I suppose if I wanted I could practice in Alabama and be in for lots of fun but I'm not one for the heat and living in the middle of a bunch of Branch Trumpvidians.

[47of74]

 Yeah Florida woman has been quiet as of late so she had to do something to get back in the news.

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After stealing armfuls of clothing from a Tommy Hilfiger store, Ramiya Johnson, 23, and a female sidekick ran out an emergency exit and fled Thursday evening in a Cadillac Escalade driven by a male accomplice, Florida police report.

Following an alert issued for the SUV, a cop pulled over the vehicle two hours after the heist at an outlet mall in Orlando, according to an arrest affidavit. Inside the getaway car police found four “Tommy Hilfiger shopping bags filled with clothes.”

Investigators estimated that the stolen merchandise--which still had anti-theft sensors in place--was worth in excess of $750 (but less than $5000).

In addition to the garments in the shopping bags, cops noticed that Johnson and Kelah Hoffman, 26, “were both wearing Tommy Hilfiger shirts.” As seen above, Johnson’s "Essential Logo" polo actually still had its Hilfiger hang tag (and $59.99 price tag) attached to the collar.

 

[47of74]

Florida man decided he wanted to show off for his date so he took her on a motorcycle ride.  Which turned into a high speed chase when he blew past some cops.  They broke off pursuit but were later able to catch him.  And it was a first date.

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After being read his rights, Beverly reportedly confessed and “stated he was trying to show off for his date.”

His passenger, however, was not impressed.

The woman told cops she was “screaming at him to stop, but he refused.” Officer Kyle Bingham noted that, “This was their first date.”

Beverly, who lives in Tampa, was charged with a felony for fleeing cops at high speed with wanton disregard for the safety of others. He was released from the county jail Sunday morning after posting $10,000 bond.

That's not his first brush with the law either.  He had previous convictions for theft, cocaine possession, and passing a counterfeit check.

Yeah I don't think date number two is going to be a thing here.  I would advise anyone going out on a first date in Florida to take a stroll through at least the googles to see if the potential date turns up anything bad on there. 

[47of74]

Temporary Florida Woman in action

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A naked woman on a midnight golf cart joyride was arrested early Saturday when she drove through a police perimeter in Florida, cops say.

While officers were involved in an armed standoff with a teenager, Jessica Smith, 28, drove past several patrol cars while behind the wheel of a golf cart. Smith allegedly ignored a police command to depart the area and continued to approach “the target house of where the armed suspect was on the roof.”

When Smith, police say, refused to exit the golf cart, she “was assisted out and handcuffed” around 12:05 AM. Smith smelled of alcohol and was “completely nude,” according to a criminal complaint charging her with obstruction, a misdemeanor.

The complaint lists Smith’s home address as a residence in West Roxbury, Massachusetts. Smith’s parents own a home about a mile from where she was arrested in Dunedin, a city in the Tampa Bay area.

 

[47of74]

 Florida Woman blamed antics on potion

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Responding to a call about a woman acting erratically on the beach in St. Augustine Beach, cops and fire rescue workers late last month discovered Kailani Jo Kroll, 39, in distress.

Kroll, who lives two blocks from the beach, said she needed CPR and other treatment. But while being escorted to an ambulance, Kroll began running back and forth.

But as police and firemen began entering their vehicles to depart the scene, someone yelled, “She’s stealing the truck!” Kroll, investigators allege, had opened the door of an unsecured fire engine and got in the driver’s seat. St. Johns County Fire Rescue personnel responded by pulling her from the cab.

After reportedly struggling with cops who tried to handcuff her, Kroll offered an apology, according to a police report detailing the August 20 incident. “I’m sorry for trying to take the truck, I lost my marbles,” she said. When Officer Hand asked if she “was under the influence of anything,” Kroll replied “she was not but had taken the ‘Elixir of Life.’”

I'm wondering how long it'll be until Florida Man and Florida Woman try blaming Ivermectin for their criminal activities?

[47of74]

Florida Man learned the hard way that wearing certain clothes makes one more identifiable

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When shoplifting, it is best to wear nondescript clothing so as to make as little an impression as possible on any prospective witnesses.

Which is to say you should not don a Rob Gronkowski football jersey when boosting watches from a Walmart in the Tampa Bay area.

Police charge that Joel Lewis, 41, swiped two watches (worth $39.76) from a Walmart in Largo on Saturday afternoon. A store employee provided cops with a description of the suspect “to include the ‘Gronkowski’ jersey he was wearing.”

Lewis, who was hiding in a bush near Walmart, was apprehended within minutes of the theft. Still in his Gronkowski jersey, Lewis was collared after a short foot chase. He reportedly confessed to stealing the watches and “apologized for his actions,” according to a court filing.

 

[47of74]

I think you got your substances mixed up dude...

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Matthew Cusumano, 46, was stopped around 2:45 AM Friday by cops who spotted him riding a bicycle without lights in Madeira Beach, Florida. A records check revealed that Cusumano was wanted on a fugitive warrant issued in June after he failed to appear in a Missouri court on a felony drug charge.

After Cusumano, seen at right, was taken into custody on the out-of-state warrant, police searched him and found two drug pipes and 10.01 grams of a crystal substance that Cusumano reportedly identified as methamphetamine.

Cusumano, a sheriff’s deputy reported, claimed that the confiscated items were for “medicinal methamphetamine usage.”

 

[47of74]

Get the FUCK off my lawn!

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After demanding that an interloper get off his sprawling lawn, a 90-year-old Florida Man twice punched a neighbor in the face, according to cops who arrested the rowdy nonagenarian for battery and resisting arrest.

Police say Thomas Conrad was busted Saturday afternoon following a dispute over a gardener cutting grass outside his home in Sorrento, a city 30 miles from Orlando.

Conrad’s next-door neighbor, Jack Henson, 46, told police that his “lawn guy was being yelled at by [Conrad] for being on his property while cutting the grass.” Conrad recalled telling the gardener to “get off his property,” according to an arrest affidavit.

After asking Conrad “numerous times” to leave them alone, Henson recalled, an “agitated and aggressive” Conrad declared, “I should punch you.” Henson said he replied, “Go ahead, but I wouldn’t advise or police will get called.”

Those old dudes in Florida sure are ornery.

[47of74]

We have a trifecta.  Florida Man.  Meth.  Imaginary girlfriend. 

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An accused auto burglar told cops that he broke into a vehicle so that he could “see his imaginary girlfriend Emma,” with whom he visits while “tripping on meth,” according to a Florida police report.

Matthew Huber, 43, was arrested Tuesday evening after witnesses spotted him attempting to burglarize a Nissan truck parked outside a Walmart in Vero Beach.

During police questioning, Huber reportedly admitted to opening the vehicle’s tailgate and “looking for something to take.” Huber, seen above, explained that he intended to then “sell those things for some meth, so he can see Emma.”

 

[Flossie]

On 10/14/2021 at 10:28 AM, 47of74 said:

We have a trifecta.  Florida Man.  Meth.  Imaginary girlfriend. 

I thought about if there was a possibility that Matthew really thought Emma exists in some kind of parallel universe that he could only visit when on meth, which would be sad.

Then, I thought the "I can only see my girlfriend when on meth" seems to indicate that Matthew knows there is no Emma, and is hoping to use that excuse as a ploy for sympathy.  So I originally gave this story a laughing emoji.

But what if Matthew really thinks Emma is real, but also knows that no one else believes in her?  Apparently, he never called her imaginary, he just said that he could only see her when he "was tripping".

But what if it's true?  Emma exists in this other place, and he can only see her by taking a drug that is destined to fry his brain poison his body with death as the eventual outcome?  Does she understand this?  Why isn't she encouraging Matthew to stop taking meth and find a woman on his own realm?  It's a well-known trope, the story of lovers kept apart by astronomical forces, but unless one can find a way to cross over the story always ends in sadness.  Matthew seems ready to kill himself to see you, Emma.  Why don't you cut him loose and refuse to see him?  It's the best thing for both of you.  Or are you so selfish that you'll bask in the attention of a man willing to kill himself for a few hours in your presence, with no chance of a lasting relationship?

Damn.  Although I think Emma is a figment of Matthews imagination, maybe he believes she real in some aspect.  Someone who loves him best when he's on meth, when everyone else would like him to clean up.

Matthew, this is the power of drugs.  You like meth so much you've invented a reason to keep taking it.  Whether you really see Emma when you're tripping, or you make up your time with her after you've come down, this isn't healthy.  I'm sorry for you, Matthew, because this isn't going to end well.

Now I have to replace my laughing emoji with a sad one.

[47of74]

Remember, Florida Man, a courtesy flush is important.  Also ease up on the baked beans.

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A Florida inmate charged with assaulting his roommate told cops that the victim “farts too much stinking up the cell” and fails to “give a courtesy flush” after using their shared toilet, according to an arrest report.

Investigators allege that Christopher Callen, 33, pummeled Amado Dominguez-Quevedo, 57, during a confrontation Thursday night inside their cell at the Monroe County Detention Center in Key West.

Callen (seen above) has been jailed since his arrest in late-September for failing to register as a sex offender with Florida officials (he was convicted of a sex offense in Colorado in 2012). Dominguez-Quevedo, locked up on $40,000 bond, has been in custody since his February arrest for aggravated battery and indecent exposure.

During an interview at a hospital emergency room, Dominguez-Quevedo said he was cleaning the toilet when Callen grabbed him by the shirt and began punching him in the face and ribs. Dominguez-Quevedo, cops noted, “stated that he had no idea why he was being attacked out of the blue and that it seemed random.”