Bro Gary Hawkins 10: Nouvelle Cuisine

[PumaLover]

OK folks, here’s Puma’s latest Bro Gary recap. She’s cringing cuz the sound was turned all the way up and they start with a song. It’s as bad as the others. Just because you like to sing doesn’t mean you SHOULD sing. Sounds like the song is “Lean on Me” but not that famous one we all like. (OMG it's so long and Puma needs to learn to paraphrase and edit but she can't.)

Oh Rufus I thought it was over but then it kept going. I’m physically wincing. Like really. There’s some meager clapping.

Something about there being a banjo in heaven. I actually want to learn to play the banjo cuz I really like it, but now I’m not so sure. Haymayun there’s pilgrim passin’ through.

Bro Gary doesn’t know how to play so he’ll just put a CD in the player. It’s scratched. When he gets to heaven he’ll be able to play the banjo.

Oh, there’s more banjo. Thought we were done. Turned the volume down but it’s even worse than the last. The banjo just overpowers the singing but I can still hear the off key singing. This is the SECOND TIME yesterday that they’ve done this and PEOPLE ASK FOR THEM. WHAT?? WHY? I have just second hand embarrassment for the kids!!

Bro is ready to go to heaven. He’ll be ready to go tonight. (cuz you don’t have to work there? Oh wait.)

Holy Rufus Becks is unwrapping candy fucking again and zipping her purse OMG just stop.

Now we’re in Matthew ch. 15. Oh wait 18. He’s gonna tell you what’s on his heart.

If his brother should trespass against me… if he will not hear me… oh geez I can’t follow. His reading is halting and awkward.

Where two or three are gathered, Jesus wants to be in the midst of everything we’re doing for him. Haymayun. Don’t take it for granted.

He travels all around the United States. Why just in America? Cuz America is one of the most forgotten places on the mission fields. He talks about people from Alabama that came up for a funeral (I think to NY) and then are headed back to AL and then Africa (I wonder if they’re going to the city and state of Botswana, AFRICA!?). Africa and Afghanistan needs the gospel. He travels all around the world and America needs the gospel. They get out of there on time cuz they started at 10 after.

God is the institute of family first. He instituted the family. Adam and Eve. They had kids. God is not in many families anymore. Some of the ones that’s inside the church. He was just up in NY and there’s a schoolteacher that’s telling him about kids that don’t have a mama or don’t have a daddy. He doesn’t believe in child abuse. If his mama’s raising him today, his mama was child abusin’ him. She didn’t hit him, she beat him. (Fabulous). We need God in our families.

Rufus he is all over the place, worse than I am. He can’t carry a straight thought. On Sundays he only eats one time a day, not before he preaches. (OK Bro.) They need to be fed in the word of God. You only have 3 or 4 services a week. (That seems like a lot).

He cannot lose his salvation. Something about feeding his flesh and being the head of the house. Becky gives an, Amen. Some people’s across the country thinks the bibles just for preachers but it’s for everyone, even a lady-person. (I’m gonna rewind and make sure that’s what he actually said. OK I think he said lay-person. At least I hope so.)

Oh geez FJ. He says everything should be able to understand the King James Bible cuz it’s written at a 5th or 6th grade level. I literally don’t know if I should even go on.

There’s more divorce amongst Christians than the rest of the world cuz they don’t have God in their marriages. Getting old sucks. His brother Josh Hawkins is goin’ to the cancer center tomorrow and he probably has some kind of cancer. That might pull their family closer together but God should pull the family together.

God should be the the third person in your marriage. Because woman and man cannot get along. If they get God in the midst they can agree. (Mr. Puma and I are heathens and we’ve gotten along pretty well for 13 years.)

Bro Gary says he is not a perfect father and he’s far from it but he’s brought his kids up in the church. The kids don’t ask, are we going to church? They ask, what church are we going to now? (I’m guessing that’s just the two boys who travel with them.) Raise these kids up with different instruments. He said the music sounded pretty good. (Um…)

A lot of people not raising children for God. OMG FJ. He says he has two boys living at home and he lets them have fun about every 6 months. He believes children should have fun every once in awhile. I think I feel a new location coming on.

When do you start spanking/whupping your children? Start em early. They was over at a friend’s house and the baby started crying. Babies crying annoy Bro and he doesn’t want to hear it. So the parent picked it up and the baby stopped crying and the baby got exactly what it wanted. (BECKY FUCKING LAUGHS!!!!111!) We need to be raising babies for God. He rambles but basically says the babies should be in church (and not crying, apparently.)

He’s rambling on but all I can think about is beating and neglecting babies. God wants his church to be lively. (Pretty sure if God were real he wouldn’t want babies being beaten.) Becky is excited about passing out tracts. (Hope D-Rod didn’t print them.) God doesn’t come up north in the winter cuz of snow and everyone laughs. He’s ranting about air conditioners. I had to get up and make another drink.

He’s not good when it comes to deaths, and when he opens his mouth he says things he shouldn’t be saying. (I can only imagine). He sang a little tonight and made a joyful noise but didn’t know how good he did. He didn’t know he was coming up here to this town, and if they forget who he is that’s fine, but don’t forget Jesus. He was beat and suffered. He’s startin’ to yell. Worship him like we believe he’s alive. Talking about Facebook and people who will watch this video and something something. He was up in Maine and there’s a bunch of towns that don’t have Bible believin’ churches. He apparently got lost finding the church and Becky laughs. Bro doesn't believe in contemporary music and doesn't believe Christian rock is a thing. 

If you don't like Donald Trump don't talk to Bro. (OK). You know why Donald Trump don't have glasses? He got 20/20 vision. He mumbles something else about Trump that I can't understand. Something about a preacher on Facebook that doesn't like Donald Trump (That one preacher that tried to reason with Bro? I think?) If Hillary  had got in office, the people in church wouldn't be here now.

Why did Donald Trump get in office? Cuz a lot of people who were born again got on their knees. And God heard, and answered. Does he believe Trump is saved? He's not.  But when he hears Pence, the first thing he says is something about God but he doesn't read the right version of the Bible. If Pence is saved then Trump might be.

Whether Jesus comes in 2019, whether he comes in 2020 or 2021, we need to pray for our president. Bro isn't giving in to socialism or transgenders or sodomites. If they come to church and get borned again they won't do that crap. The lord can come any day. He's done and so am I.

[Dandruff]

3 hours ago, PumaLover said:

When do you start spanking/whupping your children? Start em early. They was over at a friend’s house and the baby started crying. Babies crying annoy Bro and he doesn’t want to hear it. So the parent picked it up and the baby stopped crying and the baby got exactly what it wanted. (BECKY FUCKING LAUGHS!!!!111!) We need to be raising babies for God. He rambles but basically says the babies should be in church (and not crying, apparently.)

Holy crap.  I can see why most of their children are with their other parents.  I wouldn't wish these two on any baby.

[CTRLZero]

5 hours ago, PumaLover said:

His brother Josh Hawkins is goin’ to the cancer center tomorrow and he probably has some kind of cancer.

This is scary.  If I followed @keepercjr's post correctly, this must be the brother that works for a delivery service, and his wife is also employed.  (Please correct me if I'm wrong.)  I hope they have health insurance. 

@PumaLover - you're a champ for doing these recaps!  Thank you!

[keepercjr]

hearing about bro talk about beating babies and not believe in child abuse makes me sick.  I am sure he didn't keep it to his own kids and was equally as bad to Beckys kids too when she had them in her custody.  These 2 don't deserve to have any children in their custody.  Endless church services listening to their dad scream about hell is child abuse in my book.  Of course your kids ask what church are they going to because it is the only life they know.  I am an atheist but if Gary's God exists then he and Becky are in for a rude awakening.  Him for being Gary and her for abandoning her kids and failing to protect his kids (and hers when they had them).  He is amusing from the outside but I doubt his poor boys find anything fun about their lives (other than the every 6 months visit to the park or whatever)

@CTRLZero Yes that is the brother.  I hope he is ok.  He has several young kids.  (I honestly can't say I'd have any compassion if it was G with any sort of diagnosis.  I don't wish him dead but I am pretty sure I couldn't muster any fucks)

[PumaLover]

2 hours ago, keepercjr said:

hearing about bro talk about beating babies and not believe in child abuse makes me sick. 

What's even worse is the reaction from several members of the church agreeing with him when he said those things. He's among like-minded people and it's very disturbing.

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

So he thinks we should beat babies?!  A big fuck you Bro Gary you asswipe, that nose demon you’ve got has invaded your little black heart!  Did I say fuck you, well good I have a eleventy million for you!  

Thanks @PumaLover for the recap, once again you have gone beyond the call of duty.    

                              U 

[smittykins]

12 hours ago, PumaLover said:

There’s more divorce amongst Christians than the rest of the world cuz they don’t have God in their marriages.

Aren’t both Gary and Becks previously divorced?

[wallysmommy]

I tried to listen to the singing, but my dogs started howling and barking with the music.  

@PumaLover Thank you for suffering through this torture.  If you're a vodka/bloody mary drinker, I found some canned bloody mary's today locally at a big liquor store.  It might take the edge off the caterwauling.

[keepercjr]

9 hours ago, smittykins said:

Aren’t both Gary and Becks previously divorced?

Yes they were both previously married.

[PumaLover]

Thanks @wallysmommy I do love vodka, but only with cranberry juice. I've never had a bloody mary cuz I hate celery, tomato juice and I believe it contains worcestershire sauce (which has anchovy in it) and I'm a vegetarian. But mostly I just really, really loathe celery and can't even have it in the house because of the smell. It's vile!

As for the comment about Christian divorce rates, count me in! I am clearly no longer Christian but my ex convinced me to become a Christian and I was so easily swayed at the age of 19 that I accepted Jesus, only to please him (BF at the time). I could LITERALLY feel myself changing and crossing over to the other side. We "courted" and were modest and chaste* and he was pretty much fundie or fundie lite. I've never been able to figure it out.

I was a virgin til my wedding day but not by my own choice. *we did a lot of shit, everything but the actual act. And then he felt guilty and cried. Then I cried! Why? Why did I go along with it!? I was so fucking brainwashed.

I fucking left him when I was 27 and I cannot tell you how liberating it was. I took my dog and cat and goldfish and hermit crabs and we moved to our own  place. That was 2006 and it was literally the best and most exhiliarating thing I've ever done, and I have zero regrets.

**All of this was inspiration for the book I'm writing, and Bro Gary has inspired a little of it. The parts about the horribly abusive, transphobic, hateful, judgemental people. Thankfully the heroine of my book escapes it all and tries not to look back.

Oh geez Puma is dropping the F-bombs. Too close. Time to step away from the FreeJinger.

[wallysmommy]

I love Bloody Marys.  We can even get them at the drive-thru daiquiri shops in our area.  32 oz. in a styrofoam cup, straw taped to top of the lidded cup = closed container.  I looked it up and cranberry juice and vodka is a Cape Cod -- I learned something that probably everyone else knows.  

His whole comment about Christian divorce rates makes no sense, just like most of his statements.  He rambles like he's drunk.

[acheronbeach]

4 hours ago, wallysmommy said:

I love Bloody Marys.  We can even get them at the drive-thru daiquiri shops in our area.  32 oz. in a styrofoam cup, straw taped to top of the lidded cup = closed container.  I looked it up and cranberry juice and vodka is a Cape Cod -- I learned something that probably everyone else knows.  

His whole comment about Christian divorce rates makes no sense, just like most of his statements.  He rambles like he's drunk.

Drive thru daiquiris sounds... unwise.

[PumaLover]

You can get drive through alcoholic drinks? That's a thing? Also I didn't know cranberry juice and vodka is a Cape Cod. I've always called it a vodka cranberry.

As to Bro sounding drunk when he preaches and rambles, maybe that's why I understand him better late at night after I've been drinking. Still do not condone all the racism and homophobia and baby beating. Ugh!

[wallysmommy]

South Louisiana -- can't have an open container, but you can get an alcoholic beverage at a drive-thru.

[thoughtful]

29 minutes ago, wallysmommy said:

South Louisiana -- can't have an open container, but you can get an alcoholic beverage at a drive-thru.

That's taking "let the good times roll" literally. 

[WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?]

32 minutes ago, wallysmommy said:

South Louisiana -- can't have an open container, but you can get an alcoholic beverage at a drive-thru.

Are other drinks available at drive-thrus, or is it just daiquiris?

[wallysmommy]

Beer, bloody mary and daiquiris.  I don't condone open containers, and you'll get busted pretty quickly in St. Tammany Parish for having one (as witnessed by the number of stops on Live PD).  The drive-thru is better than going into the bar since it reeks of stale cigarette smoke.

[EyesOpen]

My goodness @PumaLover thanks for taking one (more!) for the team! I can’t listen to his videos they give me so much second hand embarrassment.

thess people are the ignorant, uneducated, hateful, baby beating alt right patriarchs trying to take our rights away though. Makes me sick. 

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

Today’s Jacob’s 12th Birthday.  I’m not fat shaming here, I’m far from thin and I have people I love who are big, but Becky is gaining a lot it seems.  Her lifestyle is not a healthy one with traveling, little exercise  and what they eat, I hope she doesn’t develop high BP or worse, she’s still fairly young.  Stay well Becky.

Spoiler

 

[waltraute]

Drive thru daiquiris sounds... unwise.

It does, doesn't it? And yet, I'll admit that as soon as I read that, I was googling to see if there were any in my area.

[Closed Womb]

2 hours ago, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

Today’s Jacob’s 12th Birthday.  I’m not fat shaming here, I’m far from thin and I have people I love who are big, but Becky is gaining a lot it seems.  Her lifestyle is not a healthy one with traveling, little exercise  and what they eat, I hope she doesn’t develop high BP or worse, she’s still fairly young.  Stay well Becky.

  Reveal hidden contents

 

This is also a very unflattering photo of her.  Most people would look larger from this angle.  

I can’t really tell much of a difference in the current vs. older pics (I can see) of her standing up, except that her feet seem SO swollen now, especially in recent videos.  My feet swell like crazy when I travel, or sit too long.  Traveling to camp meetings and then sitting through his long winded bullshit, err, sermons, can't be good.  The swelling concerns me more than her overall weight.    

I can’t even wrap my head around the life of Becky.  She’s a sadness to me.  

[Black Aliss]

2 hours ago, Closed Womb said:

I can’t really tell much of a difference in the current vs. older pics (I can see) of her standing up, except that her feet seem SO swollen now, especially in recent videos.  My feet swell like crazy when I travel, or sit too long.  Traveling to camp meetings and then sitting through his long winded bullshit, err, sermons, can't be good.  The swelling concerns me more than her overall weight.    

I seem to recall (but don't feel like doing the research for a cite) that Becky was already on disability for some lifestyle-related disease. The swollen feet and legs make me think congestive heart failure.

[catlady]

Ok, folks.  I was feeling crafty after a day in the garden, so I present Red Weens in ME

 

[keepercjr]

@catlady and other crafty people... how do you explain your FJ inspired creations to others?!  Do they hide out in a secret place where you can look and have a giggle every once in a while?

[catlady]

12 minutes ago, keepercjr said:

@catlady and other crafty people... how do you explain your FJ inspired creations to others?!  Do they hide out in a secret place where you can look and have a giggle every once in a while?

In general, only Mr CL knows about them, because he’s the only one in my real life who knows about FJ.  I do have 2 on display—the recent prince in the pudding is in the living room, so our home health aides see it, but our regular one already thinks I’m a bit off, so she probably hasn’t even noticed it.  And then there’s the Chelsy and John Maxwell Memorial Bathroom*.  I put that one away when people come over.  It’s easier not to explain......

*during the livestream of the wedding/celebration of Steve’s balls, I wa painting my bathroom the same color as the bridesmaid dresses.  Another poster suggested it.  

Re:  It Bible—i’m Going to finish that one with a broken down vee-hickle.