Why won't Sarah leave?

[TMS]

I was thinking of Sarah Maxwell, and wondering if she ever dreams of escaping. I mean, she is a beautiful, 30 year old woman who wants to be married and raise a family someday. However, things are looking kinda bleak at this point and if she continues to live under the authority/"umbrella of protection" of her parents, she may very well end up an old maid. Her dad has succeeded in making it very, very difficult for her to escape, assuming a few things - she probably doesn't have her own bank account. She has no formal schooling, none of her own friends to turn to, no college education, has never worked outside the home, and is so overprotected, that I'm not sure she would even know where to go or what to do if she did leave. But it's hard to go anywhere without money, and I just have the feeling Steve has control over her money, just like everything else in his household. Another thing I thought of - if she escaped, I'm assuming her parents would have nothing to do with her. Of course I don't know this, but how else does Steve have such a tight reign on every single one of his adult children? Does he keep their money in a bank account under his name? Is there an unspoken threat that they will never speak to their children again if they leave the family? Just rambling thoughts...how does a young woman manage to escape a life like this?

[kpmom]

Unfortunately, I believe the only way Sarah could escape is to marry a man who eventually becomes fundy-lite or mainsteam Christian (or drops religion altogether). Steve would never allow a mainstream Christian in the door, so this would have to happen after the marriage, and Sarah, good submissive wife that she would be, would have to go along with it. They'd also have to live far away from Steve and Teri.

Otherwise, this lifestyle is just so ingrained in all of them, I just don't see Sarah, or any of them leaving it. All but two of the Maxwell siblings are adults, and none have left, or even lightened up little. They all live the *exact* same lifestyle. How many siblings do you know where that happens? None that I know of.

[bananacat]

I think if a Maxwell kid left, Steve would hunt them down and drag them back home. But the girls will never leave because they would have so much trouble getting a job in this economy. Razing Ruth managed to get out because of a contact she formed with a neighbor who then helped her when she was really in trouble. The Duggar girls could theoretically reach out to a cameraman, cousin Amy, or some of the firefighters that volunteer with JD and Jana. Even the Bateses probably have a few non-fundie contacts. For someone who is in an abusive controlling situation, sometimes all it takes is for one person to reach out and offer help. Even if it's just a minor acquaintance, the abuse victim can really latch onto that and at least have a seed of a plan. But for the Maxwells, it's all family all the time. I'm sure they are kept very distant from any non-fundie relatives and if they do see them occasionally, they certainly aren't allowed to have access to their contact information. They have church in a nursing home so any people they meet aren't generally in a position to help financially, although maybe some of them have visiting relatives that would reach out the Sarah. And I think Sarah would have a tough time leaving her mother. I know that Steve is preventing Teri from getting real treatment for her depression just so he can have more control over her and it will be a lot harder for her to leave. It's sort of like breaking your wife's legs so she can't escape, except he doesn't get as much flack for it because a lot of people still don't take depression seriously.

[dawbs]

I think she'd be afraid of failure if she leaves too.

I am trying to put this into words and struggling, but, if she stays and her life is a 'failure', it's the fault of the 'system'--of her dad, of her mom, of fundiedom, etc.

If she LEAVES and 'fails'--(using the term 'fails' loosely--is unhappy, gets raped/murdered/abused, is infertile, gets married and then divorced, *insert other crappy things here*), well, that's going to be seen by her as either 1-a punishment for being a bad ebil daughter or 2-because she is a failure. (nevermind that she was set up to fail and that 'failure' isn't always the worst thing that can happen to us)

It would be helpful if there were 'halfway houses' for people leaving these places, teaching them how to manage in the real world. Are there? I have to imagine that this is a real need--former Amish, former fundie, former foster kid, former whatever.

[IReallyAmHopewell]

I think it's important to remember that the words "family" and "parents" can be so emotionally charged. The life she has is all she knows. I'm sure the way she has been raised she probably feels "blessed" to be so "protected."

Like others have said, where is the $ to leave? Supportive people to stay with for a while? I'm sure she would be a valuable employee to anyone in a service type job--she has experience. Still, who will guide her in finding ANY job to survive with at first? It's very, very hard to leave.

That said, how did try it when she was younger and failed or was "caught?" and had the rebellion "prayed" out of her?

Probably she didn't try because it wouldn't occur to her that she's miserable. We are all looking at her life thru a very different lens. But I do wish she could have more freedom, could be who she wants to be.....

[PennySycamore]

I know there are support networks for women escaping the FLDS cult and I think there may be some support available for Amish young people who decide the leave. There does need to be a support network for fundie kids, as well, though.

[gardenvarietycitizen]

I know there are programs for former Amish (or just Amish who decide not to formally join the church via baptism, so they're not shunned from their families but just need help in joining the modern world and support that their still friendly families simply can't give) and there are support programs for people leaving insular Hassidic Jewish communities (Footsteps is one place).

Needing to catch up on education is a big part of it too - with some people there are language issues on top of it all.

If Sarah were to leave it would probably have to be to some sort of women's shelter where they help out with all that "alien just arrived to Earth with no clue and no resources" type things, but finding such a place (and realizing that she wanted to) would be hurdles on their own.

Their family is just SO isolated, they don't even attend a church with enough people to allow a critical mass of "we're all getting along okay, life's pleasant enough I guess but you know, when I actually sit down and think about some of this stuff, I'm starting to suspect it's all bullshit" people can form (which is how people sometimes manage to realize that they need the support programs for the other groups).

[lilwriter85]

I know there are support networks for women escaping the FLDS cult and I think there may be some support available for Amish young people who decide the leave. There does need to be a support network for fundie kids, as well, though.

There are networks for Amish people who leave. I saw a documentary on NatGeo about it. This documentary was focused mostly in Missouri and it was about a guy in his 40's who had left the Amish lifestyle 20 years before and since then he had been spending a lot of time helping teens and 20 somethings get out. He even allowed some of them to live with him and wife and work in his business. He mentioned that often some ex-Amish people do help out people who want to leave.

I also saw the documentary about Flora Jessop and her helping escape FLDS. I think networks for escaped fundie kids or those wanting leave probably exist, but they exist in a underground type of thing.

[grateful1230]

The first thought I had when seeing the topic of this thread was "Stockholm Syndrome". I don't find it too hard to believe that a woman who has had 30 years of complete indoctrination of this Maxwell crap would have the guts to leave, or perhaps even to think of leaving.

That thought depresses me greatly, as Sarah and I are very close in age. I have graduated from college, had an incredible son (out of wedlock), and have moved out of my homestate, among 100 other things Sarah hasn't or won't get to do. While I'm living happily with my child and partner of years, she is..binding books and enjoying a rare treat of rice krispies?

[NurseNell]

he life she has is all she knows. I'm sure the way she has been raised she probably feels "blessed" to be so "protected." ................ We are all looking at her life thru a very different lens. But I do wish she could have more freedom, could be who she wants to be.....

It looks like they live in a neighborhood. Do you think they are friends with any of their non-fundie neighbors? Sarah would have to reach out to someone who'd be willing to help her. Even when they travel it doesn't sound like they interact with those who think differently than they do. She truly may not be able to envision any kind of life but the one she has. Sad.

[YPestis]

I don't think Sarah is being kept against her will. She's been so isolated and brainwashed from a young age that this is the only life she's ever known. Sarah has grown up being told every day that the outside world is sinful and she needs to be protected from that. I don't think Steve is actively trying to prevent Sarah from leaving this home. I don't even think he's self-aware enough to realize that isolation is preventing Sarah from getting married. Steve and Terri are so ensconced in their fundie world that they don't realize how much they're depriving their own children.

I noticed just recently they added the small blurb about Sarah hoping to be "wife and mother". I think it's Steve's way of advertising his daughter. I think the family is rooting for Sarah to get married but can't think past how their lifestyle choices have closed most avenues of courtship for their daughter.

Sarah is taught to not have any outside close friends. Her social scenes consist of ministering at a retirement home, greeting people on her trip and.....that's about it. Her parents don't realize that most young men won't court a girl they met through superficial meet and greets at their ministry performances. It saddens me to think this may be the fate all the Maxwells will suffer. To be forever waiting for a husband, not realizing a few simple social outings with people their own age is all it takes to start the courtship ball rolling.....

[kunoichi66]

I don't think Sarah is being kept against her will. She's been so isolated and brainwashed from a young age that this is the only life she's ever known. Sarah has grown up being told every day that the outside world is sinful and she needs to be protected from that. I don't think Steve is actively trying to prevent Sarah from leaving this home. I don't even think he's self-aware enough to realize that isolation is preventing Sarah from getting married. Steve and Terri are so ensconced in their fundie world that they don't realize how much they're depriving their own children.

But neither Steve nor Terri grew up like this, did they?

I'm fairly sure that Steve knows exactly what he's doing.

[YPestis]

But neither Steve nor Terri grew up like this, did they?

I'm fairly sure that Steve knows exactly what he's doing.

They didn't grow up this way but they've decided that their way is superior. They are trying to provide an upbringing that they believe is more holy/pure/whathaveyou than what they had. Steve and Terri have spoken of their past "sins". Steven mentions bringing alcohol to his dad (the horror!) and enjoying "meaningless fun". Terri has her pepsi addiction LOL.

I don't get the impression that Steve is trying to actively prevent Sarah from marrying. I just think Sarah is so isolated that she can't attract any guys. Besides, in cold economic terms, it won't look good for the family business if they have three unmarried spinsters at home. Terri and Steve also seem to look forward to grandchildren. If anything, Steve is probably scratching his head trying to figure out why Sarah isn't getting courted left and right. On a subconscious level, I can see Steve trying to stifle Sarah. Like I said, I just don't think he's that self-aware.

[Justme]

But neither Steve nor Terri grew up like this, did they?

I'm fairly sure that Steve knows exactly what he's doing.

No, not at all. Steve wasn't even a Christian until after his stint in the Air Force. They both graduated from college. Steve served in "nam. Sarah was very very young when they began their "decent". I doubt she even remembers what a "real" life is like. Steve has done an excellent job teaching his kids that "we" are "satan". She's had no TV, few books outside the Bible, no newspapers, very limited internet, etc.

[kunoichi66]

I don't get the impression that Steve is trying to actively prevent Sarah from marrying. I just think Sarah is so isolated that she can't attract any guys. Besides, in cold economic terms, it won't look good for the family business if they have three unmarried spinsters at home. Terri and Steve also seem to look forward to grandchildren. If anything, Steve is probably scratching his head trying to figure out why Sarah isn't getting courted left and right. On a subconscious level, I can see Steve trying to stifle Sarah. Like I said, I just don't think he's that self-aware.

I do think that Steve is trying to prevent it. If Sarah leaves, then he might not have so much control over her, and control is definitely something he likes. :?

He gives me the creeps. Perhaps that is affecting my judgement....

[IReallyAmHopewell]

But neither Steve nor Terri grew up like this, did they?

That's part of the problem with the whole movement. The older Maxwell kids are among the "guinea pig" generation of this movement. All of this has been done to them without knowing how much damage it could inflict on them psychologically (that's not to say it DOES harm them, just it could). No one grew up like this! No one "courted" in the way they want it done today. I'm Steve and Teri's age and even the most right wing of Christians were in public school or a few fledgling Christian Schools (outside the south where Christian School has been a cover for "white" school since desegregation in many places). I know people who, were they to be kids again today, would be in families like this but at the time NO ONE did this extreme sheltering/isolation. The fear mongering really began, it seems, with Bill Gothard. Yes, other preachers have used the "evil world" to advantage since time began, but Gothard and his "youth conflicts" really lit a fire under the "sheltering" movement. Then someone came up with what we know as homeschool today (previously there were correspondence schools for extreme situations, but they were far, far from the norm).

ALL of the parents you see who are over about 35 were definitely NOT raised like this. They dated, went to school, etc. Some women may have grown up dresses only, but in my life time (age 50) that wasn't as weird as it is today--we HAD to wear dresses for years to school. Many non-Quiverfull women are dresses only. No one, to my knowledge, espoused Christ opening and closing the womb until Mary Pride in "The Way Home."

[NurseNell]

No, not at all. Steve wasn't even a Christian until after his stint in the Air Force. They both graduated from college. Steve served in "nam. Sarah was very very young when they began their "decent". I doubt she even remembers what a "real" life is like. Steve has done an excellent job teaching his kids that "we" are "satan". She's had no TV, few books outside the Bible, no newspapers, very limited internet, etc.

Really? So what made Steve become Christian? No newspapers? Wow, I guess that really limits news of the outside from getting in. I know lots of people without TV but they have newspapers, the internet, radio, and of course life in the real world.

[skankbiscuit]

When I watched Disney's "Tangled", Rapunzel totally reminded me of Sarah :( Locked in a tower and fed lies about the outside world so she would be too afraid to leave.

[Daisy4]

Really? So what made Steve become Christian? No newspapers? Wow, I guess that really limits news of the outside from getting in. I know lots of people without TV but they have newspapers, the internet, radio, and of course life in the real world.

No, the newspaper was becoming an idol for Teri so they stopped reading it:

titus2.com/corners/5-09-m.htm

I think that Sarah and the other kids are totally brainwashed. I'm sure that they have relatives that would take them in, like the uncle who *gasp* celebrates easter with an egg hunt! Sarah and the others must know that they would be accepted by those relatives but she has been brainwashed to think that leaving will send her directly to hell.

[fundiefan]

She doesn't know any different. She's been told her whole life how bad and dangerous and ugly and ungodly the 'world' is and that family is all that matters. She knows no one outside her parent's circles. She has no idea that life can be different yet not bad and ugly and sinful. She can't comprehend it because she hasn't been exposed to the outside world in any context other than 'that which must be avoided'.

She chose to stay with her parents, as they've said. She's chosen their life for herself because she is completely and entirely unaware of any other option that doesn't have 'sin' attached to it.

This comparison is really connected it's just kind of on my mind because I recently watched Born into Brothels again and another documentary on the brothels India...but, Sarah is much like the girls born into that world. They get no exposure to any other life so they follow in their mother's footsteps who, herself, most likely followed in her own mother's footsteps.

Sarah can't even freely surf the Internet or read a newspaper or read a book to get even a tiny glimpse into a different way of life. Every ounce of information she receives is filtered through her parents, particularly her unbalanced control freak father.

[emmiedahl]

I read that post and what makes me the saddest is that she says she knew it had been an idol because it was difficult to give up.

Anything enjoyable is difficult to give up. That does not make it an idol. How horrible their lives must be if they can never have anything they might like.

Here's something she would have a hard time giving up because it *is* an idol: her whacked-out constant searching for sin in a pristine life.

[gardenvarietycitizen]

Sarah can't even freely surf the Internet or read a newspaper or read a book to get even a tiny glimpse into a different way of life. Every ounce of information she receives is filtered through her parents, particularly her unbalanced control freak father.

Yeah, it's amazing.

Makes me wonder, if someone had full freedom of movement and no money restriction, what would be the best way to get a message to Sarah or others like her?

Pretty much you'd need to meet up with her in person at one of their conferences, or maybe sneak some messages into the books they have there? Fold up a note on paper and slip it into their sales ledger, or something... some record that Sarah keeps first before Dad finding out.

I can't help but wonder what their neighbors think, too. They have family on the block, but what do the other households think? Surely there's families there on the street with kids in the local city schools, some guy who lives across the street and wonders at the bus, etc. What do they think? Oddball neighbors, hm? Or do they maybe follow the blog too?

[NurseNell]

No, the newspaper was becoming an idol for Teri so they stopped reading it:

titus2.com/corners/5-09-m.htm

Now that is just plain bizarre. Do you think they know about 9/11?

[Guest Anonymous]

I really freaking hope they know about 9/11. I'm sure they know someone who at least reads a newspaper now and then and passed it on. I hope.

[Guest Anonymous]

So a few minutes ago my daughter who is 11 was reading over my shoulder as I was reading the posts about Sarah Maxwell and she asked me who Sarah was. I explained to her that Sarah was homeschooled her whole life and is now an adult who doesn't have a job and who only hangs out with her family, doesn't read newspapers or watches tv. My daughter then says to me "but mom, that's like Rapunzel being locked up in the tower! you better not do that to me!" I had to laugh because it's kinda true!