Seewalds 26: Marketing her cute growing (?) family

[justoneoftwo]

I think it really depends on if people are okay with how they do things.  Not that they say they are okay, but actually okay.  Also its important to note that you can always renegotiate what you had previously said was okay.  Its really about being respectful in how you do it. 

I'll be honest I'm not that good at this, but I think it can be done.  

[LegHumperBibleThumper]

@Lurky I 100% agree with you, and for that matter so would my husband. The only point I was trying to make is that he can't do things to help me at home if he isn't home. He often doesn't get home until well after I've gone to bed. That won't change after our baby arrives. This is something that we have discussed at length and that we have both planned for. He will miss so much time with our child that I have complete confidence he will WANT to take over the parenting the second he walks in the door whether I've had a bad day or not. I want for him to be able to do that so i will continue to do my best to maintain our home. 

I only offered up our situation as a different perspective. 

[justoneoftwo]

Just now, LegHumperBibleThumper said:

@Lurky I 100% agree with you, and for that matter so would my husband. The only point I was trying to make is that he can't do things to help me at home if he isn't home. He often doesn't get home until well after I've gone to bed. That won't change after our baby arrives. This is something that we have discussed at length and that we have both planned for. He will miss so much time with our child that I have complete confidence he will WANT to take over the parenting the second he walks in the door whether I've had a bad day or not. I want for him to be able to do that so i will continue to do my best to maintain our home. 

I only offered up our situation as a different perspective. 

One odd thing about the taking over the parenting when home is that studies have found that dads who are involved still often only really do the "fun" parts.  Its something I've found with my H a bit.  In any event, its just a bit of a complicated issue.

[SapphireSlytherin]

(We have no children at home, so keep that in mind as you read my response to @Rachel333)

DH and I both work full-time, generally more than 40 hours/week. He has a longer commute than I do, and he works a very physical job, while mine involves sitting on my ass 8+ hours/day.

When I get home (almost always before he does), I unload the dishwasher, scoop the litter boxes, and start a load of laundry. We run the dishwasher in the mornings while we're gone to work, so the dishes are clean. Unloading the dishwasher takes less than four minutes. Yes, I've timed it - because I used to hate doing it until I realized how little time it actually takes.

As for laundry - I do at least one load a day. I fold it straight out of the dryer into designated laundry baskets (one for me, one for him, one for towels/linens). I never have unfolded piles of laundry in my house - and the laundry is taken to the basement every morning and sorted into color-coded hampers. I may be a bit anal...

DH cooks dinner every night, and also handles the vast majority of our meal prep. I clean the kitchen afterwards. I consider that a more-than-fair "trade" because I hate/abhor/despise cooking. If I were single, I'd eat frozen pizza every night.

I also handle the dusting, clean the bathrooms, and sweep/mop the floors.

He pays the bills and handles the money.

We share the automotive "work" such as changing oil, washing cars, etc. He also helps me when I change the sheets on the bed.

I mow the yard because I enjoy it.

He feeds the cats and does the majority of the grocery shopping.

It works for us, and I have zero resentment.

 

[LegHumperBibleThumper]

@justoneoftwo This is our first child so I guess we won't know till it happens. I hope that's not the case but I have definitely seen examples in other couples where it is. I am incredibly confident in expressing my feelings to him so if I feel like things are working, he will know and we will work on it.

[JordynDarby5]

5 hours ago, BundleofJoy said:

On a lighter note, reading the experiences of moms here about have messy homes with a young child, reminded me of this video: 

  Hide contents

 

 

Now that sounds about right! 

[LegHumperBibleThumper]

4 minutes ago, SapphireSlytherin said:

Unloading the dishwasher takes less than four minutes. Yes, I've timed it - because I used to hate doing it until I realized how little time it actually takes.

 

I should try this. 

[SapphireSlytherin]

@LegHumperBibleThumper - I've timed SO MANY chores, just because I have a huge tendency to procrastinate when I think something's going to take "so much time" (in my mind).

Staring a load of laundry (because everything's already pre-sorted):  45 seconds.

Folding a load of laundry:  3 minutes (towels/linens); 4 minutes (regular clothes); 5-6 minutes underwear/socks.

Sweeping the kitchen:  2 minutes

Vacuuming the upstairs:  15 minutes

 

[justoneoftwo]

7 minutes ago, LegHumperBibleThumper said:

@justoneoftwo This is our first child so I guess we won't know till it happens. I hope that's not the case but I have definitely seen examples in other couples where it is. I am incredibly confident in expressing my feelings to him so if I feel like things are working, he will know and we will work on it.

I certainly didn't mean to imply that he wouldn't be doing his fair share, it was more a comment on society, based on the studies I read.

[Carm_88]

I hate dishes. Doesn't matter how little time it takes, I hate it. 

[LegHumperBibleThumper]

@SapphireSlytherin That's too funny! For me its really just the dishes. None of the other jobs bother me so much.

[Rachel333]

Yeah, I don't particularly care about the specifics of how individual couples divide chores, as long as it works for them! I do think it's important to realize the inequalities that exist on average, which may or may not apply to particular couples.

[candygirl200413]

Thought she was pregnant again since the topic had that hot notification on it.

[Bob Mackie]

4 minutes ago, candygirl200413 said:

Thought she was pregnant again since the topic had that hot notification on it.

Me too!!

[NakedKnees]

No Seewald pregnancy yet, phew!

On the subject of dividing labor for (hetero) couples, it's really interesting to me how much variety there is. Just last week, I was supporting a crying friend over wine. She's hurting over how little her live-in boyfriend does. I feel pretty lucky about my boyfriend and I's relationship, but it's taken work and we still have some kinks to work out.

He's a freelancer and about half my income is commissions, so whoever takes on the brunt of domestic work tends to be the one who's spending less on groceries, bills, rent, etc at any given time, and that varies.

Something my same friend kept bringing up was how annoyed she is that he expects "thanks" whenever he does dishes, laundry, etc. It got me thinking- I definitely always thank my boyfriend when I notice that he's done a chore, which ends up being a few times a day, and I don't really want to stop. It just seems like a positive thing in my life that I don't want to cut out. So, I talked to him about it, and he's going to try to thank me more for the same sort of thing, haha.

Currently, we divide up dishes and laundry pretty evenly. I always put away the folded laundry because I'm anal about knowing exactly where all my clothes are, and I enjoy maintaining organization systems. Dishes can be tough because he prefers to do them in the morning (gross, imo) and I prefer to do them at night.

I'm currently paying most of the rent, bills, and groceries (although we generally shop together), and he takes care of house and bike maintenance- two things that are boring for me and interesting for him. Since we both commute by bike, there's actually a fair amount of labor there. Also, he grows plants and I don't, and I love it.

I think domestic labor is a fascinating, down-to-earth topic regarding gender roles.

[AprilQuilt]

I'm REALLY hoping she doesn't get pregnant yet. Would be great if Henry got to a year old and she still hadn't announced. She looks like she's enjoying being a mum (however messy); she's hustlin' away for Brand Jessa; she and Ben seem to take a bit of an interest in the world beyond what they already know... I don't want to see her become a J'chelle. 

(YES, the Seewalds are my pet fundies. What of it?)

[SongRed7]

50 minutes ago, Carm_88 said:

I hate dishes. Doesn't matter how little time it takes, I hate it. 

That's how I feel about folding laundry and putting it away (except for towels...they are easy!)..... I feel like I just get done folding several baskets of laundry and feeling all accomplished and all LOL and the next thing you know there is a HUGE pile again. Its' not the washing...that's hard....its everything else that follows.  Not afraid to admit that there have been busy weeks and we all just live out of baskets....digging through the clean piles. If necessary, tossing it in the dryer a bit to fluff the wrinkles out. 

[SapphireSlytherin]

@SongRed7 - that's why I fold straight out of the dryer...

[SongRed7]

2 hours ago, Lurky said:

I don't think anyone gets up in the morning and plans to just leave used nappies around the house, I can totally see how it happens, if eg all the bins are full, and the kids are having a crazy day.

And for all negative comments about "at least she could put it in a bag or a diaper genie, etc"  I've known moms (good, caring, overwhelmed moms) who have done just that but then just in coping with the daily busy-ness, forgot to empty the trash and or diaper genie for a few days. Same results....some dirty diapers laying around unintentionally...but does that make the mom who is better at "hiding" it (albeit in a trash can/diaper genie) a better mom?  I don't think so. I hate all these levels of judgement. 

@SapphireSlytherin  I do that too, when I can....sometimes there are other obligations or priorities  I think what I really need is a laundry fairy!  

[ThunderRolls]

9 minutes ago, Rachel333 said:

Yeah, I don't particularly care about the specifics of how individual couples divide chores, as long as it works for them! I do think it's important to realize the inequalities that exist on average, which may or may not apply to particular couples.

Inequalities definitely do exist. My own personal theory is that a couple of generations ago it was the norm for the woman to stay home with the kids while the man went to work. That domestic vignette has certainly become imprinted on the minds of kids who grew up in that environment. Fast-forward to young families today, and most women have to work full-time as well as the man. The schema of family dynamics, however, hasn't really changed, and I tend to think people unconsciously adopt "traditional" roles.

Things get compounded when children enter the picture and women tend to be primarily responsible for feedings which seems to then make them responsible for all things baby. You get so caught up in taking care of and worrying about the kids that having to worry about telling your spouse to help out with one more thing is just exhausting and it ends up being easier just to put the damn dishes away yourself instead of asking a grown man to do it.

People really do need to take the time to spell things out to their spouse and actually divvy up chores. And for real, we still live in a society where men can do the bare minimum in regards to childcare and be praised as being a "hands on dad." A man can wipe one baby butt and people act like he's already raised that kid and sent them off to the Ivy League. 

 

[KelseyAnn]

I would rather chop off my arm than vacuum. SO you can bet when I get a home of own its all gonna be hardwood. 

[Lurky]

11 minutes ago, ThunderRolls said:

A man can wipe one baby butt and people act like he's already raised that kid and sent them off to the Ivy League. 

I know a guy who's a big name in a niche subculture I'm involved with, who is super-vocal about this.  He's a the primary caregiver to his son, and he said it really opened his eyes to how much praise he gets for things no one blinks at his wife doing.  So if he posts a comedy tweet about changing a nappy, or posts a photo of him doing one-handed typing on the laptop while cuddling the baby, because it's the only way the kid will sleep, he gets 1000 likes and "OMG you're such a GREAT DAD!!!!" and "your wife is SOOOOOO lucky to have you", while his wife gets ignored at best.  He's continually pushing back at this, and pointing out the sexism inherent in it all.

[ThunderRolls]

@Lurky - Thank goodness people, men in particular, are pushing back. I know it took having a child for me to realize how bad the sexism involved in parenting really is. I used to judge mothers more harshly than fathers, and it's wrong. My husband is finally seeing it as well since anything his mother or brother don't agree with that we do with our daughter, well, I'm the one to blame apparently - which means my husband is the hapless dolt who has no idea what's going on which isn't much better! 

[BundleofJoy]

I've also read something online somewhere about couples that had different views on how their domestic labor was divided, where the man found the division about equal, and the woman felt that she did more. And that it turned out that the women in these relationships had more of a management position when it came to domestic labor, as in they were not only responsible for their own chores, but also for assigning chores to their partner, deciding which chores to do when or how often, and making sure they both did their chores in a timely manner. So even though the actual chores were like close to 50/50 divided, the woman was doing more mental labor. 

I personally grew up in a home where the traditional division of labor was completely switched. My dad cooks, cleans the house, does the laundry, has a vegetable garden (which is also considered more of a woman's thing where I live), while my mom has successful career, a big office, important meetings, business trips all over the world and a company car. So when people talk about a woman's job being a housewife as being 'the natural order of things' I'm like    
I'm also a christian (came to faith in college) and sometimes judgey christians say that how my parents divided their labor is not "how it's supposed to be" and that my dad should be the provider? Well you know what, my dad puts the food on the table and my mom brings in the money, and that is okay, because it works fine for them. It also helps me weed out the guys I don't want to date, if they're like: "I just want a wife to love me, and cook me food and clean up after me. You stay home and I'll provide." I say no thank you!

[Fascinated]

Well, never have I been so disappointed when checking out a ‘hot’ thread!  I was unprepared for the content over the last few pages!  I don’t follow Jessa anywhere and I don’t watch the show, so I must rely on you guys to keep me imformed.  Reading her posts here though, all I can say is that I’m just glad she doesn’t seem to overdo the preaching.  Perhaps she’s trying to reach a broader audience, or maybe she just leaves those duties to Bin (I don’t follow him either). Or it may be that she’s allowing Derick to take over those reins for the family as a whole, as he is doing that seamlessly and without any blowback whatsoever.  Anyway, I like it.

(A dirty diaper on a table now and then: understandable.  Many: probably not.  And the toilet paper roll should always go over the top.)