Bates Family Part 5

[VelociRapture]

Unfortunately, this is not going to get better. It has nothing to due with whether or not you are bloated and look a little pregnant. A friend who had lives in another state would frequently ask me over the phone. After you have your first baby, expect to get asked when you are having a second. If you have a second, people will still ask you if you are having more and give you unsolicited advice about whether or not it is a good idea to have more. 

I had a woman frequently ask me if I was pregnant. I always told her no. One time I did not know that I was pregnant because it was very early in the pregnancy and I had not even missed my period yet. Later this woman confronted me about lying to her. 

 

Yeah, I'm starting to accept my fate.

I do have a plan for any future questions regarding the state of my uterus though. I plan to put on the most solemn looking face, give a big sigh, and then look the person in the eye as I say, "It's in God's hands now." Bonus points if I can get teary eyed as I say it.

And anyone asking how many we plan to have will be met with the sweetest grin and , "We're leaving it up to God."

I live in New England and most people around here don't really talk much about religion - so there's a decent chance those answers would make most people incredibly uncomfortable and provide a decent amount of entertainment for me. I consider it a win-win.

[Kelsey]

Yeah, I'm starting to accept my fate.

I do have a plan for any future questions regarding the state of my uterus though. I plan to put on the most solemn looking face, give a big sigh, and then look the person in the eye as I say, "It's in God's hands now." Bonus points if I can get teary eyed as I say it.

And anyone asking how many we plan to have will be met with the sweetest grin and , "We're leaving it up to God."

I live in New England and most people around here don't really talk much about religion - so there's a decent chance those answers would make most people incredibly uncomfortable and provide a decent amount of entertainment for me. I consider it a win-win.

That doesn't stop people from asking inappropriate questions. When people ask me, I always say that I am unable to have children due to medical conditions. Almost everyone will start asking about fertility treatments or adoption.

[Eternalbluepearl]

I had a woman frequently ask me if I was pregnant. I always told her no. One time I did not know that I was pregnant because it was very early in the pregnancy and I had not even missed my period yet. Later this woman confronted me about lying to her. 

 

I don't even have words for this... Like what? 

[VelociRapture]

That doesn't stop people from asking inappropriate questions. When people ask me, I always say that I am unable to have children due to medical conditions. Almost everyone will start asking about fertility treatments or adoption.

Yeah. I fully anticipate people being complete assholes about this and pushing for far too much information. I still plan on making them feel as uncomfortable as humanly possible though. If someone makes me uncomfortable, they're going to get the same exact treatment back and I don't care how rude they think I'm being.

[Ali]

Yeah, I'm starting to accept my fate.

I do have a plan for any future questions regarding the state of my uterus though. I plan to put on the most solemn looking face, give a big sigh, and then look the person in the eye as I say, "It's in God's hands now." Bonus points if I can get teary eyed as I say it.

And anyone asking how many we plan to have will be met with the sweetest grin and , "We're leaving it up to God."

I live in New England and most people around here don't really talk much about religion - so there's a decent chance those answers would make most people incredibly uncomfortable and provide a decent amount of entertainment for me. I consider it a win-win.

My husband's grandpa kept asking us when we were going to have another one during visits. He has some dementia, so we get asked the same questions over and over. It can get a little frustrating. I started telling him to ask God. He is religious, but that answer made him so mad. His wife enjoyed my answer. 

I don't even have words for this... Like what? 

I still don't confused this happened. I am relieved that she is no longer part of my life.

[Screamapillar]

 

I just got married a month ago. My sister casually mentioned to our Grandma I may be watching her baby when she and her husband go back to work after the birth. Grandma immediately started asking whether I was pregnant or not - luckily I wasn't in the room and she knew enough not to ask me, but it was super awkward being told about it later and really made me look at my stomach a bit more closely in the mirror than usual.

One of my friends got asked if she was pregnant by a complete stranger about two weeks after she got married last month as well. She's not. It was super awkward and made her feel horrible, especially since she struggles with thyroid issues.

I agree with you completely. I wish people would stop assuming things or stop bringing the subject up. It doesn't matter that Michael is on television or part of a family known for having all the babies - it's just as rude to ask her something so personal as it would be to ask a complete stranger who isn't on television.

I'm right there with you, I got married in September and the pregnancy speculation is out of control. 

Here's a word for word email I received from a co-worker last week who mostly works from home, so he hasn't even seen me in person for several weeks. The subject of the email was "Question" and he wrote "Good Morning! I am probably way off base here, but I thought I would ask anyway. I didn't mention it when they sent the Ms. Simpson Halloween pic, but it looked as if you might be pregnant. If you are Congratulations, if not....well forgive me :)" (Background: I dressed as Marge Simpson for our office Halloween party, won third place in the costume contest, and pictures were emailed to everyone). Don't worry, I gave him a ton of grief for this!

Now, I'm no Certified Expert in Everything, but I suppose the inappropriate pregnancy questions are the newlywed woman's lot in life.

[Kak]

I'm right there with you, I got married in September and the pregnancy speculation is out of control. 

Here's a word for word email I received from a co-worker last week who mostly works from home, so he hasn't even seen me in person for several weeks. The subject of the email was "Question" and he wrote "Good Morning! I am probably way off base here, but I thought I would ask anyway. I didn't mention it when they sent the Ms. Simpson Halloween pic, but it looked as if you might be pregnant. If you are Congratulations, if not....well forgive me :)" (Background: I dressed as Marge Simpson for our office Halloween party, won third place in the costume contest, and pictures were emailed to everyone). Don't worry, I gave him a ton of grief for this!

Now, I'm no Certified Expert in Everything, but I suppose the inappropriate pregnancy questions are the newlywed woman's lot in life.

Good grief. That's outrageously rude and inappropriate! 

[elliha]

No one asked me after I got married but that is probably due to the fact that I got married when I was 8.5 months pregnant on my wedding day... But when the baby was born... My sister seriously told me a couple of months after the delivery that I should get going and produce a sibling because there is no reason to wait it is better to get through the baby years as soon as possible, otherwise one will become too lazy. My daughter is 3.5 and I am in early pregnancy now and we didn't have a wish for another one until she turned 3... My sister on the other hand had three kids when her first was 4 but then she waited 11 years until she had her fourth. I don't get how she cannot think that there is a reason she waited 11 years after that ordeal. 

[nokidsmom]

I'm right there with you, I got married in September and the pregnancy speculation is out of control. 

Here's a word for word email I received from a co-worker last week who mostly works from home, so he hasn't even seen me in person for several weeks. The subject of the email was "Question" and he wrote "Good Morning! I am probably way off base here, but I thought I would ask anyway. I didn't mention it when they sent the Ms. Simpson Halloween pic, but it looked as if you might be pregnant. If you are Congratulations, if not....well forgive me :)" (Background: I dressed as Marge Simpson for our office Halloween party, won third place in the costume contest, and pictures were emailed to everyone). Don't worry, I gave him a ton of grief for this!

Now, I'm no Certified Expert in Everything, but I suppose the inappropriate pregnancy questions are the newlywed woman's lot in life.

OMG, yes, unfortunately it is or rather, in my case, was.

I underwent constant questions from people about when i was going to have a baby within the first several years.   There was a relative who would loudly ask at family gatherings if we were working on the next generation.  Now that was really annoying and it took another relative to tell him to knock it off and he was soooo surprised that I would be bothered by such questioning.  Some people are just. so. freaking. clueless.

And get ready for the other question that crops up, all ye newly married who dwell in rental homes:  when you are going to buy a house?  Followed by all the usual arguments about how you are throwing away your money when you rent, tax advantages, you need home equity, better place to raise kids (which could be a segway into the first question above) , stability, blah, blah, blah.

[VelociRapture]

OMG, yes, unfortunately it is or rather, in my case, was.

I underwent constant questions from people about when i was going to have a baby within the first several years.   There was a relative who would loudly ask at family gatherings if we were working on the next generation.  Now that was really annoying and it took another relative to tell him to knock it off and he was soooo surprised that I would be bothered by such questioning.  Some people are just. so. freaking. clueless.

And get ready for the other question that crops up, all ye newly married who dwell in rental homes:  when you are going to buy a house?  Followed by all the usual arguments about how you are throwing away your money when you rent, tax advantages, you need home equity, better place to raise kids (which could be a segway into the first question above) , stability, blah, blah, blah.

Not even rental homes anymore. We own a condo - 2 beds and 1.5 baths - and we've gotten this question at least once.

My response is to smile sweetly and ask if they'll be giving us the money for a down payment. Any mention of money will shut people up pretty fast.

All that said, I hope people aren't getting to Michael. Let the poor woman enjoy the fact she can do more than hold hands with her new husband!

[OldFadedStar]

My husband and I just moved back from Japan where he was stationed in the military for 4 1/2 years. We had been married about 5 1/2 years when I moved back and was visiting family.... Almost every single relative and friend asked me about when we were going to have a baby. I really wanted to be like "Well.. I can't have a baby right now while my husband is deployed... kind of impossible." 

 

Sorry I wanted to enjoy living in Asia without a child. I've been visiting family members since July and I still get the little comments here and there. Especially since my husbands sister is about to get married. 

[justoneoftwo]

I'm right there with you, I got married in September and the pregnancy speculation is out of control. 

Here's a word for word email I received from a co-worker last week who mostly works from home, so he hasn't even seen me in person for several weeks. The subject of the email was "Question" and he wrote "Good Morning! I am probably way off base here, but I thought I would ask anyway. I didn't mention it when they sent the Ms. Simpson Halloween pic, but it looked as if you might be pregnant. If you are Congratulations, if not....well forgive me :)" (Background: I dressed as Marge Simpson for our office Halloween party, won third place in the costume contest, and pictures were emailed to everyone). Don't worry, I gave him a ton of grief for this!

Now, I'm no Certified Expert in Everything, but I suppose the inappropriate pregnancy questions are the newlywed woman's lot in life.

I am apparently the only women on the planet who did not face this problem, and I was actually a bit worried why my family didn't want me to have kids.  (I should confess that my 4 year old niece did ask, but she is 4 so its excusable).

[nokidsmom]

Not even rental homes anymore. We own a condo - 2 beds and 1.5 baths - and we've gotten this question at least once.

My response is to smile sweetly and ask if they'll be giving us the money for a down payment. Any mention of money will shut people up pretty fast.

All that said, I hope people aren't getting to Michael. Let the poor woman enjoy the fact she can do more than hold hands with her new husband!

Condos don't count, you know.  It's got to be a Real House^TM  (bleh).   My SIL was in a condo when she married and the pressure was on to 1) have a baby and 2) buy a real house.

And maybe not even a townhome either.  When Mr. No and I finally bought a home, it was a 3 bed, 1.5 bath, 1600 sq ft. three level townhome,  We got some snide comments that we weren't buying a real house.   Never mind that it was bigger than some of the Real Houses^TM  that we looked at.

Back to Michael, I hope she is enjoying couple time with her new husband and that the questions aren't bothering her too much.

[jerkit]

I've always thought it was SO bizarre that people think they get an opinion about if/when women have children. Like, I would be horribly embarrassed to ask those questions.

 

And also when people have opinions about my choice of home. My FIL walked into the house we bought in April and said "well, when you build a house..." NO. NO no no no no NO. NO.

[nausicaa]

I'm right there with you, I got married in September and the pregnancy speculation is out of control. 

Here's a word for word email I received from a co-worker last week who mostly works from home, so he hasn't even seen me in person for several weeks. The subject of the email was "Question" and he wrote "Good Morning! I am probably way off base here, but I thought I would ask anyway. I didn't mention it when they sent the Ms. Simpson Halloween pic, but it looked as if you might be pregnant. If you are Congratulations, if not....well forgive me :)" (Background: I dressed as Marge Simpson for our office Halloween party, won third place in the costume contest, and pictures were emailed to everyone). Don't worry, I gave him a ton of grief for this!

Now, I'm no Certified Expert in Everything, but I suppose the inappropriate pregnancy questions are the newlywed woman's lot in life.

Holleeee shite. That is so out of line. And if you're sending an email, in particular a work email, and you have to begin it with "I am probably way off base here..." Just go ahead and delete that email. 

But seriously, what is the benefit in this cost/benefit analysis? If you ask and you're wrong you just put a clown foot in your mouth and perhaps made an enemy for life. If you're right, you get to know an acquaintance is carrying a child, what, two months before other people find out? What is so coveted about this?

And thank you, newly and not so newly married ladies. I'd begun to become jealous in recent years of married womenfolk because they don't have to deal with the "When are you getting married?" "So is there anyone?" "You know, you might want to settle down soon" comments. It's both comforting and disheartening to know that women field obnoxious questions in about the next four stages of adult life. (Over fifty FJers, don't tell me randos are asking about your menopause. Please tell me we get a break at some point.)

 

[princessmahina]

Holleeee shite. That is so out of line. And if you're sending an email, in particular a work email, and you have to begin it with "I am probably way off base here..." Just go ahead and delete that email. 

But seriously, what is the benefit in this cost/benefit analysis? If you ask and you're wrong you just put a clown foot in your mouth and perhaps made an enemy for life. If you're right, you get to know an acquaintance is carrying a child, what, two months before other people find out? What is so coveted about this?

And thank you, newly and not so newly married ladies. I'd begun to become jealous in recent years of married womenfolk because they don't have to deal with the "When are you getting married?" "So is there anyone?" "You know, you might want to settle down soon" comments. It's both comforting and disheartening to know that women field obnoxious questions in about the next four stages of adult life. (Over fifty FJers, don't tell me randos are asking about your menopause. Please tell me we get a break at some point.)

 

My father's family kept asking my mother if she was still menstruating, then share menopause/hysterectomy stories. When I was a young teenager, that was always the first thing they asked me- "So, how's your period going?" So rude and inappropriate. I'm not looking forward to their questions and intrusive comments when I get married. 

[twinmama]

 

I just got married a month ago. My sister casually mentioned to our Grandma I may be watching her baby when she and her husband go back to work after the birth. Grandma immediately started asking whether I was pregnant or not - luckily I wasn't in the room and she knew enough not to ask me, but it was super awkward being told about it later and really made me look at my stomach a bit more closely in the mirror than usual.

One of my friends got asked if she was pregnant by a complete stranger about two weeks after she got married last month as well. She's not. It was super awkward and made her feel horrible, especially since she struggles with thyroid issues.

I agree with you completely. I wish people would stop assuming things or stop bringing the subject up. It doesn't matter that Michael is on television or part of a family known for having all the babies - it's just as rude to ask her something so personal as it would be to ask a complete stranger who isn't on television.

People are ridiculous about pregnancy and babies. The day of my wedding, the woman who was doing my hair asked if we were planning on having kids. Like, LET ME GET MARRIED FIRST thanks!

Condos don't count, you know.  It's got to be a Real House^TM  (bleh).   My SIL was in a condo when she married and the pressure was on to 1) have a baby and 2) buy a real house.

And maybe not even a townhome either.  When Mr. No and I finally bought a home, it was a 3 bed, 1.5 bath, 1600 sq ft. three level townhome,  We got some snide comments that we weren't buying a real house.   Never mind that it was bigger than some of the Real Houses^TM  that we looked at.

Back to Michael, I hope she is enjoying couple time with her new husband and that the questions aren't bothering her too much.

Cripes, we lived in a rental studio apartment when we got married. A shitty 2 bedroom apartment when we had our kids. And now we live in a great house, that we also rent. If you aren't settled in the place you want to stay, I don't see the point in buying. And the longest I have lived in one place since 1997 is 3 years! We will stop moving, buy a house and stay put when our kids are entering kindergarten. 

This sums up my views on the fundie kids. I will not judge them because of their parents or in laws, and until these kids say or do things (and not just assumed), I don't think it's fair to vilify them.

 

I am not my parents, and I am certainly not my in laws. And neither are you. And neither are they.

Agreed. I also will not assume that every fundie kid is going to have a million children just because their first few are close together. Tons of people have two kids in quick succession, then no more. Or even 3 close together, then no more. If Alyssa has another soon, or Erin or Jill Duggar, or whoever, it doesn't mean that they're going for 19+! Anna Duggar is getting to the point where her plans are clear, though given Josh's shituation who knows if they'll even have another!

[OnceUponATime]

And thank you, newly and not so newly married ladies. I'd begun to become jealous in recent years of married womenfolk because they don't have to deal with the "When are you getting married?" "So is there anyone?" "You know, you might want to settle down soon" comments. It's both comforting and disheartening to know that women field obnoxious questions in about the next four stages of adult life. (Over fifty FJers, don't tell me randos are asking about your menopause. Please tell me we get a break at some point.)

 

I'm not married, not yet 30 and get frequently asked when I'm going to start having kids. I have even had people telling me what color eyes and hair they think my 'future children' will have.
I usually say the world is overpopulated and I'm doing my part to save the environment by not producing more consumers. I have also told people that I'm not sure I want kids because the potential of having to deal with international child custody hassles if me and my partner were to split up would be crazy. That usually shuts them up for a bit. I find family members the worst for most personal comments like 'when are you getting married' 'hurry up and start having kids' etc.

 

[Jeebusismycopilot]

My mother is the worst for this. We aren't married yet and my mother is constantly going on about how much she wants to be a grandmother and can't wait for the new generation of our family. She's even told all of us that things these days aren't as they used to be so it doesn't matter what order children and marriage come in, or even if we get married (we are all fairly convinced my brother doesn't plan on marrying, but he's been in a stable relationship with the most awesome girl for 9 years - basically married) So long as we love each other and have a secure loving home for our children....

 

Gee Thanks mum  

It doesn't help that we are the oldest cousins on that side of the family and the youngest is 20, so we haven't had wee ones for quite some time and EVERYONE is getting nosy about who will start first! We still think of ourselves as the kids and the others are all "grownups" Heck, the grownups still set up an Easter Egg hunt for us. Those little ones will spoil it for us big kids!  

 

[bashfulpixie]

My mother is the worst for this. We aren't married yet and my mother is constantly going on about how much she wants to be a grandmother and can't wait for the new generation of our family. She's even told all of us that things these days aren't as they used to be so it doesn't matter what order children and marriage come in, or even if we get married (we are all fairly convinced my brother doesn't plan on marrying, but he's been in a stable relationship with the most awesome girl for 9 years - basically married) So long as we love each other and have a secure loving home for our children....

 

Gee Thanks mum  

It doesn't help that we are the oldest cousins on that side of the family and the youngest is 20, so we haven't had wee ones for quite some time and EVERYONE is getting nosy about who will start first! We still think of ourselves as the kids and the others are all "grownups" Heck, the grownups still set up an Easter Egg hunt for us. Those little ones will spoil it for us big kids!  

 

I feel for you.  My mom's the same way, if not worse.  Neither my brother nor I are in relationships currently and she STILL talks about wanting grandchildren.  Even told me that if I hit 35 and I'm still not married, she'd take me to a sperm bank.  She's jealous because all of her sisters have had grandkids for years now and my brother and I are in no rush.  It probably doesn't help that we live 1000 miles away from the babies so she can't get her fix.  Lol

[Coconut Flan]

(Over fifty FJers, don't tell me randos are asking about your menopause. Please tell me we get a break at some point.)

Thankfully only one person has ever done that and a bland why does the state of my uterus interest you put an end to that.  I used that one with the pregnancy questions I used to get.  Word got out that I was not a fan of pregnancy questions.   However, people did and still do ask me about my adult children and when they are getting married or having children!   I don't know.  That's their business is my standard answer. 

[Mrs Ms]

We bought our house before people expected us to and didn't tell people of our plans - so missed that minefield.

When people ask about marriage, I just tell them that the partner doesn't believe in it and that shuts most people up, the few who do ask why get told that he doesn't know one married couple that stayed together without cheating involved and that really shuts them up

I got soooo annoyed with the when are you going to have children question that I got a bit rude a few times.

1. My (arsehole) supervisor at work asked when we were all having drinks together after work and I told him in a loud voice that all my colleges heard "I'm just fat, not pregnant!" He couldn't try back treadle fast enough, lol

2. Standard answer after having the first child was "I want to enjoy this one first and not just collect kids"

3. A few people who asked before I fell pregnant with my second child were told "not sure when I plan on having unprotected SEX!" 

 

A few years ago a former college of my partner moved back here after meeting and marrying his wife in America. We all caught up for dinner and after watching him play for a while with my child, I asked if they planned on having kids one day and he THANKED me for asking and not just assuming that they would. Everyone else had asked them when they were going to have them!

 

TL;DR I can't believe the info people feel comfortable asking someone - especially if they don't know them (well)

 

 

[nastyhobbitses]

My grandma is apparently very put out that I am unmarried (not even a boyfriend) and childless at 24. 24! I'm in grad school and don't even have time for Tinder dates now, let alone a relationship or a child. I don't understand why my Master's isn't enough to kvell about to her old lady friends.

[nokidsmom]

Cripes, we lived in a rental studio apartment when we got married. A shitty 2 bedroom apartment when we had our kids. And now we live in a great house, that we also rent. If you aren't settled in the place you want to stay, I don't see the point in buying. And the longest I have lived in one place since 1997 is 3 years! We will stop moving, buy a house and stay put when our kids are entering kindergarten. 

I moved into Mr. No's place when we got married then into a 2 bedroom apartment six months later.   We spent the next 12 years in 3 different apartments, 4 years in the first, 6 years in the second and 2 years in the last one.   It worked out because we could be more mobile for jobs and it gave me a good idea of what I really wanted in a house, so when we bought the townhome, I knew what I wanted.   I am so glad we didn't cave into the pressure to buy a house right off the bat due to the mobility it gave us, we finally bought when we were a bit more settled in our careers and were in an area with good job opportunities which was important to us.   Now that Mr. No is contemplating retirement in the next few years we are looking at selling and going back to renting because we don't plan on staying in the area in retirement.  Area is OK when you are working but high COL doesn't work well for retirement long term.   So we will rent in the final working years then bail.   Folks are scratching their heads that we would want to go back to renting but as part of our transition plan it makes sense. 

And also when people have opinions about my choice of home. My FIL walked into the house we bought in April and said "well, when you build a house..." NO. NO no no no no NO. NO.

We ran into this when we bought our townhome which we had built.   FIL walks in, looks around at the multiple levels and says to MIL "we can't move here!"   Now that was telling......

[HarryPotterFan]

Same at my school. Plagiarism was a HUGE deal at my school. A lot of my humanities classes would take a day of the syllabus to go over how to cite stuff just so that people wouldn't get caught doing it unintentionally. Plus you had to write "No aid, no violation, [signature]" on all written exams.

I'm guessing that an educational institution that caters to people who consider parroting Scripture and Wisdom Booklets a sign of learning and send their kids off to re-education camp when they show signs of independent thought isn't going to take plagiarism quite so seriously.

Good point. The fact that plagiarism = bad, cite your sources was drilled into my head since middle school. In middle and high school was a huge emphasis on how you would receive a zero on your paper/project if you were caught cheating. We were always taught if you were caught cheating in college you would be kicked out (and then consequently never get a good job to accomplish anything in life). Maybe they went a bit overboard?

 

And on the constant asking women if they're pregnant/planning to have (more) kid: Good grief! That's so rude! And the casual, "Hey you look pregnant, if you're not please forgive me :)" like the smiley face makes it any less rude to potentially harm someone's body image. When I get married I'll have to think up a good response to people who ask that question. Preferably one that makes them feel like such a huge asshole they will never bother anyone with that question again.

I know a Mormon woman who has blogged about fertility issues and the experience of being bombarded with questions about having kids and being in a community that expects her to have a ton of them. I believe her son wasn't even a year old when people bugged her about when she was having another kid. I can't imagine how devastating it must be to deal with that on top of trying to get pregnant and being unable to.