Bates Family - Part 3

[Snarkylark]

Iirc, there was a lot of snark about their pink bedroom, amiright?? Again, not that there's anything wrong with that but I'm certainly not the only one that feels that way. Lol

[Snarkylark]

Ok, I'm the biggest DW hater AND Chad Paine (leg)humper out there, but I see what you mean. Linguists speak of "feminine" and "masculine" styles of communication. This does not mean that ALL women/men communicate in all these ways, but rather that in general women tend to communicate one way, and men tend to communicate another.

(Some) Hallmarks of female communication are: talking to share, showing support for others, focus on feelings/emotions, prompting responsiveness, including details and personal disclosures and concrete information relevant to the current listeners or example, and tentativeness (qualifying statements, rising pitch at the end of even declarative statements). I think Chad does display a lot of these traits in his communication style. And DW as well to a certain extent.

On the other hand Gil (for example) is a masculine communicator: talks to show off, tends to try and assert dominance in a conversation, focus on transmitting or obtaining necessary (and only necessary) information, often communicates very abstractly using terms general to a situation at large, does not prompt for responsiveness, and aggressive/authoritativeness (no qualifying statements, falling pitch).

Please note this says nothing about them other than about how they prefer to communicate. I'm a cis-het female and I have a HEAVILY masculine style of communication. But I think there is a strong argument that Chad uses a feminine communication style, and I think this may be what you are picking up on.

Possibility #2: Chad uses a more feminine style of communication around Erin to be responsive to her emotional needs, but otherwise communicates in a more generally masculine style. We rarely see Chad just around the guys.

You might be onto something here. Like I said, I just can't explain it but you may have nailed it.

[formergothardite]

Ok, I'm the biggest DW hater AND Chad Paine (leg)humper out there, but I see what you mean. Linguists speak of "feminine" and "masculine" styles of communication. This does not mean that ALL women/men communicate in all these ways, but rather that in general women tend to communicate one way, and men tend to communicate another.

(Some) Hallmarks of female communication are: talking to share, showing support for others, focus on feelings/emotions, prompting responsiveness, including details and personal disclosures and concrete information relevant to the current listeners or example, and tentativeness (qualifying statements, rising pitch at the end of even declarative statements). I think Chad does display a lot of these traits in his communication style. And DW as well to a certain extent.

On the other hand Gil (for example) is a masculine communicator: talks to show off, tends to try and assert dominance in a conversation, focus on transmitting or obtaining necessary (and only necessary) information, often communicates very abstractly using terms general to a situation at large, does not prompt for responsiveness, and aggressive/authoritativeness (no qualifying statements, falling pitch).

Please note this says nothing about them other than about how they prefer to communicate. I'm a cis-het female and I have a HEAVILY masculine style of communication. But I think there is a strong argument that Chad uses a feminine communication style, and I think this may be what you are picking up on.

Possibility #2: Chad uses a more feminine style of communication around Erin to be responsive to her emotional needs, but otherwise communicates in a more generally masculine style. We rarely see Chad just around the guys.

I don't disagree with this, but she started off calling him a wimp, has said he acted wimpy and now says he isn't a strong male. This idea that a man who communicates in a way that is typically more feminine isn't strong is very much based in patriarchy and is harmful to both men and women.

[HarryPotterFan]

Iirc, there was a lot of snark about their pink bedroom, amiright?? Again, not that there's anything wrong with that but I'm certainly not the only one that feels that way. Lol

I like pink and was obsessed with it as a kid, but even I found that room vomitrocious. Chad could have genuinely liked it, or he could have not given a shit what the room looked like, or he could have just wanted to make Erin happy. Who knows.

[NotALoserLikeYou]

Chad is calm and kind but not wimpy at all. He's not cowardly or physically weak or anxious. I think he's very sexy and I would do him in a second!

[Snarkylark]

Because, really, most of what we see on their show is just communicating with each other and to the audience. We don't see much of their actions, you know?

[formergothardite]

Iirc, there was a lot of snark about their pink bedroom, amiright?? Again, not that there's anything wrong with that but I'm certainly not the only one that feels that way. Lol

So you are saying letting his wife pick the bedroom color makes him a weak man? So what? A strong man would have put his foot down and told the wife no? And yes, there was a lot of snark and I joined in, but have since realized how it was inappropriate.

[Snarkylark]

I don't disagree with this, but she started off calling him a wimp, has said he acted wimpy and now says he isn't a strong male. This idea that a man who communicates in a way that is typically more feminine isn't strong is very much based in patriarchy and is harmful to both men and women.

I wouldn't say it's harmful. It just isn't what I personally prefer.

[Snarkylark]

So you are saying letting his wife pick the bedroom color makes him a weak man? So what? A strong man would have put his foot down and told the wife no? And yes, there was a lot of snark and I joined in, but have since realized how it was inappropriate.

No, I'm just saying a lot of you snarked on that.

[Snarkylark]

Chad is calm and kind but not wimpy at all. He's not cowardly or physically weak or anxious. I think he's very sexy and I would do him in a second!

Let's turn it around for a second and ask what you think makes him sexy?

[Snarkylark]

FG, I'm not sure what video Erin posted that you are talking about. I don't doubt that Chad is physically strong. We all have different tastes and he just doesn't do anything for me;)

[NotALoserLikeYou]

I find his ability to fix/build to be attractive and I think that even though be is quiet, he always seems confident, which is another turn on. I think he is physically attractive as well. I think also him treating Erin so well (which is not always common in a funny - or even regular - marriage) also scores him points. I think he offers security and stability. He seems like a "catch."

[NotALoserLikeYou]

And it's interesting because he's not my type at all. I like men who are aggressive and dominant. But I can recognize the good things about others. See, he would be wimpy if he did the things erin wanted because he was scared of her or whatever, but he does it willingly. Same with helping the Bates with things. He doesn't seem physically or mentally weak.

[halcionne]

Ok, I'm the biggest DW hater AND Chad Paine (leg)humper out there, but I see what you mean. Linguists speak of "feminine" and "masculine" styles of communication. This does not mean that ALL women/men communicate in all these ways, but rather that in general women tend to communicate one way, and men tend to communicate another.

(Some) Hallmarks of female communication are: talking to share, showing support for others, focus on feelings/emotions, prompting responsiveness, including details and personal disclosures and concrete information relevant to the current listeners or example, and tentativeness (qualifying statements, rising pitch at the end of even declarative statements). I think Chad does display a lot of these traits in his communication style. And DW as well to a certain extent.

On the other hand Gil (for example) is a masculine communicator: talks to show off, tends to try and assert dominance in a conversation, focus on transmitting or obtaining necessary (and only necessary) information, often communicates very abstractly using terms general to a situation at large, does not prompt for responsiveness, and aggressive/authoritativeness (no qualifying statements, falling pitch).

Please note this says nothing about them other than about how they prefer to communicate. I'm a cis-het female and I have a HEAVILY masculine style of communication. But I think there is a strong argument that Chad uses a feminine communication style, and I think this may be what you are picking up on.

Possibility #2: Chad uses a more feminine style of communication around Erin to be responsive to her emotional needs, but otherwise communicates in a more generally masculine style. We rarely see Chad just around the guys.

This lines up nicely with my thoughts about MBTI, although I'm just a dabbler and know more about my own type than the others. I see Chad as maybe an ISFJ, seeking harmony and making others feel cared for. I often wonder about male Fs and female Ts* and how children are socialized according to gender and what it's like to naturally have a trait more often associated with the opposite gender. I know there are plenty of T women here on FJ, but I don't think I know any in real life.

*Estimates are hard to come by, as MBTI is sometimes hard to measure and only certain segments of the population ever get tested, but I've read one statistic putting two thirds of men in the thinking category and two thirds of women in the feeling category. If one third of men and women are feelers and thinkers, respectively, it's not so rare that these traits should be considered masculine or feminine. But again I don't know how accurate that estimate is.

[Firiel]

Let's turn it around for a second and ask what makes him sexy?

He isn't afraid to praise his wife in a "sappy" way on his blog. As far as we saw/read, he showed a huge amount of support during her miscarriages. He let her pick the bedroom color even though it wasn't his favorite color. He understood that having a pink bedroom says nothing about his masculinity. He seems to adore Carson as much as Erin does. He has no trouble expressing his emotions honestly and without shame. He did all the housework in addition to his regular job when she was too sick to do anything during her pregnancy. He seems to have supported Erin's decision to take the pregnancies one at a time and not commit to a Quiverfull lifestyle when that might be dangerous to her (even though that is strictly against ATI teachings-- according to ATI, a woman should continue to get pregnant even if doing so might endanger her life.)

And, OMG, that photo where he is looking at Carson like he'd never seen anything so precious and awe-inspiring in his life... be still, my beating heart!

[Snarkylark]

And it's interesting because he's not my type at all. I like men who are aggressive and dominant. But I can recognize the good things about others. See, he would be wimpy if he did the things erin wanted because he was scared of her or whatever, but he does it willingly. Same with helping the Bates with things. He doesn't seem physically or mentally weak.

I get that. I don't think he's physically or mentally weak, either. I just don't get the attraction, that's all;)

[Snarkylark]

He isn't afraid to praise his wife in a "sappy" way on his blog. As far as we saw/read, he showed a huge amount of support during her miscarriages. He let her pick the bedroom color even though it wasn't his favorite color. He understood that having a pink bedroom says nothing about his masculinity. He seems to adore Carson as much as Erin does. He has no trouble expressing his emotions honestly and without shame. He did all the housework in addition to his regular job when she was too sick to do anything during her pregnancy. He seems to have supported Erin's decision to take the pregnancies one at a time and not commit to a Quiverfull lifestyle when that might be dangerous to her (even though that is strictly against ATI teachings-- according to ATI, a woman should continue to get pregnant even if doing so might endanger her life.)

And, OMG, that photo where he is looking at Carson like he'd never seen anything so precious and awe-inspiring in his life... be still, my beating heart!

Ok. But how is that different than Derick or Zack, or any of the others?

[Firiel]

I get that. I don't think he's physically or mentally weak, either. I just don't get the attraction, that's all;)

Previously, you said this:

I don't think Erin's husband is attractive at all. He seems too wimpy or something for me.

You repeated several times that you thought he was wimpy.

Here is the definition of "wimp."

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/wimp

noun

1.

a weak, ineffectual, timid person.

Words have meaning. Understand those meanings and use them correctly. If you call him wimpy, you are calling him weak, ineffectual, and timid. Don't act all offended when people call you on the things that you said based on the actual words you used and their actual meanings.

[Snarkylark]

Previously, you said this:

You repeated several times that you thought he was wimpy.

Here is the definition of "wimp."

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/wimp

Words have meaning. Understand those meanings and use them correctly. If you call him wimpy, you are calling him weak, ineffectual, and timid. Don't act all offended when people call you on the things that you said based on the actual words you used and their actual meanings.

Well sorry I didn't consult the dictionary before I posted. Smh. I did say "a wimp or something" indicating that I wasn't sure of the exact word choice or way to phrase it. It's just a vibe I get. You guys are relentless! Lol

[Snarkylark]

I also said "for me," indicating that I don't expect others to have the same opinion. Just my personal preference.

[Firiel]

Ok. But how is that different than Derick or Zack, or any of the others?

Zach pulled his wife into a cult, so while I don't dislike him as a person (he's a victim of a cult as well), I think he did her wrong in that way. As for the others, I haven't seen any of them (Derick, Ben, etc.) praise their wives so openly and unabashedly. I think most of them love their wives (especially in the younger generation), but I haven't seen the tenderness that Chad has. Being a sensitive person, I like it when the people in my life are tender and gentle. I don't think that tenderness and gentleness equal being wimpy either.

[HarryPotterFan]

Well sorry I didn't consult the dictionary before I posted. Smh. I did say "a wimp or something" indicating that I wasn't sure of the exact word choice or way to phrase it. It's just a vibe I get. You guys are relentless! Lol

You don't need to consult a dictionary, just know the meaning of words you use. If you don't know what a word means, pick another one. If you don't know what word to use, try explaining what you meant.

[Snarkylark]

I did!

[Snarkylark]

Zach pulled his wife into a cult, so while I don't dislike him as a person (he's a victim of a cult as well), I think he did her wrong in that way. As for the others, I haven't seen any of them (Derick, Ben, etc.) praise their wives so openly and unabashedly. I think most of them love their wives (especially in the younger generation), but I haven't seen the tenderness that Chad has. Being a sensitive person, I like it when the people in my life are tender and gentle. I don't think that tenderness and gentleness equal being wimpy either.

Zack's wife CHOSE to marry him. He didn't force her to do anything. She knew what she was getting into. And I disagree, Derick does praise Jill quite often and so does Ben. Remember all the "Awww, you're so sweet" remarks from Jill and Jessa to their spouses? Being tender and gentle doesn't equal being wimpy. You're right. I didn't say that it did. It's just a vibe I get. My husband is both and arguably the more "emotional" in our relationship. He needs the loving and affection more than I feel I do.

[HarryPotterFan]

I did!

He has a pink room and you don't find him attractive, that's all I got out of the explanation. We've determined we haven't seen him act in any sort of wimpy way and isn't physically or mentally wimpy. You said he reminds you of TFDW, but they don't have any traits in common.