Jana's future

[pamplemousse]

I didn't kiss anyone until I was 20 and I lost my virginity the night of my 33rd birthday. My parents (not fundie, although some of our beliefs bordered on it) were dead set against any of us having sex before marriage. Years later, when I told my sister I'd done it, she was shocked -- she really thought I was still a virgin. :lol:

One of my other sisters died a virgin at age 49.

[Eighth-of-eleven]

Did the deed at 21, I just did not want to be like my 4 older sisters, still waiting...on into their later 20's. (1 of them till she married at 38)

[SportsgalAnnie]

For me it comes from religious background but if I was sure the guy would be there for me if I were to be pregnant that could change.

[VixenToast]

Yeaaaaah, I'm a slut in comparison HAHAHA. Lost it at 16 and love it. Had my son at 21. I dont understand asexuality. But I'm a very passionate person.

[lookinggoodforjesus]

Oh...

I first had sex at 14, had an abortion at 19 (NOT my fault ABSOLUTELY NOT NEVER GO THERE), and am now 21. Honestly, I do not want children until I'm at least 24 or so because I do not see myself having the maturity or financial stability to raise a child. I think that's 100% reasonable.

Anyway.

I know four people who had sex at 11. One of them is from Copenhagen, and often goes on about how that is completely normal there. I've always wondered if that is true. The other ones were just in circumstances where that happened. I believe quite strongly that 11 is too young. A lot of people believe that 14 is too young, but I was also with the guy for 2.5 years afterward. That may not be a long time, but it is at that age. It's not like it was some random guy.

[freedomjesusfootball]

I was a virgin until 24 and I am basically agnostic. Just didn't believe in sex without love. I also had pretty crippling social anxiety disorder that wasn't controlled until age 18, and I am an extreme introvert.

[candygirl200413]

Oh talking about our sexual experience??

Had my first kiss at 21 (after various therapy sessions from sexual abuse years ago, now I'm 110% able to trust any males :) )

Still a virgin, and used to be super stress about it but now I'm okay because I'm on my own timeline 8-)

[jqlgoblue]

This is probably going to be controversial, but I actually think we hear more from/about people with more sexual experience than about the people that have less. It's actually very shameful in our society to be on the 'lower end' and I think many people keep quiet.

This is to say, I'm not sure the distribution we're seeing in these fundies is all that different than regular people. We can just conjecture a lot more about it b/c we "know" what they are and are not doing based on marital status.

[ophelia]

This is probably going to be controversial, but I actually think we hear more from/about people with more sexual experience than about the people that have less. It's actually very shameful in our society to be on the 'lower end' and I think many people keep quiet.

This is to say, I'm not sure the distribution we're seeing in these fundies is all that different than regular people. We can just conjecture a lot more about it b/c we "know" what they are and are not doing based on marital status.

I totally agrees with you. I lost my virginity two weeks before I turned 19. Thankfully a lot of my girlfriends lost theirs rather late so there wasn't any pressure to get done with it. Now I'm about to turn 27. I have had sex with 4 persons - 2 one night stands, a six month long affair and with my ex-boyfriend (we were a couple for 4.5 years). We broke up in january 13 and I only had sex once since then. I kissed a few guys but that was it. I have to admit, I don't deal with the abstinence very well. I love having sex and I'm one of those girls that probably relies her selfesteem too much on the attention she receives from the opposite sex. So I feel mostly invisible. Invisible to men. I don't have a problem with one night stands, but there has to be some kind of spark for me to really do it. No big feelings, just physical attraction wrapped up in a nice and funny conversation and no cheesy pick-up-lines. But nothing happens and I'm frustrated (as you might have noticed when you haven't already stopped reading) and a lot of my girls put it as if it was my fault. They say I'm too picky, that I hang around with the wrong crowd (I have a lot of male friends and love going out with them - watching soccer, drinking beer, shooting tequila and play some pool billard) and I'm really starting to feel like a looser for not participating in the middle/end-twenty-singlewoman-sex-carousel that I seem to be surrounded by and that is celebrated by my single girlfriends. The rest of my girlfriends is either married or pregnant. Or both.

Sorry for the self-pity, guys.

[Gobbles]

I always thought that I would be a virgin forever. Well, luckily that changed at 18. (Masturbation wise I started quite early. 8-) ) Had a long distance relationship and we meet for the first time. Well that week was busy. :lol: At that time I was still debating if I was bi or lesbian. Turns out I'm only into girls. The sex with a man was okaish but something was missing or rather too much. 8-) Still waiting for my first time with a girl. I'm a passionate person as well (despite being Autistic, don't believe for a second that all Autistic people are asexual, I heard the rumour somewhere) and I miss having sex with another person. I don't want a relationship but I do want sex. That is where my Autism makes it a bit difficult. I have trouble speaking to someone in normal life, so how should I manage to have a ONS.

TMI, but why not.

It breaks my heart that the girls (especially those) have no real experience before they marry. I know what I like/need/want. I imagine them having not really fun during sex. How when they have no idea how their body works?!

And "Re: Missing pieces of the heart" - I wouldn't change a thing. My first time was as it should have been. We are still friends and we both don't regret it. He does have pieces of my heart because I still deeply like him. For me he his something special. But I have a lot more pieces of my heart to give out.

[ophelia]

It breaks my heart that the girls (especially those) have no real experience before they marry. I know what I like/need/want. I imagine them having not really fun during sex. How when they have no idea how their body works?!

THIS! I can't imagine the awkwardness and fear that these girls must feel in their wedding nights. And the boys probably as well.. a lot of fundie family still practice the no-touching-courting-rule and than you are expected to get pregnant within weeks of marriage.

I would love if some of the fundie girls, especially Mortons/Duggars, would leave fundiedom and break the silence to show how abusive this lifestyle is.

[morri]

i was 22 when i started my first relationship(including sex)

[DeFrauder]

26 year old virgin here. But I am asexual, so I don't know if I coubt

I don't think asexuality counts for this issue :-P

My point is that hormones are gonna rage. Hormones can make people do crazy things. I have even read that the hormonal drive to procreate is so strong that it can affect memory so that women "forget" to take their pill. I thought that was amazing.

I am also under the impression that "hold-outs" are in the minority. I am not surprised if FJ is populated with a higher than average population of hold outs, but I am fairly certain that holding out is rare in the general population. These days anyway.

Does anyone want to share WHY they are holding out?

edit: I see there actually was lots of sharing.

I held out til I was almost 20. Not too long, but also not too early. I couldn't take it anymore.

[RosyDaisy]

My first time was at 22. Don't regret it one bit.

[clueliss]

deep breath.

51. virgin. yes I exist. I don't date. I don't care to date. I am somewhat scarred by parental divorce at age 10 and mother remarrying when I was 17 and that while a long marriage until he died, I didn't view as necessarily happy. I am also very introverted, socially awkward and that is among people of both sexes.

Part of the hold out was 'religous.' Part of it was that back in the 80's about the time I graduated from college in my mid-twenties AIDS not known as AIDS yet (but I knew about it thank you Phil Donahue) came into play. Now it is a matter of, I'm 51, I am set in my ways. And I've had very sexually active friends tell me - don't. I hold no judgement of those who do. It was just not right for me.

As I began to explore more new agey things and had a psychic/astrological reading done a year or two ago it was revealed that I have both a masculine and feminine energy about me. Yes, this can be a contributing factor into my lack of interest. As does past life stuff that's been exposed in a different fashion - I have a whole history over and over and... of being Priests, Nuns and the like which might be carrying forward into this lifetime. That and it is possible with past lives that the 'need' to have children/procreate has been satisfied.

This is more than I share with people I know but with the direction of this thread I felt compelled to respond as an older person. Bottom line, it is not the death of you to get older and be **gasp** a virigin.

[justoneoftwo]

THIS! I can't imagine the awkwardness and fear that these girls must feel in their wedding nights. And the boys probably as well.. a lot of fundie family still practice the no-touching-courting-rule and than you are expected to get pregnant within weeks of marriage.

I would love if some of the fundie girls, especially Mortons/Duggars, would leave fundiedom and break the silence to show how abusive this lifestyle is.

I've only had sex with my husband, and don't pity me! Again it depends on the people and their reasons by I feel no regrets, because it was my choice.

There is definitely a push in our culture against being inexperienced, I felt it. I feel it is just as inappropriate as pushing purity.

[Gobbles]

@justoneoftwo

I didn't mean lots of sexual partners. I was talking about things like knowing how the clitoris works or things like that. Pretty basic stuff you learn in school normally or find out by talking to friends, reading books or nowadays the internet.

Also I had one sex partner so far but even before that I knew exactly what I wanted and I told him that. Spot A, B, C are great touch me there. Don't go for D or E. You know, things you find out while exploring your body. (We have no idea if the Duggar girls do that but I highly doubt it.)

And I was talking about girls, because boys normally have no big problem getting an orgasm while most girls need a bit more than just in&out.

Gaining experience with yourself, not with multiple sex partners. Not necessary for that. My boy way kinda happy that I told him what I like. He did the same. Obviously lots of talking helps too. In my opinion many people could avoid sexual problems (and others too) simply by talking more to each other.

Gosh, I sound like some sort of sex therapist. :pink-shock:

[Guest]

I lost my virginity at 15, and I feel like I was a bit too young and not ready psychologically for sexual intercourse, despite having a very high sex drive as a teenager and into my early 20s (before I had children). I'm 25 now, but I had my first child at 22. I can't imagine being 25 and still a virgin. I really do hope that if/when Jana marries, she is able to have a fulfilling love life with her husband.

[sophie10130]

THIS! I can't imagine the awkwardness and fear that these girls must feel in their wedding nights. And the boys probably as well.. a lot of fundie family still practice the no-touching-courting-rule and than you are expected to get pregnant within weeks of marriage.

I would love if some of the fundie girls, especially Mortons/Duggars, would leave fundiedom and break the silence to show how abusive this lifestyle is.

This is the part that makes me feel horrible. They have no idea what it should be like. They don't know that it should really hurt, that men aren't just horn animals, that they can be sexual people as well, and that they can say no to their husbands.

I'm almost 24 and started dating at 15. I just got married a month ago, and I waited until I was married to have sex. My husband started having sex at a very young age before we met, but once we started dating, he waited for me until we got married. We lived together for almost two years, slept in the same bed, engaged in other activities alone and together.

I grew up religious, but have very open views now toward sex. I was worried that ol Catholic guilt would ruin our sexual relationship if I felt guilty after every time, so we waited until I knew I could really enjoy it. I can't imagine what it would have been like if he was a virgin too. He taught me that sex is complicated and can mean different things like other signs of affection. Plus he knew not to go barging around down there and exactly what to do. I would not change my experience for anything else. I don't regret any part of it. But I also don't wish it on anyone else. It was difficult, and I hate that I was so worried about feeling guilty. That's no way to be.

[morri]

well i am semi asexual really i only care about sex around ovulation time and only if the hormones are strong enough. I hate it when they as they do every other month, take over board and i cant think of anything else than sex.. argh. luckily it doesnt last longer than a 3 days to a week max, the rest of the sweet time im pretty apathetically asexual.

[SportsgalAnnie]

I've only had sex with my husband, and don't pity me! Again it depends on the people and their reasons by I feel no regrets, because it was my choice.

There is definitely a push in our culture against being inexperienced, I felt it. I feel it is just as inappropriate as pushing purity.

yes! It may be right for some people but not others. None of us really know what each others life is like and really this is an issue that shouldn't be one. To quote Kacey Musgraves "Mind your own biscuits and life will be gravy"

[DeFrauder]

I've only had sex with my husband, and don't pity me! Again it depends on the people and their reasons by I feel no regrets, because it was my choice.

There is definitely a push in our culture against being inexperienced, I felt it. I feel it is just as inappropriate as pushing purity.

There is nothing wrong with having just one partner. It is probably ideal. Far more healthy in my opinion than having dozens of partners which seems to be becoming common.

I think the issue is doing what one feels most comfortable with. If a person does not want sex then they should not have it. If they want to have sex, they should--as long as it is with a consenting partner.

There are a lot of people that lead a celibate life--by choice and sometimes not by choice...

But those fundie teens and young adults---their whole life seems to be focused on that magic moment when they FINALLY get to have sex. I think that the purity culture is doing the exact opposite of what people intend. It puts sex on such a high pedestal that it becomes more important than fostering the relationship that is enhanced by sex....or maybe I mean they miss out on the sex that is enhanced by a close relationship. Either way...it is rare to get married to the first person you date. It does happen and sometimes works out perfect...but its still rare.

How many of us are happily married long term to the first person they dated or kissed? Not me. I dated quite a bit until I found the right man and have now been happy for over 20 years.

[DeFrauder]

@justoneoftwo

I didn't mean lots of sexual partners. I was talking about things like knowing how the clitoris works or things like that. Pretty basic stuff you learn in school normally or find out by talking to friends, reading books or nowadays the internet.

Also I had one sex partner so far but even before that I knew exactly what I wanted and I told him that. Spot A, B, C are great touch me there. Don't go for D or E. You know, things you find out while exploring your body. (We have no idea if the Duggar girls do that but I highly doubt it.)

And I was talking about girls, because boys normally have no big problem getting an orgasm while most girls need a bit more than just in&out.

Gaining experience with yourself, not with multiple sex partners. Not necessary for that. My boy way kinda happy that I told him what I like. He did the same. Obviously lots of talking helps too. In my opinion many people could avoid sexual problems (and others too) simply by talking more to each other.

Gosh, I sound like some sort of sex therapist. :pink-shock:

Most of the time people figure it out. There are books---even books for Christians that cover this sort of thing.

Have you heard about Marie Antoinette and louis XVI having trouble getting pregnant until it was figured out they were not doing it properly? I am not entirely sure that it is true and I think the historical accuracy is debated as to what their actual problem was---but once it was figured out she started popping out babies. :lol:

[DeFrauder]

deep breath.

51. virgin. yes I exist. I don't date. I don't care to date. I am somewhat scarred by parental divorce at age 10 and mother remarrying when I was 17 and that while a long marriage until he died, I didn't view as necessarily happy. I am also very introverted, socially awkward and that is among people of both sexes.

Part of the hold out was 'religous.' Part of it was that back in the 80's about the time I graduated from college in my mid-twenties AIDS not known as AIDS yet (but I knew about it thank you Phil Donahue) came into play. Now it is a matter of, I'm 51, I am set in my ways. And I've had very sexually active friends tell me - don't. I hold no judgement of those who do. It was just not right for me.

As I began to explore more new agey things and had a psychic/astrological reading done a year or two ago it was revealed that I have both a masculine and feminine energy about me. Yes, this can be a contributing factor into my lack of interest. As does past life stuff that's been exposed in a different fashion - I have a whole history over and over and... of being Priests, Nuns and the like which might be carrying forward into this lifetime. That and it is possible with past lives that the 'need' to have children/procreate has been satisfied.

This is more than I share with people I know but with the direction of this thread I felt compelled to respond as an older person. Bottom line, it is not the death of you to get older and be **gasp** a virigin.

No--its not the death of a person by any means. The older a person gets the less the hormones are a bother. I started HRT and I can sure tell the difference. I didn't even realize that I had become disinterested until I replenished my hormones and became interested again. It is still no comparison to what I was feeling in my 20s, however.

Thanks for sharing your story. What you said about male and female energies is interesting. As we are all aware, there is no room in fundieland for LGBTi people. I suspect that it would make it even more difficult to adjust into a desired and comfortable sexuality with the added layer of fundie repression.

[clueliss]

by the way, I lean hetero.

HRT not an option here (or desired). I have a fibroid that should start to shrink once I hit menopause. (why yes as of last month I was still going on that front).