Stay at home dads

[Caxpax]

My BIL has been a stay at home dad for the past 19 months, although he recently accepted a job and will be heading back to work this month. My brother is (temporarily) staying at home while he looks for a job. I wish my brother would stay home longer with his son but I think they feel like they need 2 incomes.

My BIL is fundie-lite and he is probably the last person in the world one would expect to be a SAHD but his wife is a doctor and he's a teacher, and because he has long felt daycare is EBIL he ended up staying at home. And bitching and moaning and complaining about his loss of identity. Um, no one forced you to stay home. His wife was ok with daycare- it's only his weird standards for himself. He spent 15+ years as a teacher, meanwhile I put my career on hold before it even started. I've found the whole thing pretty annoying because SAHDs get sooooo many kudos, or are given a lot of sympathy for the loss of identity from giving up their careers (or at least that's how it worked in my family) and I never even got so much as a pat on the back. It was just expected (by my ILs, at least) that I would stay home. Meanwhile, I stayed home because I wanted to and enjoyed it- and when I was ready to go back to work, I did (wooohooo). And my BIL really, really didn't like being at home- but he was the one who got adulation. Funnily enough, I think my BIL seeing how well my son was doing in daycare was what prompted him to get over himself and admit he really wanted to go back to work and their daughter would be ok in daycare. I'm glad that now that she's in daycare my ILs will be less likely to make dire predictions about my son's wellbeing, or ask me "how is mommy taking putting him in daycare? do you cry every day? isn't it hard to see him sad and missing his mommy???"

/end rant

I would love to be able to make enough money someday that my husband could stay home with our son and any future kids. He'd be so good at it- he'd be an incredible homemaker, and could give any of our fundie "PhDs in homemaking" a run for their money. Other than breastfeeding, there aren't any of the typically "womanly" arts that he's not better at than I am. In an ideal world, I'd stay home for 6 months after each baby was born then my husband would be able to stay with them. But since we don't live someplace with a reasonable maternity leave policy I don't see that happening.

[Lunatic]

My husband has stayed home with our kids for the past 7 years. He was laid off from his job when I was pregnant and we decided we could make it on just my income since child care is so expensive in our area. He's enjoyed it but gets annoyed that the kids still come to me when they want comfort instead of him. He has a friend who also stays at home so they hang out together with all the kids. He has been excluded from some of the moms groups, just things like when some of the moms from the preschool get together, they won't include him. He always has to ask. He doesn't want our kids to be excluded just because of his gender so he's had to work harder to develop relationships. Overall it's been very positive but he's looking forward to going back to work in the fall when our youngest goes to kindergarten.

[mnb357]

Lunatic,

Sorry to hear your family has to deal with that...we do too, sort of. Seems like almost every year around the start of the school year somebody calls the sheriff about our (tainted windows) vehicle with an old man in it parked at the bus stop both at drop off and pick up. It's gotten so the sheriff rolls down the window and waves to my husband. I'm beyond the "Oh, they're just looking out for ALL kids." This is absurd. Get it right, folks, open your minds, and maybe your window, and perhaps TALK to the person in the car next to you...you may find your next best friend.

[ladypuglover]

Lunatic,

Sorry to hear your family has to deal with that...we do too, sort of. Seems like almost every year around the start of the school year somebody calls the sheriff about our (tainted windows) vehicle with an old man in it parked at the bus stop both at drop off and pick up. It's gotten so the sheriff rolls down the window and waves to my husband. I'm beyond the "Oh, they're just looking out for ALL kids." This is absurd. Get it right, folks, open your minds, and maybe your window, and perhaps TALK to the person in the car next to you...you may find your next best friend.

Amen.

[LadyBBR]

It's funny this came up because I recently decided that in my next life I want to be a stay-at-home Dad. I have met many, including my next-door neighbor. The thing about SAHDs is everyone LOVES them - they think every little thing they do is SO GREAT. Everywhere they go they are praised and fawned over. I have spoken with many women married to SAHDs and they are working full-time and STILL carrying most of the HH load, because Dad has his hands full just caring for the kids. My next door neighbor (Mom) would get up at 5AM to do some cleaning and laundry, get home and take over 100% of the childcare to give the SAHD a break. All ahe wanted for him to do was change the sheets once/week and he couldn't do it. Let's face it, women have more empathy for SAHDs than men have for SAHMs. How many Dads come home from work and take over the childcare, cooking, laundry, transpo to karate and music lessons? They head straight for the tv to relax! I have been a SAHM, and now work part time. I still carry 100% of the HH and child care load. No one is fawning over me and thinking I'm the best thing since sliced bread.

[Lunatic]

Yeah, he's gotten some weird looks on the playground and things like that. But he's very laid back and doesn't let it bother him. He and his other SAHD have gotten comments when they're together with the kids, like, "Oh, it's dad's day out with the kids." EVERY day is dad's day with the kids!

He does most of the cooking but we share the cleaning. I work at home a lot so I'll do stuff during the day but I do get annoyed with him that he doesn't see dirt or clutter as a problem like I do. I know if I was the one staying at home, the house would be a lot cleaner!

[mnb357]

Lunatic,

Yeah, I hear you about the housekeeping. My husband and I have different standards of tidiness. He's not a slob, but he definitely has a higher tolerance for clutter and disorganization than I do. I work part time evenings, (doing something I LOVE.) Some nights when I come home and it's almost as if the kids tossed every toy they own on the floors! But, if *I* were the one staying home, I would not, nor should not tolerate his griping about my housekeeping when he walked in the door, so I try not to gripe about his. One thing I found that does work is to tell my kids that I'm happy they have fun playing with each other, but out of consideration, the house needs to look as good as if not better when I come home as it did when I left.

[desertvixen]

I agree that being a SAHD is probably tough, but deelaem and LadyBBR have hit on a point - when men do something that women traditionally do, such as take care of the kids, they seem to get an inordinate amount of praise.

When I was married, 2 weeks after our daughter was born I found myself alone at home because her father had to go TDY for two months for school in AZ (we lived in GA). Just what moms do.

When she was nine months old, and I had to go TDY for 6 weeks, leaving HIM alone with her - it was like he'd earned the Nobel Peace prize - and she was in daycare. He wasn't home with her all day.

Even something as simple as him changing diapers seemed like an opportunity for others (especially older women) to fawn over him. He was just being a parent, not doing anything he shouldn't have been doing.

[LadyBBR]

When women step outside traditional roles (like go to work) no one is so excited about it. Since women have been working outside of the home in large numbers for awhile, men should have been stepping up to the plate to do this kind of stuff long ago!!

[pomology]

I know if I was the one staying at home, the house would be a lot cleaner!

This amuses me because if my dad stayed at home all day (which my mom does, but she also works, so most of the day she is working, not doing household-like things) it would be immaculate. In fact, I think my father would probably be a great stay at home dad, because he is a very organized neat freak and loves to cook and garden and things like that. He's even the person in my family that goes shopping regularly. Of course, he is also a workaholic, who works probably 10 hours a day and often on the weekends and I'm not sure he'd know what to do with himself at home. But honestly, my father would probably make a much better stay at home parent in terms of housekeeping than my mother does. Not that my parents have children that live at home full time anymore except for the dog.

[SunnyAndrsn]

DH was for a year, and I was very jealous. We both ended up working for a while after that, and then I was laid off. I was able to stay home for several years after that. I think he was better suited that I was to be the SAHparent. He was amazing! We both cared for the house/household well, but very differently. I had to let go a little bit on some things that I would have done differently.

We both learned a lot about each other, our life goals, our marriage/partnership. He's in grad school full time now, but had the summer off. Lucky! No kids at home at this point either :-)

[Angri-la]

My little girl's daddy is a stay @ home. He has a job he can do from home, and is honestly, better suited to the role than I. It has worked well so far, and I am happy to work hard and come home to my darlings. I do contribute to housework and child rearing. Just because I have a vagina does not mean I am suited to stay home.