Lori Alexander: Give Your Husband SEX!

[hapamama]

TEN MINUTES?

What The Fuck.

If a hand job takes 10 minutes, you're doing it wrong.

If a blow job takes 10 minutes, you're probably doing that wrong too.

Average coitus (that's intercourse) without any foreplay, takes 3-7 (some studies say as long as 13 minutes) minutes according to studies I'm seeing... so yeah, if you're skipping the foreplay, 10 minutes is probably plenty.

I'm all for a quickie every now and then, but if it only took 10 minutes every time? Nooooo thank you!

[LostSamurai]

If sex for you takes about ten minutes, then y'all be doing it wrong...

[Koala]

Dear Lori,

My husband and I waited for sex until marriage. I don't regret it for a minute- it was the right choice for us. We love each other and love sex with each other.

Then, a week before our first anniversary, he was in a major car accident. He now says that the pain from his three leg fractures and decimated intestine makes it difficult for him to even want sex! Lori, he hasn't given me sex in 50 days!

How do you recommend that I shame him into marital intercourse while keeping him from making weird twisted faces?

^I think I'll actually comment this.

Well the rule Lori was referring to only applies to women. If men don't feel like sex it's okay because submission. Women are the only ones that are supposed to "give sex" on command.

[LynnGrey]

in response to your question, "Given?" ... exactly. It's shared... but not in fundie-land, where it's all about keeping men happy.

in response to the side note - no. You're not alone.

What is the fundie repsonse when the woman is hornier than the man? (probably to deny the urge to better serve the husband until he asks for it. submissiveness, don'tchaknow)

Growing up in the whole purity/Christian culture thing, I was taught that men are horndogs and women don't care for sex, hence why we are to "give" sex even when we don't want to. But now that I'm grown up and in an adult relationship, this makes absolutely no sense to me. We both share desire for each other, and it feels equal. Sometime I want intimacy more than him. I can't even imagine what kind of relationships these fundies must have if they promote "giving" sex, and a 10-minute quickie, at that. That is just giving an orgasm. Letting your body be used. They never address a woman having a higher sex drive, but I suspect you're right, that they would be told to deny the urge so they can be submissive.

[Stynjen]

Also, I wonder how many of these men would get laid more often if they did some of the work around the house, and she wasn't so tired. Not to say that's why they should do it, but there are some days where I would greatly prefer the dishes being done and the kitchen being cleaned while I relaxed, rather than getting me flowers.

I like to call this Choreplay! lol

[Olive Plant]

I love how she writes about sex as if it is an object, not an act. Like it's something women should just hand over, wrapped up like a present. Here you go, honey! I'm giving you sex!

Also, pelvic rest doesn't mean just no intercourse, it means nothing that could cause arousal or orgasm. I had preterm labor with twins, and my OB was very descriptive when he gave me my restrictions. Orgasm causes the uterus to contract, and I didn't need any more contractions. I was also told no nipple stimulation for the same reason.

After that appointment, my husband told me that if I couldn't enjoy anything, he wouldn't either.

If I was told by my doctor that I should not get aroused for X amount of months, then no way would I have sex, in any form, with my significant other. Avoiding arousal while being intimate with your partner is way more unhealthy, in my opinion, than not doing it for awhile. If he wanted to get off, he could masturbate. I would have no problem with that.

If I'm giving a guy I love a blow job, it's going to make me want to do other stuff. And FYI, Lori: women wanting to do stuff other than just provide a sexual service as some sort of elevated sperm dumpster is NOT a sin. It's sort of the opposite.

[Koala]

Funny how she only has 9 comments on that post. Wonder how many she's had to delete :whistle:

[Magdelope]

Funny how she only has 9 comments on that post. Wonder how many she's had to delete :whistle:

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.

I'm happy she got so many negative comments though, that she did post. It leads me to believe that those that we can see were the most positive ones.

Seriously though, she must be so unhappy! :(

And she can't give me any advice as my partner is another woman :D

[Bloo]

She asked (via email) if my question was serious and to respond if it was. That's honestly a lot more consideration than I thought I would get. I said yes, because I do seriously want to know what she says when the shoe is on the other foot.

[VooDooChild]

(sorry for the double post)

The Levitical laws are pretty strict about "spilling the seed." That might include the duration of pregnancy, as it would "spill the seed" when it's not possible to conceive another life. And they *definitely* do not include hand jobs or oral sex.

Lori - how 'bout men need to grow up and fundie women need to quit thinking of them as some sort of strange amalgamation of sons/little boys and providers/headships.

I always understood the "spilling the seed" verse to mean God was not pissed about the spilled seed specifically, but because dude was not fulfilling his duty to have children in his brother's name. More of a "heart" issue rather than the act of pulling out.

Also, I am always hornier than my hubby. And Lori is brainless.

[Bloo]

Well, huh. She posted it. Now to see what she and others have to say about it.

[Minerva]

Well, huh. She posted it. Now to see what she and others have to say about it.

You discussed shaming someone into sex and she had to ask if it was serious? Oh boy...

[Bookworm89]

Ken response to Bloo's post and another make me want to bang my head on a table. Though my first reaction was :shock: that he replied and not Lori.

[amydamy]

I will agree with you 100%. Lori has been quite ill many years of our 32 years of marriage, and there are times her pain has been 7-8-9- and 10 out of 10. Of course a loving husband not only understands, but he also has no interest in adding to his wife's burdens.

On the other hand, it was much appreciated when Lori would think about my needs, and there were times where I initiated sex not so much because I wanted it, but because I felt she needed a small distraction, even if for a moment from her life difficulties. Such sex is not overly satistying for either party, but the chemicals produced can be a part of heaking.

When a spouse is in pain or ill it should not be an automatic shutting down of the love making that is a necessary part of the relationship. There are many feel good chemicals that are released by sex and the ill person can benefit from God's natural drugs and the closeness that comes from such intimacy for many hours afterwards.

So for those out there with similar circumstances we fully understand that sex takes a back seat to other forms of intimacy, if even such can be created. But do not lose sight of all the good that the sexual experience can give to even the ill person, and explore healthy healing without assuming that whenever one is ill they cannot or should not have sex. That is each couple's decision as to what is best recognizing GOd's ideal, even when ill, to gain God's blessings.

Ken is such a creeper. That whole thing gives me the heebie jeebies.

Does anyone else think Ken cheated on Lori at some point and blamed her for not giving him enough sex.

[RachelB]

I love how she writes about sex as if it is an object, not an act. Like it's something women should just hand over, wrapped up like a present. Here you go, honey! I'm giving you sex!

Also, pelvic rest doesn't mean just no intercourse, it means nothing that could cause arousal or orgasm. I had preterm labor with twins, and my OB was very descriptive when he gave me my restrictions. Orgasm causes the uterus to contract, and I didn't need any more contractions. I was also told no nipple stimulation for the same reason.

After that appointment, my husband told me that if I couldn't enjoy anything, he wouldn't either.

She's treating sex (and, really, women's bodies) as a commodity, and that mode of thinking is responsible for a lot of ills, IMO. Like treating the word "no" as if it's the beginning of a negotiation.

[Three and Done]

As I have read through this thread, I keep expecting someone to comment on the emotional aspects of sex, and have been disappointed not to see it mentioned much.

First, let me preface the following remarks with the caveat that I have been the victim of domestic violence and rape.

That being said - I personally could not force myself to have sex with a partner that is repeatedly verbally, mentally, and/or physically abusive (as many of the fundie men are, although that is not openly acknowledged by their wives). Sharing your body with another person is quite literally the MOST vulnerable and intimate interaction you will have with another adult human being, and opening myself up in that way to someone that has damaged my psyche through abuse would be anathema to me.

I feel very sorry for these women. :(

[Koala]

I thought this was interesting.

Lori:

Yes, as long as you have expectations of your husband and what is biblically required of him, you will never have a happy marriage.

Now we aren't supposed to have any expectations of our husbands at all. I guess we just slap a big smile on our faces and put out matter what. :angry-steamingears:

I went into my marriage with fairly high expectations for how I wanted to be treated. Had those expectations not been met I wouldn't have been mad, I'd have been gone. That's just how we roll here. Been married right at 12 years (together for 15) with no end in sight.

[kpmom]

Does anyone know what Lori's illness or illnesses is/are that he is speaking of?

[Minerva]

I thought this was interesting.

Lori:

Now we aren't supposed to have any expectations of our husbands at all. I guess we just slap a big smile on our faces and put out matter what. :angry-steamingears:

I went into my marriage with fairly high expectations for how I wanted to be treated. Had those expectations not been met I wouldn't have been mad, I'd have been gone. That's just how we roll here. Been married right at 12 years (together for 15) with no end in sight.

So...women shouldn't expect their husbands to follow the Bible when it comes to how they treat their wives?

[Queen Of Hearts]

Only 10 minutes? Bawahahahaha! Now I think I understand why Lori seems like such a bitch. I would be too, if 10 minutes was the standard in my home.

[wild little fox]

The thing is these fundie men are not treating their wives "as Christ loved the church." I rarely see a fundie man who follows this part of what Paul said.

[Koala]

I love how Ken keeps replying. He's clearly got a dog in this fight :roll:

[Minerva]

I love how Ken keeps replying. He's clearly got a dog in this fight :roll:

Can't let anyone get away with suggesting that Lori has the right to refuse sex, now can he? He might also be acutely aware that she just told the world he's a ten minute wonder.

[boysmom]

The thing is these fundie men are not treating their wives "as Christ loved the church." I rarely see a fundie man who follows this part of what Paul said.

She's replying to me there and with the "you will never have a happy marriage if you expect things from your husband." I thought it was interesting that she'd say such a thing to me when I never said that I did, only that it's required of him by the Bible, if that's the belief system a person believes in. It's all about picking and choosing in these "biblically based marriages" and they pick the parts that put all the burden on the wife. Because Jesus loved the church so much that he literally completely submitted himself by DYING. These fundie men do nothing and then the women just believe that they must submit, submit, submit and that somehow he will come around.

[desertvixen]

From Ken:

On the other hand, it was much appreciated when Lori would think about my needs, and there were times where I initiated sex not so much because I wanted it, but because I felt she needed a small distraction, even if for a moment from her life difficulties. Such sex is not overly satistying for either party, but the chemicals produced can be a part of heaking.

Snickering wildly at the bolded.

When a spouse is in pain or ill it should not be an automatic shutting down of the love making that is a necessary part of the relationship. There are many feel good chemicals that are released by sex and the ill person can benefit from God's natural drugs and the closeness that comes from such intimacy for many hours afterwards.

Is this supposed be like the runner's high?

I'm sorry, but I guess I just don't understand wanting to have sex with my partner when he is in pain, or when I am. To me, it seems like intimacy and the good of the relationship would be better served by something like a backrub, or heating pads, or taking the kids out of the house so it's blissfully quiet.

See my comment above...You can have sex without having sexual intercourse. Most men can't go months and months or even days without some release. This is one reason God said, "It is better to marry than to burn." Of course, most men will be concerned about the safety of their babies but that doesn't mean they will lose all sexual desire.

I realize there may be times when women are just to ill to satisfy their husbands in any way. I know. I've been there, however, I am writing to the majority of women who can please their husbands but just don't want to for various reasons.

Why am I not surprised?

However, the man is just as responsible for satisfying his wife as she is for him and I don't see how that could happen in 10 minutes!

Is Jane one of us? Maybe she should be.

Yes, as long as you have expectations of your husband and what is biblically required of him, you will never have a happy marriage. I did that for 23 years and it didn't work. The Bible commands women to love their husbands and obey them. It doesn't tell them to make sure their husbands are being obedient to the Word. In fact, it tells them that if their husbands are disobedient to the Word, they need to win them WITHOUT a word.

Does she ever really tell THIS story on her blog?