Once again, this adoptive mom is pissing me off.

[Peas n carrots]

That "adoption through disruption" site was one of the saddest things I've seen. Most of those children are described as basically 'normal' children, who just aren't fitting in with the family dynamic, or are too needy - most aren't even described as violent or particularly challenging ! I understand they might be trying to minimize the issues to increase the chances of their being placed .. but still, I can't imagine how they can just be dumped so easily. Horrific.

That is what I thought too. I get they are likely minimizing some issues, but it seems that almost across the board the kids adopted were brought into homes with at least a few bio siblings already there. There were a few where it just seemed like they didn't fit the family dynamic.

Hell I didn't fit my family dynamic, and there are tons of "black sheep" out there. I wish I could just bring these kids home with me.

[precious_one]

That is what I thought too. I get they are likely minimizing some issues, but it seems that almost across the board the kids adopted were brought into homes with at least a few bio siblings already there. There were a few where it just seemed like they didn't fit the family dynamic.

Hell I didn't fit my family dynamic, and there are tons of "black sheep" out there. I wish I could just bring these kids home with me.

I was in the foster care many years ago and that is the way a lot of families were. They would have a child removed not because of behavioral problems but because they felt the child was not a good fit. Maybe the child was used to a different bed time routine or had different ways of waking up in the mornings. Those were some of the real reasons.

[Ukfundielover]

This one is an absolute peach!

somewherebehindthemorning.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/9-weeks-home.html

She adopted 2 from the Ukraine, one a baby daughter with Down Syndrome and one a little boy of five. It turns out her little boy has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome which she says she never knew about, although it's one of the main risks in adopting from eastern European countries so... *shrug* Anyway she goes on at great length about all the naughty things he does and then bingo 18 months later she adopts 2 more children, another baby and a little girl of 9 from Ethiopia - a country where few are real orphans, most are economic orphans given up to adoption by the west because their parents can't afford to feed them. She says that she needed to adopt again to experience parenting a normal child. How lovely for her! Not to worry about the little boy with Fas, he's now got Rad and gone to respite... Forever it would seem. Because its all about her and not about a five yr old!

My favourite - when she went to Jamaica on an adults only holiday 5 months after adopting the first two because it was sooooo hard and she needed a break. Bless. That five yr old though he ruined her holiday by crying in the car when she picked him up. Imagine!!

How did she get approval for another 2 when she was already getting rid of one???

Edited for typo

[BelieveinScience]

This one is an absolute peach!

somewherebehindthemorning.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/9-weeks-home.html

She adopted 2 from the Ukraine, one a baby daughter with Down Syndrome and one a little boy of five. It turns out her little boy has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome which she says she never knew about, although it's one of the main risks in adopting from eastern European countries so... *shrug* Anyway she goes on at great length about all the naughty things he does and then bingo 18 months later she adopts 2 more children, another baby and a little girl of 9 from Ethiopia - a country where few are real orphans, most are economic orphans given up to adoption by the west because their parents can't afford to feed them. She says that she needed to adopt again to experience parenting a normal child. How lovely for her! Not to worry about the little boy with Fas, he's now got Rad and gone to respite... Forever it would seem. Because its all about her and not about a five yr old!

My favourite - when she went to Jamaica on an adults only holiday 5 months after adopting the first two because it was sooooo hard and she needed a break. Bless. That five yr old though he ruined her holiday by crying in the car when she picked him up. Imagine!!

How did she get approval for another 2 when she was already getting rid of one???

Edited for typo

Theres actually a lot more to it than that. I follow her private blog and obviously I won't be sharing what she says because its a private blog for a reason.

[Austin]

Theres actually a lot more to it than that. I follow her private blog and obviously I won't be sharing what she says because its a private blog for a reason.

Well, I guess since she only tells the "real story" on her private blog, all we have to go on is what she says in her public blog. Why anyone would post publically all the crappy stuff they've done while keeping any mitigating factors in a private blog is beyond me.

[moodygirl86]

Well, I guess since she only tells the "real story" on her private blog, all we have to go on is what she says in her public blog. Why anyone would post publically all the crappy stuff they've done while keeping any mitigating factors in a private blog is beyond me.

Maybe she thinks it would be prideful otherwise? *sarcasm*

[BelieveinScience]

Well, I guess since she only tells the "real story" on her private blog, all we have to go on is what she says in her public blog. Why anyone would post publically all the crappy stuff they've done while keeping any mitigating factors in a private blog is beyond me.

Because she started sharing and the moment you say ANYTHING negative about adoption you get jumped by a bunch of people. Becaue people think adoption should be all sunshine and rainbows which it hardly is. Some people were trying to be brave, including this blogger, by opening more to the reality of it bit by bit. But Some of the stuff she was being sent because of it was just atrocious. Renee ffrom myspecialks.com, Adoption is basically disrupted- and she faced the same issue. Their adopted kid hasnt lived with them since June.

[Austin]

I have no doubt that some people were critical and atrocious. Child collecting is a controversial practice.

[meda]

I have no doubt that some people were critical and atrocious. Child collecting is a controversial practice.

That about sums it up for me.

[BelieveinScience]

I have no doubt that some people were critical and atrocious. Child collecting is a controversial practice.

Not everyone who adopts kids from overseas/foster care are child collectors.

[moodygirl86]

Not everyone who adopts kids from overseas/foster care are child collectors.

Of course not, but this woman doesn't exactly make herself look good from the public information she chooses to put out. However, I respect your loyalty in not repeating what she's put on her private blog.

[Sola]

I cannot understand why the US laws haven't been changed in light of all the disrupted adoptions. Adopting isn't like buying a new dress where when you get it home you decide you don't like it so you take it back to the shop. One disrupted adoption is too many.

In all my years in my job I've known one adoption which went wrong. This was a five year old boy who was severely autistic and had suffered neglect and abuse. His adopted mum battled for years with very little help coping with T's extreme behaviour. Finally whrn T was 13 he attacked her and T's mum couldn't cope anymore. T went to a residential school, but his adoption wasn't broken as such. He came home at school hlidays and now at 19 he's just gone to a residential college. His adopted mum is still his mum. Broken adoptions are unheard of here.

[Austin]

Of course not, but this woman doesn't exactly make herself look good from the public information she chooses to put out. However, I respect your loyalty in not repeating what she's put on her private blog.

People who are truly concerned about children do not adopt one international special needs child after the next, barely giving each child enough time to acclimate and settle in before they're off to collect the next. So how is she not a child collector?

[Guest Anonymous]

People who are truly concerned about children do not adopt one international special needs child after the next, barely giving each child enough time to acclimate and settle in before they're off to collect the next. So how is she not a child collector?

And why has she got photos of children on her blog that are not her own? One seems to have been fostered elsewhere and never was part of her family. And one little boy has been moved into 'permanent respite', whatever that joyful turn of phrase really means.

[Dollypeeps]

But no one said adoption was easy and a bed of roses what was objected to was disruption after 2 weeks by one blogger.

Also why keep a private blog and an open one isn't that like ones a truth, ones a lie kind of thing. I really don't get that at all.

One blog would do and sod if folks are not nice, you can take off the comments button or vet all of them tedious but helps.

[ILoveJellybeans]

I think the difference between a child collector, and someone who adopts because they love children and want to bring another child into their home, is that child collectors often adopt several unrelated children at once, and once their kid comes home, they are already thinking of adopting the next (sort of like the Duggars and other quiverfull families do with giving birth), but someone who is adopting for good reasons will often wait years between each child, ensuring that their latest child has settled in and is doing well before adding to the family. Child collectors, like quiverfull people will often care more about the image of having a big happy family and the children as one big pile of kids, but people who are adopting for good reasons think of their children as individuals and seem to like children a lot more.

[sassyNoz47]

I'm trying to figure out exactly where they live. At one point they were in Wichita KS moved to TX but are back in Kansas now. I wonder if its Wichita again? Thats 40 miles from me and dh commutes there daily for work. I'd love to take this little girl off her hands regardless of her issues. I'm already raising a child with Autism so not much scares me. BTW I call bull on a neuologist talking to the child then saying autistic maybe? BULL trust me its not so easy to get such a dx and a neuro is not going to just spurt it out. There are only a few drs in the entire state who can dx.

[FeministShrew]

Is it just me, or are most of these kids being "disrupted" because they need a sense of control over their lives? The one little boy who started urinating & defecating in his room because an alarm was put on the door to keep him from leaving his room at night - I'd be pissed too if I were a prisoner in my bedroom for 10-12 hours a night!

The girls are all too independent or competitive, something I'm sure would not sit well with a fundie family. It sounds like some of the adoptive mothers are just jealous of a little girl who is not a blood relative.

The worst to me are the sisters who are being removed from the adoptive family for making "accusations" against family members. Maybe the accusations are true?

I shouldn't have read any of them. The whole thing is just sickening.

I'd love to know how many of the families are fundie, and the main issue is the control & power they need to have over their kids.

[dairyfreelife]

Because she started sharing and the moment you say ANYTHING negative about adoption you get jumped by a bunch of people. Becaue people think adoption should be all sunshine and rainbows which it hardly is. Some people were trying to be brave, including this blogger, by opening more to the reality of it bit by bit. But Some of the stuff she was being sent because of it was just atrocious. Renee ffrom myspecialks.com, Adoption is basically disrupted- and she faced the same issue. Their adopted kid hasnt lived with them since June.

I wouldn't say she is disrupted since Kellsey is living with her grandmother, Renee's mother. I woudn't call Renee a child collector either. From her blog, it seems they are trying to do what's best for Kellsey to keep her safe and give her what she needs and that she is doing better in a one-on-one environment. Someone said Renee was a bad example, but I disagree. She's been working on doing the best for Kellsey since she's been here and still considers Kellsey her daughter. Renee's not Eggroll woman who wants to give up because her daughter had more going on than she planned. The issue to me isn't disruption or getting treatment for a troubled child, it's that a woman who adopted a child from another country that decides she doesn't want the child anymore after two weeks for having some issues she had not planned on. Eggroll collector needs to be barred from future adoptions imo.

[BelieveinScience]

I wouldn't say she is disrupted since Kellsey is living with her grandmother, Renee's mother. I woudn't call Renee a child collector either. From her blog, it seems they are trying to do what's best for Kellsey to keep her safe and give her what she needs and that she is doing better in a one-on-one environment. Someone said Renee was a bad example, but I disagree. She's been working on doing the best for Kellsey since she's been here and still considers Kellsey her daughter. Renee's not Eggroll woman who wants to give up because her daughter had more going on than she planned. The issue to me isn't disruption or getting treatment for a troubled child, it's that a woman who adopted a child from another country that decides she doesn't want the child anymore after two weeks for having some issues she had not planned on. Eggroll collector needs to be barred from future adoptions imo.

It was me who said Renee wasn't a good example. Her blog isn't reality. She won't officially disrupt Kellsey because of "image" reasons. Read between the lines on her blog.

ETA: Renee isn't alone in trying to keep the "image" thing when it comes to adopted kids. Its a lot more common than one would think.

[Dysfundamental]

I cannot understand why the US laws haven't been changed in light of all the disrupted adoptions.

Adoption is regulated at the state level in the US. Some US states have strict laws on international adoptions, and others do not.

[chaotic life]

I read the archives on the Ukrainian boy with Spina Bifida. I am absolutely heartbroken for him. WHO leaves their child in the hospital at that age unless there is 1000% NO WAY to stay at their side. I'm sorry but we have adopted multiple special needs children and while I've stayed inpatient with siblings WITH me (as has dozens of other parents I've encountered at Children's hospitals in this nation), we have NEVER allowed one of our children to be left without a parent. More than one night I have had to comfort my distraught husband who had to listen to the heartbroken children being left by their parents.

It's one thing to be a single mother in a low wage job who has NO options to stay with their child and not be homeless. It's inexcusable for a SAHM to leave her child in the hospital, especially mere months after homecoming. The child I had once diagnosed with RAD developed it because I allowed his nurses to encourage me to take over his care too fast. Too many painful medical procedures from "mom" meant that person was not safe to bond with. It was 1.5 years into the process that I realized how badly I messed that one up and forced the medical staff to set up home healthcare so I stopped being the source of his PAIN. Within six months he was healing from his RAD and is completely resolved now.

I have such big feelings on that one. You do NOT adopt a child so that they can love you!

[Ukfundielover]

They came home in Dec 2010 with their little boy with spina bifida, and the baby with down syndrome. They didn't originally instead to adopt the baby, but a different little girl, who wasnt then available, so they quickly decided they would take the baby. By the middle of Dec she is feeling resentful of having to help him with his health needs regarding his spina bifida and teaching him a toilet scheduling.. He is their challenge apparently. Now when you adopt a child with Spina Bifida this is going to be the biggest special need so..

In January 2011 he isn't smiling enough or speaking enough English and chattering to himself in Russian. It's decided to put him into preschool. Because that will help a child who has been removed from everything he knew and doesn't speak English, to put him in another environment! He's diagnosed with Rad and Add.

In February she says that she only signed up for physical needs not mental health needs and how could this have happened to her when they were just doing the right thing by adopting.

In march he's described as dangerous, and compared with a family member with skizophrenia. He goes into hospital for a 9 hr operation and nearly dies from complications.

In April he's still in hospital and she catches a stomach bug and is glad of the break even if she does have the nausea because now she doesn't have to visit him in hospital. At the end of April he's out of hospital and she can't decided what she's happier about? "That my boy gets to be in his own home or that I don't have to go to the hospital everyday? hehe :) It was getting pretty exhausting" I'm sure it was. He's been diagnosed with Fas.

In May he's back to preschool, a different one. The time away from him is wonderful. He ruins Mothers Day by not taking a good photograph. She thinks he would have been better off in institutional care, that he dOesnt need a family environment.

In June she says 'I have never met two more emotional, whiny, and frustrating children in my whole life than boy and baby' They go on an adults only holiday, and she follows this straight up with a week just with the baby to give extra respite from him. He goes to camp. Another new environment. She starts talking about disrupting the adoption because this isn't what they expected.

In July he's put on an anti depressant. A new adoption starts being talked about because it would be so nice to have a typical child in the family. Donations start being asked for.

In the next few months they commit to a new child and get their homestudy updated. How can you be approved for another adoption when you are struggling already??

In January 2012 she posts about rant about being given an emotional disordered child.

Next post is June with photos of their 2 new children. Their little boy is in respite and doesn't come home again.

My heart breaks for the cinfusion and bewilderement he must have felt since coming to the US.

[rollmeover]

I'm a mother of two children who are adopted so I do know that adoption is hard work at times, because even in the "best" circumstances for an adopted child (which I guess is being relinquished at birth by healthy biological parent/s with no abuse, neglect, substance abuse, multiple foster homes or institutional life) the child has still experienced loss and trauma. One of my children was very very hard to parent and had no capacity to trust and no ability to relax - to protect the child, I don't want to go into detail but we were considering how to protect me and the other kids from potentially lethal violence on a daily basis and were heart broken to consider that the child would perhaps need to temporarily live in a thereputic setting because of the trauma of the other children in our home who were also the targets. But never once did we consider disrupting/dissolving the adoption - our children are our children, for ever; we are their parents for ever and ever.

This thread has had both me and my husband in literal tears. I can't imagine the pain and confusion and isolation these children have had to endure. I've been troubled by how many apparently normal people who appear from their blogs to be quite acceptable parents and members of society have adopted children from abroad and then "rehomed" them. I just don't understand it. These are human beings. Vulnerable, precious human beings.

[chaotic life]

That woman disgusts me. I remember clearly the first time my first medical needs child had a REAL conversation with me in English. He came from an orphanage where they spoke English amongst the staff but was not specificlly taught much. He at least had some exposure to it before homecoming, as small as that exposure was. He had been home nearly 3 months and was able to put together 3 broken and grammatically incorrect sentences to express how much he liked playing with his brothers with the dog.

I was BAWLING to see him accomplish so much. He was struggling with English. He was struggling to accept me as his mother. He ws struggling to accept that being in America meant we treated his medical condition instead of letting it wreck havoc on his body anymore, but that also meant twice a week needles that he hated and blamed ME for.

I also remember my baby from fostercare who was only ever abandoned at the hospital before he was our son, who was left alone when he nearly died in the hospital at four. I remember when he first came home, it took four people to hold him down kicking and screaming just to do vital bloodwork. I remember I would always use numbing cream, then I would stay by his head, holding his head so he couldn't bite anyone and sooth him, sing to him, comfort him....whatever it took to help him know he was safe and NOT alone while they did medical procedures. By the time he died, he would still go nuts with prolonged hospializations but he would endure needles like a professional and without anyone having to hold him at all.

I cannot IMAGINE someone treating a child in the manner this woman treated her son. I cannot fathom that she is surprised at the behavioral issues that manifested over time. She caused the vast majority of his issues with her own neglect and refusal to attach unless there was something in it for HER. Even her so-called healthy children, she is totally focused on what they give to HER. Adoption is not about you as the parent. It's about sacrifice. How a woman who wanted children to complete herself and to be LOVED passed any homestudy is infuriating though sadly not surprising.

I had a lot of 'kick a wall' moments in grappling with the severe neglect and trauma my son endured in fostercare that was so easily avoided and did such lasting damage to his soul. That woman brings those feelings back up. I have the distinct feeling she doesn't know the different between the children she has collected and her precious dogs.