Once again, this adoptive mom is pissing me off.

[dairyfreelife]

The first US international adoption blog I read was a woman who had a whole big bunch of biological kids and went to Liberia to snag herself a couple of black teenagers. Well, I say she went, but in fact the kids were flown to the USA with an escort, leaving their biological families behind. Instantly on arrival, the boys were no longer allowed to speak their own language, no longer allowed to eat foods they were used to, were given new names and forbidden to use their old ones, and one "son" became outwardly compliant and the other would not give in, and his "rebellion" was affecting the "good son" so he was sent away - he lost his original biological family and he lost his biological brother in America. They were fundies of some sort.

I read another blog now, with a fairly large family who went and adopted two older boys (again I think it was from Liberia and I believe they were biological brothers) even though they had a kid with a special needs and a toddler in the mix, and the mom was either pregnant or had a new born - and again, one son became "good" and the other was shipped off. And this mom has written that she doesn't feel the same about the adopted son but she is fond of him, while lavishing so much obvious adoration on her birth kids, especially the youngest ones. I don't get why people are so sure that they can cope even with existing large families and a single income and babies and toddlers in the home, and kids with existing special needs, and one parent working long hours to support the family and no real knowledge of attachment and trauma - well I do get it: they think they will be supernaturally enabled to cope because it seems like a lovely thing to give a kid a home and material advantages, let alone the soul saving part.

What? :shock: Who's blog is that? That's horrible.

[pixydust]

I agree. You are far from low IQ JFC.

(Glaswegian should definitely qualify as ESOL, though! :P )

Yes, JFC, there is nothing low, or even average intelligence about you....somewhere, someone messed up. Stop telling yourself that you are! I'm willing to bet that there is a learning disability in there, but you are really brainy.

[chaotic life]

Thank y'all for the compliments. Honestly, I have a really hard time with compliments. I do NOT do what I do to be praised. We went into adoption because I knew I had what it would take to work with hurting chldren and give them a chance to heal. It wasn't a guaraantee they would heal but a commitment that they deserved a chance to claim their lives as their own.

I have never spoken any of my boys native tongues. All of them spoke tribal languages in nations where English was the "official" language. Unfortunately, none of my boys came home truly fluent in English. I absolutely do everything in my power to educate myself on their history, culture and past experiences. I do everything I can to help them hold onto that past. At the end of the day, I cannot prevent the loses they experience, but I can be sensitive and supportive as they adapt, grieve those loses and adjust to the life they have now.

[Emme]

Yeah love lovelie did from psycho emma and is with a great family and is thriving

Do they blog? I'm always intrigued by fundies who disrupt.

[Emme]

Re: the Somewhere Behind the Morning woman, does anyone else find it majorly creepy that in her sidebar, she has pictures of her kids under pictures of their dogs and a heading that reads "DON'T BUY PETS- ADOPT THEM! THEY'LL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL!"? WTF, seriously. She doesn't deserve to have children.

P.S. Also, the fixation on Viktor "not looking like" he was described to them is absolutely disgusting. It's absolutely transparent that they just wanted extra special super cute kids all along (the Ethiopian kids happened to fit the bill), and reality was too great of a disappointment. UGH.

I really tried to reach out to her in the midst of all the Victor stuff, especially when she was saying some not nice stuff, but i never got a response from her. I know she saw my comments, but it seemed like she'd rather be mad than actually try to have a civil conversation. I like Christine Reed a lot. She's very honest in her struggles with her children, and she runs a tight ship. She gets A LOT of hate, but I actually am kind of fond of her. Someone asked her what she'd do if she had a gay kid and she said she didn't know, but that above all else she would love that child without question.

[Emme]

I would guess that Victor was in fact suffering RAD by the time he was re-homed. The problem with diagnosing a child with RAD if you do no understand well is the reality that almost always RAD is a DYIAD. It takes a dysfunctional primary bond to create RAD. A child abandoned and traumatized will NEVER attach to the primary caregiver who abandons them and leaves them to be traumatized, and in this case nearly die.

The other thing about RAD is the FIRST RULE of adopting anything but a healthy newborn (it's a rule there but not as often has to be employed because infants are biologically easier to attach to in the first place). The first rule of adoption is FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT.

My son did not finally attach to me until this year. As he began to die, he reached out for me and finally truly accepted me as his mother. That did not mean that there was ever any clue to an outsider of that disordered attachment prior to that point. For all of the years he was not attached to me and I knew I was at risk to not attach to him because of that I ACTED with love and attachment at all costs. Is it easy to remain loving and connected to a child who is not attached to you and never reciprocates? No. However, FAS is NOT the only thing that causes attachment disorder. Medical needs children are at higher risk to have attachment issues in the first place. They have a LOT going on, and when you are first "mom" the medical community does not necessarily give you the authority and respect of really being MOM. I've heard it's similiar with NICU babies, but it's definitely the case when you have medical needs that cannot wait until you have gotten to know your child before you must undergo medical care.

This woman KNEW this child had Spina bifida before she adopted him. She had no business expecting a perfect child who would instantly love her. She was a stranger who wasn't safe. The control, the resentment for his medical issues, her anger that he was not what he was portrayed to be (welcome to the world of adoption idiiot) is absolutely sickening. Victor is precisely what you would have expected him to be for the circumstances he was in, to set him UP for control battles and to leave him alone to face the big, wide medical community alone is reprehensible.

The reality is that a new home is probably the only thing that was going to help Victor at this point. I just take serious issue with the focus on blaming Victor and not accepting that there is something severely messed up with herself and what SHE DID TO THAT CHILD.

I think I'm in love with you..... Like, seriously. You rock!

Disruption sucks, but I do know some people who have disrupted because of safety issues/sexual abuse/physical abuse. If a child is trying to sexually abuse a sibling, the best place for that child is in a loving household WITHOUT any children that he or she can abuse. That way the child has no one to victimize and can actually work on attaching and healing.

[Vex]

Chaotic, I've said it before but I'll say it again - you really are incredible. I would love to adopt one day, and I hope that if I'm able I'll be even half the parent you have been to your kids.

Some adopters are just awful. I was white and Australian and newborn but I still took 3 months to be adopted because my health wasn't perfect. So many adopters want the perfect kid, and will accept nothing less. If the child has baggage, be it health or emotional problems, they just do not want to know. It sickens me. My parents wanted to adopt other children with health challenges such a deafness or downs syndrome, but they turned them down because there was an age cut-off.

[SquirrelySquirrel]

I do NOT do what I do to be praised.

And that's exactly why you rock.

[chaotic life]

My newest son just came to me tonight and let me hug him and rub his back for 20 minutes. Something really bad happened to him today. I know inside he is terrified we'll abandon him. I know because I can see it in his eyes. Everytime I see that look, I remember his words when he first got here that he lived every day in his last "adoptive" home in fear, just waiting for the day they would throw him out.

Very rarely do you need to fully disrupt an adoption. As you can see on the page of children looking for new families, most of the time therapy is NEVER sought out by the first family nor do they go through official agencies to find new homes. My son was not in therapy, nor were the other two children in his first home. They were simply re-homed. It was eaiser than investing in a child's life. In cases where a family has truly done everything in their power and truly needs to find a new family for a child, they have little business doing it ad hoc themselves. They need to let those who know to vet the families do it, but for shame and expenses they usually just do it themselves and spin it so they can sleep at night.

[Austin]

Hopping on the chaotic life bandwagon. You are seriously amazing.

[J'ean Skirt]

Thank y'all for the compliments. Honestly, I have a really hard time with compliments. I do NOT do what I do to be praised. We went into adoption because I knew I had what it would take to work with hurting chldren and give them a chance to heal. It wasn't a guaraantee they would heal but a commitment that they deserved a chance to claim their lives as their own.

You do something very, very few people could do. I read your posts in awe of what you do and how much love and devotion I hear in your writing. It's just nice to know that people like you exist and are there for these kids who are hurting so badly.

[2xx1xy1JD]

I'm so gratefur for people like chaotic life.

I'm also baffled at how poorly screened international adoptions and private "re-homing" can possibly be legal. That webpage on private "re-homing" seemed to have the same sort of issues over and over. For starters: why do people not consider, and why are there no professionals screening for potential sibling issues? I've considered fostering, but my kids are not on board so I won't do it now. I wouldn't create a situation where a new child could pose a risk to my existing children. I also can't figure out the blindness to attachment issues, special needs, language issues and cultural issues.

[Emme]

I'm so gratefur for people like chaotic life.

I'm also baffled at how poorly screened international adoptions and private "re-homing" can possibly be legal. That webpage on private "re-homing" seemed to have the same sort of issues over and over. For starters: why do people not consider, and why are there no professionals screening for potential sibling issues? I've considered fostering, but my kids are not on board so I won't do it now. I wouldn't create a situation where a new child could pose a risk to my existing children. I also can't figure out the blindness to attachment issues, special needs, language issues and cultural issues.

Bingo, baby. I feel like anyone who has parented or who has been around children know that they are unpredictable, do their own thang, and definitely don't adhere to what mommy dearest wants them to be. And that is OK! Kids aren't our hopes and dreams wrapped into one. They are their own unique individuals with their own hopes, dreams, likes and dislikes. But why do people expect kids from another country to be more perfect and grateful than their bio kids? Kids are KIDS. They're going to misbehave and yell "I don't love you" and throw things sometimes. It's not because they're bad. It's because they're freaking terrified, or sad, or sick, or angry.

Blargh.

[jenny_islander]

No, I don't think you're reaction is a hidden biological time bomb :) I think it's more the reaction all good, caring humans have when they read/hear a story of a child being treated like a piece of consumer merchandise about to be returned as damaged goods :evil: and start to naturally think about how the child deserves to be treated and how you could personally help. I have two kids with no plans for another, but I was reading this and thinking about how Linzi could share a room with my DD and how on earth could I learn Chinese...

We would have to go on public assistance and get a loan to build onto our tiny house if we had another child and I am contemplating asking for Linzi to be my daughter. She would have a better life with us than with some nitwit who appears to think that an orphan is a breed of designer dog!

[rollmeover]

My newest son just came to me tonight and let me hug him and rub his back for 20 minutes. Something really bad happened to him today. I know inside he is terrified we'll abandon him. I know because I can see it in his eyes. Everytime I see that look, I remember his words when he first got here that he lived every day in his last "adoptive" home in fear, just waiting for the day they would throw him out.

Very rarely do you need to fully disrupt an adoption. As you can see on the page of children looking for new families, most of the time therapy is NEVER sought out by the first family nor do they go through official agencies to find new homes. My son was not in therapy, nor were the other two children in his first home. They were simply re-homed. It was eaiser than investing in a child's life. In cases where a family has truly done everything in their power and truly needs to find a new family for a child, they have little business doing it ad hoc themselves. They need to let those who know to vet the families do it, but for shame and expenses they usually just do it themselves and spin it so they can sleep at night.

Do you have thereputic communities in the US? I know a couple of adoptive families who have retained parental rights and are still 100% the parents of their kids but because of violence/sexual abuse, the kids cannot live at home and need lots of help and support in a community.

[DarkAnts]

Russa passed a law this week that banns US adoptions. Its all politics but, in the end it only hurts the children.

[kb2]

Hopping on the chaotic life bandwagon. You are seriously amazing.

[valsa]

Russa passed a law this week that banns US adoptions. Its all politics but, in the end it only hurts the children.

I'm very, very sad about this because there is an absolute need for these children to be adopted into a stable family environment instead of being institutionalized. However, we really only have ourselves to blame. While some reputable agencies do a very thorough job vetting their clients, far too many fail to take a serious look at the suitability of the prospective parents (or gloss over it with "well, they're good Christians so of course it will be okay") And far, far too few people speak out about it and try to change the system.

It's not the subtle things either, like requiring education/knowledge about issues like attachment, possibility of undiagnosed special needs, effects of institutionalization, etc. Some big, huge things get missed too. Cases where adopted children have been killed should never happen. There are always red flags when it comes to parents like that but some adoption agencies just don't give a damn.

Not to mention the other glaring failures that don’t end in death. Not all that long ago there was a little Russian girl adopted by a single man who sexually abused her for years. The adoption agency he used never did any follow-up with him after the adoption was complete and obviously didn't do enough beforehand. He had already sexually abused his bio daughter and, though he was never convicted of anything, his ex-wife said she would have told them why he hadn't been allowed to see his daughter in years if the adoption agency had only contacted her. After the adoption, had they done even the most cursory of home visits, they would have discovered the little girl didn't even have her own bedroom in the house and was forced to sleep with her molester.

If U.S. adoption is going to be banned in Russia, I’m heartbroken for the children who are being deprived of loving homes but frankly, at this point, I’m not sure the U.S. deserves to have these children entrusted to them until we put stricter standards in place.

[Arete]

^What valsa said.

I'll also put in my wishes for health, happiness, and peace for chaotic life.

[dairyfreelife]

We would have to go on public assistance and get a loan to build onto our tiny house if we had another child and I am contemplating asking for Linzi to be my daughter. She would have a better life with us than with some nitwit who appears to think that an orphan is a breed of designer dog!

I think Linzi looks adorable and seriously, if I were a bit older and in a more stable environment, I would contemplate it too. Her issues don't seem that bad at all to me or even really issues at all. She sounds like an onery little one, but she'd fit right in with my family. I have my own issues too. Not dangerous, just anxiety and such. I have a 7yo cousin who's from China too, adopted at age four. Of course, I can barely afford me right now. And I'm sure being on antidepressants would disqualify me to adopt any time soon. I hope she gets a great home. She deserves it.

[Emme]

Russa passed a law this week that banns US adoptions. Its all politics but, in the end it only hurts the children.

It may not be put in effect for a year, and it's not totally passed yet, so fingers crossed!!! I have friends in process to adopt from Russia right now. All kids with special needs. All kids who have no life in Russia if they don't get adopted.

[LilMissMetaphor]

I don't know what the issue with these adopted kids being "loud" is. Another blogger just posted about how her family is having a hard time with their newest arrival, and I was reading at the blogs of some of her commenters and they were all complaining about how exhausted they were, trying to look after their eleventy-million blessings and a common theme was that the new kids are LOUD. L-O-U-D. What the fuck? Of all the things you might decide you need to instantly "fix" or "train" as soon as you get on American soil, why would the volume at which the kid speaks be the first thing? Are these parents allergic to noise? What's the big deal?

Just something I noticed and thought was off.

[adayinthelife]

If U.S. adoption is going to be banned in Russia, I’m heartbroken for the children who are being deprived of loving homes but frankly, at this point, I’m not sure the U.S. deserves to have these children entrusted to them until we put stricter standards in place.

I agree.

I don't think adoption is the only way to help Russian children. While I think these children should be in loving homes, it's only a band aid that doesn't address the real issues. For every child that is adopted, another will be born and take their place in the orphanage or institution. If this ban passes I hope this leads to widespread change within the country regarding institutionalized children. It's possible. Hopefully families already in the process of adopting will have the opportunity to complete.

[Patsy]

It may not be put in effect for a year, and it's not totally passed yet, so fingers crossed!!! I have friends in process to adopt from Russia right now. All kids with special needs. All kids who have no life in Russia if they don't get adopted.

I can understand the resentment and desire for a backlash, but it is so unfortunate for so many desperate kids. Does anyone know, is it likely if the U.S. does something to crack down on clueless, inconsiderate adopters, Russia will back down?

[DarkAnts]

I can understand the resentment and desire for a backlash, but it is so unfortunate for so many desperate kids. Does anyone know, is it likely if the U.S. does something to crack down on clueless, inconsiderate adopters, Russia will back down?

From what I understand, it has nothing to do with the few bad adoptions. Its a political ploy because the us passed the U.S. Magnitsky Act to punish a group of Russians for torture and death of a Russian lawyer.. The Times Magazine has a good description of whats going on. http://world.time.com/2012/12/20/why-has-moscow-passed-a-law-to-ban-u-s-adoption-of-russian-orphans/