Once again, this adoptive mom is pissing me off.

[Terrie]

I just don't understand rehoming a child. I understand the children are adopted but I look at adoption the same as giving birth.

Both adopted and biokids may be placed in the foster system because the US mental health care sucks even worse than the rest of the medical system. It's often either place them in foster care or have them arrested if you want your child's issues treated. In some cases, the child being placed may be a danger to the other children in the home. Those sort of cases could often be addressed by a better support system for families.

But, sometimes it's just that child is stuck in the role of family scapegoat and getting rid of the "problem" kid is the only way to "save the family." This can happen with biological families as well. Only people with children who were adopted can paint it up with a pretty picture of bringing them to their "real" family.

[dairyfreelife]

I don't get this. The little girl has only been home for a couple weeks. Most couples with a bio child are still trying to get into the routine of things and bonding at that stage, let alone a 5yo who has been in another country in an institution. Of course it will not be so easy, but to just toss it away so quick because it may have problems you did anticipate. No words.

[formergothardite]

I can't believe she is trying to claim that they spoiled this little girl in a Chinese orphanage. How bad are these "parents" treating this child if orphanage treatment is considered spoiling?

[Spider Burps]

Both adopted and biokids may be placed in the foster system because the US mental health care sucks even worse than the rest of the medical system. It's often either place them in foster care or have them arrested if you want your child's issues treated. In some cases, the child being placed may be a danger to the other children in the home. Those sort of cases could often be addressed by a better support system for families.

Thanks for saying this. My little brother has very severe schizophrenia and he's been in and out of jail since he robbed a convenience store when he was 13. More recently, he's been in jail for the last year for harassing a neighbor (who thought she could take him out to dinner/watch movies while cuddling with his 21 year old self without him thinking she was madly in love with him). When he's home, he has no access to the 24/7 care that he needs and he has no reason to take his medication. In his unmedicated state, he is unable to do anything other than getting hyped up about his delusions. When he's in jail, he stays in solitary to avoid fighting with the other inmates and is considered a model prisoner. The state would rather spend the money on his imprisonment than his residential treatment. I don't know if many people understand this about the US mental health "system."

[Austin]

I wouldn't even do this to an animal. I rescued a stray kitten four years ago and she's grown into a rather unpleasant cat, mean and almost feral in many ways, not particularly cute or endearing in any way. But I don't "disrupt" her, for chrissakes.

[Guest Anonymous]

She has left all the negative comments up as though she believes they show the commenters (and not her) in a negative light. She seems to think she is doing a public service by broadcasting her unthinkable thoughts across the blogosphere. :?

[ems]

I've been following this blog, porknbeansinchina, for a while because it has one of those cute aggravating "look at all my China dolls/eggrolls" theme.

They just brought home their sixth girl.

It's not about you! Holy crap, why do people keep rushing off to their country of choice and picking up these kids like they were stuffed animals and then saying, "it doesn't fit in with my other ones"?

It's a shame she doesn't know what "pay it forward means," but probably more of a shame that she doesn't understand the difference between foster parenting and adoption.

[Jana814]

I read through this post, I don't get why this woman, even adopted again, if this is how she is reaction to the child. Also when taking a child out of a country and the only home they ever known, u HAVE give them time she has only been in this country for a few weeks. Is this woman somehow suprised that this kid is having a harding time adjusting the her other kids did? Every child is different!!

[SoybeanQueen]

I actually discussed with my mum adopting a child when I am more stable in housing etc. Linzi was the trigger for that. It would be a couple of years but although I generally do not love kids I think I could love one kid. I would be able easily to adopt a child at any age who was LD-NOS like I am or had any learning disorders, I would understand.

Their behaviours might be strange but we could work it out together. No big deal. No punishment for a kid who behaves differently either. Difference makes the world.

I hope you get the chance. The world needs more parents who will embrace differences, for sure.

[Ukfundielover]

Emerging from very long lurkdom - A quick google of adopting through disruption led me to this page http://www.wiaa.org/featured.asp and my heart started breaking, For all of the children but most particularly for Andrew - he was so small when he was adopted, and adopting so that you have four children within a 2.5 yr age range just seems madness. Our laws in the UK are incredibly strict around adoption and it's all handled by the government social services, they don't have private agencies but what's the situation in the US regarding moving these children from international adoption around the country?

Edited for spelling

[Patsy]

Emerging from very long lurkdom - A quick google of adopting through disruption led me to this page http://www.wiaa.org/featured.asp and my heart started breaking, For all of the children but most particularly for Andrew - he was so small when he was adopted, and adopting so that you have four children within a 2.5 yr age range just seems madness. Our laws in the UK are incredibly strict around adoption and it's all handled by the government social services, they don't have private agencies but what's the situation in the US regarding moving these children from international adoption around the country?

Edited for spelling

Jeez. Not to mention

Lucas was adopted at age 18 months from Liberia and is now a six year old, handsome lad. His adoptive family is large with six biological children who are both older and younger than he is and 2 other unrelated who were adopted at the same time he was. All 3 of the children have had a hard time adjusting to life in the U.S. so they are each being placed separately into new homes.

[JesusFightClub]

OMG. I have just been reading that site.

I would take on any of those kids except the young girl with sexualised aggression, because that's a tough one. I can't anyway, they're all US kids or approaching that status. Some have already been placed. Right now is not a fantastic time obviously but it gives me something to think about for the future.

I thought Victor could be a good match for me. ODD is not easy but I remember Small when she was traumatised. I got PTSD myself so I know about that.

Peeing themselves or shitting their pants, it's not evil. It's a way of saying "Right, look, I got nothing, but a bit of control and a bit of aggression". Listening to that talk and letting them get it out is better than punishing them for doing it. It can be sorted, if not easily, but it can be done.

The kid is not at fault. It's a case of trying to cope.

[formergothardite]

I'm not that familiar with RAD, but is a kid pooping in their clothes a sign of it? That was the one thing those one parents mentioned as a sign the child had RAD.

These poor children.

[Dollypeeps]

Not all RAD kids poop themselves and it could be another unlying thing wrong too.

I have a son (step) that is on the autistic spectrum. I already knew this as I have another son (bio) that is similar. There is a lot of inappropriate behaviours too that we are working on as D gets older along with A. I always suspected RAD in him too because of the battle to take him from his bio mother (long story and very painful) but it's all been wrapped up into the spectrum umbrella, but he does have a brilliant psychologist that we see every 6 months. He is hard work as is my other son but there is no way in hell I would place him into adoption or another placement. So where the hell do these people get of on saying that they don't fit. Kids don't come in neat packaging they come with problems even your own bio kids and the wording on that site is so sad too.

A question what is the laws on adoption through disrupting (hate that term) are criminal records checked at all just for starters.

[Peas n carrots]

Burps, I'm sorry to hear art your bro. One of my uncles used to work at a state run facility but those have been closed down and the community based services can barely begin to address thr issues of all who require mental health services.

Someone above made a great point that this woman seemed to think of this child as an accessory. I think that statement hits the nail on the head. She has a lot of young children, and perhaps is overextended as it is. Now she has an older adoptee who already comes with a lot of baggage and now perhaps some other issues and I think she has flipped her lid. This was supposed to be her perfect egg roll to complete her perfect f''ing Doris Day egg roll 6-pack, and her bubble has been popped. That is what burns me with Adoptoraptors....with bio kids you adjust and do the best you can. Adoptoraptors see children as disposable products and will give back a "defective" item.

Plus the kreativ spelling of Lindsey pisses me off even more.

[chaotic life]

When families go through a professional facilitator or agency, the new families are vetted. Generally, they are required to at least provide a copy of their most recent homestudy report AND if the child is moving across state lines they must go through ICPC. Children dumped into fostercare also have a vetting process BUT they are at risk for all that can happen in fostercare. Most families attempt to avoid fostercare because you can be charged with child abandonment AND if the state is angry enough they can take custody of all of your children and require you to prove you are safe to have the other children returned, even the biological children in the home.

Because of what CPS can do, and the fact that facilitators and agencies can often require the family to pay for all fees in moving child to a new home, a lot of families prefer to just do it themselves. When a family does it independently, how well the new family is vetted is entirely dependent upon the family disrupting the adoption in the first place.

Our son's first family did ZERO vetting. *We* vetted them and him, but they never once attempted to determine if we were safe or who we claimed to be. Our own lawyer vetted us, the courts are vetting us, but the first family never even asked, much less cared.

[moodygirl86]

Burps, I'm sorry to hear art your bro. One of my uncles used to work at a state run facility but those have been closed down and the community based services can barely begin to address thr issues of all who require mental health services.

Someone above made a great point that this woman seemed to think of this child as an accessory. I think that statement hits the nail on the head. She has a lot of young children, and perhaps is overextended as it is. Now she has an older adoptee who already comes with a lot of baggage and now perhaps some other issues and I think she has flipped her lid. This was supposed to be her perfect egg roll to complete her perfect f''ing Doris Day egg roll 6-pack, and her bubble has been popped. That is what burns me with Adoptoraptors....with bio kids you adjust and do the best you can. Adoptoraptors see children as disposable products and will give back a "defective" item.

Plus the kreativ spelling of Lindsey pisses me off even more.

I was at primary school with a Linzi, funnily enough, a year below me. Her sister was my age but their parents weren't fundie or crazy insane as far as I'm aware...

[Austin]

I hope you get the chance. The world needs more parents who will embrace differences, for sure.

JFC, I think you would make a fine parent. I wouldn't worry about "generally not loving kids". My sons think I've been a pretty good mom and I don't generally love kids. Most kids drive me a little batty, actually, but my own were different. I think you would have a lot to offer a child.

[Ukfundielover]

And another link about children being unofficially moved around, diagnosed with Rad and then being subjected to bizarre treatment in the name of attachment therapy

http://poundpuplegacy.org/node/20406

[Artemis]

JFC, I think you would make a fine parent. I wouldn't worry about "generally not loving kids". My sons think I've been a pretty good mom and I don't generally love kids. Most kids drive me a little batty, actually, but my own were different. I think you would have a lot to offer a child.

Yes, I agree. It isn't always the very 'maternal' people who make brilliant parents, it's the ones who are honest and self-aware, analytical, empathetic, have a good sense of humour and know how not to project their own baggage onto a child. Sometimes the 'I love children' brigade actually love what they think children can /should give to THEM.

I never wanted children, and have two. Motherhood hasn't been easy, as I'm fairly fucked up myself (which is why I mistrusted my own ability to parent), but my children would at least give me a pass grade on parenting. If you can be really brutally honest with yourself, and do possess empathy and determination to persevere, you can do it.

FWIW I think any child brought up by you when you're in the right place personally to adopt, would have an interesting, safe, funny and happy childhood, even if it was a bit unconventional.

[Austin]

Yes, I agree. It isn't always the very 'maternal' people who make brilliant parents, it's the ones who are honest and self-aware, analytical, empathetic, have a good sense of humour and know how not to project their own baggage onto a child. Sometimes the 'I love children' brigade actually love what they think children can /should give to THEM.

I never wanted children, and have two. Motherhood hasn't been easy, as I'm fairly fucked up myself (which is why I mistrusted my own ability to parent), but my children would at least give me a pass grade on parenting. If you can be really brutally honest with yourself, and do possess empathy and determination to persevere, you can do it.

FWIW I think any child brought up by you when you're in the right place personally to adopt, would have an interesting, safe, funny and happy childhood, even if it was a bit unconventional.

Brilliantly stated.

[Sydney Fox]

Yes, I agree. It isn't always the very 'maternal' people who make brilliant parents, it's the ones who are honest and self-aware, analytical, empathetic, have a good sense of humour and know how not to project their own baggage onto a child. Sometimes the 'I love children' brigade actually love what they think children can /should give to THEM.

I never wanted children, and have two. Motherhood hasn't been easy, as I'm fairly fucked up myself (which is why I mistrusted my own ability to parent), but my children would at least give me a pass grade on parenting. If you can be really brutally honest with yourself, and do possess empathy and determination to persevere, you can do it.

FWIW I think any child brought up by you when you're in the right place personally to adopt, would have an interesting, safe, funny and happy childhood, even if it was a bit unconventional.

I totally agree. I really don't like other people's kids, but love my own three. I'm sure I'd go insane working in a daycare, but I do enjoy being home with my kids. None of us are normal though (all my immediate family, including my three kids, are on the autism spectrum), so maybe I just don't understand normal kids' behaviour. :D

JFC, I'm sure you'd be a wonderful parent, since you seem to want to understand a child's motivations and needs, rather than making them conform to your requirements. Raising "different" children can be challenging, but is also extremely rewarding and fun. This is something "Eggroll Lady" will never understand.

[adayinthelife]

This depresses the hell out of me. Sounds like this child needs unconditional love and someone willing to stick by them. Don't adopt if you're not willing to do that.

I've read a lot of adoption blogs and unfortunately, there's a lot of child collectors and people with martyr complexes. One family had over 10 kids to begin with, then adopted 5 SN, institutionalized kids from Bulgaria, and are now going back for three more. It left a pit in my stomach. I wish the laws were stronger. How some families get their homestudy approved is an absolute mystery to me.

[Coconut Flan]

I'm beginning to worry about a family that I know socially. They had five children when I met them. Two were adopted and three were bio, I think. He's off in Bulgaria bringing home two very special needs children to add to their current NINE. Oh and she's pregnant with a baby due approximately a year after the last one. I began getting really concerned when someone called it their adoption ministry. Until the latest two they had enough resources for the children. With these two they've been asking for donations. I don't see how this mother can possibly cope with all the children any more when these two arrive. Yes, they homeschool but at least through the school district where regular texts, assignments, field trips, and a day of classes each week with other children are provided.

[dianapavelovna]

Emerging from very long lurkdom - A quick google of adopting through disruption led me to this page http://www.wiaa.org/featured.asp and my heart started breaking, For all of the children but most particularly for Andrew - he was so small when he was adopted, and adopting so that you have four children within a 2.5 yr age range just seems madness. Our laws in the UK are incredibly strict around adoption and it's all handled by the government social services, they don't have private agencies but what's the situation in the US regarding moving these children from international adoption around the country?

Edited for spelling

Oh my god. I should not have read through all that this morning, because now I'm just angry and sad. I had to side-eye so much in those summaries. I hope all these kiddos find good homes with parents who will love and advocate for them.