Bro Gary Hawkins 17: Naschitti

[Howl]

Quote

Angel Schultz: "Amen. My husband was trying to say that but was fired over that because his former employer wanted to work with minorities." 

Sigh.  I don't think he was fired for being too inclusive. 

[thoughtful]

Gary preached Sunday school and the morning service at Cornerstone Baptist Church in Las Cruces, New Mexico this morning.

Sunday school - they all sing Jesus Loves Even Me and This World is Not My Home.

After announcements (which include plans for some distancing in seating, and options to listen from the parking lot, for upcoming services), the pastor says he is excited to have Brother Gary there, since he is "booked up way in advance," and urges them to be on the edge of their seats. You got a big build-up there, Gary.

Gary's subject for Sunday school is giving his burden. Y'know . . . for America. And I just made myself want to watch The Hudsucker Proxy.

He tells them all lives matter, whatever "collar," and that he's  been on the res, and is gettin' so he can joke around with 'em, adding to his obnoxious comment from Wednesday night, about Indians being "rougher" - "Ah never told a man - told a white man - ah was gonna scalp 'im, amen."

But "they're mah people. Ah go to Black churches - they're mah people. Ah go to Spanish churches an' ah have no idear what they say, and they have no idear what ah say - they're mah people."

When have you ever gone to a Black church, Gary? And I don't think you've been to Spain - did you mean Spanish-speaking churches?

Then he can't find his reading, and Becky has to tell him it's Mark 1:38.

KJV: And he said unto them, Let us go into the next towns, that I may preach there also: for therefore came I forth.
Bro Gary Version: And he said unto them, Let us go into the next town, that I may preach there also: for therefore ah came - therefore came ah forth.

Most of this is basically the spiel he does when he makes his whiny videos from hotel rooms, but not quite as unpleasant, mixed with some "support missionaries" and his fantasy about a gambler in Nevada finding his tracts and giving all of his winnings to a church.

He says God has been protecting him, so far, boasts that he preached to the president of the Navajo nations and "me nor neither of the preachers have gone to prison, so far, amen."

Gary, if it wasn't OK to be in church at that point, do you think Nez would have been there? You were in no danger of being arrested, idiot.

Sometimes I wonder if Gary sits, pretending to read his Bible, and has persecution fantasies. If so, I think his latest is about Nez having troops cart him away in handcuffs, then scalping him before setting him in the electric chair. Possibly some scourging or crucifixion first. I hope Gary has never seen A Man Called Horse.

This is a responsive congregation, mostly in agreement with Gary. There is one wonderful moment, when, after Gary asks (for probably the 5th time) "Am ah makin' sense this mornin'?" a deep voice clearly says "Little bit."

Gary brags that he was in New York, knocking on doors, at a time when he was most likely to catch the "vahris," because it was "very popular."

I don't think that's the right word, Gary.

Gary says that, if he got "the Covid," and ended up in the hospital, that "hopefully ah'd have enough God about me to tell the nurses about God. Hopefully ah'd have enough God about me to tell the nurses about God."

He urges them to proselytize to all medical staff they meet. Also co-workers, strangers, friends, enemies . . .

[thoughtful]

Sunday morning service at Cornerstone starts with all singing Look and Live, a flute solo special of Count Your Blessings, then all sing Wonderful Words of Life.

Pastor makes some announcements, and hands out membership packets and (I think) baptism certificates.

Another special - the "ladies quartet" sings Gone.

Again, the pastor urges them to be on the edge of their seats for Gary. Gary raises his fist (as in assent, not a threat), which makes Becky giggle, when the pastor says he's going back east soon.

Gary comes up, and slaughters:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+4%3A12-23&version=KJV

Capernaum becomes Caprium, Nephthalim is Neptilium, Zabulon is Zebliun, Esaias is still Elias, to Gary.

KJV: Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.
BGV: Foller me, and ah weell make you fishermenuh men.

The theme is How to Go Fishin'.

Gary tells them right away that he doesn't fish. But he knows what kind of bait catches people.

Gary announces Ephesians 5:8, and actually reads from Ephesians 5:8! It's a miracle!

Well, sort of.

KJV: For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of light:
BGV: For ye were sometimes darkened, but now ye are laht - ye are the laht - ye - now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children. Of light:

Be a light wherever you go, including "Walmarts - ah hate that place."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+3%3A19&version=KJV

Repent.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+3%3A1-3&version=KJV

Esaias is still Elias, and there are lots of other errors.

He tells us that Becky set out his pills for him last night (anybody surprised that she does this for him? No? I wonder if she does the toothpaste, like Teri Maxwell), with a drink. "Ah drank what she put besahd mah bed, and ah lahk to puke it out - it was un-sweet tea! God ah pray mah wahf will get saved, Haymen!"

Becky, of course, is giggling.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=james+1%3A22-23&version=KJV

Nothing new after this one.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=hebrews+11%3A7&version=KJV

KJV: became heir of the righteousness which is by faith.
BGV: became hairs of their righteousness which is by faith.

Pray for your family, keep trying to convert them.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=hebrews+11%3A17&version=KJV

KJV: By faith Abraham, when he was tried, offered up Isaac: and he that had received the promises offered up his only begotten son,
BGV: By faith Abelham - Abram - Abra-ham, when he was tried, offered up Isaac: and he that heard received the promise offered up upon his only begotten son,

I think the large print Bible is not helping much.

Be prepared to sacrifice something. Gary's father gave up Mountain Dew.

Again, Gary boasts about preaching to Nez, and wishes he could preach to Joe Bahden and WICKED Pelosi and Trump, so they don't go to Hell.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+18%3A13&version=KJV

Nothing new.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+16%3A25-26&version=KJV

Gary says one of the stickers on the back of his car came off when he went through the car wash the other day. It was, of course, the one about the party in Hell being cancelled due to the "fahr," and, of course, he misquotes it.

Gary, you keep needing to buy new copies of that bumper sticker - maybe it's a sign from God.

Rich man lifted his eyes in torment. Be sure you're saved. Go fishin'.

[Maggie Mae]

I really don't understand the appeal of this kind of preaching, or this church. It appears that he preached three times this morning, and the same women sang several times, and it all just seems like such a boring way to spend a Sunday. 

Furthermore, WHY would he go on and on about fishing in a community where fishing isn't exactly a preferred outdoor hobby due to climate and lack of water? 

[Ozlsn]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Capernaum becomes Caprium, Nephthalim is Neptilium, Zabulon is Zebliun, Esaias is still Elias, to Gary.

He's veering into Battlestar Galactica territory.

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Gary tells them right away that he doesn't fish. But he knows what kind of bait catches people

Oh dear, my mind went to "flirty fishing" and now I need brain bleach.

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Be a light wherever you go, including "Walmarts - ah hate that place."

Gary, shining his little lamp of happiness to the world there.

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Ah drank what she put besahd mah bed, and ah lahk to puke it out - it was un-sweet tea! God ah pray mah wahf will get saved, Haymen!"

Bitter tea? Did it smell of almonds there Gary..?

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Be prepared to sacrifice something. Gary's father gave up Mountain Dew

Now there's a mighty sacrifice for your religion. How did that enhance his faith, did they say? 

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary says that, if he got "the Covid," and ended up in the hospital, that "hopefully ah'd have enough God about me to tell the nurses about God. Hopefully ah'd have enough God about me to tell the nurses about God."

Gary I think if you were sick enough to be in hospital your focus would probably be on breathing rather than talking. And you can't talk if you're intubated, just saying.

Also wtf does "have enough God about me" even mean?

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Sometimes I wonder if Gary sits, pretending to read his Bible, and has persecution fantasies. If so, I think his latest is about Nez having troops cart him away in handcuffs, then scalping him before setting him in the electric chair. Possibly some scourging or crucifixion first.

He certainly has an active fantasy life, especially for someone who accomplishes basically nothing in real life.

[AmazonGrace]

If they truly believed that lives matter they would not be so careless of Covid.

[thoughtful]

22 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

Bitter tea? Did it smell of almonds there Gary..?

Not from loving, adoring Becky! After all, I doubt that Gary has a hefty life insurance policy.

22 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

Now there's a mighty sacrifice for your religion. How did that enhance his faith, did they say? 

No - the gist of the story was that, "after they got in a Bible-believin' church," and before Daddy Danny started his own church, Danny was saying, on the way to church, that nothing the pastor would say that day could be a rebuke of his behavior, because he had given up anything sinful. And the pastor started raving  about Mountain Dew, which, sure enough, Danny still indulged in. But he gave it up after that, for Jesus.

9 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

If they truly believed that lives matter they would not be so careless of Covid.

I think the slogan Becky and Gary would embrace is "after-lives matter."

The video of the Sunday evening service at Cornerstone starts with all singing A Shelter in the Time of Storm. Prayers (Gary moans lightly), the ladies' quartet sings Calvary Covers it All, then all sing The Sweet Bye and Bye. Announcements, then a special - a man singing Search Me, O Lord. Or is it Search Me, O Lord?

Gary's turn. He thanks them for all of the free stuff, tells them to take prayer cards, and asks for prayers (complains, really) for his long upcoming drive, and how he'll have to pull over and get a hotel room at some point, because he will be so tired. Hint, hint.

He announces 1 Corinthians 1, and forgets to say what verse, but I find it. I should have waited a bit, because, a few sentences in, we hear Becky quietly say "18" - to Jacob, I assume.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+1%3A18-31&version=KJV

KJV: Where is the wise? where is the scribe? where is the disputer of this world? hath not God made foolish the wisdom of this world?
BFV: Where is the wahhs, where is the scrahbs, where is the distiputes of this world. hath not God made foolishness - foolish the wisdom of this world?

KJV: it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe.
BGV: it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe now when it's talkin' 'bout foolishness of preachin' it's not talkin' 'bout foolish preachin' amen?

Gary rambles about bad higher education and gossips about people he met years ago who believed they could lose their salvation and people with wrong beliefs on the Internet, like Steve Anderson.

Gary's theme is Who God Can Use.

God can use anyone, and he talks about the former biker who was "a long-haired hippie, prob'ly a drunk, an' an' a whore-hopper 'n' all the rest of the things that we coulda name of it," before he got saved and went on the road for God.

Spoiler

In some of his riff about how hard it was to decide to go on the road with 7 children, Gary says it's expensive to go out to eat, and worries how much more expensive it will be "when they git to fifteen dollars an hour."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+samuel+17%3A50-52&version=KJV

KJV: Therefore David ran, and stood upon the Philistine, and took his sword, and drew it out of the sheath thereof, and slew him, and cut off his head therewith. And when the Philistines saw their champion was dead, they fled.
BGV: Therefore David ran, and stood upon the  - PhLISTine, and took his sword, and - and - drew it out of the sheath thereof, and slew him, and cut it off. Therewith and there the PhLISTines saw their champion. Was dead and fled.

Cut what off, Gary?

Gary screams about God using David even though he had done bad things, and how everyone is needed, young people need to step up, and how hard Gary's life is.

Gary announces the next reading, gets through most of a verse, then freezes for a long silence, mumbles, says "OK, never mind," (Becky reads a few words to him), then goes on.

I think he meant to start with the next verse.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=exodus+4%3A9-11&version=KJV

KJV: And Moses said unto the Lord, O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue.
BGV: And Moses said unto the Lord, O my Lord, I am an eloquent, neither there to, nor since thou spoken unto my servant: but I am slow of speech, and of slow tongue.

Gary does his bit about how he actually doesn't like speaking in front of a crowd, he was "playing church" before he was saved, he's a hillbilly without the "hah-dollar education."

And again, he mentions preaching to "the president of the Navajo. There's no tellin' how many - how many - doctor's degrees that guy's got. But you know what, ah didn't go in there 'n' tell him what Gary thought. Ah went in there and told him what Jesus said."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Kings+3%3A9-11&version=KJV

Lots of errors.

"Now you look at Solomon, you know Solomon sold his life out to women."

He yells some anti-government, anti-shutdown stuff, shaming people who watch his Facebook when he says they are perfectly capable of going to church, then we get some defensive screaming about the fact that he uses Facebook to preach.

He also screams about young people needing to make sure they find "the right one," and that God will make sure they know which is the husband or wife for them. Gary knows because God did it for him (making sure to put in a stab at how Becky makes him mad, of course).

Of course, he fails to mention that it took God a couple of tries to get it right, and goes on to his bit about how divorce hurts children.

He announces Hebrews 11:11, starts reading it, realizes he's wrong, then says it's 31, not 11. Um, chapter or verse, Gary? I have to figure that out on my own.

KJV:  By faith the harlot Rahab perished not with them that believed not, when she had received the spies with peace.
BGV:  Bah faith the harlot rehab - Rayhab perished not with them that believed not, when she had received the spah - the spahs with peace.

I love that he pronounced Rahab as "rehab." Maybe something got lost in translation, and Rahab was actually working as a physical therapist, or in addiction counseling.

While expounding on the fact that God could use "a harlot" for good, Gary reminds us "there's thangs that ladies kin do, that men cain't do." He points to a woman in the congregation. "Ah guess you're the one brought all them goodies, right? Be your fault ah'm fat, amen."

Everyone laughs heartily.

Gary then says that most of what she brought was actually stuff he could eat, he just hates it. He despises apples, but ate two of them. I think this is supposed to teasing, but who knows.

"And any other lady that's in here, whatever you done - hey, the nursery is very important." He thanks God he doesn't have to deal with it.

But he reminds them women had better not preach, with the obligatory crap about how Becky would be a better preacher than he is, so it's a good thing she's not allowed, because he'd never get any invitations to preach.

Now, lest you bunch of heathen feminists think Gary only appreciates women for child care and food, he makes sure we know that he's grateful to Becky for the newsletter and writing thank-you notes.

But then he gets back to the cooking.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+9%3A15-16&version=KJV

God using Paul, formerly Saul, gets Gary into his rant about how young preachers today want a full-time position with a parsonage and good pay, and won't work a job.

People ask Gary what he charges for a meeting, and he jokes that he never knew he could charge, and sadly intones "You'd be surprahsed bah how many people charge." He says his answer is: "If Gawd allows you to give us a love offering, hallelujah, if not, He'll take keer of us."

?

He screams about how he could work, or have his wife working, and make good money, but he's not in it for the money.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+2%3A14&version=KJV

Peter "had a whuppin'" for denying Jesus, but God still used him.

He tells a story that has to be really old, about seven people getting saved at some event at which he preached - of course, it's full of faux modesty about how it was just God using him.

"If you'll look in that - ah cain't say the word, it sound lahk ah'm cussin', but it's in the back of the newspaper, 'n' ah call it the dead man section."

Gary is afraid of the word obituary.

Make sure you're saved.

Edited March 30, 2021 by thoughtful
riffle

[thoughtful]

Gary is thankful for what the is doing ik these days.

Spoiler

Gary is celebrating his freedom, because he's been so oppressed. Does anyone have a picture of Harriet Tubman rolling her eyes?

Spoiler

Gary, I ask many questions about what makes you so obnoxious, arrogant, and overflowing with gall. So far, Jesus has not answered.

Spoiler

Becky posted. I think Gary's spelling issues (as opposed to his "issue of blood") may be contagious:

Spoiler

Also:

Spoiler

 

[Bluebirdbluebell]

Why did Caleb need surgery? 

Most of these fundies have persecution fantasies.

[AmazonGrace]

Wow that was one passive aggressive martyr mama... "Wait a minute,  you grew up and you had an independent thought? You ungrateful wretch! but I'm still going to the one who loves you the most and one day you will be sorry you treated me like crap"

[thoughtful]

On 3/30/2021 at 2:50 AM, Bluebirdbluebell said:

Why did Caleb need surgery?

Unless someone found something I didn't, I don't think we know.

The only physical issue I know of with Caleb is that his arm was in a sling in the pictures at the Christmas displays, and he just said he hurt it when someone asked.

As with his mother, Gary seems quite content to be miles away and let someone else handle everything his son needs. He's happily preaching and getting treated to free housing and food, with the perfect excuse (in his mind) for not giving rides to and from the hospital, comforting the patient and other family members, cleaning up gross stuff, worrying, keeping track of meds, consulting with doctors and nurses, and all of the other real responsibility that goes with loving someone who is having surgery.

No - Gary is saving other folk's family from Hell.

Maybe.

If they listen to him and get saved.

If Hell exists.

Gary and Becky and Jacob made it to Ennis.

Spoiler

Becky posted:

Spoiler

This may seem pretty benign and mainstream, for Becky and Gary, but this is one of the things that troubles me about people who insist we all need to be "saved."

Someone who believes that Jesus was sacrificed for our sins, and that non-believers don't care, can get progressively angrier at what they perceive as our ingratitude. I've had that anger directed at me, and it's pretty clear that Gary feels it. If Becky does, she hides it better, but she may, as well.

I'm not an ingrate. I am deeply grateful to people who made real sacrifices that helped me, or helped humanity. In fact, my Mom and I joke about the fact that we're both so easily pleased by the simplest things. I'm one of those "Oooooh, someone sharpened the pencils - I must thank them!" people.

I just don't believe in anything supernatural, which means I don't believe there is a god who re-fashioned himself as a human/had a son who was gruesomely sacrificed to save a soul I don't think I have from a Hell I don't think exists.

 

[AmazonGrace]

I feel like people who thank God and Jesus for everything may sometimes be less grateful for the things people do to help them, because, you know, blessings, the good Lord provides, prayers answered, Deuteronomy 28 etc., It's not that other people were so generous, rather it's just the receiver's due for being such an awesome godly person.

[3splenty]

As a believer, I see it as, God led someone to help me, and since that person helped me, they deserve to be thanked.

I got to train the new nurse and some people don't like her (because she's new and has a different background than most of them so its like instant judgement).  I made her a positive affirmation box with positive things I've heard about her (coworkers or patients) and things that I've seen.  I bought her favorite mini candy bars, typed out the comments, and taped them around the candy bars.  I know how it feels to be the oddball and people can be jerks.  My new coworker is learning and she needs to see that we see the greatness in her, even when she doesn't.  She thanked me.

You can't scream your faith.  You live it.  Gary, try giving back to your hosting churches in some way (no sermons allowed).  Help fix something for them.  Help a congregant who needs a hand.  You are no better than anyone else.  You look down on those who aren't just like you, even though Jesus ate with prostitutes and tax collectors.  Try living your faith, Gary.  Or are you afraid to put words into action?

[postscript]

I don’t normally watch his videos - my mental health is fragile enough without adding his bigotry and negativity. However, the other day I happened on his Facebook feed while he was live, and watched a couple of minutes with the sound off. He is a very . . .animated speaker, isn’t he? His bouncing around in front of the lectern took me by surprise. I’m used to mainstream Protestant pastors who speak for 20 minutes but do it while confined to a pulpit. Is the constant movement common among fundamentalist preachers? Is it supposed to make his message more entertaining? 

it just occurred to me that he’s constantly telling people they should be in church, and not Zoom or socially distanced church, but he streams his performances. Who does he expect to watch them if his audience is supposed to be in church? 

[thoughtful]

7 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

I feel like people who thank God and Jesus for everything may sometimes be less grateful for the things people do to help them, because, you know, blessings, the good Lord provides, prayers answered, Deuteronomy 28 etc., It's not that other people were so generous, rather it's just the receiver's due for being such an awesome godly person.

I agree that some are. Others seem able to blend the two.

6 hours ago, 3splenty said:

As a believer, I see it as, God led someone to help me, and since that person helped me, they deserve to be thanked.

And that's a great example of being able to blend the two.

But my mentioning that I am generally a person who is quick to appreciate what other humans do was something I said only to point out that I'm not an ingrate by nature. I think "wow, what a nice thing to do" about even little gestures and people meeting everyday responsibilities (the silver lining in a past filled with bad roommates!), and would be moved hugely by your kindness if I was your coworker, @3splenty.

My point was more about how the belief that all of the supernatural things are true, and were done to save everyone, can lead to anger against nonbelievers. I suspect that being puzzled, disgusted and even enraged by us feels pretty logical to a lot of believers, even though it is not.

Fundies of Gary's ilk focus on the tortures and crucifixion and blood all year - every freakin' minute, it seems! More mainstream Christians are doing it this week.

Dwelling on someone they consider to be God's son/an aspect of God and a gentle and giving teacher, going through such horrors, and believing that it was done to save us from eternal torment, is very likely to lead to all kinds of negative feelings towards those of us for whom the whole story is moot.

Picture a real-life scenario in which a neighbor's house caught on fire, and I called the fire department, then watched as firefighters saved her (getting hurt themselves in the process), and prevented the fire from reaching the rest of the neighborhood, saving me and others. Imagine EMTs resuscitated her, a team of doctors and nurses cared for her well in the hospital, and her family came to her house for weeks to help her. I would know that everyone involved deserved gratitude.

If she dismissed us all as nonexistent, and claimed the fire never happened, that would seem bizarre, as well as cold and ungrateful. I think it would be difficult not to be put off by her attitude. Depending on our personalities and how invested we were in the process, all of the helpers, and neighbors who heard the story, might react with anything from puzzlement to concern about her mental health to rage.

I know many believers see me, and others who simply don't believe, as that ungrateful fire victim. If they really believe that Jesus suffered so horribly for me, and perceive me as brushing off such a huge sacrifice that they consider fact, negative feelings can fester.

 

[thoughtful]

59 minutes ago, postscript said:

Is the constant movement common among fundamentalist preachers?

Yes - it's part of a lot of fundamentalist, Pentecostal and evangelical Protestant traditions.

To me, it makes it even more obvious that it's all a show, but the movement, plus the extremes in pace and volume of speech, and lots of chant-like repetition, seems to get a lot of people roused up.

1 hour ago, postscript said:

it just occurred to me that he’s constantly telling people they should be in church, and not Zoom or socially distanced church, but he streams his performances. Who does he expect to watch them if his audience is supposed to be in church? 

He proudly says he was using Facebook long before the pandemic. I think he expects some people to go to their own church, and then watch a service at which he preached. He watches and listens to other preachers all the time.

He has recently been using the excuse of "a lady in Maine" (not to be confused with Lady of Spain!) who can't get to a church as the reason he started doing videos of his preaching.

Now and then he mentions that there are a few people who have to watch online for one reason or another (avoiding the pandemic is still not one of them, although he seems more careful not to say it when he's in a church that is being more careful of everyone's health).

He seems to think he is being very logical in his distinctions between who is permitted to stay home, and who must physically come to church.

For a while, at the beginning of the pandemic, he dismissed the "it's the people who make up a church, not the building" argument he got from some. He'd rant something like "If the church house isn't important, go ahead and burn it down?" By which I think he meant "you know you wouldn't do that, so it's clear that you care about the building" but it's hard to tell.

He now says he knows it's the people, not the building but isn't it nice to have a building and not be out in the cold/heat.

And, throughout, he has quoted Hebrews 10:25:

Quote

 Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.

In other words, there is no logic or consistency - this is Gary we're talking about! ?

[thoughtful]

Wednesday evening service at Blessed Hope Baptist Church in Alvaredo TX begins with all singing I Know That My Redeemer Liveth, then Jesus Loves Even Me.

Seemingly spontaneous discussion of the crucifixion ensues - it's another bare, echoing church, so I have some trouble catching what's being said.

They sing The Great Physician. The pastor intones about every knee bowing to Jesus, every tongue confessing that Jesus is Lord, at the great white throne. But it will be too late: "They'll know exactly who's placin' 'em in Hell - Jesus Christ, that sweetest name, the blessed name of Jesus."

Gary, of course, is yelling happy responses.

Then I think I hear the pastor say "thank God for a good carpet," and assume I must be mis-hearing due to the echo.

Nope - that's what he said, they are getting new carpet, because God was good to them, and he thinks it "matches the chairs pretty good."

Well, he's got a clear concept of God's work:

Spoiler

They discuss whether the carpet has a tinge of green or purple or something else,  and, when he tells them that they are getting it "on layaway," there are shouts of joy. Then he goes on to talk about the measurements of the room.

I have no idea if there is a carpet sample there in the room they are looking at, but the carpet discussion goes on for a while. A man says that someone asked him why they were getting new carpet if you think Jesus is coming back? I can't quite catch his answer - something about wanting Jesus to know God was moving forward.

The pastor jokes about his father telling him and his brother they would have no inheritance, because he was planning to spend all of his money (big laugh). "That's the way I want to be with the anti-Christ - I don't want to leave him nothin'."

The pastor murmurs on about somebody he met (through the carpet purchase) who may be coming to church, and praying for the Sunday service because " . . . what a day. . . what a day . . . what a day . . .the day the Lord made . . .  resurrection  . . . .resurrection  . . . there never been another day like that day . . . .resurrection  . . . one of a kahnd."

I'm afraid he's going to fall asleep and fall off of the podium, but he perks up a bit, and gets some yelling and testifyin' from the group about how they can't lose their salvation.

There are some very fake-sounding Texas geezer laughs and ways of yelling in this group. It's like a Gabby Hayes impression competition. And, as with Mel Brooks' take on Hayes, with  the "frontier gibberish" in Blazing Saddles, I can't understand some of it.

He talks about Gary, teases him, tells them that he helped them move chairs around, and that he was supposed to be somewhere else, but that got cancelled, so he came to them. He says Gary "works like a slave at camp meetin', he's always back there cookin' 'n' washin' 'n' . . . "
Becky: "Carrying pots."
Pastor: "Tryin' to direct the women. 'At's like my brother Jonathan says, that's like herdin' cats."

This gets a huge laugh, including from the women.

He mumbles on about Gary's tent, then finally gets Gary up there to preach. This is 23 minutes into a 53 minute video.

Gary makes a joke about Easter bunnies having it rough, with "all them eggs."

He also makes sure we know that God got us through three months of 2021, and that he's glad to be in Texas, and complains about the gas prices in New Mexico.

He tells them the governments on the reservation are "skeered ta death of this stuff an' ah understand, it has got the Indians a whole lot worse this year, a mean this past year  . . .uh . . . for the different collar, ah don't understand all of it, but they have had it pretty rough, ah mean it's been a lot of . . .a lot of 'em dahd, and, uh . . . ever'thing, but we been out there havin' church, we ain't supposed to, and been out there knockin' on doors, wasn't supposed to, ah preached to the president of the Navajo Nations and ah even told him ah said ah'm prob'ly enjoyin' it, if it's illegal ah'm gonna get in trouble for white people ah might as well get in trouble for Indians too."

In case you missed the subject switch due the total lack of segue, the "stuff" is Covid.

But God did some great things.

Some information about two mysteries comes up - it seems the death of the truck, Caleb's injury, and his recent surgery were in fact, connected. Again, Gary implies that the whole thing was his own fault. It's still not clear, but here's what I think Gary said:

"Y'all pray for Caleb - he, uh, whenever ah did what ah done to the truck, up yonder,  last year, he had to end up having surgery, but ah think all's well, the doctor said everything went good, and he's just gotta heal. Just pray that he'll use his raht mahnd and let his body heal and so he'll use his arm, he's got six weeks inta that sling and all that kinda mess. Ah been there, so ah know how he feels when ya cain't do nothin' - ya gotta be waited on hand and foot amen."

I leave the commenting about the end of that statement to all of you - cut loose!

We are 27 minutes into this service, and finally get a reading from the Bible.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+corinthians+12%3A1-10&version=KJV

Lots of errors, of which these are the most wtf:

KJV: Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
BGV: Therefore I take pleasure in the infirmaries, in the reproach, in the necessaries, in the securtions, in distress for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

His "in the necessaries" reminded me of a scene in the musical 1776. Stephen Hopkins of Rhode Island is portrayed swigging rum throughout the film. At one point, when he is missing from Congress, we get this exchange:

Quote

Charles Thomson: [calling for a vote] Where's Rhode Island?

Andrew McNair: Rhode Island's out visiting the necessary.

John Hancock: Well, after what Rhode Island has consumed, I can't say I'm surprised. We'll come back to him, Mr. Thompson.

Charles Thomson: Rhode Island passes. [Roar of laughter from the Congress]

"He said there were unspeakable thaings . . .  that He couldn't speak of."

We're soon out of here, etc. Gary tells them about his friend who died. "Ah lost one mah prayer warriors." He's also a little bit "jallous" of him, because he's in Heaven now.

Gary's Theme is The Reality of Heaven.

As he gets louder and louder, a child starts screaming, and screams or babbles intermittently throughout the message, so I miss a lot.

Like Paul, Gary has a thorn in his flesh - "mahn's durin' camp meetin' - ah have to put up with all these women amen."

This gets huge Gabby Hayes geezer laughs. I bet knees were slapped, but we can't see it. Gary looks so pleased with the response to his rapier wit:

Spoiler

Gary screams about Heaven being real for a while.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+john+3%3A2&version=KJV

Gary screams about seeing Jesus.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+20%3A10&version=KJV

Gary screams about the devil.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+3%3A5&version=KJV

Gary shouts about the new body he will get in Heaven, which will be just like Jesus, never get fat, and never have to take clothes to the "laundrymat." He complains about the huge amount of dirt of his van from New Mexico. In Heaven he won't have to take a shower, and he veers off into talking about how teenagers never want to shower - he says Jacob "ain't too bad" but some of his other kids have been.

He tells the story about being mad at Becky for waking him up when he stopped breathing - he now says that used to happen before he lost weight.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+thessalonians+4%3A13-17&version=KJV

Gary does his bit about the dead rising first, hating reunions but the one in Heaven will be better and how good the supper that "the Lord gon' cook" will be.

He escalates his nasty scalping joke even further than the two previous versions. "Jacob would get out there hangin' 'round them Indians out there, ah told him today ah said you know what, Indians are a whole lot worse than us white people - ah ain't never seen a white man ever scalp a Indian before."

How he got from Heaven to that, I have no idea.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+timothy+4%3A8&version=KJV

Gary talks about the vehicles he has been given, even though some of them weren't so great. He tells them how he "bombarded" the Vegas hotel with tracts and rhapsodizes about the mansion he will have in Heaven.

He jokes about how the rapture would save him from having to drive all the way back to North Carolina, or "ah could just dah and Becky'd have to drahve me all the way back, ain't that be somethin', _________ (?) a dead man, amen."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+21%3A4&version=KJV

"Another preacher friend o' mine - if ah tell ya his name you'd know who 'zacly - who ah was talkin' about."

Yeah, that's generally how that works, Gary.

The rich man is cast into the lake of fahr, lifting his eyes in torment, be sure you're saved.

[PumaLover]

OK folks, I just want to thank y'all for keeping me entertained while I waited in the vet's parking lot while my cat had testing done today. I've fallen behind on Bro (damn JillRod is almost a full time job). The highlight was the "Take it Easy" remake, which is my most favorite Eagles song (because I love AZ so much).

Did anyone else cringe when he referred to the Navajo people as "the Indians?" Every time I read that it did something to me, especially since I am a white person living on former Native* land. Can any FJers enlighten me? Is "Indians" an offensive term? I haven't been in school for a long, long time but thought it was. 

My daughter has been accepted by the *Natives and has made friends, and she's told me they prefer to be called Native/s, so that's what I call them. Many of the locals I've met and interacted with are very friendly. 

[Bluebirdbluebell]

16 minutes ago, PumaLover said:

OK folks, I just want to thank y'all for keeping me entertained while I waited in the vet's parking lot while my cat had testing done today. I've fallen behind on Bro (damn JillRod is almost a full time job). The highlight was the "Take it Easy" remake, which is my most favorite Eagles song (because I love AZ so much).

Did anyone else cringe when he referred to the Navajo people as "the Indians?" Every time I read that it did something to me, especially since I am a white person living on former Native* land. Can any FJers enlighten me? Is "Indians" an offensive term? I haven't been in school for a long, long time but thought it was. 

My daughter has been accepted by the *Natives and has made friends, and she's told me they prefer to be called Native/s, so that's what I call them. Many of the locals I've met and interacted with are very friendly. 

As far as I know, some American Indians like the term Indians/American Indians. Some may prefer Natives/Native American. It's kind of like Black and African American. Some black people prefer African American and some black people prefer to be referred to as black people.

Just ask people how they would like to be referred to, and go by that. 

[AmazonGrace]

Spoiler

They sing The Great Physician. The pastor intones about every knee bowing to Jesus, every tongue confessing that Jesus is Lord, at the great white throne. But it will be too late: "They'll know exactly who's placin' 'em in Hell - Jesus Christ, that sweetest name, the blessed name of Jesus."

The reason they  love Jesus is because he's gonna torture people in hell?

Quote

Gary talks about the vehicles he has been given, even though some of them weren't so great. He tells them how he "bombarded" the Vegas hotel with tracts and rhapsodizes about the mansion he will have in Heaven.

God gives Gary crappy cars? why?

[Dana723]

7 hours ago, thoughtful said:

And, as with Mel Brooks' take on Hayes, with  the "frontier gibberish" in Blazing Saddles, I can't understand some of it.

That's just hilarious!

[thoughtful]

3 hours ago, Dana723 said:

That's just hilarious!

Everyone in the town has the last name Johnson. The rest are all based on a famous Johnson (you should forgive the expression ? ), but that character is Gabby Johnson - clearly an homage to Hayes.  I found the whole scene:

I haven't watched the whole thing in a long time, but, if I remember correctly, there are some things in the film that we've outgrown and most of us would now consider offensive.

But, if you dismiss that (or forgive Mel because he's mostly mocking obnoxious people and conventional Hollywood film making of past decades, not good people), there is a lot in it that is funny.

And one thing I remember about it that would still ring true is the way it rips racist shitheads to shreds.

 

[Ozlsn]

14 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

God gives Gary crappy cars? why?

I keep saying - it's a Sign. If they break down often enough Gary will stay in one place.

[Xan]

17 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

I keep saying - it's a Sign. If they break down often enough Gary will stay in one place.

I think you've identified the problem.  God does keep sending Gary signs.  It's just that Gary is bad at interpreting them.  Cars break down.  The trailer tire went flat.  The wonderful truck got wrecked.  God wants Gary off the road but Gary just doesn't get the message.  I think a lightning bolt to that tent might be helpful.

[thoughtful]

5 hours ago, Xan said:

I think you've identified the problem.  God does keep sending Gary signs.  It's just that Gary is bad at interpreting them.  Cars break down.  The trailer tire went flat.  The wonderful truck got wrecked.  God wants Gary off the road but Gary just doesn't get the message.  I think a lightning bolt to that tent might be helpful.

I doubt that even that would dissuade him.

Look - good spelling! Must have been Gary's idea of an April Fool's Day joke!

Spoiler

And, Gary's back to his usual spelling errors. Makes for a rather horrifying image.

Spoiler

He just can't seem to go a day without lecturing.

Spoiler