Bontrager/Bowers 8: Cringeworthy

[ElizaB]

I actually think Mitch and Brynn are the most "normal" couple. I think there dating story could almost be a non-fundie one. Get asked on a date after graduating college, go because you don't have anything better to do, end up falling for the guy eventually but not at first. This seems like a fairly organic way to meet someone and almost like a normal couple. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

I think my eyes just rolled out of my head. How are my husband and I still married after 11 years of not following any of Allison’s advice? My husband is not what she considers manly and I don’t dress feminine. We aren’t Christians and we most definitely didn’t save ourselves for marriage. Yet here we are! Married much longer than Allison, with kids, and we are a happy family. She’s pathetically narrow minded. It’s sad as hell. 

Edited April 15, 2021 by JermajestyDuggar

[HereticHick]

Threat title nomination:  Walking with the firm step of a manly man!!!!!

 

 

 this reads like Mrs. Helferich is yet again trying to convince herself that her husband is adequate.  He's not as polished as she'd like him to be. He doesn't like to dress up. He's not as extroverted as she is. He's not as demonstrative, etc.  BUT ITS OK BECAUSE HES MANLY

Edited April 15, 2021 by HereticHick
more thoughts (and prayers!)

[fundiefan]

Allison needs to hang it up. Seriously. How long is she going to harp on finding the perfect manly man in a world of losers? 

Until she believes herself? 

It's reached pathetic. Seriously. If I were a follower, I'd be getting beyond irritated. 

[postscript]

Yeah, eyes rolling here, too. Nearly everything she describes is very superficial. I’ve known my share of men who opened doors for women and were still total pricks. I’ve also known men who rejected the whole “man pays” attitude and were sweethearts (plus a few who were also pricks, but that’s another story). When I was first dating in college, I bought into the man pays thing, mainly because it was cheaper for me. Once I started making my own money, I preferred to pay my own way.

Can I say I really hate that she includes “Mrs.” in her handle? She can call herself whatever she wants, of course. But including it as part of her online name signals she’s defining herself solely as an appendage to her husband. Which, of course, is exactly how she sees herself. But she strikes me as an intelligent and outgoing person, with lots more to offer than merely being a wife. 

[HereticHick]

20 minutes ago, postscript said:

Yeah, eyes rolling here, too. Nearly everything she describes is very superficial. I’ve known my share of men who opened doors for women and were still total pricks.

Yes to this. I've known guys who become total jerks BECAUSE I didn't swoon enough over their chivalry.  At worst, they can believe you are a "total bitch" because you didn't "reward" their door opening/drink buying/flower sending etc.

[Aithuia]

1 hour ago, fundiefan said:

How long is she going to harp on finding the perfect manly man in a world of losers? 

And how can manly men still be so rare when all the young men she knows go to Josh's Mighty Men camp?

(I, too, am rolling my eyes out of my head at all of this)

[Melissa1977]

Hate to say this (I don't want to sound sexist), but she should be focusing in the baby. It's like she makes an idol of marriage and manliness but pregnancy lacks of importance. She's weird even for a fundie.

[JermajestyDuggar]

5 minutes ago, Melissa1977 said:

Hate to say this (I don't want to sound sexist), but she should be focusing in the baby. It's like she makes an idol of marriage and manliness but pregnancy lacks of importance. She's weird even for a fundie.

I imagine she will become obsessive about being both the perfect wife AND mother once the baby is here. Until then, she seems she will be all about being a wife. I feel sorry for perfections like Allison. Disappointment is common.

[Melissa1977]

4 minutes ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

I imagine she will become obsessive about being both the perfect wife AND mother once the baby is here. Until then, she seems she will be all about being a wife. I feel sorry for perfections like Allison. Disappointment is common.

I'm afraid she will be like Erika Shupe, always putting marriage first and ignoring the kids on purpose, for them to learn they are secondary.

[JermajestyDuggar]

2 minutes ago, Melissa1977 said:

I'm afraid she will be like Erika Shupe, always putting marriage first and ignoring the kids on purpose, for them to learn they are secondary.

I feel like Becky was not an attached mother and I’m afraid Allison will be similar. I can see her being like Erika.

[browngrl]

Well. If Alison can pontificate, then so can I. So, here is MY advice: 

Don't marry a man (or woman) who divides work into "women's" work and "men's" work. Marry someone who treats work as work and does what needs to be done. Life is messy because shit happens. The burden of cleaning up is easier if both partners share the load.

[JermajestyDuggar]

21 minutes ago, browngrl said:

Well. If Alison can pontificate, then so can I. So, here is MY advice: 

Don't marry a man (or woman) who divides work into "women's" work and "men's" work. Marry someone who treats work as work and does what needs to be done. Life is messy because shit happens. The burden of cleaning up is easier if both partners share the load.

My advice is DON’T save your first kiss for marriage. DON’T place real men and real women in tiny boxes that you’ve decided are correct and will only fit .0001% of the population. DON’T give marriage advice when you’ve been married less than a year. 

[Bluebirdbluebell]

That is a terrible post. It's smug, arrogant, and condescending towards single woman.

And yet it makes her sound unhappy. She has zero examples of her husband doing anything for her. She says a real man does these things, and I guess she's implying Jeremiah does these things for her. 

She seems like one of those girls who wanted a real man, even if that meant they have nothing in common. Of course, they have Jesus in common and that's all you need. 

As a single person, shut up Allison and enough with the "advice."

 

[Dominionatrix]

I found the line criticizing the “swagger of a man-sized boy trying to get attention” interesting because it so aptly describes her brothers and so many of their manly man-boy peers. 

Edited April 16, 2021 by Dominionatrix

[fundiefan]

We knew she'd be smug & insufferable after marriage. 

I was wrong, though, in thinking her smugness would involve being a perfect little wife in a perfect little marriage with perfect little babies. 

She can't seem to move on from being a smug, insufferable wanna' be wife who knows everything after all her years as a single. 

[Caroline]

To me Allison just seems childish, sheltered and insecure. She would have benefitted in so many ways if she'd been able to go to college (or anywhere) and get out of Bontville for a few years.  She would have discovered that men come in all varieties and that men and women are and should all be different.   Allison's manly man? No thanks, never.  So sad that she doesn't and will likely never understand that what works for one doesn't work for all.  I blame her parents for that lack of awareness.   My husband and I: married in our mid thirties after enjoying our single lives, getting good educations, and learning careers.  Twenty-six years later we're still happy and have raised a child successfully - all without the help of religion and the limiting and limited God the Bonts revere.  

[CaptainFunderpants]

Me thinks she got a dud and is very aware of it + instead of having a fairytale pregnancy has had a complete nightmare of one and without a sympathetic spouse to boot.

Jeremiah doesn't seem the type to baby his wife and even if Allison has HG, Becky definitely is the type of mom to tell her that it's not that bad and she's not devout enough, pregnancy is what she was put on earth for. While Chelsy is probably understanding, she likely has no context for an unsympathetic spouse and tells Allison to pray more for God to put it on Jeremiah's heart to be more caring.

I would feel sympathy, but all I really want is Praise to start a blog and "inadvertently" have it be diametrically opposed (as much as fundies can be) to Allison's blog.

[Javasome]

Won’t say anything. Cause I’ve already said it - but how much obvious evidence do you need? Lol. I can just picture Liz and Carver having a “Bible study” when they decide to take a picture but because that’s too awkward in the fundie world they had the two younger brothers get in it so they don’t arouse suspicion. Then Taylor. Which CLEARLY just fell out of the barn and was not part of any study. (eye roll). Could be wrong. Thoughts? 

[Ozlsn]

7 hours ago, Bluebirdbluebell said:

That is a terrible post. It's smug, arrogant, and condescending towards single woman.

And yet it makes her sound unhappy. She has zero examples of her husband doing anything for her. She says a real man does these things, and I guess she's implying Jeremiah does these things for her. 

I think she is unhappy - she has tried so hard to fit into the approved box, and yet she is not being rewarded with the wonderful marriage, spouse and pregnancy she was expecting. So she's doubling down to fit harder, and convince herself that she's actually loving her life - but the unhappiness still comes through even as she's trying to show everyone how wonderful her life now is.

6 hours ago, Caroline said:

To me Allison just seems childish, sheltered and insecure. She would have benefitted in so many ways if she'd been able to go to college (or anywhere) and get out of Bontville for a few years.

That too. I think with more experience and a broader pool she would likely have chosen a different path/spouse.

7 hours ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

My advice is DON’T save your first kiss for marriage. DON’T place real men and real women in tiny boxes that you’ve decided are correct and will only fit .0001% of the population. DON’T give marriage advice when you’ve been married less than a year. 

Agreed, to all of that! Also marriage doesn't have to be forever...

[SorenaJ]

Allison's post seemed a bit... ableist? There are men who wishes to work and contribute to the household, but are not able to, because they are disabled. They are still equally as real men. 

Are disabled men second rank (or even, fake?) because they can't pay for the meal or open the doors for women? 

[Melissa1977]

1 hour ago, SorenaJ said:

Allison's post seemed a bit... ableist? There are men who wishes to work and contribute to the household, but are not able to, because they are disabled. They are still equally as real men. 

Are disabled men second rank (or even, fake?) because they can't pay for the meal or open the doors for women? 

They are not real men for her. A fundie culture where men must provide, health care is a luxury and pensions are critizised because the "evil socialism"... it's obvious an ableist culture. 

This said, I don't think she meant that in the particular post. She has a idea of what a perfect husband is: a Gary Cooper who after riding his horse comes back home, wearing a no-stained, no-sweaty white shirt and passionately kisses his wife.

The problem is that she dreamed Gary Cooper but got Jeremiah Helferich.

Edited April 16, 2021 by Melissa1977
Spelling

[LurkerOverThePond]

15 minutes ago, Melissa1977 said:

The problem is that she dreamed Gary Cooper but got Jeremiah Helferich.

This sentence wins the day! Rufus bless.

Jeremiah has always given me quite cold vibes, like a guy who prefers to spend time with his pals and comes home to his wife only for food and sex, no matter what she would want out of their relationship. He's allowed to rock and roll while she, as a mere woman, should stay put at her designated role as a helpmeet. Maybe he's not like that at all, maybe he's just very shy, introverted, and awkward in photos, and if that's the case I'm not blaming him - I'm your textbook introvert myself. But...He just gives uncaring vibes.

Edited April 16, 2021 by LurkerOverThePond

[fundiefan]

5 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

I think she is unhappy - she has tried so hard to fit into the approved box, and yet she is not being rewarded with the wonderful marriage, spouse and pregnancy she was expecting. So she's doubling down to fit harder, and convince herself that she's actually loving her life - but the unhappiness still comes through even as she's trying to show everyone how wonderful her life now is.

That too. I think with more experience and a broader pool she would likely have chosen a different path/spouse.

Agreed, to all of that! Also marriage doesn't have to be forever...

That's the thing though. She isn't saying jack sh*t about how happy her life is now. No experiences with her new husband, no exploring her new life, no waxing poetic about pregnancy and pending motherhood and nurseries. She has said exactly one thing about marriage since being married - that she's grateful she learned to be a hostess. 

Otherwise? Drawn out posts about her husband being a real man; a manly man. How perfectly godly it is being his wife. Quotes about what marriage is. Not her experiences of being married, quotes from others of what it is/should be. 

She is in no way obligated to tell the world about her marriage. But for someone like Allison, who spent years rambling about NOT being married and how perfect that is (because, god?) even though the world could see through her desperation - - she's still on that same track. She hasn't left the "god will find you a perfectly godly man if you wait" kick, with the added, not quite spoken "you poor single girls who aren't married yet". She uses a whole lot of flowery, religious inspired words and phrases to say absolutely nothing. 

Why is your marriage so great? Why is Jeremiah so clearly your perfect spouse? What doe he do that fits with what you do? What have you done together to learn that you are the ones for each other? 

She talks of what manly men do; what real men do; all in abstract ways. 

She says pretty much jack sh*t about her husband, their relationship, their marriage, their connection, the parenthood...

She is, in short, a walking religious quote machine with no substance. 

[nelliebelle1197]

On 4/13/2021 at 7:36 PM, Bluebirdbluebell said:

None of the Bontragers have married as teens. The youngest couple to marry ever was Joshua and Cassidy, and they both married at 20 years of age. 

I'm sure they're thinking about Liz getting married sooner than later, but I'm not sure whether she's old enough or not. 

I wouldn't be surprised if that was a purity ring from Marlin. 

I really want to use the green pukey guy vote on this but I cannot remember if it is neutral or counts as a downvote.

So I am going to just say “Gross yuck icky”.

 

 

Edited April 16, 2021 by nelliebelle1197
Formatting gone wild