Bontrager/Bowers 8: Cringeworthy

[Angelface]

I think that it must be quite difficult for Allison looking at her sister Chelsy’s obvious chemistry with John and then, most likely witnessing Praise and Denver falling in love and seeing their joy and happiness. We don’t know the state of Allison’s marriage but from photographs and various wedding videos there does not appear to be any real chemistry between her and Jeremiah. Maybe the pregnancy is difficult and she is not on top form but, my take on the situation is that married life has not lived up to her expectations. She and Jeremiah do not seem suited to each other, she doesn’t appear to have her own home that they can decorate and furnish to make it theirs, she seems to be detached from the pregnancy and isolated from her family. Perfectionist or not, she has been sold a dud and is trying to convince herself otherwise. Does not bode well for the future. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

When you date your perfect brothers for years, how can a husband ever live up to that?

[postscript]

5 hours ago, Angelface said:

I think that it must be quite difficult for Allison looking at her sister Chelsy’s obvious chemistry with John and then, most likely witnessing Praise and Denver falling in love and seeing their joy and happiness. We don’t know the state of Allison’s marriage but from photographs and various wedding videos there does not appear to be any real chemistry between her and Jeremiah. Maybe the pregnancy is difficult and she is not on top form but, my take on the situation is that married life has not lived up to her expectations. She and Jeremiah do not seem suited to each other, she doesn’t appear to have her own home that they can decorate and furnish to make it theirs, she seems to be detached from the pregnancy and isolated from her family. Perfectionist or not, she has been sold a dud and is trying to convince herself otherwise. Does not bode well for the future. 

I agree. She seems to have an idealistic view of marriage (and, I’m sure, motherhood), and whatever she’s going through now, it doesn’t measure up to that castle in the air she’s built for herself. Based on what we’ve seen, she and Jeremiah don’t seem to have the close companionship she craves. Admittedly, what we see is heavily curated, but she posts nothing about shared interests and activities, or how she’s supporting his work on the farm, or even how she interacts with her in-laws and new social circle. In the pictures she posts, she’s always gazing at him adoringly while he pulls away. As newlyweds, shouldn’t they be discovering things they like to do together? Most of the other young couples post themselves taking part in shared activities (hiking, biking, going for coffee, etc.). Instead, she posts vague platitudes about her manly man.

I’ve seen nothing from her to disprove my theory that the two fathers cooked up this match and told them to pray about each other. Allison was desperate to get married and they liked each other well enough, so the match was made. Even if this was a love match, it’s obviously been a difficult adjustment. 

 

[CaptainFunderpants]

10 minutes ago, postscript said:

*snip*

Allison was desperate to get married and they liked each other well enough, so the match was made. Even if this was a love match, it’s obviously been a difficult adjustment. 

 

There's no way it was a love match. And I question if they "liked each other well enough." Jeremiah wanted sex and Allison wanted a husband. The end.

It's also occurring to me now that we're yet to get their guest post of a "love" story on the Bont blog. Prepare yourselves for one worse than Carson/Lina, and that one is awkward. 

 

[Foudeb]

I know she sounds smug but of all the fundies out there, Alison is the one I want to hug. And tell her she'll be OK. 

Her BFF chelsy is far away and busy with her own life. The rest of her family is also far away and probably not too concerned about her well-being. She hasn't had time to make new friends, the pregnancy happened straight away. No home of her own, and living in someone else's home is never ideal. She had been dreaming of a perfect Prince charming for years and years, and the reality is not the fairy tale she'd envisioned. 

And she can't lose face. She has been brainwashed into always having a joyful countenance as a ministry or some such tosh. 

I want to tell her - deep breaths. She is a clever woman. She can support herself and a child. Divorce is always an option. She's strong. She will get through all this even stronger. Hang on in there. 

 

[Bluebirdbluebell]

8 hours ago, nelliebelle1197 said:

I really want to use the green pukey guy vote on this but I cannot remember if it is neutral or counts as a downvote.

So I am going to just say “Gross yuck icky”.

So yes purity rings are gross, especially as a gift from dad. They were more popular (I think) in the mid 2000s. Most of the people I know didn't have one, but this family I know did it. They were Catholics and their father gave them purity rings round the time they started high school. It's not a particularly Catholic tradition, generally I associate purity rings more with evangelicals. It wouldn't surprise me if Marlin and other fundies were still giving out purity rings.

[ElizaB]

I think Alison may also be bored and unfulfilled. In her single life she was kept fairly busy. She managed the inn and organized a lot of things for their tours. I believe the farm was a lot of work and she also did a lot of cooking for her family. She also spent a lot of time on tour; which I imagine was very busy. Now she has to keep a house clean and cook for one other person. That's it. I imagine going from being very busy to what she is now is fairly depressing. 

[MomJeans]

I agree with everything that has been said, but wanted to add: 

Doesn't it feel like Allison's endless droning on and on about the scarcity of real men, and how good Christian girls need to hold out for one, etc. - seem like an intentional slap against someone?  Like Allison's first love didn't wear flannel and play in the dirt, and she is convincing herself and everyone that knew about him that he wasn't actually good enough for her after all.

(That, or maybe we are all being dragged into some sort of social media foreplay from Allison to her husband. Maybe being called a manly man is Jeremiah's thing.).

At the end of the day, if manly men don't change diapers or help clean around the house, Allison is about to learn the hard way that sensitive men make much better husbands when you don't yet have a bushel of sister moms to depend on. 

Edited April 17, 2021 by MomJeans

[Melissa1977]

4 hours ago, MomJeans said:

That, or maybe we are all being dragged into some sort of social media foreplay from Allison to her husband. Maybe being called a manly man is Jeremiah's thing.).

The manly men thing is very Bontrager. Years ago Allison posted how manly her brothers were. All.the.time. Fundies are sexist, but Bontragers are over the top.

[LurkerOverThePond]

19 hours ago, Angelface said:

...she seems to be detached from the pregnancy...

This I find very strange (if that is the case, of course). If she is unhappy and disillusioned in her perfect marriage, then you would think she'd be pouring all her unrecruited love and enthusiasm into her pregnancy and baby. But, at least publicly, she does seem detached and not interested in her upcoming motherhood.

[JermajestyDuggar]

9 hours ago, MomJeans said:

I agree with everything that has been said, but wanted to add: 

Doesn't it feel like Allison's endless droning on and on about the scarcity of real men, and how good Christian girls need to hold out for one, etc. - seem like an intentional slap against someone?  Like Allison's first love didn't wear flannel and play in the dirt, and she is convincing herself and everyone that knew about him that he wasn't actually good enough for her after all.

(That, or maybe we are all being dragged into some sort of social media foreplay from Allison to her husband. Maybe being called a manly man is Jeremiah's thing.).

At the end of the day, if manly men don't change diapers or help clean around the house, Allison is about to learn the hard way that sensitive men make much better husbands when you don't yet have a bushel of sister moms to depend on. 

It’s strange because her BFF sister’s husband isn’t that manly when looking at her definition. I don’t think John is feminine but he doesn’t seem like he’s even remotely similar to Jeremiah. It’s weird that she would go on like this when her BIL doesn’t fit her narrow view in manliness. 

[fundiefan]

Allison's brothers are not even remotely what I would consider to be "manly men" or "real men". They're all programmed bots who do what they're told and believe themselves better than anyone else because they have penises and worship their god. 

I think Allison is detached because her parents are detached. "Mother" Bontrager doesn't appear to have a motherly/loving bone in her body. And Marlin is all about pontificating and letting the world know what a great man he is. 

Like many, many fundies - it's all about appearances. Look how many babies we made! Look at how our family performs like monkeys together! Look how our family has a farm and a hotel! Look how our kids are each others best friends and our daughters properly worship the penises of the family! Look how our kids date each other until we find someone suitable for them to marry! Look how many our penis bearing offspring are - they hunt coyotes! They do pushups! They storm the nation's capitol! Look how godly we are - we don't need to care about others or make any sacrifices for the greater good because our god has given US very specific rights that no one can take away! (And our god has not give you those rights because you aren't good enough and your kids don't date each other and even have people they consider best friends who are not their siblings *vapors*).

There is no substance to Marlin or his bothersome wife and they're not given their offspring any substance either. 

Allison's obsession with manly men/real men/blah, blah, blah is a natural byproduct of her really f*cked up upbringing. And it does seem she is clinging to it for her very life. For whatever reason.

I have to admit, she makes me really freaking grateful for the imperfect, non-godly life I have lived and will continue to live. While far - far - from perfect or incandescently happy - my messy life is MINE and I will never have to (or choose to) pretend (to myself or anyone else) that the mess is some religious form of the bestest of the best ways to live!

 

[PlentyOfJesusFishInTheSea]

I'm still not very convinced Allison is unhappy. Maybe she's overcompensating with her "marriage is so great!!" posts, or maybe she really feels that way and just doesn't express it eloquently. Maybe she's disengaged from her pregnancy or maybe she's just not posting much because she's busy.

I find that a lot of people very confidently over-interpret pretty subtle social cues, especially online. (Statistically, humans actually aren't great at telling if others are sincere, even in person!)

[fundiefan]

52 minutes ago, PlentyOfJesusFishInTheSea said:

I'm still not very convinced Allison is unhappy. Maybe she's overcompensating with her "marriage is so great!!" posts, or maybe she really feels that way and just doesn't express it eloquently. Maybe she's disengaged from her pregnancy or maybe she's just not posting much because she's busy.

I find that a lot of people very confidently over-interpret pretty subtle social cues, especially online. (Statistically, humans actually aren't great at telling if others are sincere, even in person!)

I am not convinced she is either. But, I also don't believe she is living the fairy tale she was sold on. Not living the fairy tale/bill of goods you were sold doesn't mean unhappiness. But I'd bet anything it makes the natural adjustment to marriage & motherhood a hell of a lot harder than it needs to be. 

I so believe she is detached though- in away, she always has been. Her entire online presence has been about "doing the right thing" and following the right rules and making others (particularly the men in her life) happy. She's has used a lot of flowery language and a lot of religious speak to explain why doing so makes her happy, but it's still all just pre-packaged mumbo jumbo. 

To be honest, I don't thing anyone online has ever seen the real Allison. Not even Allison.

It's a running theme with females in ultra fundie families. I think it just seems more apparent with her because she was online outside the family sphere. Unlike, say, a Maxwell female or a Duggar one or any other sheltered girl who isn't allowed to interact with the world until she gets married. Those girls are kept entirely within the family fold while single, so when they do get married & get FB or IG or vlog or blog or whatever, it's the first anyone actually sees of them as a person, making decisions and acting separate from the family. 

[Lgirlrocks]

Most people who post on social media about their perfect lives don’t actually have them. 

[Maggie Mae]

7 minutes ago, Lgirlrocks said:

Most people who post on social media about their perfect lives don’t actually have them. 

Yeah, I've known more than a few people who are always posting photos of hikes they took, travel, pets, general happy small talk stuff. But then you run into them and find out that they are getting divorced or their mom died of covid or their kid has cancer. And to be honest, that makes so much more sense to me than the people who post everything that comes into their brain. 

[Caroline]

16 hours ago, ElizaB said:

I think Alison may also be bored and unfulfilled. In her single life she was kept fairly busy. She managed the inn and organized a lot of things for their tours. I believe the farm was a lot of work and she also did a lot of cooking for her family. She also spent a lot of time on tour; which I imagine was very busy. Now she has to keep a house clean and cook for one other person. That's it. I imagine going from being very busy to what she is now is fairly depressing. 

I completely agree with this.  She's too young to be living the life she has right now especially after having had a busy single life.  I've been working since the age of 15 and have had a demanding career filled with different people and challenges for the last 39 years in addition to  marriage and raising a child.  I'm looking forward to retiring in a few more years because I'm tired and want to relax and not be so busy.  But that is not a typical situation for a young person.   

[Melissa1977]

4 hours ago, PlentyOfJesusFishInTheSea said:

I'm still not very convinced Allison is unhappy. Maybe she's overcompensating with her "marriage is so great!!" posts, or maybe she really feels that way and just doesn't express it eloquently. Maybe she's disengaged from her pregnancy or maybe she's just not posting much because she's busy.

I find that a lot of people very confidently over-interpret pretty subtle social cues, especially online. (Statistically, humans actually aren't great at telling if others are sincere, even in person!)

She managed to sound happy whe she posted about her hotel manager job, really fulfilled. She also sounded happy when she posted about her siblings. Conversely, she never gave that vibe when wrote about her singleness. Of course, she may be a mediocre blogger who doesn't know how to describe her feelings, but it is suspictious that she expressed herself so passionate and focused about her job but her posts about marriage are so vague and cold.

[PlentyOfJesusFishInTheSea]

1 hour ago, Melissa1977 said:

She managed to sound happy whe she posted about her hotel manager job, really fulfilled. She also sounded happy when she posted about her siblings. Conversely, she never gave that vibe when wrote about her singleness. Of course, she may be a mediocre blogger who doesn't know how to describe her feelings, but it is suspictious that she expressed herself so passionate and focused about her job but her posts about marriage are so vague and cold.

I don't follow her blog well enough to know about I also think it's possible any shift in tone is attributable to something else.

[ElizaB]

13 hours ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

It’s strange because her BFF sister’s husband isn’t that manly when looking at her definition. I don’t think John is feminine but he doesn’t seem like he’s even remotely similar to Jeremiah. It’s weird that she would go on like this when her BIL doesn’t fit her narrow view in manliness. 

To be honest Alison's husband doesn't seem to be that "manly" either. I think she always wanted a manly man and is trying to convince herself that that is what she got. 

[ophelia]

20 hours ago, LurkerOverThePond said:

This I find very strange (if that is the case, of course). If she is unhappy and disillusioned in her perfect marriage, then you would think she'd be pouring all her unrecruited love and enthusiasm into her pregnancy and baby. But, at least publicly, she does seem detached and not interested in her upcoming motherhood.

Maybe she's not only unhappy in her marriage, but also in her pregnancy.
I've been dreaming and praying to one day get pregnant through all my years of being single. I glorified being pregnant. Now that I'm pregnant I'm deeply grateful for it and enjoy it most of the time, but it has little to do with what I imagined.

Maybe Allison has a really hard pregnancy and even if she has "normal" pregnancy, maybe she doesn't enjoy being pregnant at all. Which would be okay in the non-fundie world, but she was raised to be a brood mare and knows she will have to go through this until menopause.

So her marriage might not be the fairytale she was promised and now pregnancy might be something that really makes her suffer. That would mean she is totally screwed and probably knows it.

All pure speculation, but this is the feeling I've had over the last months.

[Melissa1977]

1 hour ago, ophelia said:

Maybe she's not only unhappy in her marriage, but also in her pregnancy.
I've been dreaming and praying to one day get pregnant through all my years of being single. I glorified being pregnant. Now that I'm pregnant I'm deeply grateful for it and enjoy it most of the time, but it has little to do with what I imagined.

Maybe Allison has a really hard pregnancy and even if she has "normal" pregnancy, maybe she doesn't enjoy being pregnant at all. Which would be okay in the non-fundie world, but she was raised to be a brood mare and knows she will have to go through this until menopause.

So her marriage might not be the fairytale she was promised and now pregnancy might be something that really makes her suffer. That would mean she is totally screwed and probably knows it.

All pure speculation, but this is the feeling I've had over the last months.

Pure speculation in my part, too, but I don't think Allison glorified motherhood when she was single. She has always been obsessed about marriage, not about the whole family picture and in her longs and dull posts about marriage, it's always about the man and woman relationship. 

What amazes me is that she, as a fundie married woman with an open IG, hasn't posted about the beauty of pregnancy, blessings etc. Even if she didn't really felt it, at least do it to look good in front of other fundies. For years, she has been posting about singleness and marriage to "encourage" other women. Why not to write about motherhood? 

Of course, nobody should be forced to post about an issue that they are not interested in. It's only that choosing to write about some personal thoughts and not about others, tells something about their interests IMO.

 

[Melissa1977]

17 hours ago, fundiefan said:

Allison's brothers are not even remotely what I would consider to be "manly men" or "real men".

You are right, Marlin and Joshua are tantrum toddlers craving for attention! I don't like the expression "Manly men" because it is sexist AF, but if manly men exist, they must be humble and modest, because they are self-confident. They must be responsible adults who respect others. Bontragers are the opposite!

If someone is "manly" in that ridiculous family, it's Mitchell and Denver. They actually work and as far as we know, are not involved in politics and insurrections. Of course they share the same horrid beliefs, but don't seem to be wasting their time on that. Denver looked so in love in his wedding that I give him a (little, tiny) pass. If a Bon wife is going to be treated well, I think it's Praise. 

19 hours ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

It’s strange because her BFF sister’s husband isn’t that manly when looking at her definition. I don’t think John is feminine but he doesn’t seem like he’s even remotely similar to Jeremiah. It’s weird that she would go on like this when her BIL doesn’t fit her narrow view in manliness. 

I think John is manly by fundie standards. He works with his hands and can build things, plays sports and is soaked in patriarchy, plus cares for his wife. Why do you think he is not manly by Allison standards?

[JermajestyDuggar]

4 hours ago, Melissa1977 said:

23 hours ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

 

I think John is manly by fundie standards. He works with his hands and can build things, plays sports and is soaked in patriarchy, plus cares for his wife. Why do you think he is not manly by Allison standards?

I just can’t imagine John ever being interested in that stupid manly camp or the many arm wrestling contests they have in Bontrager land. He works out and is probably manly in some ways, but he’s so different from Jeremiah. He seems like the most outgoing Maxwells. He seems like mr friendly and talkative. Which is just the opposite of Jeremiah.

[Melissa1977]

29 minutes ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

I just can’t imagine John ever being interested in that stupid manly camp or the many arm wrestling contests they have in Bontrager land. He works out and is probably manly in some ways, but he’s so different from Jeremiah. He seems like the most outgoing Maxwells. He seems like mr friendly and talkative. Which is just the opposite of Jeremiah.

Yes, they are different! 

One thing that makes Jeremiah look not very manly (from my perspective) is his non-verbal attitude. He doesn't look self confident, but rigid and nervous, never happy or relaxed. The kind of person that doesn't show his feelings and lacks emotional intelligence. It's just my opinion, the vibe I get, not that I'm psycoanalising him. Maybe he is funny and caring, but shy in pictures! I hope so!