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Jellybean

Carry on from here:

http://www.freejinger.org/topic/30690-seewalds-31-jessa’s-maybe-baby/?do=findComment&comment=1544964

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We’ve been talking about adoption - not because Jessa and Ben have said anything recently - just thread drift.

Should adoptees have the right to find and/or contact their birth parents?

Should the parents have the right to remain anonymous and unfound, if that’s their preference?

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lexiloumarie

I read most but not all of the thread drift but I didn't see this mentioned.

I think places like 23andme and the ancestry tests are going to render this discussion about privacy moot before long. I've already seen articles where a family discovers past unknown adoptions and hospital baby switches via a mail in DNA test.

Adoption agencies are going to need to make birth parents aware that their anonymity is limited by technology. All it takes is a an aunt, cousin, half sibling and so on taking one of those tests for a birth child to find their genetic roots. So the discussion then becomes not do they have the right to be anonymous, but how do we protect those vulnerable in this system - children of rape, of incest. The push to outlaw abortion farther and farther into pregnancy just as technology is making the world all the more connected makes me extremely worried for the women whose anonymity is connected to their safety. That might have only been slight on topic for the thread drift.......

 

 

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SapphireSlytherin

@lexiloumarie - the rape/incest babies are the reason I believe birth families have the right to remain anonymous. Especially if the birth mom didn't tell anyone, and suddenly this person shows up... It's fraught with horrendous consequences. :(

@SawScar2017 - I'm sorry your search ended that way. :(

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Free Jana Duggar

It is pretty much impossible to guarantee anonyimiy now days.  My children are adopted (same birthmom).  We have always been open with them. Recently, our 16 year old daughter found abd contacted her birthmother without our knowledge.  The birthmother was happy to hear from her.  I was just hurt that she went behind my bsvk (not that she contacted her).

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tabitha2

My daddy was a  1950’s drunken back seat accident baby so he was quickly given away in a private adoption to my grandparents. Somehow he found his birth mother and she sent a picture and a letter.They spoke on the phone even. But evidently it didn’t go well, the letter was lost and all I have is a picture of her. All I know is she lived in Missouri and was named Hense or Hanse. I wish for my sake someone had cared more. 

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Four is Enough

This in depth adoption talk is fascinating, and there are things I hadn't considered, and I thought I thought a LOT about adoption, LOL!

But back to Benessa: Has something like a pregnancy ever been announced by media before the Duggars confirmed it?I'm thinking of that reddit report that Jessa was at someone's home and they said she was pregnant.. did InTouch take it from there, or did they just pick up all our speculation?

Well, time will tell, I guess.

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singsingsing
9 minutes ago, Four is Enough said:

But back to Benessa: Has something like a pregnancy ever been announced by media before the Duggars confirmed it?

There was that one time that Anna suddenly appeared about six months pregnant. They were all photographed at some kind of vault holding stacks of money, and she was very obviously pregnant, wearing a maternity sweater with a ribbon to accentuate the bump iirc. Someone (not the Duggars) posted that photo, and prior to that it hadn't been announced that she was pregnant. I can't remember if the media latched onto it or not, though!

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FeministShrew

Mr. Shrew was adopted. He & his sister were abandoned in an empty house when he was a toddler & she was a baby, and were in foster care for a few years before being adopted. He doesn't know if their biological parents were ever found, and he's not interested in knowing anything about them. He & his sister are estranged in part because she wanted to search & he didn't. 
I want him to get a DNA report so he can at least find out about any possible health problems, but he just doesn't want to know anything.
His mom died before we met, so that source of information is lost. He never asked her about the adoption or if she knew anything about his bio parents. She offered to talk to him about it once, but he told her he didn't want to know.
Me, I'm curious as a cat. I'd want to know everything. It's really hard for me to understand & respect his wishes. 

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Ivycoveredtower
38 minutes ago, Four is Enough said:

This in depth adoption talk is fascinating, and there are things I hadn't considered, and I thought I thought a LOT about adoption, LOL!

But back to Benessa: Has something like a pregnancy ever been announced by media before the Duggars confirmed it?I'm thinking of that reddit report that Jessa was at someone's home and they said she was pregnant.. did InTouch take it from there, or did they just pick up all our speculation?

Well, time will tell, I guess.

usually it's released at the same time. the Duggar's will announce and Tlc/People/US will have the more in depth article about it. those are the only three sources other then the actual Duggar's I'd believe. 

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karen77
25 minutes ago, FeministShrew said:

Mr. Shrew was adopted. He & his sister were abandoned in an empty house when he was a toddler & she was a baby, and were in foster care for a few years before being adopted. He doesn't know if their biological parents were ever found, and he's not interested in knowing anything about them. He & his sister are estranged in part because she wanted to search & he didn't. 
I want him to get a DNA report so he can at least find out about any possible health problems, but he just doesn't want to know anything.
His mom died before we met, so that source of information is lost. He never asked her about the adoption or if she knew anything about his bio parents. She offered to talk to him about it once, but he told her he didn't want to know.
Me, I'm curious as a cat. I'd want to know everything. It's really hard for me to understand & respect his wishes. 

I understand that sentiment!

 

My husband's bio father is adopted, but my husband is estranged from him (his stepdad adopted him formally at about 2 or 3). He has no interest in finding much more about his real dad out. But it does suck a bit, since his bio dad is adopted, it's like a dead end in our ancestry search. boo.

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SapphireSlytherin
6 minutes ago, karen77 said:

it's like a dead end in our ancestry search. boo.

I can guarantee you that there are "hidden" adoptions in every family, somewhere along the line. Just because a Joe Blow is included in the tree doesn't mean he's the actual child of John and Susie Blow. Joe Blow could be the child of Susie's sister, John's sister, John & Susie's older daughter, John & Susie's older son, John & Susie's household help, John & Susie's neighbor, etc.

My ex-husband is also adopted. He never had any interest in finding his birth parents, but his current wife "surprised" him with a visit by his birth mom. It didn't go well. 

Edited by SapphireSlytherin
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tabitha2

Yes. On my fathers birth records my adoptive Grandmothers aunt is listed as birth mother. So that’s a dead end for us. We know the hospital he was born at but that’s been gone for 40 years.

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justmy2cents
4 hours ago, lexiloumarie said:

I read most but not all of the thread drift but I didn't see this mentioned.

I think places like 23andme and the ancestry tests are going to render this discussion about privacy moot before long. 

 

I had my daughter with the help of a sperm donor. Fast forward 6 years and our whole family was doing DNA testing for fun. I was curious to see if my daughter's test would confirm the nationalities that the donor provided. What I did not expect to find was the donor's sister. It was easy enough to identify him having his mother's name (from the family tree.)  his sister has not sent me a message and vice versa. I have no plans to get in touch with him but will keep the info for when my daughter is closer to 18. I'll support her in whatever decision she makes about getting in touch with him. I just want her to be prepared if he doesn't want any contact. 

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viii
17 minutes ago, justmy2cents said:

I had my daughter with the help of a sperm donor. Fast forward 6 years and our whole family was doing DNA testing for fun. I was curious to see if my daughter's test would confirm the nationalities that the donor provided. What I did not expect to find was the donor's sister. It was easy enough to identify him having his mother's name (from the family tree.)  his sister has not sent me a message and vice versa. I have no plans to get in touch with him but will keep the info for when my daughter is closer to 18. I'll support her in whatever decision she makes about getting in touch with him. I just want her to be prepared if he doesn't want any contact. 

That's super interesting. My sister had twins with the help of a sperm donor, and so it'll be interesting to see in the future if we do something like this what will turn up for them. I would assume the donor's family knows (since he checked the box saying he'd be willing to meet them when they're 18) but perhaps they don't, and the family doesn't even realize. Not that they're necessarily family, but I suppose in a sense they are. 

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lexiloumarie
15 minutes ago, justmy2cents said:

I had my daughter with the help of a sperm donor. Fast forward 6 years and our whole family was doing DNA testing for fun. I was curious to see if my daughter's test would confirm the nationalities that the donor provided. What I did not expect to find was the donor's sister. It was easy enough to identify him having his mother's name (from the family tree.)  his sister has not sent me a message and vice versa. I have no plans to get in touch with him but will keep the info for when my daughter is closer to 18. I'll support her in whatever decision she makes about getting in touch with him. I just want her to be prepared if he doesn't want any contact. 

My wife and I have that concern which is probably why it's where my brain went to begin with. We've obviously needed reproductive help to have children. I just hope at that point, we're ready to prepare our family for whatever choices they make and the reaction they may get from their biological family. Just not something we had to consider when this all began years ago.

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justmissedquiver

In Ohio, birth records are now open. Anyone over 18  can gain access to their adoption file and original birth record.

1 hour ago, karen77 said:

Mr. Shrew was adopted. He & his sister were abandoned in an empty house when he was a toddler & she was a baby, and were in foster care for a few years before being adopted. He doesn't know if their biological parents were ever found, and he's not interested in knowing anything about them. He & his sister are estranged in part because she wanted to search & he didn't. 
I want him to get a DNA report so he can at least find out about any possible health problems, but he just doesn't want to know anything.
His mom died before we met, so that source of information is lost. He never asked her about the adoption or if she knew anything about his bio parents. She offered to talk to him about it once, but he told her he didn't want to know.
Me, I'm curious as a cat. I'd want to know everything. It's really hard for me to understand & respect his wishes. 

I was adopted due to very similar circumstances as above.  My older brother, toddler brother and I were (i think) abandoned in a supermarket in a grocery cart.  The details of this are fuzzy and I've heard different stories from different people over the years.  Honesty is not my family's strong suit.  Another story I've heard is that my bio mom left me with various family members and a baby sitter finally got fed up with her antics and called social services.  I spent time in foster care and was adopted when I was five by a fundy family.  I have no interest in meeting my bio mom and have zero info on my paternity.  I did meet my bio brother when we were young adults and although it wasn't disastrous, it was uncomfortable.  He has had a hard life and made many poor choices.  I currently do not know of his whereabouts.

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FeministShrew

A really odd thing is that my best friend's husband is Swiss, & about 20 years older than my husband, & they look alike. Mr. Shrew looks more like him than my friend's kids do. And Mr. Shrew is a dead ringer for friend's hubby's dad, who has always lived in Switzerland. Friend's hubby was shocked at the resemblance, but is sure there's no way he can be Mr. Shrew's dad, and he's an only child. I want Mr. Shrew to get a DNA test to see if he has Swiss ancestry, because they might be cousins. 
 

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Satan'sFortress

I don't have anything to add to this very interesting discussion except that whenever I see @Marly post, I suddenly want to eat a delicious looking, prefect pink cupcake.:cupcake:

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metheglyn
3 hours ago, SapphireSlytherin said:

I can guarantee you that there are "hidden" adoptions in every family, somewhere along the line. Just because a Joe Blow is included in the tree doesn't mean he's the actual child of John and Susie Blow. Joe Blow could be the child of Susie's sister, John's sister, John & Susie's older daughter, John & Susie's older son, John & Susie's household help, John & Susie's neighbor, etc.

I had an aunt (born in the late 1920s) whose youngest "sister" was actually the daughter of her oldest sister, but who was raised by my aunt's parents. I'm pretty sure the oldest sister was quite young at the time, and since she was the oldest and had several younger sisters the age gap didn't look that weird. They didn't make it official, as there are only 4 recognized sisters, but at the same time it wasn't ever really acknowledged publicly who's child the "youngest" was, though she was listed as a niece in my aunt's obituary.

Edited by metheglyn
typo and trimming quote
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Chewing Gum
3 hours ago, SapphireSlytherin said:

My ex-husband is also adopted. He never had any interest in finding his birth parents, but his current wife "surprised" him with a visit by his birth mom. It didn't go well. 

What the hell? How could she possibly think that is ok? Talks about putting your own curiosity first. Yikes. 

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Carm_88

Adoption isn't easy for any involved. Emotions are running super high, there's going to be a lot going on. I think the adoptee has the right to know the medical history of their biological parents and who they are. I also think that the biological parents have the right to not have a relationship with the child they gave up for adoption. It's tough, very very tough and I hope for peace for all those involved. 

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Crazy Enough to Join

You know there are many, many older kids who want to be adopted and no one steps up. Kudos to the good adoptive parents who did step up even if maybe they didn't navigate the openness part in the best way.

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Jenn The Heathen

Speaking of the mail order DNA tests, I have a crazy story.  My grandmother always told us she was adopted, but when I started digging into my ancestry, I found out that her birth mother actually raised her until she was 6 or 7 before abandoning her husband and three kids.  She eventually went on to have two kids with another man, but my grandmother never knew them.  I had found these other kids on social media and the white pages, but decided to leave them alone. Eventually I decide to get a DNA test and find man with my grandmother’s half brother listed as his father so I decide to reach out to him.  He’s not good with technology so he has his son contact me back.  It turns out that my grandmother’s half brother followed in their mother’s footsteps and abandoned his son.  The son has been trying for years to find his birth father and I had all his info.  They eventually reached out to him and have opened lines of communication.  It just made me feel really good that my research was helping someone else and in the process, I have a new 2nd cousin to chat with!

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justoneoftwo
2 hours ago, Chewing Gum said:

What the hell? How could she possibly think that is ok? Talks about putting your own curiosity first. Yikes. 

My husband's step mother did something similar.  His dad called one day to ask if it was okay to put H in contact with his bio sister.  We are so glad his dad finally stepped in because WTF?

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Jeanny_525

Ancestry.com and all those genealogy websites suck. The fact that creepers out there can actually pay and see other people personal info like birth or marriage certificates, addresses, phone numbers...etc. is horrible. Whatever happened to privacy? Is there a way to prevent this? To keep your name from showing in those searches?

Anyways. Is Jessa pregnant? Guess not, yet. :pb_lol:

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