Dillards 53: Making Assumptions and Indoctrinating the Children

[Born Skeptic]

On 3/14/2018 at 11:54 AM, libgirl2 said:

My mother, who is currently in a nursing home with dementia, had to go on Medicaid. My parents worked their whole lives, worked hard, but there is no way they could afford the 6-7K a month a good nursing home charges. My dad is the communal spouse, they own their home and one car.... the man has to eat. He has some savings accounts and isn't poor just a bit above average, but he couldn't afford a year of her care. They never in all their lives and mine, took anything from the government. 

I'm sorry for what you and your parents are dealing with.  Having recently lost my mother after a long slow decline, I am very familiar with the expense, grief, frustration and (in my case anyway) anger that you are going through.  I am a believer that, since our elder citizens are essentially forced to go on Medicare, that Medicare should fully cover their needs (umm - dental, eyeglasses, etc - why are they not covered??) up to and including all end of life costs.  We were fortunate that we had convinced my mother to move to a lovely assisted living facility just before her decline.  With the combination of their care, my own almost full time care, some private duty care, and Hospice we were able to keep her Where she was.  It is very unusual that they were willing to let her stay.  If they hadn't, we would have eventually had to go the Medicaid route as well.  I think we need to reform Medicare to do more for end of life.  I wish you well.

I hope that you have read my post and realize that I was not putting down people that turn to Medicaid.  I was trying to say that Medicaid is not the best option for everyone and that not everyone chooses to take it.  I believe that people that can afford to do so, should turn it down.  That would leave more money in the pot for the people that actually need it.   

[SapphireSlytherin]

If all goes as planned, DH and I will "age out" back in the UK. If not, I've told my daughter repeatedly to PUT ME IN A HOME and not put HER LIFE ON HOLD to deal with me. 

[WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?]

43 minutes ago, SapphireSlytherin said:

If all goes as planned, DH and I will "age out" back in the UK. If not, I've told my daughter repeatedly to PUT ME IN A HOME and not put HER LIFE ON HOLD to deal with me. 

I know a couple who moved to the UK for work a few years ago. Their plan was to stay there until retirement, then come back to the US. I wonder if they're revising those plans...

[libgirl2]

1 hour ago, SapphireSlytherin said:

If all goes as planned, DH and I will "age out" back in the UK. If not, I've told my daughter repeatedly to PUT ME IN A HOME and not put HER LIFE ON HOLD to deal with me. 

I told my husband and son, if I end up like my mom, jsut put me in a home..... no guilt necessary.

[scribble]

7 hours ago, KelseyAnn said:

What state are you in, because in Minnesota fomer foster kids get the medicaid until 26. 

It's 18 here, but I believe if  the kids go to college they can keep it until they are 22.

[Audrey2]

2 hours ago, FluffySnowball said:

I don’t know if it has been mentioned yet (if so, please excuse me, I must have overlooked it) but Dully Dilly’s mum posted on Twitter that she would give framed “In God we trust”-pictures to all (!!!) her sons’ teachers when they were at school. Talk about an awkward, overbearing, over the top zealot...  I just can’t put my words in order to articulate how appalling I find that. 

Will it have Jesus on it? If so, which picture? Will it be the Jesus with the fabulous hair?

[KelseyAnn]

18 minutes ago, scribble said:

It's 18 here, but I believe if  the kids go to college they can keep it until they are 22.

No, I was a foster kid here and I'm 24 and still get it. You get it until you're 26 and free college until 21. 

[scoutsadie]

2 hours ago, FluffySnowball said:

I don’t know if it has been mentioned yet (if so, please excuse me, I must have overlooked it) but Dully Dilly’s mum posted on Twitter that she would give framed “In God we trust”-pictures to all (!!!) her sons’ teachers when they were at school. Talk about an awkward, overbearing, over the top zealot...  I just can’t put my words in order to articulate how appalling I find that. 

...And she said she got great responses and many thanks from the teachers. Such a welcoming environment their classrooms must be. 

[metheglyn]

9 minutes ago, scoutsadie said:

...And she said she got great responses and many thanks from the teachers. Such a welcoming environment their classrooms must be. 

Well, I mean, it's a gift, they were probably being polite regardless of their personal feelings. Some of them may have genuinely appreciated it, others may have been smiling over gritted teeth. Did Derick go to all public schools, or was he in a Christian school at some point? That might have had an impact on what the teachers thought as well. Getting "great responses and many thanks" doesn't really say much about the day-to-day experience in the teachers' classrooms in and of itself.

As a side note, did we know that Cathy spent 17 years working as an accountant then inventory coordinator (etc.) for Walmart and then Sam's Club? I certainly missed that: http://www.treehss.com/team/cathy-dillard-bryum/ I wonder if that is related to how Derrick got the accounting job at Walmart in the first place?

[SapphireSlytherin]

I went to public schools for a while in Arkansas. God and Jesus and bible stuff were EVERYWHERE. There was a daily bible verse read over the intercom every morning, along with a Christian prayer before any football game. 

1 hour ago, metheglyn said:

As a side note, did we know that Cathy spent 17 years working as an accountant then inventory coordinator (etc.) for Walmart and then Sam's Club? I certainly missed that: http://www.treehss.com/team/cathy-dillard-bryum/ I wonder if that is related to how Derrick got the accounting job at Walmart in the first place?

Or mayyyybeeeeee.... That's why he "left" WM? Maybe Cathy kept emailing Derick's boss, telling him that Derick wasn't making mistakes, and that Boss was making a lot of assumptions about Derick's work? 

[PennySycamore]

@SapphireSlytherin,  I went to public schools in SC in the 60s/early 70s (class of "73) and we never had that kind of Jesus stuff in the classroom.  We maybe did have some teachers that led prayers at the beginning of the day or maybe said grace before lunch but that stopped when the Supreme Court ruled that official school prayer was unconstitutional in 1962.  They did have a religious aspect to the high school's Christmas program.  I was very tempted to boycott it, but did not.  I should have though.

[scribble]

1 hour ago, KelseyAnn said:

No, I was a foster kid here and I'm 24 and still get it. You get it until you're 26 and free college until 21. 

Like most things in foster care, this probably varies by state. I just looked at our paperwork and it says medical ends at 22 if the  kids are in college. Free tuition definitely varies by state-- some limit it by age -- so if you're adopted out of foster care as a little, you don't get it.

Glad you are covered until you're 26! I hope by the time my kids get there, we'll have some sort of universal health care anyway.

[PainfullyAware]

So does that mean Cathy was a 'bad role model' by Duggar standards because she worked out of the home while her kids were young?  How does that work?

Like when Derick starts courting Jill and says "so you want to be a midwife?" and she looks at him aghast and says "no I want to be a mother! That's the only job for women. Anything else goes against the Bible!"...what does he think and say? If he agrees with her, he admits his mother "sinned,"but if he disgrees he isn't godly enough.

[artdecades]

I want to bring it back to the book talk for a minute because I have found the BEST BOOK for Derick and Jill to read their kids next

https://www.amazon.com/Meet-Dullards-Sara-Pennypacker/dp/0062198564

You can see the whole book in this video

 

[FluffySnowball]

7 hours ago, scoutsadie said:

...And she said she got great responses and many thanks from the teachers. Such a welcoming environment their classrooms must be. 

That made me pause and think, too. I guess some teachers were honestly appreciative, yet others might have just been friendly and not as keen to push their opinions an Cathy as she was/is to convert them to zealotdom

[SorenaJ]

5 hours ago, PainfullyAware said:

So does that mean Cathy was a 'bad role model' by Duggar standards because she worked out of the home while her kids were young?  How does that work?

Like when Derick starts courting Jill and says "so you want to be a midwife?" and she looks at him aghast and says "no I want to be a mother! That's the only job for women. Anything else goes against the Bible!"...what does he think and say? If he agrees with her, he admits his mother "sinned,"but if he disgrees he isn't godly enough.

He could just nod and smile? 

[Drala]

Old social worker here with a few comments about long term care facilities for people with dementia.  It's a good idea to know the people working there by visiting regularly and keeping a critical eye on standards of care.   Studies have shown that low-paid line staff (mostly women) are disproportionately exposed to domestic violence and abuse in their own lives.  By "line staff" I mean the people who do the day-to-day personal care of toileting, bathing, feeding, etc.  What the disproportionate incidence of domestic violence exposure means is that these staff are at higher risk of neglecting and/or mistreating their charges, who can be extremely difficult to work with at times.  Some line staff are saints, some are not. 

No matter how nice and/or pricey the LTC facility may be, I would never assume that mistreatment or neglect isn't a possibility. If I live long enough, I expect to be in a LTC facility some day. (My father went that route.)  I don't want my family members to avoid visiting just because I may have forgotten who they are, or because it's distressing to see me in a decrepit state.  I would want my family members to visit regularly, engage with all the staff involved in my care, and ask questions like how often my diaper is changed or  about any bruises or scratches or my apparent "dislike" or agitation around certain staff.   I would want them to get to know the social workers and nurses and pay attention to turnover, because high turnover of professional staff isn't good sign. 

My father used to say, "Just put me in a home and forget about me."  No way.  He was a regular SOB when I was growing up, but when he declined into dementia, something changed him--and me.   In his decline, he taught me not to be afraid of becoming frail and vulnerable, although I still have my moments when I think I'd rather end my life before having to live indefinitely in long term care.  Thankfully, he didn't live long after he went into long term care.               

[libgirl2]

7 minutes ago, Drala said:

Old social worker here with a few comments about long term care facilities for people with dementia.  It's a good idea to know the people working there by visiting regularly and keeping a critical eye on standards of care.   Studies have shown that low-paid line staff (mostly women) are disproportionately exposed to domestic violence and abuse in their own lives.  By "line staff" I mean the people who do the day-to-day personal care of toileting, bathing, feeding, etc.  What the disproportionate incidence of domestic violence exposure means is that these staff are at higher risk of neglecting and/or mistreating their charges, who can be extremely difficult to work with at times.  Some line staff are saints, some are not. 

No matter how nice and/or pricey the LTC facility may be, I would never assume that mistreatment or neglect isn't a possibility. If I live long enough, I expect to be in a LTC facility some day. (My father went that route.)  I don't want my family members to avoid visiting just because I may have forgotten who they are, or because it's distressing to see me in a decrepit state.  I would want my family members to visit regularly, engage with all the staff involved in my care, and ask questions like how often my diaper is changed or  about any bruises or scratches or my apparent "dislike" or agitation around certain staff.   I would want them to get to know the social workers and nurses and pay attention to turnover, because high turnover of professional staff isn't good sign. 

My father used to say, "Just put me in a home and forget about me."  No way.  He was a regular SOB when I was growing up, but when he declined into dementia, something changed him--and me.   In his decline, he taught me not to be afraid of becoming frail and vulnerable, although I still have my moments when I think I'd rather end my life before having to live indefinitely in long term care.  Thankfully, he didn't live long after he went into long term care.               

The home my mom is in calls me whenever they have any issue, such as a medication change or if she has a cold/cough and what the doctor is treating her with. I even had a call a couple of months ago that they were treating her for a sore on her buttocks. Again, we make our presence known, we talk to the staff when we are there. 

[melon]

My mother in  law had dementia.It was so sad.My father in law took care of her,until his sudden death.It was a terrible freak accident.He loved to go out for coffee,something he had always done.He felt like he could leave her for short amounts of time.When he got back he thought he had the truck in park,but didn't and he was run over.When we saw his mother she was completely unaware.She did not recognize me or my sister law..you could ask her about her sons and she'd tell you their names.My sister in law said our mother in law used to cry over everything..I know this isn't unusual..my sister in law says she doesn't ever want to be like that.After my father in law's death,my husband and his brothers decided to put their mother in a care facility.Her social security was used to pay for her care.My husband and his brother had to pay for her food and clothing.She seemed very happy there.They got her diabetes until control.They were able to take her off her diabetic medications.They also called my brother in law with any issues.Not long before her death,she was 86,she began to decline.She was bedridden,then suddenly refused to eat anymore,within a few days,she passed away.

[VelociRapture]

In regards to dementia, I took a sociology class once where we watched a documentary about Alzheimer’s. One thing I remember was how much happier and accepting the mother was of her daughter’s partner. Prior to being diagnosed she was extremely judgmental about their relationship, but after she started to decline she became much more accepting about her daughter being a lesbian and she was very kind towards her daughter’s partner. 

I also remember a great piece of advice the daughter gave, which is to just roll with things. Her mother would often mistake her for someone else and she noticed how distraught she’d become when corrected, so she started to just play along. It made her mom so much happier and calmer and they were able to enjoy their visits more that way. My mom actually did the same thing with her Great-Aunt when I was very young - she often mistook my mom for my Grandma and my mom would usually just happily let her think that. If I ever find myself in that situation with a loved one then I hope I’ll be able to play along and not take it personally. It’s got to be really hard, especially if it’s your parent who doesn’t recognize you. 

[libgirl2]

6 minutes ago, VelociRapture said:

 It’s got to be really hard, especially if it’s your parent who doesn’t recognize you. 

Its not easy but I have gotten used to it. My friend works at a nursing home and her advice was, if they don't know you, just be a friend. 

[Knight of Ni]

Glen Campbell wrote “I’m Not Gonna Miss You” about his dementia diagnosis. It’s a beautiful but heartbreaking song. 

[libgirl2]

16 minutes ago, Knight of Ni said:

Glen Campbell wrote “I’m Not Gonna Miss You” about his dementia diagnosis. It’s a beautiful but heartbreaking song. 

That it is. As bad as it is for the person who suffers at a certain point they just don't know anymore, it is also bad for the loved ones. 

[Ais]

When I first began working in a care home about 20 years the policy with dementia/Alzheimer's was to reinforce reality which always struck me as cruel, no one needs to hear multiple times that their parents are dead for example. Thankfully over the years policies changed as we learned more about the condition. One lady I looked after called me Momma for a long time. I obviously looked like her mother did when she was much younger and it never occurred to me to correct her. If calling me Momma brought her comfort in a scary world, kept her settled when she became agitated or encouraged her to eat as her condition deteriorated then I was happy to play along. I've been called a lot worse!

[libgirl2]

1 minute ago, Ais said:

When I first began working in a care home about 20 years the policy with dementia/Alzheimer's was to reinforce reality which always struck me as cruel, no one needs to hear multiple times that their parents are dead for example. Thankfully over the years policies changed as we learned more about the condition. One lady I looked after called me Momma for a long time. I obviously looked like her mother did when she was much younger and it never occurred to me to correct her. If calling me Momma brought her comfort in a scary world, kept her settled when she became agitated or encouraged her to eat as her condition deteriorated then I was happy to play along. I've been called a lot worse!

Yes, telling them a loved one is gone only makes them relive it again. We did that with my mom a few times, until I learned better. They say don't correct them and just move on from there. My dad was visiting my mom and as he left, my ex-MIL asked if he were going home. He said yes. She said she was waiting for her son to bring the car keys so she could go see her mother. Her mother died over 10 years ago. My dad just said Oh that sounds nice.