Family Living on Purpose (FLOP?): Erika Shupe pt. 10

[Lurky]

Oh, @WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?, massive kudos for starting the counselling before the diagnosis.  I imagine that it's this kind of practical information that would really help another family in the same boat, and it's one of the frustrations of the Erika's of this world that they stick to the small stuff, rather than things that are helpful.  I can't comment on whether any of her kids are on the spectrum, but if they were, her sharing things about how to get support would be super-useful to others (I know, I know, IF they were, IF she then got a diagnosis, IF she got support for them....)  

[WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?]

@feministxtian, I have sometimes wondered about myself since we started this journey with autism/AS. In some ways my daughter's personality is a lot like mine, but some of the ways we are different are also some of the reasons for her diagnosis. I guess I just don't care enough to get tested for now. I'm mostly okay with just being weird. 

@Lurky, she also has a diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder, so some immediate help with managing her anxiety was a priority for us. Her counselor is such a big help. (I also wish I had known some of the things that were going on in her first grade classroom with one particular teacher. I have since heard from more than one parent about favoritism and rules that teacher used that I would have spoken up about. But my only volunteering in first grade was field trips and my girl isn't able to give me very detailed explanations of her school day.)

I hope Erika ends up volunteering and helps her kids with homework. Being a public school parent doesn't mean we don't participate in our kids' education. It just means we participate differently than homeschool parents.

[Hisey]

Quote

I apologize in advance for the wall of text below. I'm putting it behind a spoiler, but it's just a little bit about my experience of getting a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome for my child.

I'm glad you got such a careful diagnosis of your daughter. It indeed sounds like a painstaking process in your case.

I was partly talking about the arm-chair diagnosis. It's can be used by unstable, or unproactive parents who hear about Asperger's and use it as an excuse for a kid's problems, whatever they may be. I've seen "Asperger's" label slapped on kids because they are violent, abusive to their siblings, for shoplifting, turning over desks in classrooms, etc.

But I've also seen it misused by professionals. I worked in a school (for emotionally disturbed kids) where there was enormous pressure to get a diagnosis for a kid when he arrived, for a variety of reasons, mostly financial. Diagnosis was usually made by a psychiatrist after 1-2 visits with the kid, and a reading of his history. Asperger's was one of the go-to diagnoses, and a less stigmatizing one than, say, Conduct Disorder (at least at that time).

And who could really say they were wrong? It isn't an exact science. There's a need for more detailed diagnoses labels. There are some children who clearly meet the criteria of a diagnosis, and you say "Of course! That explains it! " And it's a huge relief. However, there are other kids who get one diagnosis from one doctor and one from another. 

[mango_fandango]

Over here diagnosis isn't done through the school system. A school may flag it up, but it's up to you to get a diagnosis. Apparently it was my Year 4 teacher (third grade) who first mentioned it as a possibility. It can take a long time to get an assessment and therefore diagnosis. I got assessed by a clinical psychologist at 16, who said I had a significant number of markers but not enough to warrant a full diagnosis. I'm debating whether I get evaluated by a specialist. But what if I get the same thing off them? I've got enough markers that I'm not neurotypical, but not enough for a diagnosis...

[Granwych]

3 hours ago, WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo? said:

I hope Erika ends up volunteering

That  be interesting.  I imagine she would need a certain activity or specific job to do.  When wychling was in 1st grade, I overheard one parent volunteer barking at the kids in the classroom.  Knowing that wychling would have just shut down at being spoken to in that manner, I "requested" that parent might need to change her tone and way of relating to the students.  By the end of the first quarter of that year, said volunteer had quit.  (And wychling was relieved!)

[feministxtian]

4 hours ago, WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo? said:

 

@feministxtian, I have sometimes wondered about myself since we started this journey with autism/AS. In some ways my daughter's personality is a lot like mine, but some of the ways we are different are also some of the reasons for her diagnosis. I guess I just don't care enough to get tested for now. I'm mostly okay with just being weird. 

 

When I met with the psychologist, i found out something interesting. The first question she asked me is if I had been born at full term. Well, I wasn't...I was about 4 weeks early. Turns out that's considered a "marker"....something about the brain is not organized to deal with the "real world" until about 38 weeks gestation. Of course it didn't help any that I was born in 1964 and my mom smoked and drank throughout the pregnancy too...(can you say 0 for 3 there?). I've always been good with weird shit like thinking in 3 dimensions and being a more visual person (great...NOT in school). If someone talks to me for more than a couple of minutes I don't hear a thing anymore...BUT...If I see it or read it I wlll pretty much NEVER forget it. I've gotten used to my strange ways of thinking and doing...but growing up it was tough since my mother was CONVINCED I was "crazy". 

[WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?]

@feministxtian, I'm sorry your mom thought that way. I was really lucky that my mom almost always defended my right to be myself as I grew up. She's human, not perfect , but when my older sister would just look at me and say, "You're so weird!" it was nice to have my mom tell her, "Leave your sister alone! Let her do things the way that works best for her." Social problems at school were a different story, of course. 

[feministxtian]

Just now, WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo? said:

@feministxtian, I'm sorry your mom thought that way. I was really lucky that my mom almost always defended my right to be myself as I grew up. She's human, not perfect , but when my older sister would just look at me and say, "You're so weird!" it was nice to have my mom tell her, "Leave your sister alone! Let her do things the way that works best for her." Social problems at school were a different story, of course. 

My parents had certain expectations...and I didn't meet any of them. They wanted a "normal" female child who would be into Barbies, make-up, and then THEIR idea was maybe I'd go to college, major in business and go to New York or some shit. They ended up with a weird-ass tomboy who was into cars, engineering, sci-fi and music. Who was forever bullied in school and when I tried to tell the parents, they swore up and down that if I only acted "normal" it wouldn't happen. They also gaslighted the hell out of me until I thought I was insane. The mother forever threatened to have me committed to a psych ward when I'd try to call her out on the gaslighting. 

So...it's a wonder I'm not in a psych ward...although I'm medicated...it keeps the demons at bay. 

[DaniLouisiana]

@feministxtian, honey, I wish you could have been one of the kids that my kids brought home with "Mama, he/she needs a new and better mom!". I still have kids that call me (&hubs) for help, support and a shoulder.  You could've worked on "the puzzle ", a 69 Camaro Convertible that's in pieces in my garage with hubs and watched/read sci-fi with both/all of us. And Music--don't get me started! I accept all of my kids, bio or brought home, just as they are.

BTW, I passed my tests!!!

[feministxtian]

8 hours ago, DaniLouisiana said:

@feministxtian, honey, I wish you could have been one of the kids that my kids brought home with "Mama, he/she needs a new and better mom!". I still have kids that call me (&hubs) for help, support and a shoulder.  You could've worked on "the puzzle ", a 69 Camaro Convertible that's in pieces in my garage with hubs and watched/read sci-fi with both/all of us. And Music--don't get me started! I accept all of my kids, bio or brought home, just as they are.

BTW, I passed my tests!!!

69 Camaro??? 69 Camaro??? Lemme at it!!! Just supply the Mountain Dew and the tunes cranked up and I'm good! 

On the sorta up side...my kids are weirdos too. #1 daughter reads Shakespeare for fun, #1 son is a car freak and #2 son is building Gundam Wing models, AND...my hubby lets me be as weird as I wanna be. He thinks I'm awesome!

[Gobsmacked]

On 1 February 2017 at 10:21 PM, usmcmom said:

I have worried that "helping them transition," for Erika means making sure they all speak quietly, they walk into the house calmly and follow any after-school routines to the letter. I think it means "thou must show no excitement nor release any energy in an unacceptable way when thou returns home from school."  

Here was my transition plan:

Open front door and stand back while they burst through like two starving hyenas.

Watch them drop an impressive amount of gloves, bags, projects and coats on the floor right by the door.

Redirect them to food. "Looooook  mama has food for you. That's riiiiiight; a cookie.  You're getting sleeeeepy."

Listen to them run upstairs or outside to begin doing whatever it is they want to do before homework and supper.  

Call them inside at the appropriate time and tell them to pick up their school stuff because mama might trip and break a hip. Listen to them run upstairs and dump the same piles in their rooms.  

This was all wrong, wasn't it????

*to be fair, my friend with seven kids and my friend with nine kids had pretty much the same plan. Eh....good enough for them.....

You have just described my house 15 years ago!! It's the same the world over!

[DaniLouisiana]

@feministxtian, the Camaro is called the puzzle because it's been in pieces since before Kiddo was born(he's 24)! Our kids would sure get along-I, too, have a Gundam builder and a Shakespeare reader, albeit the manga version. No car freaks to my hubs despair...

My Gundam builder now teaches robotics to middle schoolers and is the most popular teacher at his school!

[feministxtian]

Just now, DaniLouisiana said:

@feministxtian, the Camaro is called the puzzle because it's been in pieces since before Kiddo was born(he's 24)! Our kids would sure get along-I, too, have a Gundam builder and a Shakespeare reader, albeit the manga version. No car freaks to my hubs despair...

My Gundam builder now teaches robotics to middle schoolers and is the most popular teacher at his school!

24 years? Come on! 6 months of concerted work would get that bitch on the road. 

[DaniLouisiana]

@feministxtian, everything, including the big block, is the garage. The bodywork is what's causing the stall-he's a perfectionist with a bad back and neck. When he got the Camaro in high school it was a burned out shell(her name is Phoenix). If and when she ever gets put back together, she's getting a dye job-she has been painted white but is going to be whatever red hubs likes best in my nail polish box.

[feministxtian]

Just now, DaniLouisiana said:

@feministxtian, everything, including the big block, is the garage. The bodywork is what's causing the stall-he's a perfectionist with a bad back and neck. When he got the Camaro in high school it was a burned out shell(her name is Phoenix). If and when she ever gets put back together, she's getting a dye job-she has been painted white but is going to be whatever red hubs likes best in my nail polish box.

Ok....bodywork is a bitch. Your best bet with that is to pay an expert (trust me on this, OK?) Almost anyone can do the mechanicals with a little common sense, a Chilton's and tools but body work is something else. To get it together quickest...take the body to a shop and get it done (I'd advise a frame off restoration, media blasting, metal work, primer, wet sanding, paint, wet sanding, clearcoat) while you work on the mechanicals. By the time the body is done, the mechanicals will be ready to be just installed. 

A good frame off resto on a '69 will get you a tidy sum at auction. Watch Barett Jackson and the other auctions on TV for an idea of what it'd be worth. Its a safe bet it'd pay off your mortgage.

[ChunkyBarbie]

I just love the vast wealth of knowledge that is on FJ.  

[feministxtian]

@DaniLouisiana here's an idea of what you could get for that car at auction if you put some work in it

https://classiccars.com/listings/find/1969/chevrolet/camaro

My dream car

https://classiccars.com/listings/view/695314/2009-ford-mustang-shelby-gt500-for-sale-in-rochester-minnesota-55902

 

[DaniLouisiana]

@feministxtian, thanks for the link! I'll show it to my hubs when he gets back from his call out. I don't think he'll ever give up though. ...he's hoping one of the grandkids will turn out to want to work on cars! My bet is on Wild Child! She may want pink and purple tools though and Grandpa better learn to love the LSU Tigers-at 3 yrs old, she already loves to watch football with Mimere and Sissy.

 

OoooooO! Dream car!!! Me too please!! We have to hide the keys from Bigfoot though....Shelbys are his true love and have been since he was 3 yrs old!

[feministxtian]

Just now, DaniLouisiana said:

@feministxtian, thanks for the link! I'll show it to my hubs when he gets back from his call out. I don't think he'll ever give up though. ...he's hoping one of the grandkids will turn out to want to work on cars! My bet is on Wild Child! She may want pink and purple tools though and Grandpa better learn to love the LSU Tigers-at 3 yrs old, she already loves to watch football with Mimere and Sissy.

what's wrong with pink and purple tools? I think that'd be cool! IF I had a garage, it'd be done in Mustang, Broncos and cool girl stuff. I learned that if I get a gel manicure, I can work on cars and all that and never chip my nails. So, yeah...a gel manicure in a gorgeous dark red and grease....great combo! 2 weeks until my car is back on the road...my baby, the love of my life (besides hubby), my Mustang....

[DaniLouisiana]

@feministxtian, Grandpa will have a harder time with having to listen to/watch football than pink and purple tools-he recently did the 22 cal and the BB guns pink because GrandGirl wouldn't go "plinking" with a "yucky boy color".  I somehow manage to chip my nails doing needlework so I'm going to have to try a gel manicure-first I need a gentle manicurist though!

[feministxtian]

@DaniLouisiana - not to sound racist...but find a shop that has Cambodian and Vietnamese techs. They're FANTASTIC! I've gotten my nails done in 4 states and 7 different cities and I can tell you that I won't even consider a shop that has Anglos as techs. Here, for a "full service", gel mani/spa pedi and wax is about 90 bucks, with tip about 100. I used to go every 2 weeks but that got a little outrageous when my paycheck got fried. Going to start back though at the shop just up the road by the Big Lots here in a couple of weeks. Boss told me not to get used to my "cushy" part-time gig at school...I have a solid 16 weeks of classes to teach with the promise of more...we're going to start offering corporate boot-camp type classes...which will also pay me a helluva lot more...so, time to start pampering again. 

[DaniLouisiana]

@feministxtian congratulations on the bump up! And thanks for the tip! I have a RA, which mainly affects my hands;multiple surgeries with more to come.

Hubs is pretty used to pink tools-my bow is a special order, pink camo, left-handed. 

[lawfulevil]

I miss having pretty hands but my hobbies are really hard on your nails.

Dani, I don't know where in "Hell," Northern CA you live, but if it's anywhere around the capitol, the blacksmithing professor at American River is fantastic, and tuition is pretty nominal.

Spoiler

https://www.custommade.com/1936-dodge-pickup-restoration-ratrod/by/lauraparker/

 

[Chocolatedefrauded]

So the correct way to pick your child up from school is not to yell, "oh, shit, I'm late again!" Jump in the car and race to the school hoping you don't hit any squirrels or other wildlife& hoping no one you know sees you careening around town with uncombed hair? Possibly while wearing paint splattered clothes? Good to know....

[TeddyBonkers]

^ I'm fortunate enough to live close enough to walk to pick my children up. So for me it's "leave work, maintain speed limit OH SHIT IS THAT A MILITARY POLICE CAR pull into my driveway, start walking to get my kids."