Joy and Austin: dating with a purpose .... or something (part 4)

[samurai_sarah]

1 hour ago, wandering woman said:

TMI, people.

Personally, I think it's refreshing to read some honest accounts.

[Carm_88]

I wish that I had to have this type of advice before I lost mine. All I heard it that it's really going to hurt, you're going to bleed, and he'll really like it but it won't be good for you. Not true! Some bleeding and some pain but it wasn't the worst thing ever. There's a lot of misconceptions around virginity and it should be talked about. 

[VeganCupcake]

13 hours ago, candygirl200413 said:

y'all get me a little nervous as a virgin!

 It's not bad AT ALL

Back on the topic of Joy & Austin, I'm pretty shocked that the tabloids are printing such a wild rumor! They are getting bold, because I never remember them saying anything so far-fetched about the other courting couples. I wonder if they're just getting desperate for material or what. 

[MargaretElliott]

All right, this might be TMI (sorry!) but with all the advice flying everywhere, I thought I'd put in my two cents... you might want to get checked out by a doctor before. Just to make sure everything's normal down there. Long story short, I had an underlying medical condition (microperforate hymen, google it) that made sex impossible and attempting it was excruciating. Needed surgery and (as a result of post-surgical vaginismus) LOTS of pelvic floor physical therapy. So to anyone out there for whom sex is painful/impossible, you're not alone. Your first time isn't supposed to hurt. If something's wrong, go to a doctor, and tell them everything, so they can help you. I was so confused and scared, because I never knew my conditions existed. I thought I was broken. Well, I kind of was, but thanks to some fantastic doctors, things got better. It's a lot of hard work and it's emotionally draining, but you can get there 

[VeganCupcake]

5 minutes ago, MargaretElliott said:

All right, this might be TMI (sorry!) but with all the advice flying everywhere, I thought I'd put in my two cents... you might want to get checked out by a doctor before. Just to make sure everything's normal down there. Long story short, I had an underlying medical condition (microperforate hymen, google it) that made sex impossible and attempting it was excruciating. Needed surgery and (as a result of post-surgical vaginismus) LOTS of pelvic floor physical therapy. So to anyone out there for whom sex is painful/impossible, you're not alone. Your first time isn't supposed to hurt. If something's wrong, go to a doctor, and tell them everything, so they can help you. I was so confused and scared, because I never knew my conditions existed. I thought I was broken. Well, I kind of was, but thanks to some fantastic doctors, things got better. It's a lot of hard work and it's emotionally draining, but you can get there 

I knew someone with the same condition, but they received surgery for it long before they were old enough to be thinking about sex, because they discovered they couldn't put a tampon in. Had you never tried using tampons before you tried having sex? 

And yes I definitely agree, if you ever have a problem you MUST go to a doctor! Even if you are shy/scared etc. Doctors have seen it all. 

[SamiKatz]

Crazy Days and Nights (which is not even a reliable blind item site let alone a news source), had a BI that the reason that Jinger and Jeremy were getting married so quickly was because she was pregnant.  Which obviously was not true.

There are many things I think the Duggars espouse publically which they do not follow through on privately, but making sure their daughters are "pure" is not one of them.  

 

[MargaretElliott]

More TMI!

Nah, @VeganCupcake, I just always used pads because that's what my mom used (not because of any archaic idea of tampons taking your virginity, she just liked them better). So that was what was around the house, and the subject never came up. So that was a pretty awful surprise.

[Jinder Roles]

@MargaretElliott Not TMI, and thank you for sharing. Just last night I watched a video by Buzzfeed Yellow about Vaginismus and how some medical professionals don't take women's sexual health issues seriously. Or don't take their pain seriously. It was quite interesting. Turns out in many cases, it's quite treatable. 

[Smash!]

More TMI: As a virgin my vagina was so tight I could barely get a tampon in. I bled a lot during my first time but it wasn't painful. We didn't get along with missionaries so he put my legs on his shoulders, which was easier then for him to get in. Maybe that helped as well in terms of not being painful.
--> to all the nervous virgins: don't expect the first sex to be great - it gets a lot better!

[nausicaa]

3 hours ago, wandering woman said:

TMI, people.

Boy, you're only 38 posts in and I can already tell you're gonna be a SUPER fun addition to this forum.  What with the hand slapping, TMI shaming about labor and virginity thread drifts, prescribing a shoulder length hair cut for all women. 

[FleeJanaFree]

Normally I hate thread drifts, but by golly if this isnt the most entertaining one yet.

[Queen]

On 16 januari 2017 at 7:34 PM, Casserole said:

It's also a misconception that you're supposed to bleed your first time. Does it happen? Yes. Can it be completely normal? Yes. But if properly aroused and lubricated with a gentle partner it shouldn't happen. Hymens can also just kind of wear away with time, physical activity, hormone levels, and discharge/menstruation. 

 

Off topic, but I hate that so many still think you're supposed to bleed as proof of virginity. 

Yes, that is why the myth of the hymen is so dangerous; women acctually get assaulted, shunned or killed for not bleeding when having penetrative sex for the first time. 

  Also if there was indeed a barrier in the vagina, no period blood would ever come out. And there is no way to see if there has ever been objects like tampons, fingers or penises inside either. 

[nickelodeon]

To the surprise of nobody on FJ, the cultural narrative around losing your virginity is kind of super sexist, i.e. "a huge powerful manly WEAPON will PIERCE your unprepared girl-flesh, BLOOD EVERYWHERE, IT'LL BE LIKE A CRIME SCENE, your body will NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN"

Because the reality that many hymens never break but gradually grow more elastic, or heal after tearing or bruising, doesn't lend itself to social metaphors that place limits on women's worth, soooooo.

[devoutjedi]

My first time: I was all ready to go until we got to it...then I got nervous and dry. It hurt a little bit until I adjusted and then I was fine No blood, no tearing. I felt weird afterwards due to emotional conditioning of losing your virginity being bad but I got over that. It's a learning experience. It was the first time for both of us so we learned together. The most important thing in my opinion is to learn what you like and feel comfortable advocating for it. 

 

Eventually we got married so it worked out pretty well for me, haha!

[WhoompThereItIs]

2 hours ago, MargaretElliott said:

All right, this might be TMI (sorry!) but with all the advice flying everywhere, I thought I'd put in my two cents... you might want to get checked out by a doctor before. Just to make sure everything's normal down there. Long story short, I had an underlying medical condition (microperforate hymen, google it) that made sex impossible and attempting it was excruciating. Needed surgery and (as a result of post-surgical vaginismus) LOTS of pelvic floor physical therapy. So to anyone out there for whom sex is painful/impossible, you're not alone. Your first time isn't supposed to hurt. If something's wrong, go to a doctor, and tell them everything, so they can help you. I was so confused and scared, because I never knew my conditions existed. I thought I was broken. Well, I kind of was, but thanks to some fantastic doctors, things got better. It's a lot of hard work and it's emotionally draining, but you can get there 

This might be TMI, but what did that involve?

[Queen]

On 18 januari 2017 at 5:36 AM, JermajestyDuggar said:

No one has ever cared if a male is a virgin because he isn't the one to become pregnant. There were no DNA tests way back then and a man wanted to make sure he wasn't getting a bride that was already pregnant by someone else. He wanted her to carry his offspring and didn't want to care for anyone else's offspring. It's all about the men and their heirs. Women were just a means to getting that heir.

I've read though that there was a time where men did not care much about knowing for sure who's baby it is. Small groups of people raised all their children together. 

Also it took a while for humanity to realize exactly what caused babies. They might have believed it was something entirely else, and then women's "virginities" weren't important.

History is fascinating!

[MargaretElliott]

19 minutes ago, WhoompThereItIs said:

This might be TMI, but what did that involve?

Basically, a lot of Kegels. I also got a vaginal dilator set, which was essentially a bunch of plastic dildos of increasing size. The largest was the size of the average penis, and the smallest was smaller than a tampon. The point is to work your way up gradually. It takes a lot of patience.

ETA; It's a little uncomfortable to talk about this, but if anyone's going through a similar situation, I want to make sure all the details are out there! I was pretty much completely in the dark when dealing with this. All the information I found on the internet was "Take it slow! Relax! You're just nervous!" which wasn't exactly helpful. I wasn't "just nervous," and no amount of relaxing would have helped me. But, y'know, women's health. No one takes it seriously or thinks it matters (except my awesome doctor).

[NakedKnees]

34 minutes ago, devoutjedi said:

My first time: I was all ready to go until we got to it...then I got nervous and dry. It hurt a little bit until I adjusted and then I was fine No blood, no tearing. I felt weird afterwards due to emotional conditioning of losing your virginity being bad but I got over that. It's a learning experience. It was the first time for both of us so we learned together. The most important thing in my opinion is to learn what you like and feel comfortable advocating for it. 

Eventually we got married so it worked out pretty well for me, haha!

My first time was very similar to this. Zero blood but a little pain, mostly due to nerves (and not to get all Penthouse Letters on here, but in retrospect, possibly due to that boyfriend's endowment too). I was a bit sore the next day as well, but about 8 attempts later, it clicked with me- "Hey, there is ZERO pain now" and that's how it's been since!

The whole "virginity" thing did mess with me emotionally for a while.... and I thought I was in a community as different from Fundieland as could be. I was really into sex education, I had all the puberty books and was obsessed with Scarletteen and sex-positive communities like that, but I still bought into some myths that I wish hadn't been sold to me. For one, I'd been "sexually active" (by current NakedKnees standards) for two years at that "v-card" point, and thought it was going to be a profound change. It wasn't. My first kiss and sexual interactions with a partner were MUCH more important. Second, I bought into the concept that sexual pleasure is just more "difficult" for women to achieve than men. Bullshit!

Perhaps most important, I went on to have several sex partners beyond that first one and didn't lose a single piece of my heart in the process. I was ready on that level and don't regret it one bit.

20 minutes ago, Queen said:

I've read though that there was a time where men did not care much about knowing for sure who's baby it is. Small groups of people raised all their children together. 

Also it took a while for humanity to realize exactly what caused babies. They might have believed it was something entirely else, and then women's "virginities" weren't important.

History is fascinating!

The book Sex at Dawn really digs into this concept and is a super interesting read. The basic idea is that in nomadic society, communities had more to gain by not necessarily worrying too hard about biological paternity (more childcare so that kid can grow up and help everyone), and post-agriculture societies have had more to gain by obsessing about paternity (passing wealth through generations).

[Carm_88]

10 minutes ago, NakedKnees said:

My first time was very similar to this. Zero blood but a little pain, mostly due to nerves (and not to get all Penthouse Letters on here, but in retrospect, possibly due to that boyfriend's endowment too). I was a bit sore the next day as well, but about 8 attempts later, it clicked with me- "Hey, there is ZERO pain now" and that's how it's been since!

I was sore the next day too. Which is funny because it's the same soreness I get now when I do squats. It's just using muscles that you don't necessarily use. It wasn't bad which is a good thing. My boyfriend was more experienced, patient, and asked me constantly if it was ok. 

My sex education was pretty good, I think it was that we had a young female teacher, and we did it with all girls in junior high. She talked about abstinence but we also talked about condoms (with the banana and how to put them on) and other forms of birth control. Consent was a major issue and not being afraid to say no and stop. Also bad sex, which I didn't understand at the time because how bad could it be? 14 year old me was a dreamer. 

[front hugs > duggs]

My first time was...good. Nothing dramatic either way. It didn't hurt (at least enough for it to have made an impact on my memory), I didn't bleed, and after it was over I felt the same. Losing your virginity gets so hyped, I just thought it was an average experience (not mindblowing, certainly not bad or traumatic) and I'm actually pretty happy with that.

I lost my virginity about 9-10 years ago now ( is it bad I can't remember?) and am now happily married with a few sexual partners in between. Sometimes, I still bleed ever so slightly every once in a while with my husband. TMI- never on the bed or anything, but when I use the bathroom after (always immediately after due to frequent UTIs), there is sometimes a spot then.

I think it's good to share all our stories to show that nothing is "normal" and there is no one way to lose your v-card. Thank you everyone for sharing

 

Edited to add: I thought I would feel different after it was over, which I didn't. If someone asked me like 4 hours later if I was a virgin, I would have answered 'yes' without thinking. But I think all life events are hyped as being life-changing, and generally I feel unchanged (graduating HS, then college, then getting engaged, and now getting married).

[General Jinjur]

I lost my v-card and discovered that I'm allergic to latex on the same day. So that was fun.

[LaPeleona]

4 hours ago, samurai_sarah said:

Personally, I think it's refreshing to read some honest accounts.

I agree. I think convos like this are really important. Seeing all these varied experiences is not only interesting but does a lot of mythbusting. 

It's interesting to me that so many people remember their first times with so much detail! I don't really remember the specifics of my first time. It was just kind of a natural progression of sexual things that my partner and I were all ready doing. I do remember no bleeding or pain though.

[samurai_sarah]

4 minutes ago, LaPeleona said:

I agree. I think convos like this are really important. Seeing all these varied experiences is not only interesting but does a lot of mythbusting. 

It's interesting to me that so many people remember their first times with so much detail! I don't really remember the specifics of my first time. It was just kind of a natural progression of sexual things that my partner and I were all ready doing. I do remember no bleeding or pain though.

I'm with you. Especially on the myth-busting. My first time was nice, albeit forgettable, and all I recall clearly is thinking "why do people make such a fuss about this?".

[ScorpiousMalfoy]

50 minutes ago, General Jinjur said:

I lost my v-card and discovered that I'm allergic to latex on the same day. So that was fun.

I'm so sorry! It must've been awful. Allergies are the worst.

Since everyone is TMI'ing, mine first time was really painful and ended quickly because the pain was too much for me. It hurt a few times after that too, before we thought about buying lube. 

[DaniLouisiana]

Okay I have a question, just out of plain old cat curiousity-the ladies that it hurt the first time you did the "deed", how many of y'all are red heads? My reason for asking is this: 1-I'm studying immunology next week and my quick scan of the textbook has a section that deals with the perception of pain and 2-my fantastic lady PCP has mentioned to me on numerous visits that gingers have a higher perception of pain, followed by blondes. Brunettes/Ravens have the highest pain tolerence according to what she's studied. FYI-I'm a ginger, she's a blonde. She's fantastic in making sure that I have good pain control to the point of texting me reminders to not let the pain get ahead of me.