Joy and Austin: dating with a purpose .... or something (part 4)

[onekidanddone]

11 hours ago, Nashville92 said:

I feel embarrassed saying this but it's prety obvious I'm a virgin, and I'm planning on waiting till I'm married.  But the first time I went to the OB/GYN a few years ago for a pap smear it hurt so bad I almost cried.  My doctor had to do it twice because the first time she used a brush like tool and it wouldn't fit.  I was mortified.  Now I'm almost afraid about if I ever have sex how much pain I'll be in

Find another doctor.  Really you don't want to forgo taking care of your health.  Find one you can talk to first before the PAP is done.  Tell her/him your concerns. A good GYN should be able to do the test and have it not hurt.

[socalrules]

It's possible you are so tensing up, which makes it worse. I do that. My doctor has told me on numerous occasions to relax, and when I do, it's so much easier. It's why she usually tries to distract me with idol chitchat while she is doing the exam. When I am distracted, I am always surprised when the exam is over. I always start stressing out about the exam a few days before and tend to rile myself up once I actually get there. I can never sleep the night before.  Same thing with the dentist. I am always told to relax and unclinch my jaw. Apparently, it's hard to clean teeth when the patient won't open their mouth all the way. I am just a mess but yet I have no problem with a root canal, having a filling or deep cleaning but a basic cleaning stresses me out. I think because they don't numb me for basic cleaning so I imagine it's going to be painful when it's not. 

[VeganCupcake]

47 minutes ago, socalrules said:

It's possible you are so tensing up, which makes it worse. I do that. My doctor has told me on numerous occasions to relax, and when I do, it's so much easier. It's why she usually tries to distract me with idol chitchat while she is doing the exam. When I am distracted, I am always surprised when the exam is over. I always start stressing out about the exam a few days before and tend to rile myself up once I actually get there. I can never sleep the night before.  Same thing with the dentist. I am always told to relax and unclinch my jaw. Apparently, it's hard to clean teeth when the patient won't open their mouth all the way. I am just a mess but yet I have no problem with a root canal, having a filling or deep cleaning but a basic cleaning stresses me out. I think because they don't numb me for basic cleaning so I imagine it's going to be painful when it's not. 

Omg the dental hygienist is THE WORST. I hate the terrible scraping tool it's like nails on a chalkboard. However I have never been stressed about the gynecologist even my first time. I feel like American culture hypes it up to be something awkward and uncomfortable when it's not. 

[DaniLouisiana]

@socalrules, my DD has to have Valium the night before a cleaning and the morning of or she vomits the entire night. She does okay at OB/GYN as far as I know- she hasn't been since the trauma of her ex.

[Bethella]

On 1/20/2017 at 0:22 AM, Audrey2 said:

This thread drift has given me food for thought. After reading your stories, I wondered what would happen if a Fundie (not any specific fundie) had the same issue that a couple of you mentioned, when you had the microperforated hymen or vaginismus and needed to seek medical attention to break it. Would they even be allowed to see a doctor to do this, or would their husband keep pounding away (sorry, no double meaning, but that seemed the best word) until he made it in or decided to stop. Would anyone counsel them to see a doctor; that is, would they talk to anyone about it? If the wife was supposed to be joyfully available, how would this work if she were unable to physically be available?

In this probably not so hypothetical situation, given how many Fundies there are, my heart would break for this woman. I can't imagine the shame and self doubt she'd face, possibly compounded by her husband. While some Fundie men would want to work with their wives, others (Michael Pearl comes to mind, only because his and Debi's honeymoon has been written about and you can find it on the Ineternet) would berate their new wife, and tell them they aren't Holy enough. 

Deborah Feldman talks about her experiences with vaginismus in her book Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of My Hasidic Roots. One of the things she notes is that the condition is most common in women who grow up in repressive religious environments.

[LaPeleona]

5 hours ago, onekidanddone said:

Find another doctor.  Really you don't want to forgo taking care of your health.  Find one you can talk to first before the PAP is done.  Tell her/him your concerns. A good GYN should be able to do the test and have it not hurt.

I second this. Sounds like your current doc ought to checkout the most recent guidelines around paps anyway. Don't know your situation but doesn't really sound like you needed a pap based on current recommendations and guidelines. Again though don't know your history. Definitely it should be as painful as described.

[backyard sylph]

21 hours ago, Nashville92 said:

I feel embarrassed saying this but it's prety obvious I'm a virgin, and I'm planning on waiting till I'm married.  But the first time I went to the OB/GYN a few years ago for a pap smear it hurt so bad I almost cried.  My doctor had to do it twice because the first time she used a brush like tool and it wouldn't fit.  I was mortified.  Now I'm almost afraid about if I ever have sex how much pain I'll be in

Besides the fact that your doctor might not be the nicest at this as others have said, your body is not hormonally preparing you for intercourse during your pap smear. Naturally you feel kind of invaded. :-) When the time comes, you'll be with someone you love, who loves you, and you'll have done a little advanced reading, hopefully will have discussed it with him a little bit, too. Given some warm-up time, your body will make itself ready, and while there might be a little pain, chances are your joy at being together will override it.

But you should see another gyn and have him or her tell you your internal workings are ordinary, as most are, or if there's anything you need to know. That's part of their job besides taking samples.

[kunoichi66]

On 21/01/2017 at 4:33 AM, nickelodeon said:

Lilith, right?

Oh, I like you

[Kailash]

13 hours ago, VeganCupcake said:

Omg the dental hygienist is THE WORST. I hate the terrible scraping tool it's like nails on a chalkboard. However I have never been stressed about the gynecologist even my first time. I feel like American culture hypes it up to be something awkward and uncomfortable when it's not. 

Re: the bolded- I can't quite figure out how to word this so bear with me. For me, it wasn't anything that American culture hyped up, so much as being taught from a very young age that sex is wrong, dirty, etc before marriage, and that belief naturally extends itself to the vagina too. So there was a lot of shame involved in my first pap smear although logically I knew there was nothing to be ashamed about.

 

eta: And no matter how gentle the pap is done, I always bleed during and after. Part of having that friable cervix. It's always uncomfortable and it usually hurts, and I've had many different doctors do the exam.

[CorruptionInc.]

1 hour ago, Kailash said:

eta: And no matter how gentle the pap is done, I always bleed during and after. Part of having that friable cervix. It's always uncomfortable and it usually hurts, and I've had many different doctors do the exam.

I'm the same. I had a radical hysterectomy because of medical crap years ago so I no longer have to have Pap Smears. 

It was definitely uncomfortable but it's such a short period of your life, like injections. However I know plenty of grown men & women who are still very scared of injections.

[Denim Jumper]

17 hours ago, VeganCupcake said:

Omg the dental hygienist is THE WORST. I hate the terrible scraping tool it's like nails on a chalkboard. However I have never been stressed about the gynecologist even my first time. I feel like American culture hypes it up to be something awkward and uncomfortable when it's not. 

Yeah, I mean, I didn't see a gynecologist for the first time until I was 26 years old and pregnant. Mostly out of fear, but also because I couldn't handle the idea of being in such a vulnerable position with a complete stranger. The exam literally took minutes and afterward I was like "That's it??" Of course, 13 years and 3 kids later, I am no more comfortable with it now than I was then.

[mstee]

I bled a little one time after being fingered. Figured it was my hymen tearing. The first time I had sex it felt like putting a tampon in when you don't know what you're doing. Dry and awkward. The guy was a virgin too who was a little too concerned only about himself so that didn't help. I had sex because I just saw it as something to do and get over with. I was not in love. I was 16. So no horror story here, more just a cautionary tale to choose a guy who will worry about you and use some lube for the virgins reading here haha. 

As a Pap smears, they are always uncomfortable for me. I have a tilted cervix and I guess that can make it a little more difficult. I once had a male doctor do it, and I was so sore after that it hurt to walk for a few days. That wasn't cool. Needless to say, I didn't have him do it again. Find a doc you're comfy enough to tell that you're nervous and they should be nice and walk you through it. That's what they do for me every time, even though I know what to expect. 

[backyard sylph]

I'd say definitely have the lubrication handy, but don't assume it will absolutely be required. We're all different, for one thing, and the point of foreplay is to prepare your body for intercourse, with the secretion of fluids to ease entry. Those fluids increase with physical desire, and you will note they differ in amount throughout your monthly cycle; Nature's signal for when you are ready to do some populatin'. Some women produce them more or less swiftly, to a greater or lesser degree, than others.

If you are touching intimately and he waits until you feel like you can't bear for him not to be there, you will be ready. If you are unmarried and therefore (I'll assume,) using condoms—communicative married or partnered people work out whether they should or not—it can be put on a little ahead of time so there's no risk or fumbling when the moment is right.

This message brought to you by a discussion yesterday between my and my 26 year-old, who puts things more bluntly than do I.

[Jinder Roles]

Wow. This is way better sex education than I received in high school (which was basically none. Very Mean Girls-esque) 

Thank you all. Wish I could up-vote a thousand times  

[QuiverDance]

I don't even remember if I bled the first time I had sex.  It did hurt a little the first few times, but that didn't stop me.

[Scrabblemaster]

On 22.1.2017 at 7:51 AM, VeganCupcake said:

Omg the dental hygienist is THE WORST. I hate the terrible scraping tool it's like nails on a chalkboard. However I have never been stressed about the gynecologist even my first time. I feel like American culture hypes it up to be something awkward and uncomfortable when it's not. 

I hate these dental hygienist too. It feels as if i ate some sand. 

And i have to say that the moment i was more afraid of my appointment at the dentist than of the appointment at my gynecologist i knew i had found my perfect gyn. 

[Pasta]

I love my dental hygienist. We have such a great time and the cleaning goes quickly. She even whitens for free. 

When did TLC decide that the duggars was a better sitcom (albeit a terrible one) than a reality show? I'd rather see the kids sitting around bored than more stupid episodes about the cocky and blah married duggars.

Go back to letting the shit fly instead of planning and creating drama. 

[VeganCupcake]

5 hours ago, Pasta said:

I love my dental hygienist. We have such a great time and the cleaning goes quickly. She even whitens for free. 

When did TLC decide that the duggars was a better sitcom (albeit a terrible one) than a reality show? I'd rather see the kids sitting around bored than more stupid episodes about the cocky and blah married duggars.

Go back to letting the shit fly instead of planning and creating drama. 

True let's see what the howlers are up to. Maybe they can't focus on the JB&M family anymore per their sponsors? 

[TShirtsLongSkirts]

I am so grateful for this thread drift. After I lost my virginity, I spent a long time worrying I was weird because I didn't enjoy sex and it really hurt. That just made me more nervous and exacerbated the problem, which went on for years. I wish I had been able to read these comments then, and I'm happy that maybe some young women can read this and be more educated than I was!

My tip would be to get to know your body well and thoroughly before having sex for the first time! 

[JillyO]

This is reminding me of a conversation I had with a few friends a couple of weeks ago. There was one (female) American friend there, and the rest of us were all German. We were talking about sex ed for some reason, and at some point the American was just like "I'm so jealous of the sex ed you got. I didn't have an orgasm until I was, like, 20." I felt so bad for her. I feel so bad for all Americans (and anyone anywhere, for that matter) who don't receive proper sex ed because of religious nutjobs and suffer the consequences (be it unwanted pregnancies, STIs, no pleasure from sex, being shamed for perfectly normal things like masturbation or having sex, ...).

[just_ordinary]

More TMI here:

When I lost my virginity I was definitely ready, meaning crazy in love and aroused (no lubrication needed- till today). It still hurt and I did bleed quite a bit. I used Tampons the years before and never had trouble or pain. 

It is different for everyone and you will only know how it is for you when you do it. Just make sure you really want to do it. It might hurt, it might feel awesome, you might bleed or not, you will reach orgasm or not. As long as you wanted it it will be alright. And if it wasn't the most desirable experience, be assured that it will get better (right partner and stuff of course).

[sunshine]

I wonder will Joy make Jill her mother of honor number 2 because she helped raised her. I think that would be sweet and game changer.

[allthegoodnamesrgone]

43 minutes ago, sunshine said:

I wonder will Joy make Jill her mother of honor number 2 because she helped raised her. I think that would be sweet and game changer.

I see Jill being the Matron of honour, Jilly muffin would never allow for anyone to disparage mommy like that, not to mention Boob would veto it before she could finish the question. 

[seraaa]

On 1/21/2017 at 4:15 PM, Nashville92 said:

I feel embarrassed saying this but it's prety obvious I'm a virgin, and I'm planning on waiting till I'm married.  But the first time I went to the OB/GYN a few years ago for a pap smear it hurt so bad I almost cried.  My doctor had to do it twice because the first time she used a brush like tool and it wouldn't fit.  I was mortified.  Now I'm almost afraid about if I ever have sex how much pain I'll be in

I'm in the same boat, bar the 'for religious reasons' bit. I just haven't met anyone where the fear/mortification level/intense self-consciousness was less than the impulse to do the deed 

My first pap smear was also painful, and I'm a baby so I didn't even let her go through with it. This is something I'm also quite worried about. How do you even work out of the pain is psychologically or physically induced? I thought I was relaxed, but given my aversion to everything to do with this subject,  perhaps  I was not. 

Womanhood is inconvenient. idk

[buggers]

4 hours ago, sunshine said:

I wonder will Joy make Jill her mother of honor number 2 because she helped raised her. I think that would be sweet and game changer.

I'm curious who she will chose. I assume it will be a sister, but who is she close to? Maybe Jill? Or Jana - they seem closer now that the other girls are gone.