I don't want to be fundy anymore

[raineymott]

Have you gotten the book, Evie? The chapter after the one I quoted from has a lot of really good info on dealing with the guy after you leave him.

[luckylibrarian]

Evie,

How are you? Please post an update if you can.

[GenerationCedarchip]

I've been pondering the best way to secure documents (and other small valuables). If you need a handy hiding place and for some reason a safe deposit box is out, if you have a cat, hide the docs under the cat litter liner. Somehow I doubt it is a place he or your kids like to visit often. ;) Also, although original docs are best, try to scan them into a flash drive and you can hide it just about anywhere.

If there is no way to get a safe deposit box for a decent rate, other ways to store documents are: (1) with a trusted friend (2) with your lawyer, if you have one or (3) sometimes a women's shelter will hold docs for a short time if they know you're in the process of leaving. No matter what you do - always have copies of any and all important docs. I'm also PM-ing you a few links to places that may help you in your area.

[Evie Teale]

Hi everyone!

I am fine. I went to the military legal office last week and discovered that if I can hold out til January, not only can I have half my husband's retirement, but I can keep my medical benefits and commissary shopping benefits. The medical benefits will be a huge deal (it's not the best quality, but it's free). My oldest kids, teenagers, are aware of the situation and "relieved" (their word).

I am seeing a therapist weekly, but we are still arguing with my doctor over medication. Did I say the healthcare is not the best quality? I should have it by the end of this week, though. My therapist says a lot of the depression is situational, and will be better when I leave. She is very supportive and encouraging, as well as a snappy dresser (we talked about my wardrobe one day, because, honestly, it is just awful). I am learning so much about myself and what I really want from my life.

I did get the book, "Why Does He Do That," as well as one called "Nurture Shock" that had been suggested in a different thread. WOW! I started reading them over the weekend while my husband was out and they are both very eye-opening. I ordered one about emotional abuse, too, because it wasn't available on Kindle, and had it sent to my post office box. It was suggested in the reviews of the "Why Does He" book.

I got access to the checking account back after several days. That was quite an ordeal. I think he suspects something, but can't prove it, and thought if he took the money away, I couldn't leave. I guess...I don't know how his mind works. I am still socking away my own money. I have about $450 now, after I bought the books.

I am wondering what our knight is going to have to say to me. I think it will either be the Pearl answer (Doug can't be responsible if a crazy person uses his materials the wrong way) or the standard fundy answer (you were never saved to begin with). I'm sure it will NOT be the correct answer: patriarchy doesn't work, ever. It is a tool used to oppress and degrade, and it steals lives. I had better stop there. Maybe I should save my ranting for the knight. If he lays into me, I hope some of you will slap him for me. You guys are honestly scary :twisted: , but in a good way. I wish you could meet my husband. :lol:

Thanks for the continued encouragement. Between what you've written here, in PMs, and on the blog, it is like my own little support group. I reread it often, especially on bad days.

Edited for extra words

[raineymott]

I can't speak for the others, but I'm glad to help where I can. I know it's a huge thing and terrifying and you NEED a lot of support!!

[BravaAmica]

Very relieved to hear from you. Happy you consulted an attorney. Is there a way your FXDH would find out about that? And now that your older kids know, they can be allies in maintaining the charade. Please be sure to caution them that they are not to say ONE word to ANYONE, not even that friend who won't tell.

[thetabmeister]

Evie, I have been following your story with interest and concern and want to say that I support you 100% and am so happy that you are taking steps toward a better way of life. There will be some long, dark days ahead, but keep looking forward to when you will be Freeeeeeeee! Even though I'm a complete stranger to you, but I'm PROUD of you for doing what is best for you and your children. Sending encouragement & positive thoughts from my corner of the world. :)

[Guest Anonymous]

Like others here I support you Evie, thank you for sharing your journey.

[Lainey]

Evie, I have been following your story with interest and concern and want to say that I support you 100% and am so happy that you are taking steps toward a better way of life. There will be some long, dark days ahead, but keep looking forward to when you will be Freeeeeeeee! Even though I'm a complete stranger to you, but I'm PROUD of you for doing what is best for you and your children. Sending encouragement & positive thoughts from my corner of the world. :)

Dittopants. (What? :shock: )

[Evie Teale]

They have lived with my husband long enough to know not to say a word. We all had a good talk where I apologized for allowing this treatment to take place and they forgave me and expressed happiness that their little brothers and sisters won't have to live as they have. They are concerned about the lifestyle change and if "Dad will hate them". I comforted them as best I could, but I wonder about these things, too.

The base legal office is confidential, they won't confirm that I was even there if asked. I do have to get a civilian attorney, though, as they won't represent either of us. Generationcedarchip just sent me some links to help me find an attorney, as well as some other help, so I need to get that all in place.

I'm going to start using FXDH. I like that.

Thanks, thetabmeister. The support and encouragement from this forum has been overwhelming. So much for that ebil reputation.

[Austin]

Many ((((hugs)))), Evie. You are very brave and we are all proud of you. Come back here whenever you need a quick word of encouragement (ack, did that sound too fundie?) or just to snark with us!

You CAN do this!

[raineymott]

The support and encouragement from this forum has been overwhelming. So much for that ebil reputation.

Haha, yeah...this forum has been a TREMENDOUS help to me, coming out of fundieland, as well!!

[Evie Teale]

Thanks also to experienced and Lainey (I think, dittopants??) and Austin.

Whenever I post here, I always read back my posts with the sad violin in the background :violin: . I just sound pitiful to myself, but I love the kind words. My therapist says I actually have a very strong personality, but I've surpressed it so long I don't feel comfortable in it yet.

Here's some trivia about me, that I only remembered at my last therapy session. When I was in college I subscribed to Ms. magazine and belonged to the Students for Choice. I also used to read Alice Walker and Toni Morrison.

It stuns me how far I've travelled from myself.

[clarinetpower]

Evie, I am so proud of you.

I have a friend who is also in the midst of an awful, abusive marriage (though her husband is not religious) and it so hard to watch her struggle and not be able to do more. (They live overseas.)

Keep strong, and keep planning. Also, keep fooling him. Sounds like he's pretty easily fooled, but you no longer are. That's a very good thing. :D

Also, I agree with keeping important documents off-site. If he somehow makes it impossible for you to grab what you need, you will still be able to get what you require.

May I make a really silly suggestion? If you have a Kohl's in your area, get a Kohl's card. Their sales are amazing, their clearance is awesome, and they mail you coupons for 10-30% off all the time. I have seen stuff go down to 90% off + coupon--you could start building a wardrobe that makes you feel like you again, for very little. :) I puffy heart Kohl's.

[emmiedahl]

I am glad you are making so much progress! I think you are much stronger and more resilient than you give yourself credit for.

I would only hold out until January if you think it is safe. Money is important, but safety more so. Have an immediate escape plan so you can bail if shit hits the fan. Do you have a friend in the area who can take you and your kids at any time? When a friend of mine was having similar issues, I offered to be a safe house if she needed one because her husband did not know where I lived. If any FJers are in your area, I am sure they will help. I live in Central Washington, are you anywhere near me?

[Evie Teale]

First, Kohl's. I used to shop there sometimes. I think there is one in the nearest big city. I will check it out after my next therapy appt. My wardrobe consists mainly of 2 denim skirts and a bunch of Wal-Mart tops. I usually wear sneakers or a pair of leather slip-ons. I have a couple of khaki and navy skirts I wear to church. I have a bunch of other clothes that are outdated or uncomfortable or really, really ugly. I hate the way I look, so having something up to date or even fashionable would be heaven. I also need a hair cut--no, I need a hair style. I have very thin hair that straggles around my shoulders most of the time.

Second, I live about 450 miles from Seattle, to the southeast. I have one friend at church who knows what I am planning. Her mother left her father after 31 years of really bad abuse, so she is very sympathetic and understands the situation. She is my "safe house" if I have to leave suddenly. I should probably put a copy of all my documents at her house, just in case. You guys are full of so many good ideas.

My husband hates that church (it's too liberal for him) and rarely goes with me, and she won't say a word to him anyway. I'm not even sure he knows her name. Since she is a single mom (never married) and her baby is "ethnic," he wouldn't give her the time of day anyway.

[Guest Anonymous]

First, Kohl's. I used to shop there sometimes. I think there is one in the nearest big city. I will check it out after my next therapy appt. My wardrobe consists mainly of 2 denim skirts and a bunch of Wal-Mart tops. I usually wear sneakers or a pair of leather slip-ons. I have a couple of khaki and navy skirts I wear to church. I have a bunch of other clothes that are outdated or uncomfortable or really, really ugly. I hate the way I look, so having something up to date or even fashionable would be heaven. I also need a hair cut--no, I need a hair style. I have very thin hair that straggles around my shoulders most of the time.

Second, I live about 450 miles from Seattle, to the southeast. I have one friend at church who knows what I am planning. Her mother left her father after 31 years of really bad abuse, so she is very sympathetic and understands the situation. She is my "safe house" if I have to leave suddenly. I should probably put a copy of all my documents at her house, just in case. You guys are full of so many good ideas.

My husband hates that church (it's too liberal for him) and rarely goes with me, and she won't say a word to him anyway. I'm not even sure he knows her name. Since she is a single mom (never married) and her baby is "ethnic," he wouldn't give her the time of day anyway.

If you want to get your hair styled and cut, you could check out the hairdressing schools, either in your current area or where you're planning to go. Your hair would be cut and styled by students, but they'd be under the supervision of licensed teachers. The cost of having your hair done at a hairdressing school is typicall between half and one-fifth what you'd pay at a commercial salon. I'm thinking about you, and I hope all works out well for you. Good luck!

*I take part of what I said back. You'd be better off waiting until you leave, so he doesn't get tipped off ahead of time,

[Sola]

. You guys are honestly scary :twisted: , but in a good way. I wish you could meet my husband. :lol:

Thanks for the continued encouragement. Between what you've written here, in PMs, and on the blog, it is like my own little support group. I reread it often, especially on bad days.

Edited for extra words

Sweetie, this heathen, feminist, bolshie, atheist would absolutely LOVE to meet your husband. However I doubt very much he would enjoy meeting me :lol:

That actually got me to thinking what your husband's face would look like if a knock came to the door, he answered it and a whole load of FreeJingerites came in to show him the error of his ways...

Next time you feel down, picture that one. I challenge you to do that and NOT get a smile on your face :dance:

[synchroswimr]

Sweetie, this heathen, feminist, bolshie, atheist would absolutely LOVE to meet your husband. However I doubt very much he would enjoy meeting me :lol:

That actually got me to thinking what your husband's face would look like if a knock came to the door, he answered it and a whole load of FreeJingerites came in to show him the error of his ways...

Next time you feel down, picture that one. I challenge you to do that and NOT get a smile on your face :dance:

Another board I'm on calls it the AKB - Ass-kicking brigade. I'd happily join up in this case.

*hug to Evie*

[2xx1xy1JD]

I'm glad you got advice and are making progress. I just wanted to mention a few extra things, as a divorce lawyer (not in your jurisdiction):

1. Use this time to become as strong as you can be. By the time you do leave, you need to feel that you will be strong and capable and able to stand on your own. When you've been in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship for so long, that's not easy. I've had cases where it felt that I was dealing with a teenager in a woman's body, because she never had a chance to develop intellectually or emotionally while in the relationship.

2. Be prepared for the bullying that will occur when you leave. It's not uncommon for husbands to react with some version of "she's clearly going crazy and having a mental breakdown". If you have the support of your therapist and can say, "yes, it was a case of SITUATIONAL depression, I'm being treated successfully and am doing much better away from him, and I am capable of living on my own and raising my kids", you will be in a better position.

3. If there is any physical violence or threats, call 911 and get out immediately. Otherwise, plan carefully, so that when you do leave, you don't look back. One of the big issues I see is that women leave when they are not prepared to be on their own, and then give in to pressure from the former partner, family and community to go back. Once she returns, any of the resources that she had to help her are lost - court applications are abandoned, the lawyer is no longer on the case, the police get frustrated, shelter workers are no longer involved, etc. In more extreme cases, going back actually caused child protection authorities to become involved with some of my cases. In many of the cases, it also made it far more difficult during court proceedings the next time that they left.

4. "Alternate dispute resolution" is the big buzzword in some places, and you may be asked to consider mediation. Sitting down and working things out amicably sounds really nice in theory....but it can be a real problem when dealing with a patriarchal bully. Let your lawyer know exactly the sort of person your husband is. Don't go into any negotiations without a lawyer beside you. In my experience, some of these men will continue to be tough bullies...until they get into a courtroom and have to face a judge. Some judges are more intimidating and willing to yell than others, so find a lawyer with experience in your local court, and listen to their advice. Do NOT, under any circumstances, agree to have family, friends or religious figures get involved.

5. Once you do split, continue the counselling, and look for counselling that specifically addresses post-divorce communication and parenting. Unless he was a total monster, he'll still have access to the kids. You were taught a completely dysfunctional pattern of pasting a smile on and pretending to be okay with his decisions, while silently raging inside. You will need to unlearn that. Instead, you will need to learn how to calmly but firmly state your position, without feeling intimidated and without being concerned by what his reaction may be. It takes real time and effort to learn these skills, but it needs to be done.

[Austin]

First, Kohl's. I used to shop there sometimes. I think there is one in the nearest big city. I will check it out after my next therapy appt. My wardrobe consists mainly of 2 denim skirts and a bunch of Wal-Mart tops. I usually wear sneakers or a pair of leather slip-ons. I have a couple of khaki and navy skirts I wear to church. I have a bunch of other clothes that are outdated or uncomfortable or really, really ugly. I hate the way I look, so having something up to date or even fashionable would be heaven. I also need a hair cut--no, I need a hair style. I have very thin hair that straggles around my shoulders most of the time.

Second, I live about 450 miles from Seattle, to the southeast. I have one friend at church who knows what I am planning. Her mother left her father after 31 years of really bad abuse, so she is very sympathetic and understands the situation. She is my "safe house" if I have to leave suddenly. I should probably put a copy of all my documents at her house, just in case. You guys are full of so many good ideas.

My husband hates that church (it's too liberal for him) and rarely goes with me, and she won't say a word to him anyway. I'm not even sure he knows her name. Since she is a single mom (never married) and her baby is "ethnic," he wouldn't give her the time of day anyway.

What size do you wear?

[alphaeta08]

Hi Evie! I don't usually comment on things this serious because I feel like I never have anything useful to say, but I just wanted to tell you how inspiring I've found your story. It must be terrifying, and other people have given you great advice to deal with the practical stuff, but I know you're going to do wonderfully in your new life! I can't wait to hear about your future successes! Like I said, not very useful, but hey, I can "do" encouragement! :mrgreen:

P.S. I'd like to meet your soon-to-be-ex, too... :twisted:

[Evie Teale]

Sola, I'm laughing so hard. I will keep that image in my mind :lol: . If you only knew how a mob of angry, ebil feminists (and lesbians) would be his biggest nightmare. Oh, Lord, that is the funniest thing I've thought of in a long time!

AKB :clap:

Seriously, 2xx1xy1JD, you are awesome. Thank you for some very good advice. I take every bit of it to heart. Another poster on FJ, who has been through the fundy divorce, reminded me that I have a therapist to cry to, that's not what the lawyer is for. I really take that seriously. My biggest issue is that my FXDH intimidates me so badly. This is something I am working on in therapy. I do not doubt that he will try to say I'm crazy, but at leaast I have a care plan and am seeking help. He just continues to deny he has any issues.

Anyway, thanks so much.

[Evie Teale]

Austin,

I am proud to say I am down to an 18. Thanks to my doctor, who put me on a "nutritional plan" (is "diet" a dirty word now?) because I have arthritis, I have lost 22 lbs since May. I have 38 to go, and lose about 2 lbs per week. That is why most of my clothes are uncomfortable and ill-fitting. They are ugly because I shop at thrift stores. I swear I'm going to burn the whole lot. I'm going to have a frumper bonfire.

[Bookworm]

It might be wise not to change your appearnce too much quite yet, though, since that can be a tip-off for guys - I have heard of women who just wanted to lose weight whose husbands freaked thinking she was going to leave - maybe those who have clothes to donate can store them up and send them to you all at once when you leave?