I don't want to be fundy anymore

[Evie Teale]

Dear Free Jingerites,

I have been lurking around here for a while, and, while I disagree sometimes, some of the comments you have made have helped me realize that I no longer wish to be what I am.

If I had been keeping a blog for most of my marriage, I would probably have been snarked on here regularly. I have 7 kids. Right now, I am wearing a denim skirt with tennis shoes and a clearance shirt from Walmart, because these are the clothes I have. I make Michelle Duggar look fashionable. I have the Maxwells books--almost all of them. I even have a sample schedule in the MOTH book. I have read the Pearls, even "Holy Sex." I spent wasted years trying to discipline childhood out of my beautiful children. I have been the meek and quiet doormat I was supposed to be, and now I can't stand my husband. I look forward to him leaving for work and dread his homecoming.

I started feeling this way about 2 years ago, after my 7th child was born, but it had been brewing for a few years before that. I worked up the courage to ask my husband for a divorce about 6 months ago, but he made me feel so guilty, I ended up "giving him a chance" to fix our marriage. Nothing has changed--he is still the close-minded, arrogant, know-it-all that he has always been. He sits reverently in church while judging everyone there.

I realized today, while reading the thread on Terri Maxwell's book, that I am impotent to act on my feelings because of depression. I don't know, maybe I have even more serious issues than just depression. I can't say.

I had started a blog a few months ago to sort out some of my feelings about my life and marriage, but left it almost untouched. Today I wrote a rather painful post about my depression, inspired by what some of you were saying about Terri. I am calling for a mental health appointment tomorrow.

I have several posts in draft because it is very difficult for me to write about my feelings. I am afraid my husband will find it somehow, even though I have taken many precautions to hide my identity. If you are inclined to read my ramblings, the blog is here:

PM me for the link

As I said, most of it is still in draft. I just hope I don't sound whiney :violin:

Thanks,

Evie Teale

[Chrystal-J]

Hello Evie and welcome to the site. Sorry to hear you're going through this painful time. I'll check out your blog.

[Deleted02]

Hello and welcome. I'm sorry you are going through this. You are among friends.

[Visionoyahweh]

Welcome. After reading you blog I can see why you're unhappy. There's always time to change. Escaping fundiehood and a crappy marriage will be like a breath of fresh air!

[Guest Anonymous]

Hi there! I was very touched by your blog. Congratulations on getting out of a tough marriage, and starting therapy.

[pebbles]

Welcome to Free Jinger, Evie! I'm glad you've concealed your identity, that's really important when it comes to questioning your current lifestyle and/or leaving it entirely. You'll find plenty of support here, and remember it's never too late to make a fresh start. There's always hope, never give up!

[clibbyjo]

I read your blog. You only need 3 classes to have your degree, tell your husband you need to get that degree so he can "farm" when he retires in a year. In reality, you can kick his ass to the curb, put your kids in school(if you want, I do know full time working ,homeschooling moms) and get on with your life.

And this time, don't quit the Prozac. Psych. drugs are there for a reason.(Lexapro is mine)

Keep us informed, it is stories like yours that keep us going. Another woman who thinks for herself is a success story. :)

[Guest Anonymous]

I read your blog. You only need 3 classes to have your degree, tell your husband you need to get that degree so he can "farm" when he retires in a year. In reality, you can kick his ass to the curb, put your kids in school(if you want, I do know full time working ,homeschooling moms) and get on with your life.

And this time, don't quit the Prozac. Psych. drugs are there for a reason.(Lexapro is mine)

Keep us informed, it is stories like yours that keep us going. Another woman who thinks for herself is a success story. :)

+1.

You're taking steps to make your life better, which will make your kids' lives better, too. It sounds like you are done with your husband, which in my opinion will make your journey out of fundamentalism easier than if you were attempting to work with a spouse who was still drinking the kool-aid. If you do divorce him you might have better luck getting him to help support the kids (via court order, if necessary.)

[Beeks]

I have a funny feeling about this one. Just tossing that out.

[cjsmom]

Welcome. I honour you for your bravery and courage.

[Guest Anonymous]

oh stupid me. i just realized you haven't left your husband. ugh, i really put my foot in my mouth.

But still, you deserve congratulations for being honest, seeing the problems in your life, and talking about them. That's always the first step!

[latraviata]

Dear Free Jingerites,

I have been lurking around here for a while, and, while I disagree sometimes, some of the comments you have made have helped me realize that I no longer wish to be what I am.

If I had been keeping a blog for most of my marriage, I would probably have been snarked on here regularly. I have 7 kids. Right now, I am wearing a denim skirt with tennis shoes and a clearance shirt from Walmart, because these are the clothes I have. I make Michelle Duggar look fashionable. I have the Maxwells books--almost all of them. I even have a sample schedule in the MOTH book. I have read the Pearls, even "Holy Sex." I spent wasted years trying to discipline childhood out of my beautiful children. I have been the meek and quiet doormat I was supposed to be, and now I can't stand my husband. I look forward to him leaving for work and dread his homecoming.

I started feeling this way about 2 years ago, after my 7th child was born, but it had been brewing for a few years before that. I worked up the courage to ask my husband for a divorce about 6 months ago, but he made me feel so guilty, I ended up "giving him a chance" to fix our marriage. Nothing has changed--he is still the close-minded, arrogant, know-it-all that he has always been. He sits reverently in church while judging everyone there.

I realized today, while reading the thread on Terri Maxwell's book, that I am impotent to act on my feelings because of depression. I don't know, maybe I have even more serious issues than just depression. I can't say.

I had started a blog a few months ago to sort out some of my feelings about my life and marriage, but left it almost untouched. Today I wrote a rather painful post about my depression, inspired by what some of you were saying about Terri. I am calling for a mental health appointment tomorrow.

I have several posts in draft because it is very difficult for me to write about my feelings. I am afraid my husband will find it somehow, even though I have taken many precautions to hide my identity. If you are inclined to read my ramblings, the blog is here:

PM me for the link

As I said, most of it is still in draft. I just hope I don't sound whiney :violin:

Thanks,

Evie Teale

Evie I think you are a very strong and courageous woman, ramble and whine as long as you need to, nobody blames you and we will give you all the support, I know I will!

Good luck and stay in touch, you are not alone!

[brashchick]

Welcome to Free Jinger. I wish you the best. It takes courage to think about changing so much about your life, but the rewards can be great. Hang in there.

[meda]

I have a funny feeling about this one. Just tossing that out.

I agree, but I'll give anyone trying to get out the benefit of the doubt until I'm proved wrong. Evie If your legit, then remember that you absolutely have the strength to make the best choices for you and your children.

[Buzzard]

I agree, but I'll give anyone trying to get out the benefit of the doubt until I'm proved wrong. Evie If your legit, then remember that you absolutely have the strength to make the best choices for you and your children.

+1

[CanticleoftheTurning]

Evie, you're incredibly brave for making it even this far. You recognize your depression--many don't. You want to take good care of your kids, and you're even willing to go so far as to divorce your d-bag of a husband. And I use the word "husband" only in the legal sense--he doesn't sound like he's really a husband but your 8th baby. You have an education under your belt, and are only 3 classes away--it takes a lot of courage and strength to get as much done as you have!

I wish my mom had as much strength as you.

We're here for you. You can do it. You're worth taking care of--you take care of 7 kids and one big baby, you can take care of yourself :)

And definitely take that medicine. It's much easier for you to leave fundy-ism if you can get rise above depression. I take Lexapro, and it has helped me immensely.

[Austin]

I read your blog. You only need 3 classes to have your degree, tell your husband you need to get that degree so he can "farm" when he retires in a year. In reality, you can kick his ass to the curb, put your kids in school(if you want, I do know full time working ,homeschooling moms) and get on with your life.

And this time, don't quit the Prozac. Psych. drugs are there for a reason.(Lexapro is mine)

Keep us informed, it is stories like yours that keep us going. Another woman who thinks for herself is a success story. :)

I second this from clibbyjo, and welcome to Free Jinger! It's okay to disagree here - as you may have noticed, we often don't agree with each other!

[Guest Anonymous]

This is the sort of situation where I choose to give the benefit of the doubt. I have feelings about posters sometimes, but as long as they aren't engaging in what I feel to be overt trolling, I let it alone.

I figure that my support is free and I'm already wasting time on the internet.

Evie, if you are 100% legit, I hope you aren't offended. It's a big scary world wide web, and a certain amount of caution/skepticism is standard around here.

[tabitha2]

It is all a bit to pat.Saying All the correct things to get a response.

[Witsec6]

This is the sort of situation where I choose to give the benefit of the doubt. I have feelings about posters sometimes, but as long as they aren't engaging in what I feel to be overt trolling, I let it alone.

I figure that my support is free and I'm already wasting time on the internet.

Evie, if you are 100% legit, I hope you aren't offended. It's a big scary world wide web, and a certain amount of caution/skepticism is standard around here.

This.

Evie, your situation sounds really awful, and I hope that you can get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone, think about phoning the National Alliance on Mental Illness: 1-800-950-NAMI... They can recommend resources, groups, and doctors in your area.

Edit: Illness, not health.

[MonkeyMomma]

Evie, welcome. I agree with everything clibbyjo said (except Effexor is my drug of choice). I pray you stay safe during this difficult time, and keep us posted.

[Bookworm]

Assuming the legitness of your post ;) then welcome and stick around. Life can be SO beautiful and light after depression, don't lose hope.

[Rainbowcolor]

Welcome! So, how did you get your schedule in their book? Fill us in.

[dianapavelovna]

Hey Evie. Reading your blog reminded me of myself in a lot of ways. I've struggled with major depressive cycles for years, since I was a kid. It's difficult, but you can manage it and enjoy your life. I'm glad you're taking steps to address your symptoms and get help. Don't write yourself off as far as your degree and a career are concerned. You've got plenty of time and plenty of life left to enjoy.

Troll disclaimer: If you're a troll, you suck. If not, all the above stands and don't be offended.

[Kitchen Princess]

If you're so close to a degree, and he gives you hell about going back to school, don't put all your eggs in that basket. Your education so far could be enough to help you get a job that would help you put money away for a while until you're ready to go.

Start squirreling money away as much as you can. Skim a little off the grocery bill or whatever you can find it. You need money that no one knows about.

Get back on the meds. Zoloft is my drug of choice.

Good luck to you.