I don't want to be fundy anymore

[raineymott]

When you read "Why Does He Do That", I recommend reading I think it's part 3 first...specifically, "The Abusive Man and the Legal System" pg 291. I don't have my copy next to me to check if that's the right chapter, you'll have to look around...but I think it's the part that would be most helpful right now, in preparation for leaving: it deals with how your husband may manipulate his friends, relatives, your friends and relatives, and even your children, to get back at you. It may even be a good idea to go over some of it with your age-appropriate children, so they can be prepared as well.

[woolgeek]

Delurking...

If you're military, I'm going to assume you have tricare? With prime, you don't need a referral from your PCM to go to mental health practitioners. If your PCM won't give you the medication you need, try making an appointmentt with a civilian psychiatrist. You may need a referral from your therapist but you should be able to get what you need with minimal hassle.

I wish you the best in this difficult time.

[Austin]

Austin,

I am proud to say I am down to an 18. Thanks to my doctor, who put me on a "nutritional plan" (is "diet" a dirty word now?) because I have arthritis, I have lost 22 lbs since May. I have 38 to go, and lose about 2 lbs per week. That is why most of my clothes are uncomfortable and ill-fitting. They are ugly because I shop at thrift stores. I swear I'm going to burn the whole lot. I'm going to have a frumper bonfire.

Well, you just have to be styled by our own clibbyjo, who is THE thrift store queen and one of the most fashionable people I "know" :D . I am also losing weight right now, too, and not buying much because there's not much point if I will just be a different size in a month, so I know what you mean. When you get to where you are comfortable, then you definitely need a few confidence-inducing outfits, and I'm sure you can get all kinds of good advice about that, and maybe even some cool clothes. I personally have a bunch of clothes that are newer, in style, and would love to give them to someone who could use them.

I also don't think you should change your appearance dramatically before you actually leave him. As you lose weight, maybe keep wearing baggy clothes, don't draw his attention to it. That's no way to celebrate weight loss, I know, but if it keeps him off your back, it's worth it.

You should toast some marshmallows over that frumper bonfire!

[annalena]

A couple of pages ago you mentioned your older kids are aware of the situation. How old are they? It's fine if you don't want to give that away, but consider if they are old enough to work, maybe get a part-time job. That could help tremendously during the first couple of months, since it'll give you more time to deal with the little ones and it might be easier to get a job for a teenager than for a ex-quiverfull mom of X (not trying to be mean, just the way it is).

Could be whatever job, I'm thinking waitressing, video rental store, anything like that.

[SheWoreLemon]

Evie, I have a cousin who lives in Pendleton who I am very sure knows of a lawyer who could refer you to a good divorce lawyer as well (I'm not exactly sure where 450 miles SE of Seattle is--that's a pretty big area!). My Pendleton cousin doubtless has contacts further southeast in Oregon if I'm thinking right. I also have family in SE Idaho. Please private message me if that would help you.

Make sure you have a lawyer and don't agree to a mediator. That way the lawyer does the talking for you, and you don't ever have to be in the same room with your ex-husband. When I started my divorce, I was so used to saying, "sure, whatever you want," to avoid an argument that I couldn't stand up for myself at all. If we had done mediation, I would have signed everything away.

[contrary]

another thrift store queen, here! You gotta dig, but you can find good stuff there, for sure. If you're in a smallish town, sometimes the pickins are slim, but larger cities often have fabulous finds. I'd say 90% of my wardrobe is from goodwill and salvation army, and they're brands i could never afford IRL (talbots, banana republic, ann taylor).

[fundifugee]

Evie -- I am happy you read Alice Walker. I can see you channeling your inner Celie (The Color Purple):

Albert: [to Celie] Leaving? Over my dead body. NOW What's wrong with you?

Celie: You a low down dirty dog, that's what's wrong. Time for me to get away from you, and enter into Creation. And your dead body'd be just the welcome mat I need.

I curse you. Until you do right by me everything you think about is gonna crumble!

Until you do right by me, everything you even think about gonna fail!

The jail you planned for me is the one you're gonna rot in.

I'm poor, black, I might even be ugly, but dear God, I'm here. I'm here.

I love that part of the book where she shrugs off the last of the oppressed, downtrodden, hopeless Celie and starts to fight. Gives me chills every time.

[clibbyjo]

Well, you just have to be styled by our own clibbyjo, who is THE thrift store queen and one of the most fashionable people I "know" :D . I am also losing weight right now, too, and not buying much because there's not much point if I will just be a different size in a month, so I know what you mean. When you get to where you are comfortable, then you definitely need a few confidence-inducing outfits, and I'm sure you can get all kinds of good advice about that, and maybe even some cool clothes. I personally have a bunch of clothes that are newer, in style, and would love to give them to someone who could use them.

I also don't think you should change your appearance dramatically before you actually leave him. As you lose weight, maybe keep wearing baggy clothes, don't draw his attention to it. That's no way to celebrate weight loss, I know, but if it keeps him off your back, it's worth it.

You should toast some marshmallows over that frumper bonfire!

Thanks girlfriend! :clap: I live in Western PA., if you live anywhere remotely close or the Megabus goes to your area I will come and get you a whole new rockin' wardrobe at Goodwill for $50.

[nutella addict]

Evie, I am so proud of you for what you're doing to get out, and I send good thoughts and encouragement and my prayers your way. I haven't got much advice and everyone else is full of excellent advice, but I would like to point out that you've just told us approximately where you live again, and just to be safe I'd go through and delete that information too.

We're here to help as much as to snark, and I hope that all continues to move forward for you!

[Soulhuntress]

Evie stay safe and keep us posted. I agree about Goodwill being a most useful source.

[Guest Anonymous]

Goodwill is a great employer too Evie, they give re entry Women flexible hours so that they can deal with school age children. Locally our jobs come with some benefits. Check them out for the clothes, but stay a bit longer and try a job application. They do good things to build community locally where I live.

Keeping you in the light.

[Angri-la]

Evie,

Good for you.

I have lived in Pendleton, and have awesome non fundie friends there. PM me if I can help you; I too am a thriftstore queen, and I sell online, however, a large stash of my clothes are in Pendleton, and I know people who would be really thrilled to help you. PM me, please.

[BravaAmica]

Thanks girlfriend! :clap: I live in Western PA., if you live anywhere remotely close or the Megabus goes to your area I will come and get you a whole new rockin' wardrobe at Goodwill for $50.

Does the Megabus come to Seattle?? Just saying... :D

[nutella addict]

Also, I was rushing off to work earlier, but I wanted to add, I'm in the process of cleaning out my childhood bedroom. I can't exactly share clothes with you, being about a size 5, but if your older children are older I may be able to find something? I've already taken many bags to various charities here (mid-atlantic) so I'm not sure what's left, but I'm also finding books and toys and such which I don't really want to keep, and while I don't make all that much money and am trying to save up to move out of my parent's house, I hear flat rate boxes at the post office are relatively cheap. I don't know what you'll need when you leave and I am rather on the wrong coast, but do let me know if I can help. In the meantime, as I said before, you're in my thoughts and prayers and I really hope that you can successfully get yourself and your children out of this unfortunate situation and have a good start re-entering the work force and all of that. I also should add that I really have no idea how old your children are, so I don't know if I can find anything for any of them, it's been five years since I lived at home full time and being a tiny bit of a hoarder I'm not sure what exactly IS in my room, but if you want to message me with any needs, having a look in my bedroom while I clean is the least I could do for you and your family.

[annalena]

Hi Evie, how is it going?

Would you mind pm'ing me your blog? (Or if someone else knows it...that would be just as great)

Hope you're making good progress!

[apple1]

Worried about this poster. Anybody had any contacts? PM?

[CanticleoftheTurning]

She's been in my thoughts for a while. I'm really hoping things are going okay for her.

[nolongerIFBx]

Haven't seen any updates to her blog in over a month-Evie, please let us know that you're okay.

[Crackedeggs]

Aw, poor chica. I was going to give her some info on getting real work at home, like I do. If you come back Evie, PM me. If that would be of any help to you, anyway.

Guys, she may go back and forth for a while. If she talked to someone from her church about her feelings, or a like minded net friend, she more than certainly was shamed and pep talked away from here and back to her denim skirts and frumpers. Pray for her.

[raineymott]

I'm just worried her husband found out she was going to leave and is preventing her from getting online or something...