I don't want to be fundy anymore

[clibbyjo]

I love the idea of a private forum,but I think the membership has to be high in posts(like 500). Has to be for people who stick around and if the interns are going to post 500 times to get into the "inner sanctum"(which is what it would have to be called because it sounds mysterious) then they deserve to get in.

Edited to add or people who we know from the old board with less than 500 posts but who never got their post count switched so had to start over. :)

[Evie Teale]

I have PM'd everyone I could about removing the identifying info as Austin and others suggested. I cannot seem to PM latraviata, though. So:

latraviata,

Please edit your quote of my post giving the address to my blog. I have nightmares of fundies descending on me to beg me not to take drugs and leave my husband. Or worse, maybe Candy will show up offering me a copy of "Fascinating Womanhood" in order to fix my marriage.

Thanks,

Evie

[clibbyjo]

I have PM'd everyone I could about removing the identifying info as Austin and others suggested. I cannot seem to PM latraviata, though. So:

latraviata,

Please edit your quote of my post giving the address to my blog. I have nightmares of fundies descending on me to beg me not to take drugs and leave my husband. Or worse, maybe Candy will show up offering me a copy of "Fascinating Womanhood" in order to fix my marriage.

Thanks,

Evie

Evie could you pm me the address? I'll add it to my blogroll which I did not do the first time I read it.

[Sola]

I love the idea of a private forum,but I think the membership has to be high in posts(like 500). Has to be for people who stick around and if the interns are going to post 500 times to get into the "inner sanctum"(which is what it would have to be called because it sounds mysterious) then they deserve to get in.

Edited to add or people who we know from the old board with less than 500 posts but who never got their post count switched so had to start over. :)

Inner Sanctum sounds awesome :D

[Letgo]

I just found Evie's blog. It was very easy and the link to it was no longer in this thread. Sometimes it scares me to see how easily people can be found. (Except when trying to find high school classmates for a reunion, of course!) Google her name and FJ comes up with the blog name.

[SheWoreLemon]

Hi Evie, I just got divorced a couple months ago after being in sort of a similar situtation. I wasn't quite dealing with fundamentalism, but I was depressed and my husband had emotionally and verbally overpowered me for yours. I had shut down so much inside that I couldn't stand up for myself because I was afraid to say what I was thinking. I found a really good counselor and a better medication and things are a lot better. I'm so much happier now. Please send me a private message if I can help you in anyway.

Please start erasing your browsing history *everytime* you use your computer. I know you said you use your kid's computer and you know the password, but who knows if someday your husband wants to see something on it? Better safe that sorry, right? If you don't know how to erase your browsing history, just post on the board. (Let us know what internet browser you use and someone will know the answer.

Also, erase the names and ages of all your kids as well as husband off your blog--those can help identify you.

Now for college--when my friend Laurie got divorced, she had a 4 year old son. Her state paid for her to go back to school full-time and finish her degree so she could work to support herself. I don't know how much financial aid she got, if her living expenses were paid, or what, but you should contact your college and find out what options there are for a newly divorced woman with kids. Just contact the financial aid office. My community college had a day-care at the campus where students majoring in child-development "practiced"--you could leave your little ones there while you went to classes.

Once you're divorced, your husband is required to pay you child support and he may be required to pay something toward your college too. That would give you more financial stability than hoping you're going to have something left over from the paycheck after he buys his treats.

[Evie Teale]

I just found Evie's blog. It was very easy and the link to it was no longer in this thread. Sometimes it scares me to see how easily people can be found. (Except when trying to find high school classmates for a reunion, of course!) Google her name and FJ comes up with the blog name.

In all honesty, I'm not sweating bullets that my husband would find the blog or that anyone we know would recognize anything on it. After all the lectures I have had to endure over how blog reading is a waste of time, I can't imagine him thinking I would actually write one (he really likes to rattle on about hard work and wasting time while he's on craigslist for 2 hours). The fake name I chose would mean nothing to him, and the names on the blog are a world away from my kids' real names. The church we attend here is fundy-lite, they aren't the type to check up on the members.

I admit it was stupid to tell what state I live in, where I went to college, and the name of my sorority. Those are things that would identify me. I was so excited to pour out my heart (that's so fundy-sounding, isn't it), that I forgot to guard certain info.

I took the link to the blog off here because I was more concerned I'd have a bunch of fundies who lurk here showing up over there to take me to task. I really don't care to fight with them.

[Alecto]

Re: Post counts

We are having some database issues, and since I have to edit the raw database to edit post counts, I am hesitant to do so until I figure out what is causing these intermittent database connection errors.

Re: Private Forum

Honestly? This would cause a lot more work for the mods, and truthfully, I think it would create a false sense of security. I've been a member of a forum where you had to be vetted very heavily, and even then people were able to get past it. Not to mention, I don't know how this would help those who are leaving fundamentalism, as it would not be open to new people.

However, we could create a forum that is members locked (meaning you have to register to see it, and is not indexed by search engines. So that way if someone searched "XYZ" it would not come up.

[Bookworm89]

Joining in welcoming you to fj. Everyone's advice is right on and you are taking the right steps. And I'm really glad this board has helped that.

[annalena]

hi!:)

only have read the first 2.5 pages so far. but have some ideas for you:)

the first word that bumped into my head when reading you:therapy. not because you're so insane, but because you could use some help figuring out what your life should look like. and its a place to dump everything you couldnt really talk about.

next thing: school. you are missing only 2 classes, right? is there a possibility to do online classes? and to get your degree that way?

if that's not possible and he's all against education, i wouldnt focus on that right now. you need to get out of there. i'm sure you can get a job, at least nannying or something, even without a degree. you can look after other kids while looking after your own ones, or if you wish, put your kids in school and you'll have time at least for a part time jobs. you can always finish your degree later and then get a better (-paying) job.

third, the money. can you try and start to sell things on ebay? doesnt make for a lot, but for a little. i bet you're frugal already, but maybe there's a way to live a l ittle more frugal here and there and put that money away. good thing: if you're already used to being frugal, you will easily manage living on one income for the first time.

AND- while i am usually a big fan of living debt-free- if you need some cash and can get a loan, i wouldnt be too afraid of taking it . shouldnt be too high, so you can pay it back in a reasonable amount of time, but maybe cover rent and expenses for you and the kids for a couple of months. could your parents maybe help you? is your relationship good? or maybe a friend? you could offer them a written contract to ensure they get their money back.

[annalena]

In all honesty, I'm not sweating bullets that my husband would find the blog or that anyone we know would recognize anything on it. After all the lectures I have had to endure over how blog reading is a waste of time, I can't imagine him thinking I would actually write one (he really likes to rattle on about hard work and wasting time while he's on craigslist for 2 hours). The fake name I chose would mean nothing to him, and the names on the blog are a world away from my kids' real names. The church we attend here is fundy-lite, they aren't the type to check up on the members.

I admit it was stupid to tell what state I live in, where I went to college, and the name of my sorority. Those are things that would identify me. I was so excited to pour out my heart (that's so fundy-sounding, isn't it), that I forgot to guard certain info.

I took the link to the blog off here because I was more concerned I'd have a bunch of fundies who lurk here showing up over there to take me to task. I really don't care to fight with them.

the computer has a memory for a couple of weeks, at least that is how it was explained to me. so when pulled up before, it will find her blog link on fj cause i memorizes the old pages. i just deleted an old homepage of mine ,and safari still finds it, where i've visited it before. mozilla doesn't though.

[browncoatslytherin]

hi evie, and welcome to fj. :) i can certainly identify with you. well, truely, my mum can. she was with my dad for almost 41 years before she finally left him, and she is so much happier.

i agree with the others about putting aside money. a separate bank account is a good idea, but i don't know what kind of bank you go to. if your bank is the kind that recognizes you well and your family, i would suggest going to another bank so they won't accidentally spill any info about your secret bank account to your husband. i know, they aren't supposed to do that, but it happens. also, you will probably get important paperwork to keep when you open a bank account. now, when my mum left my dad, he went through her purse and took her money, including a cashier's check that she had taken out from the money they got from selling their home. i don't know about your husband, but i wouldn't put it past anyone to go through your purse and your things if they start to get suspicious, or perhaps simply my accident. perhaps you could open a safety deposit box so your information will not only be safe but also your husband will never find it.

good luck, dear, there are people here rooting for you. stay strong.

[annalena]

hi evie. are you okay? hope your husband hasn't gone through your laptop or something.

[Evie Teale]

Hi Annalena!

I am fine. I have been posting regularly on my blog.

If anyone wants an update, though, I have my intake appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow morning. Of course, my husband had to be an ass about it, but I'm going anyway.

By the way, the dirty graveyard lady is a great distraction from my own trainwreck! What a freak :o

Thank you all for the uplifting words both here and by PM. I can't express my appreciation enough.

[apple1]

Just wanted to add good thoughts for Evie.

[formerlyfundie]

Hi Evie,

I just wanted to tell you that I understand. I have been living the fundie life for a few years, I got out, then got sucked back in, and am now in a place where I am OVER it. I am tired of not being able to just be...normal...to put on clothes and not worry about if it "reflects my heart", to wonder constantly if I am "encouraging my husband" enough, to wonder if I am "defrauding" anyone, it is EXHAUSTING. And I hate the feeling of guilt that comes from feeling this way, as if I am not "dedicated" enough because I am so tired or if I am ignoring the "call" of being more than an average Christian blah blah blah. There needs to be like a fundie rehab, because it is very much an addiction that consumes your life. I am taking it day to day and hope you can find peace and joy too, you sound like you're on your way. :clap:

[Evie Teale]

Just an update for anyone interested.

I have had 2 visits to my therapist. I am feeling stronger, but there is a hitch in getting medication, which she believes I need, but I have to get from my primary care manager on base. Long story short, he doesn't believe I need it. Whatever. I am going to try a different route.

I was going to try to stay in my marriage long enough to take the 3 classes I need and gather up some money, but I just don't think I can stand it that long. I want to leave right away. I can't smile and pretend. It is infuriating.

I think my husband is afraid I am going to leave. Today he took control of the checking account, so now I really have nothing. I fear his temper, but I hate living here more than I can express.

Thanks for all the kind words on my blog. It has helped keep me going.

[raineymott]

I'm glad you're getting the help you need!! I wish you lots of luck. I've been in a really similar situation (just with parents, not husband). It helps if you set yourself a date that you will leave, that way you can anticipate it. I did that...but my dad sort of rushed things and gave me an ultimatum earlier than I expected. Also, I almost left once before, and after that he took control of internet, took away my phone, etc. I hope you can get things figured out!!

[flojo]

I agree with above.

I also want to add that if abuse worsens, and you feel unsafe get out now. I assume there are women's shelters in the US. Locate your nearest one. My mother used these in leaving my abusive step father.

Edited because I can't spell

[Lainey]

How did he take control of the chequing account?

[emmiedahl]

I was thinking, if you use the InPrivate browser, then no cookies/history are left on your computer, if you are worried about that.

[Bella99]

Taking complete control of the finances is a form of abuse. If you have a cell phone that records audio, try to keep it with you and charged as much as possible - that way you can flip it on if he starts any type of assault.

[Evie Teale]

We use an online bank. He went in and changed the passwords so I couldn't access it. When I asked, he said it would give me less to worry about. I've done our bills for 20 years. He has NEVER had an interest in taking care of the finances. He gripes about it a lot (as in why is there never enough money), but his interest has never gone beyond spending. It is just too fishy that he would want to do this now.

[MissSeptember]

Even though he has control of the checking account, are you still allowed to use your debit card at the grocery store? Each time you make a purchase, get cash back and tuck it and the receipt away where he won't find it. If you only take $10-20 at a time he won't think anything of it when he looks at the bank statement and sees the grocery bill. It may not seem like a lot, but the money adds up.

[Guest Anonymous]

We use an online bank. He went in and changed the passwords so I couldn't access it. When I asked, he said it would give me less to worry about. I've done our bills for 20 years. He has NEVER had an interest in taking care of the finances. He gripes about it a lot (as in why is there never enough money), but his interest has never gone beyond spending. It is just too fishy that he would want to do this now.

Is there any chance of you contacting the bank by phone, and telling them what you told us? If this is a joint account, then he's violating their terms of service by cutting off your access. Also, if you have an ATM card, you might want to consider cancelling it and having a replacement delivered to a friend or relative's house. It wouldn't surprise me if he's already killed your existing one.