I don't want to be fundy anymore

[Guest Anonymous]

[SquirrelySquirrel]

I just read through your blog a bit. Have you considered looking into online courses at a smaller state college to get those last 3 credits? I have several friends who are parents who are going that route (my husband will be soon, in fact). It's certainly cheaper than a bigger university, but the quality of education is the same.

If there's any help I can ever offer on a local level, I'm happy to help. I get the feeling we may live in close proximity to each other.

Edited to remove identifying information. :)

[freehannie]

Evie,

So sorry to hear about all this, but I am glad you are attempting to make a change for the better. I completely agree with everyone on putting money away if possible, reaching out to others, therapy, and medication if necessary. One thing about depression is that it seems like there is no hope and you feel trapped without any options. Usually therapists and friends can help you see that you have lots of choices that you just need to exercise in order to create a different kind of life. I would also recommend marriage counseling if you aren't going to file for divorce immediately. A good counselor will help you assert your point of view and maintain it even under pressure from your husband to revert back to your old ways. Your husband may not want to attend but you could go on your own. If nothing else, you will learn skills for a more healthy, mutual relationship in the future. It's going to be very difficult to change your patterns within the relationship without lots of support from the outside and a marriage counselor can give you the support you need. Eventually even if your husband refuses to make any changes, you will have made enough changes that you can either get the strength to leave or stay with a healthier perspective. Just keep in mind that you don't need his permission for anything. If he doesn't agree with what you are doing, he's entitled to that point of view, but it doesn't obligate you to go along with it. Sometimes after years in a controlling relationship, we forget that.

[nolongerIFBx]

The problem with me is I have a whole life inside my head that never gets to come out.).

As someone who qualifies as fundie-lite, I can relate. In my church and family life, I still live in a med-Xtreme world. I can't say the first thing that pops into my head. People would drop like flies. I often feel the only place I can truly be myself is at work.

Fundy-ism was what I would throw myself into to convince myself I was happy..

I have been brave enough to say that fundie Xtremism draws those with a need for power and to control people and those who need rules to function. Both have issues and it is a very unhealthy environment. Neither extreme is really about Christianity at all, but Christianity is the veil they hide their mental illness behind, and it gives Christians- us more fundie-lites- a bad name.

Best of luck, Evie, as you travel the road to un-X yourself.

[meda]

Evie, I am going to make a suggestion, and that is to delete this thread and communicate about your situation with individual FJ'ers via PM. Between this thread and your blog, we now know the state you live in, college you attended, sorority, age (roughly), number of children, and that your husband is active military.

If this is not a hoax and you want to leave your marriage with your children, some financial resources, and your sanity, this is the wrong way to do it. Your husband or someone from the church will find this, and it will not end well. I understand the need to vent and have support, but this almost feels like you want him to find this and just have the confrontation that way. I say this as someone who walked away form an abusive spouse. It took a year to plan it so I could leave safely, and I had no children. I implore you to be smart about this and not set your children or yourself up for further victimization

[Austin]

I think Meda has a good point, and I respect her opinion as someone who has lived it.

I would suggest going back through your own posts and deleting all the identifying information. FJ gets a lot of traffic, and you just never know who could happen upon this.

FJers, it would be a great kindness if you could delete/redact anything in your response posts that are identifiers (university, sorority, etc.). With the OP's permission, I can edit her quoted portions in the posts of others to match any edits she makes.

It's up to you. I'm not speaking as an administrator here and you certainly don't have to do anything, just so you know. Please feel free to PM me about anything.

[Evie Teale]

I have just returned from a day out, and have a few minutes on the computer while my husband is out with our son.

I did not intend to reveal so much about myself--it just felt good to talk openly. I can go through my posts and delete personal information, and everyone else can, too. I went to a lot of trouble making up a name and everything...I really don't know what my husband looks at on the computer. He could be a porn addict for all I know, or he could read here regularly.

What a head-ache.

Still, thank you all for your help. I honestly felt trapped--like I really had to spend the rest of my life miserable and turn my beautiful daughters over to the same fate. I feel as if there is some hope, if I can get past the pain.

I will continue to sort out my feelings on the blog, though. I really need the outlet, but I will be much more careful with certain information.

[Austin]

I don't think you need to stop posting. I just think you should write like you believe there might be a chance someone you know could come across this site. Just take out the identifiers and I think you should be fine. Personally, I'd like to know how you're doing and continue to provide any support/encouragement I can.

[Evie Teale]

I just saw this advice for getting money from my husband:

$30 for a Bible for someone who didn't have one

All I have to say is this:

He would actually believe this!

[Evie Teale]

If you sent me a PM and didn't get a reponse, it's becauser I have no idea what I'm doing! I did respond to the PMs, but I'm not sure I sent them correctly.

[DamnPrecious]

I edited my post for ya.

[Evie Teale]

I edited my original post to remove the link to my blog. I had a terrible vision of loads of fundies going there and begging me not to take drugs and leave my husband.

Anyone who needs the link can PM me.

[Sola]

You know, I'm wondering if we could have a private board on here, where only members could view and post to. It might help in cases like this.

[Austin]

You know, I'm wondering if we could have a private board on here, where only members could view and post to. It might help in cases like this.

That might be a good idea. What do you think we should make the criteria, if we were to do that? I've been on some boards where it's been a certain number of posts to gain admittance (like 100 or so - b/c most trolls, even with those of the evil, stalking ilk, won't bother sticking around long enough to post 100 times - or should it be something else)?

[DamnPrecious]

That might be a good idea. What do you think we should make the criteria, if we were to do that? I've been on some boards where it's been a certain number of posts to gain admittance (like 100 or so - b/c most trolls, even with those of the evil, stalking ilk, won't bother sticking around long enough to post 100 times - or should it be something else)?

I would say a certain amount of post and judgement of the post. Like if someone gives a bad vibe or would seem like they would do harm with information. I don't know.

[Prek teach]

I just want to welcome you to FJ, and am glad that you are trying to leave a situation that you realize is not healthy for you.

I have a friend who married into a fundie-lite family. She thought it would make her happy. For many years, and many children, she tried to be the wife her husband wanted, and the wife she thought she should be. However, the harder she tried to toe the line the more resentful she became. Everything she was trying to be was the opposite of what she really was. She gave up her career, changed the way she dressed, changed her political affiliations, dropped friends and family members, and became an isolated SAHM. long story short, my friend got a divorce 14 years later and once again is a happy person. She knows she's got to get back into the workforce which will require some additional college course work. She has no retirement and hasn't contributed to social security for 15 years.

That said, my friend ended up getting a very generous settlement/child support package because she had a great lawyer familiar with family situations such as my friend's. Your husband's career is such that you will very well be entitled to certain benefits as will your children. He can't avoid that. So when seeking out a divorce attorney, look for one that has experience in handling divorces among spouses in your husband's career field. Different rules apply there.

[Sola]

That might be a good idea. What do you think we should make the criteria, if we were to do that? I've been on some boards where it's been a certain number of posts to gain admittance (like 100 or so - b/c most trolls, even with those of the evil, stalking ilk, won't bother sticking around long enough to post 100 times - or should it be something else)?

Yeah, I think there should be a certain number of posts to gain admittance, maybe 50 or 100. That way if someone does need help they don't have to post that much before getting access to the private board - by making benign comments on lots of posts can soon put that up for them. But it would probably be enough to put off stalkers and trolls. Plus we could also use it for talking about close to the bone stuff which some members might not be comfortable reading (not sure who though - we all seem pretty broad minded here :lol:).

[Sola]

Another thought on the private board thing; if it wasn't too much hassle for the mods, you could make access to it application only. When you've got to 50 or 100 posts (or whatever) you then can apply to the mods for access to it. Then the mods could have a quick look at the applicants posts to see if they seem troll-like.

[Angri-la]

Listen to Austin and the wise women here. I have little to add, except I wish you strength, and I am glad we are collectively here to help women just like you. It really makes me feel like I am part of something special.

[Austin]

It looks like this private forum thing was discussed previously and the consensus was that it was not wanted by FJers.

[ChickeyMonkey]

Also, some (many?) of us from the old forum who had a high post count haven't had that count reinstated yet (ever?). It's just not a priority, which I totally understand. Just sayin'. :)

[Austin]

Also, some (many?) of us from the old forum who had a high post count haven't had that count reinstated yet (ever?). It's just not a priority, which I totally understand. Just sayin'. :)

I would suggest PMing Alecto on this. I do not have the ability (that I know of) to change post counts. I know Alecto has had intermittent computer problems and was trying to work through a list of these post counts as she was able.

[marmalade]

Maybe a private forum regarding depression a spiritual abuse? Regulars can post without criteria after x number of posts. Newbies would have to apply and be vetted by the mods.

I do think Evie is legit. I suffered just about every stage she described (and more). My husband is currently suffering the classic nervous breakdown, save the crying. Thankfully, we have a great medical team in place and I am in contact with his doctors as we search to find his "cocktail." He essentially reacts the total opposite of what most depression drugs are supposed to do.

Thankfully, his therapist got him into a psychiatric group and a doctor can see him on Wednesday.

Assholes like Steve Maxwell are why men don't get help sooner. My hubby is 51 and I've been trying (without success...male pride and all that shit) to get him into therapy for years, even before he confessed his sexual abuse to me. He initially lied to his therapist but without prodding knew he had to confess before he could progress.

I am working with our GP and his psychologist and will confer with his chosen psychiatrist after they meet. I'm lucky that I've been through all of this and able to finish my college degree and tackle grad school, but I was self-medicating until just 6 years ago. That life seems a million miles away now.

Even if Evie is a troll, I hope what I've said can help someone who lurks but doesn't have the strength (yet) to out themselves here to get the help they need where they live. Even without insurance, clinics are out there that take sliding scale payments, and PhD candidates are doing studies EVERYWHERE. If you fit criteria, you can get free therapy and proceed to a doctor who can prescribe meds if needed, and in this case of classic depression, as well as my and my husband's current state, I'd say they are.

It's tough, but hang in there. I was lucky that my "cocktail" worked from day one, but we've had to increase dosages when the drugs stop working and the next breakdown happens. It's a constant state of recalibration and as much as it sucks, it's our life and according to statistics, it won't be as long as we'd like, but in Christian terms, it's our cross to bear. Without the help, I would probably have been wormfood by now.

[ChickeyMonkey]

I would suggest PMing Alecto on this. I do not have the ability (that I know of) to change post counts. I know Alecto has had intermittent computer problems and was trying to work through a list of these post counts as she was able.

I already did when the forum first went up. I don't want to be a nuisance, but at the same time I'd like to have my post count back. I guess I'll do it again and hope Alecto won't get irritated with me asking again.

[Evie Teale]

I continue to be amazed at how many lives are touched by depression. Someone left a comment on my blog expressing what has to be severe depression. I honestly didn't think these feelings were so common--I thought I was crazy, or as my husband says, I have a "weak mind."