I don't want to be fundy anymore

[Evie Teale]

Thank you all (well, almost all) for such kind words. I do not feel brave or courageous at all. I feel like a big coward because I know what I need to do and just can't.

Back in April, my husband made me feel so bad for even suggesting a divorce. He cried (which I'd never seen him do--even when his brother died). I felt like dirt. He kept going on and on about me stealing his kids away and how we can't ever really be divorced because we were married in a church. He said he'd "always be married to me" as if it can't happen because HE doesn't consent.

The problem is, I can get really riled up and talk big when he's not around, but when I have to confront him, I turn into a big chicken. That, and he always turns my words around and confuses what I'm trying to say.

As far as the medication, which I'm pretty sure I will be prescribed, I was hoping that by keeping the blog I would not stop taking it either when I start to feel better or when he tries to convince me that God will heal me "again."

I am not offended by anyone thinking I am a troll. I am not, time will tell. (I will admit to leaving some less than kind comments for Brandy once, though. She got me all stirred up with that stupid messianic thing.) I came here because I knew (after lurking for a while) that I would get encouragement. I live a very discouraged life right now. I am not ashamed to say that a positive word is usually enough to bring me to tears.

Thanks again,

Evie Teale

P.S. I was on the Titus 2 Moms board when Terri was revising the MOTH book and she asked for sample schedules. I was really into the scheduling thing then, so I sent her one.

[Lillybee]

I hope that things start looking up for you and the children soon. Get a script and take the meds. Welcome.

[doggie]

what you have done so far has been brave. You may just have to move out without talking to him about it so you don't have to stand up to him. he will do anything to get you to stay and it is all bull. so it may be time to pack up and leave and not talk to him about it.

people here are used to trolls and tend to be skeptical. so don't take them personally.

[duplessis3]

I think you'll find, when your depression is lessened, your husband won't be able to twist you around and confuse you.

Good luck on your journey. Oh and my drug of choice is welbrutrin.

[clarinetpower]

If you're real, good for you for seeking help. Please remember that help is not just in medical form--there are a lot of other things that can make a big difference in your and your children's lives.

I am not sure, and will withhold judgement for now. I am surprised by your very un-fundy language, your typical blogger o' today constructs (Every. Single. Time.), and your distinct lack of a mention of God/Jesus/Christ, etc.

But, that may just be to come. We'll see. I hope you're real and you and the children find happiness.

And since we're all discussing it: My drug of choice is a bowl of ice cream. Steve Maxwell would totally take it away from me. (And I wouldn't eat one of his bean burritos if you paid me.) My husband was on meds for a while, but he went off and is doing well now. I haven't needed anything for depression--just acid reflux. :-\

[AtroposHeart]

I wish you good luck, but I goy a strange feeling while reading your post

[mnb357]

"Funny feelings" aside, best of luck. And, you know, I almost wish you WERE a sham, as I hate to think of anybody in this situation.

And, wellbutrin is my drug of choice too. Mainly, (vain as I am) because it it is weight neutral. The last thing I need when I'm in a depressed period is to gain weight.

[Evie Teale]

I am sorry if I don't appear fundy enough. Not all fundies write as poorly as Candy or Jason Cormier.

I have been deconstructing my fundy-ness in my mind for almost 2 years. I also read A LOT of blogs. It helps me escape my own life. I love "The Toby Show" (I guess it's called Jonah Lisa Land now). The author of that blog is a writer of the new movie "Hysteria" (about the invention of vibrators). My husband would have a cow if he knew I enjoyed that blog so much. I also read Chickens in the Road. She cracks me up. I have also been lurking here for a year or so.

The problem with me is I have a whole life inside my head that never gets to come out. When I write, I can let that life out. In real life, I have to act shocked that some heathen would write a movie about vibrators, but in my head, I think she's awesome. My husband has made it so that I cannot be who I am inside. When I was in college, I was in a sorority. I was an English/History major. I was in Honors' College. I HAD A LIFE. But I have to be all guilty about living that kind of life. I'm not allowed to reminisce about my life before I was "saved." By the way, I was already a Christian, but I was Catholic so it doesn't count. I lost myself a long time ago. When I write, I feel like my old self.

Fundy-ism was what I would throw myself into to convince myself I was happy. I could totally convince myself that I believed everything Terri wrote in her corners was right. I also read a lot of articles from Above Rubies. I thought if I could just believe it and put it into practice, everything would be okay. The problem is that I didn't fully embrace it in my mind. I walked around all guilty because I just wasn't fundy enough.

Does any of this make sense or am I just blah, blah, blah-ing?

Anyway, I'm not offended if you don't believe me. I don't have the energy to make up a seperate life. But I do enjoy the snark here (well, some of it). It feels good to laugh at the people who have created my personal hell (I'm looking at you, Doug Phillips and Steve Maxwell).

[Evie Teale]

As far as my personal belief in Jesus, I have no problem with Him, so I don't need to write about Him. Somebody already wrote a whole book about Him, anyway. ;)

[ADoyle90815]

I also have gotten out of an emotionally abusive marriage as well has having dealt with severe depression. The thing that helped me besides medication was seeing a good therapist. My ex-husband hated my therapist partly because she was a woman, but also because he probably realized that with therapy, I would gain the strength to get out of the marriage, which is what happened in the end. I happened to have success with Paxil, but whatever drug you end up with, it really does work when combined with therapy. I actually stayed in therapy after I was able to get off the Paxil, but that was so I would learn not to make the same mistake again as far as men are concerned. In the end, it worked out and I've been with someone who treats me as an equal.

[NurseNell]

Good luck on this journey.

Nell

[Evie Teale]

That's so funny about that sorority in the south. We were the "fun girls" at my school. At another state school, at that time, they where the...uh...well...not-so-attractive girls.

But they all had great personalities!

[DamnPrecious]

*edited for the OPs privacy.

[Sola]

Hi Evie,

Just read through the thread and your blog. Honestly? Get the hell out of there.

You are miserable now, you know what is making you miserable. Your husband will be out of the military in a year and will be home. With you. All. The. Time.

Get out now before you snap.

Think how sapped you are now, well think how much worse it will be when you are together 24/7. If you leave it to deteriorate, a divorce will be as messy as hell. If you leave now while things are still on a relatively straight setting, there 'should' be less bad feeling. Plus leaving and setting up a new life will be so much harder if so you are rung out with him being home 24/7.

I'm not usually one to suggest ending a marriage. I do believe that if there is love there, the marriage is worth fighting for. But from reading your blog and posts it seems that whatever love was there has long gone. You are worthy of a life Evie, go out and get one.

[Nothing2CHere]

Evie,

I also wish the best for you, and agree with what everyone else has stated here about getting yourself help and setting yourself up to leave.

I don't know how feasible this is for you (because I don't know how monitored your internet usage is by your husband), but since you were a sorority girl with a life back in college, could you try to reconnect with any of your old friends via Facebook? Maybe one of them is now a killer divorce attorney who could help you. If nothing else, it might help you to develop ties outside of your family and marriage, so that you feel more capable of finally leaving.

[Austin]

I agree with all of the advice you are getting, and I echo the others who have suggested you stash away some money if at all possible, make some outside contacts, and most importantly, get treatment for your depression.

I know that fundie men are often very overbearing (I grew up fundie-lite, so am acquainted with many) and I'm assuming that since you've lived the submissive wife thing with him for so long, that dynamic may be more pronounced. But you have to remind yourself that you are an individual with autonomy and agency of your own. After years of living otherwise, this may take some adjusting in your brain, or maybe you've kept a piece of your real self hidden away from all the fundie-crazee. But once you starting coming from the place of really believing that, you will start having healthier responses to him. And by healthy, I mean pushing back against the dynamic he's used to - NOT giving in to what he wants or making his feelings your first priority. I know you've been taught that putting yourself first is BAD-BAD-BAD, but the truth is you really can't do much good for others if you don't love and respect yourself enough to validate your own personhood.

I understand what you mean about talking "big" but unable to confront him how you would really like to in person. I think that's normal, especially for someone who has a strong personality and is accustomed to being in a relationship with a submissive woman. You have to build (develop) an emotional armor around yourself and know that he does not own you and cannot control your life. Guilt is a very powerful tool, and fundies wield it very adroitly. You cannot allow yourself to be moved by guilt. Decisions made out of guilt always end up with the situation in the crapper.

If you can get a counselor, try to get one that isn't an evangelical Christian. I'm only saying that because more than likely, an evangelical Christian counselor will only be focused on repairing the marriage and reconciling you to your fate with your husband.

We have a family therapist, and when we were searching for one, we didn't want to hear word one about the therapist's religion or faith. And my husband and sons ARE Christians, but even they knew that a bunch of Bible verses and rehashed Christian cliches are not enough. We've been seeing our therapist for several years now, and I honestly have no idea what her religion is, or if she even has one. What I pay her for is her objective, professional advice based on her expertise and knowledge of peer-reviewed research. If we wanted pastoral counseling, we could go to a church, right? That's not what you need right now.

You will remain in my thoughts. I hope you drop by FJ whenever you need a word of encouragement (that sounds kinda fundie, doesn't it? - lol)

[lilwriter85]

Hi Evie and welcome to FJ. I'm sorry that you are going through a hard time and you have gotten some great suggestions here. I will check out your blog.

[margiebargie]

Welcome, Evie. Best of luck.

I think Austin's advice is terrific. A real therapist is a great idea. He/she can help you maintain the vision of the life you want. That'll keep you going. And her point about guilt is spot on. You're going to have to start pushing back against your feelings of guilt. Challenge them every time. I think you'll find that you have very little to feel guilty about. You're in a tough situation, but you keep on going. You're stronger than you think. Imagine yourself objectively, like you would your own best friend. If she were in this situation, what would you tell her? You'd probably tell her to run like hell.

[Evie Teale]

Again, thank you all so much, especially Austin, who hit the nail right on the head.

My husband will be back from a week-long trip today, and is off work until next week. The comment about the 24/7 time with him is SO true. He will sit in his chair on his laptop looking at Craigslist and e-bay and yelling at the kids. He will not do lawn work or fix the things I have asked him to fix. He will go to church with us on Sunday and complain all the way home about how immodestly the youth group was dressed.

I am taking the children out today.

I have a laptop of my own (for the children's school, of course ;) ) so he doesn't know what I do on the Internet while he's not around. I password protected it (you know, to monitor the children). He doesn't bother it because he is too busy on his own. I used my fake name to make a facebook profile because I didn't know how facebook worked. I also didn't know if my husband is using it, or checking to see if I was. He has accused me of so many stupid things over the years, I wouldn't be surprised if he's not on there just to see if I am. Anyway, I found out that one of my old boyfriends is a real estate attorney in another state. He is also divorced, so I don't know if he'd want to help, but certainly he knows a good divorce attorney there who may know one here.

I also got a post office box so I can get a bank account in my name. I have no idea how I'll be able to get any money into it, because my husband wastes just about everything he makes. Lord knows he needs some more hunting stuff, or another book about the Bible. Anyway, I feel as if I am making forward progress, but scared to death he'll discover it.

Again, thank you all for the encouragement. I need it so much, which is why I came here. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[snarkykitty]

I am sorry if I don't appear fundy enough. Not all fundies write as poorly as Candy or Jason Cormier.

I have been deconstructing my fundy-ness in my mind for almost 2 years. I also read A LOT of blogs. It helps me escape my own life. I love "The Toby Show" (I guess it's called Jonah Lisa Land now). The author of that blog is a writer of the new movie "Hysteria" (about the invention of vibrators). My husband would have a cow if he knew I enjoyed that blog so much. I also read Chickens in the Road. She cracks me up. I have also been lurking here for a year or so.

The problem with me is I have a whole life inside my head that never gets to come out. When I write, I can let that life out. In real life, I have to act shocked that some heathen would write a movie about vibrators, but in my head, I think she's awesome. My husband has made it so that I cannot be who I am inside. When I was in college, I was in a sorority --. I was an English/History major. I was in Honors' College. I HAD A LIFE. But I have to be all guilty about living that kind of life. I'm not allowed to reminisce about my life before I was "saved." By the way, I was already a Christian, but I was Catholic so it doesn't count. I lost myself a long time ago. When I write, I feel like my old self.

Fundy-ism was what I would throw myself into to convince myself I was happy. I could totally convince myself that I believed everything Terri wrote in her corners was right. I also read a lot of articles from Above Rubies. I thought if I could just believe it and put it into practice, everything would be okay. The problem is that I didn't fully embrace it in my mind. I walked around all guilty because I just wasn't fundy enough.

Does any of this make sense or am I just blah, blah, blah-ing?

Anyway, I'm not offended if you don't believe me. I don't have the energy to make up a seperate life. But I do enjoy the snark here (well, some of it). It feels good to laugh at the people who have created my personal hell (I'm looking at you, Doug Phillips and Steve Maxwell).

If you graduated on good terms with ---, you are STILL a member. Take advantage of your connections (or reconnect). National sororities like NPC organizations have vast networks. You might find a job or a means to completing your education, by doing a little research. Many NPC sororities offer grants for various things. If you're not sure of your status, look up your HQ and ask them. Sororities are all about empowering women. That's why they were founded in the first place.

[Austin]

There's got to be something - I hope - that he could be vulnerable to believing. I mean some way you could get a little more money from him every week. Maybe you suddenly hurt yourself (not really) and you need to go to. . . let's say. . . the chiropracter regularly and there's a $30 or $50 co-pay or something every time.

Do you have something of yours that you could sell? Gold is at an all-time high and now is a good time to sell. Even silver is bringing a good penny. Sometimes these items are hard to part with, but if they can buy your and your children's freedom, it's easier to put it in perspective. Especially if it's something he gave you - lol.

I haven't read where you've mentioned extended family or any other support network (besides church, b/c that never works out too well for the wife), but consider any opportunities that those networks could afford you and your kids. You are so close to your degree, which makes you in a much better position than the average fundie woman who grew up going to the SOTDRT and has no accredited education post-high school. Think of ways that you can leverage your education and skills. Think of people you know, like this ex-boyfriend who is an attorney, who might be willing to extend a hand up.

Where there's a will, there's a way. Your life is too precious to squander in a joyless existence.

[CanticleoftheTurning]

Again, thank you all so much, especially Austin, who hit the nail right on the head.

My husband will be back from a week-long hunting trip today, and is off work until Monday. The comment about the 24/7 time with him is SO true. He will sit in his chair on his laptop looking at Craigslist and e-bay and yelling at the kids. He will not do lawn work or fix the things I have asked him to fix. He will go to church with us on Sunday and complain all the way home about how immodestly the youth group was dressed.

I am taking the children to the zoo today.

I have a laptop of my own (for the children's school, of course ;) ) so he doesn't know what I do on the Internet while he's not around. I password protected it (you know, to monitor the children). He doesn't bother it because he is too busy on his own. I used my fake name to make a facebook profile because I didn't know how facebook worked. I also didn't know if my husband is using it, or checking to see if I was. He has accused me of so many stupid things over the years, I wouldn't be surprised if he's not on there just to see if I am. Anyway, I found out that one of my old boyfriends is a real estate attorney in Indianapolis. He is also divorced, so I don't know if he'd want to help, but certainly he knows a good divorce attorney there who may know one here (I'm in Idaho).

I also got a post office box so I can get a bank account in my name. I have no idea how I'll be able to get any money into it, because my husband wastes just about everything he makes. Lord knows he needs some more hunting stuff, or another book about the Bible. Anyway, I feel as if I am making forward progress, but scared to death he'll discover it.

Again, thank you all for the encouragement. I need it so much, which is why I came here. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You are absolutely doing wonderfully, Evie! That's exactly what I did to move out of my parents' house when I couldn't handle my dad's controlling BS anymore. Having your own bank account is absolutely important--and feel free to start socking money into it when you can. My dad was the joint name on my account, so what I'd do would be to withdraw $20 or so at a time, and then deposit it into my own account.

In your case, I suppose you figure out some reasons to start paying in cash--take out $60 for "quick run to groceries" and sock that into your account. Or that the kids need shoes and the shoe store credit card machine was broken so you needed to withdraw $100 to pay it. And then sock the $40 you didn't spend into savings. Or $40 to "repay a friend" or $30 for a Bible for someone who didn't have one...there's all sorts of excuses you can do.

We're rooting for you.

[CanticleoftheTurning]

http://research.lawyers.com/

http://www.lawyers.com/

You can find ratings for good lawyers. Also, you might check here for any support you may need.

http://www.thehotline.org/

[edited to remove identifying info]

[GenerationCedarchip]

http://research.lawyers.com/Idaho/Divorce-in-Idaho.html

http://www.lawyers.com/All-Areas-of-Law ... &form=LADV

You can find ratings for good lawyers. Also, you might check here for any support you may need.

http://www.thehotline.org/

In addition, if you would like to speak to an attorney, I've got the Directory for the American Academy of Matrimonial Law Fellows in my office so you can feel free to send me a private message and I can tell you who in there is in your geographic area. These lawyers tend to be very experienced and are highly rated by their legal peers.

[jockosmom]

Hi Evie - welcome to FJ! I echo all the other comments about working to get out of your situation; it sounds like you have a plan and are working toward it. Getting help for the depression is huge, though. Please follow through on that. Meds can help tremendously; I know - I have been on an anti-anxiety/antidepressant for years now. It has changed the way I operate in almost every way.