You Don't Babysit Your Own Kid

[AngelGirl8811]

I will say I babysit my sister's kids, just because I'm family doesn't mean its not babysitting.  On the other hand, parents don't babysit their own kids.  I'm amazed at the responses my husband gets when we mention he is going to be the baby's primary parent while I work.  People are just amazed he would be part of his kids life.  

Which of course is ridiculous! Men are fully capable of caring for children. It's crazy to think otherwise. 

[Snarkangel Gabriel]

I am separated from my son's dad (we were never married but lived together). His dad is the main carer with me having him every weekend (plus taking him to school twice a week). I would be quite insulted at the suggestion my time with my son was babysitting and I think that most men, regardless of their situation, would feel the same. This terminology is antiquated and belittles everyone involved. Parents do not babysit their own children!

[EmCatlyn]

I am reading this thread and nodding my head and remembering when "to parent" and "parenting" were questioned as newly coined, probably unnecessary terms because we already had "mothering" and "fathering."

This was in the mid eighties to mid nineties when my own kids were small.  There was a heated debate, as I recall, on one or more of the Compuserve forums about these terms because they were seen as too gender neutral.  I remember pointing out to some man that "to father" just meant to provide the genetic material, that it did not have the nurturing connotations we needed.  

Anyway, my then-husband had co workers who saw themselves as "babysitting" their kids.  One of them did not change a soiled diaper (though it needed it) while the kid was in his care because the mother would be right back. (My then-husband witnessed this.).  My then-husband, who never did half as much as I did for the kids, was praised to the skies by women and looked at pityingly by men.

We have come a long way, out here in the real world.  I wonder if the Duggars and Dillards and their friends know that "parenting" is no longer a new word and that it implies that both parents should be equally engaged in nurturing and caring for the child.

[Toothfairy]

In fundieland it's a woman's job to raise kids. Men support the family and keeps knocking her up. Heck even the male lion isn't like a fundie

[FloraKitty35]

Watching or keeping an eye on would have been better choices of words not babysitting.  

[Cleopatra7]

This is what I don't understand. Fundies and social conservatives are always complaining about how "secular culture" downplays the importance of fathers and how popular culture makes fathers look stupid, but then say that men looking after their own kids are "babysitting." The terrible parenting JB has exhibited on 19K&C does far more to make fathers look bad than anything a fictional character like Homer Simpson does, because JB is "real" (or whatever passes for "real" in TV fundieland) and we know his actions are negatively impacting real children. Incidentally, there is a scene at the end of an episode of "The Simpsons" called "And Maggie Makes Three" where Mr. Burns gives Homer a plaque that says "Don't forget: you're here forever" to remind him that he's stuck at a job he hates to support his kids, which Homer turns into a collage of Maggie photos that reads "Do it for her" (i.e., Maggie). I can't imagine JB doing anything for anyone but himself, especially since his kids are just arrows in his quiver, not real people with needs, wants, and feelings. As dysfunctional as the Simpsons are, they always end up sticking together in a way the supposedly "godly" Duggars either can't or won't, probably because the latter are incapable of showing real emotions.

[DuggarsTheEndIsNear]

Watching or keeping an eye on would have been better choices of words not babysitting.  

I agree, I have no problem with someone saying they're watching the kids. It implies that the duties are shared, but that one of the parents isn't there or is busy; so you're taking on more of the responsibility. My parents used to use that term when we were little. My dad watched us, my mom watched us, sometimes our grandparents or a good friend watched us (I think "watched" in that case was used to imply that the person wasn't being paid for taking care of the kids). That's fine. But, you can't babysit your own kids for the same reason you can't steal your own car.

[nokidsmom]

That could explain Dim Bulb's lack of emotional attachment to his children. He looks at them as hobbies and as an example of how fertile he is. What a stud! Not. But, even when Michelle was heading into surgery to have Josie he did not look emotionally invested in the situation. He squeaked out some tears for the camera but once she was born he seemed to be clueless as to what a dire situation that baby was in and even his wife was in. So what do they do? Get pregnant again.

My family has never called it babysitting. I will ask my husband if he can "'watch" the kids or the grands just to make sure we are covered but it is not called babysitting. It is making sure a parental unit is in house. We now have grands and it has not changed. He does not consider watching any of them as babysitting.

With the Duggars, I think it's a special case, as neither mom nor dad seem terribly invested in or emotionally attached to their children. Armchair diagnosis of course, but I think the both of them have some form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, though Jim Bob probably has it worse. He sees his kids as extensions of himself and proof of his virility, not as individuals he is cultivating and nurturing. Why should he feel any sort of need to take an active and positive role in their upbringing beyond holding them for the cameras and letting their older brother sexually assault them?

To the bolded: I never got the feeling that JB and J'chelle were that emotionally attached to their kids.    It's possible that they may have been when the family was smaller but now that the family is larger, I suspect that the downside of the buddy system to help care for all the kids has resulted in emotional disconnection between the parents and the kids.   The kids simply do not get the time and attention from the parent, they bond with their buddy instead.   The parents are content that all is taken care of and just do not even consider that they are paying a price emotionally.   I see JB as having more the NPD traits but not really sure about J'chelle.  

[Dutchie]

Maybe this is a language thing, that I don't get. Both me and "the dad" call it babysitting sometimes. I live in liberal (and worse mainly atheist) Holland we share responsibilities both inside and outside the home. We both work part time, and have at least one day alone with DS. If a friend invites me for drinks and I know my husband won't be home, I have to "babysit" and vice versa. Basically babysitting to me means that I can't do something because the dad has plans already, and I have to stay home. If we are both home, I don't call it babysitting.

[OldFadedStar]

Maybe this is a language thing, that I don't get. Both me and "the dad" call it babysitting sometimes. I live in liberal (and worse mainly atheist) Holland we share responsibilities both inside and outside the home. We both work part time, and have at least one day alone with DS. If a friend invites me for drinks and I know my husband won't be home, I have to "babysit" and vice versa. Basically babysitting to me means that I can't do something because the dad has plans already, and I have to stay home. If we are both home, I don't call it babysitting.

I think it's more of a cultural thing. There are a lot of stay at home moms that I know of that when they go somewhere they aren't thinking "Oh yeah the father is going to parent now" it's a "the dad is babysitting.. I've gotta make sure he knows everything he needs and call and check up all the time." 

ETA: I can see calling it babysitting in the situation you described. 

[bewilderedandbemused]

When I was a teenager, I babysat 3 kids while their father was home.  I was paid to do it - apparently I at 16 years old was more capable then their father.  It was super awkward, because the kids would go running to him instead of listening to me.  Still seems mind-boggling to me more than 15 years later. 

[singsingsing]

See, I don't think that's too weird. My parents never did this, but I know a lot of mothers will have a 'mother's helper' come and basically babysit and maybe even do some light chores while she's at home, just to give her a break or let her get caught up on other things.

[ADoyle90815]

This has been a pet peeve of mine when it's said that fathers are "babysitting" their child, when they're doing what a parent should do. Otherwise, he might just be considered a sperm donor who has managed to stick around and pay for those children.

[roddma]

You think Michelle and Boob would have taken a hint when Michelle had a 'meltdown' with 7 kids.As said above, they likely managed a few kids well. I often see posts elsewhere from married women overwhelmed with kids and housework and wonder where the heck are the husbands.It makes me angrier when they recruit the older ones, especially females(cough cough) basically enslaving them. Plenty of single men work long days and often have to do the same thing. They don't have a woman to do those things for them. I guess Boob was too 'manly' to help Michelle with laundry, and too 'manly' to change Josie's diaper..

If the older kids are capable, why isnt the dad or partner.I chide Duggar humpers who say why shouldn't the older kids- err sister moms -help out, they are part of the family? I reply No one said they shouldn't help, but fathers and sons are part of the family, too. And younger kids are capable of doing some things as well. When you genderize responsibility, it creates dependence.

[DuggarsTheEndIsNear]

You think Michelle and Boob would have taken a hint when Michelle had a 'meltdown' with 7 kids.As said above, they likely managed a few kids well. I often see posts elsewhere from married women overwhelmed with kids and housework and wonder where the heck are the husbands.It makes me angrier when they recruit the older ones, especially females(cough cough) basically enslaving them. Plenty of single men work long days and often have to do the same thing. They don't have a woman to do those things for them. I guess Boob was too 'manly' to help Michelle with laundry, and too 'manly' to change Josie's diaper..

If the older kids are capable, why isnt the dad or partner.I chide Duggar humpers who say why shouldn't the older kids- err sister moms -help out, they are part of the family? I reply No one said they shouldn't help, but fathers and sons are part of the family, too. And younger kids are capable of doing some things as well. When you genderize responsibility, it creates dependence.

These people didn't take a hint when Josh molested 5 girls, why would they take a hint about something that trivial?

[chaotic life]

My husband is hugely insulted when anyone suggests he is babysitting his own kids. He can and does take all 8 of them on errands, shopping, etc and I cannot handle that level of chaos. My max to take on errands is 3 of them. Meanwhile, he used to go grocery shopping with 8 of them routinely with baby in a carrier, toddler climbing the cart and the others as helpers. And everything he did it, women would try to parent FOR him.

He said he alternated between pointing out that as a father of 8, he was more experienced than 99.9% of those trying to teach him how to parent OR freaking people out with mind games. Depended upon his mood. But he was known to stop in the middle of Sam's Club and gasp "Oh my god, whose kids are these???" And stuff like that.

[BarbaraMary]

My husband is hugely insulted when anyone suggests he is babysitting his own kids. He can and does take all 8 of them on errands, shopping, etc and I cannot handle that level of chaos. My max to take on errands is 3 of them. Meanwhile, he used to go grocery shopping with 8 of them routinely with baby in a carrier, toddler climbing the cart and the others as helpers. And everything he did it, women would try to parent FOR him.

 

He said he alternated between pointing out that as a father of 8, he was more experienced than 99.9% of those trying to teach him how to parent OR freaking people out with mind games. Depended upon his mood. But he was known to stop in the middle of Sam's Club and gasp "Oh my god, whose kids are these???" And stuff like that.

I would love to hear his stories!

[CorruptionInc.]

Not to mention you are looking after YOUR son, Derick Dullard.

Babysitting was not the right choice of word for sure!

[Ennui]

My husband uses the term "babysitting" any time he is caring for the kids when I am out of the house. It may be a generational thing (he's 20 years older than I am), but it makes me want to punch him in the face.

[DuggarWatch]

Actually, I was thrilled to know that Derick is a baby sitter.  Finally, he has something to put on his resume for what he has been doing since he left his job at Walmart!

[LogansMama]

Maybe it's a conservative Southern thing?  We were back visiting hubby's family in Houston when Logan was a baby.  During a trip to the mall, H took L to the bathroom to change his diaper.  He came back a few minutes later...there was no changing table in the men's room, only the women's!  I was shocked!

[jas]

Babysitting your own children is like house sitting your own house. It's just staying at home!

[Feberin]

I don't think I've ever said my husband was babysitting the kids.  I have said that he is watching them or has them.  I mostly stay at home so when I am out without the kids a lot of people inquire about who is watching them.  I use babysitting all the time to describe family members watching them.  I don't see how because somebody is a grandparent they can't babysit.  Maybe if we lived with them or something but for us getting grandparents to babysit is a special treat for us.  Also we have other relatives like my SIL who will babysit in exchange for my husband doing auto repairs and maintenance for her.